Dee74

I was like that too WT. It took me a while to heal my inner void, but I did - I'm sure you can too

D

Windytown4

day 139 or something. not sure exactly. Doing ok. Visited a gym today- been THINKING about working out for months. ha ha. So my PLAN is to do their free trial work out day early next week, then join the gym and work out a few times a week to get fit for summer. I hope I do it.

So- been craving a lot lately. Telling myself I want to smoke for a week or so and then go back off of it. I have about a month until my new job starts. Telling myself soon would be a better time to smoke for a week or so and then get back off of it. I do realize this could pull me back in for months or years. but there is also a part of me that just doesn't want to be so rigid with it!
I mean, I have been on this restrictive diet ( low sugar, as little gluten and dairy as possible) lately- for months, no coffee, no pot. And then this last week I have allowed some of that in and I just plain enjoy it. If I can moderate it, which with the food I can.

I know addicts cannot moderate their drug. But ideally I could. Just my truth of what I am thinking.
I read a good book last week called "Dinner with Buddha". One line that jumped out at me was something like "The spiritual path begins with bordem". They went on to say that if we are living too much in the highs of sensory fulfillment (food extremes, coffee, stimulants, experiences) we do not find the place of stillness from which to more deeply cultivate our spiritual path.
I have been thinking of getting a meditation teacher lately.

At any rate---if I dabble in MJ again, it will not be for long.
I have also been thinking about pot a lot lately and how there is indica and sativa strains, and reading about the pot stores where you can choose the type. I have only been able to get what whoever has one hand- never to be able to choose the type. Pot has been on my mind a lot lately.
The thing I enjoy most about being sober is I am having strong dreams again.
I Also like knowing who I can be sober, instead of always wondering who I would be if I quit. But there is a part of me that does not think I have to never smoke again.
If I do dabble in it, I will not be on it long and will go back to the sober life. Sober for now anyway.

Dee74

You may think this but it doesn't make it true windytown.

The most persuasive lie we tell ourselves is this time it'll be different.

We can persuade ourselves that we haven't smoked for a few months...therefore we don't need to smoke...we can want to smoke tho cos doesn;t everyone?...therefore we can smoke again and be able to take it or leave it because it's choice and not a compulsion..

Thats 100% addictive thinking.

Any thought that leads me back to smoking is a good idea is addiction.

I don't think boredom is really the problem either

If it was, we'd fill out lives with activity and 'stuff' & never want to smoke again.

Clearly that's not the case.

I had to accepted I was addicted and always would be - and that stopped all that could I would I smoke again BS.

I really hope you don't fall for the lie again Windytown.

D

teodor

I remember thinking the same thing back in ... September ? As you know I'm two weeks sober now, so you can do the math.

That is ********. Also ... comparing food, coffee, gluten and etc to pot is wrong! You may be able to moderate on food and etc, but pot is totally different.

About the strains - this is your AV - "Ooooh, you've been smoking whatever it has been handed to you, but now you get to choose and that will make things soooo much different. Also you haven't tried it, you must, I mean, how could you quit if you haven't".

Right ? It is the AV. It will do anything to get you hooked again. Yes, there are various strains and different ways to take it (to drug yourself to be more correct), but that doesn't make it any different.

My suggestions is not to stop thinking about pot, but when you do it, think in terms of - "Yeaahh, I'm freee, I don't have to drug myself everyday anymore!".

Also - focus on building your new life. Make that your mission. Start the gym, ENJOY the process, don't do it so much because of the results (although they will come and it will make you happy), but rather on the process. Add more and new things to your life. Do the things you always wanted or the ones you thought you can't for whatever the reason.

Have you not tried enough of the old style of drugging and etc ?
You wouldn't be here if you were happy with it, Windytown.

You're doing great!
Don't trow it away.

Reach out whenever you need, even if you're saying the same things, even if you're rambling and etc. We're here for you whenever you need!

Keep on the great work!

Windytown4

Thanks Teodor!

teodor

Keep us posted

teodor

How's going, Windytown ?

Windytown4

Thanks for checking in Teodor. I am still sober but seriously thinking of caving which I know is SO dumb. To the point where I set up an option for tomorrow to get some- an option which I can still back out of.
The addict voice or whatever it is called is saying I can just dabble in it a bit. I guess this is a lie.
The funny thing is I am feeling decent now . I am about 5 months sober. And in 2 days I am going to the gym to do my first work out and hopefully join the gym and work out a few times a week.
I have this lie in my head that I can moderate pot now. I know it is not true. I also have a voice in my head saying, just do it for a week or something and get back sober after that.
That is a lot more likely of a possibility- that I just have a small binge, throw the rest away and then get back sober.
Or else I will just stay sober. Gotta run now- will update later~

Windytown4

I know for sure I am better sober. When I smoke pot it feels like dark not good energies hover around me, I obsess and worry about things, things fall apart. So I know I am staying sober. It is just that this part of me ( yes, the addict) wants to take a short vacation from being sober! Like a week off. I know what everyone will say-- a week will turn into 6 months. It always has before. I am so proud to be 5 months sober. I guess I feel like I can do a week and go back off again. I don't know what I will decide about tomorrow. I will let you know.
One thing is that I start a new job in about 3 or 4 weeks. So at that point I want to be sober. So there is that part of me saying now is the time to indulge in that few days to one week of smoking- before I have a busier schedule, responsibility and all that coming up for a good long time.

Windytown4

I guess another line of thought I am having, just sharing , is that perhaps having a week off of sobriety will breathe new life into the return to sobriety. In my ideal self I would be able to smoke a week and then go back five months sober, then smoke a week so on . Just like with diet and coffee and things-- mostly not doing the things, but indulging in them some times. I don't drink at all , alcohol jut doesn't appeal to me these days and I have never been a big drinker. Anyway-- if I do go on pot for a bit I know it will be short. Otherwise it feels like- if I don't do it now I will do the time off of sobriety at some point. If I smoke pot for a week and then go back sober longer- I will still be proud of myself! I will not be proud if I go back into the pot forest and stay there. But I don't even want that for myself.

Lorax1981

Why risk it windy? Our brains need solid time to repair. Let it pass.

teodor

I'll mostly repeat myself Windy, but the "just one week" or "just a few days/joints" has been the cause for not one relapse leading to months of smoking.

Back out of the arrangement.

You're starting training soon - that is AWESOME!
But do it sober! Do you really want this new start (training) to be while you're smoking again ??? Do it sober and enjoy it. Replace the AV trying to get you back with this new (and other) wonderful thing.

Once more - dieting and drugs are two VERY different things.

I hope you make the wise choice of not smoking, Windy.
Whatever choice you make - we're here for you anyway.

I keep my fingers crossed.

Good luck!

teodor

Even if you manage to smoke just a couple of times - this will create the illusion that you can moderate. Before my previous relapse, I smoked once or twice while at vacation and because I didn't continue, I thought that I could do it again. Which lead to 5 months or so of smoking. Same thing on a previous relapse. Smoked once, then didn't for a month and I thought - "Yes, I can do it again". Again couple of months of smoking. Think about that.

Take care!

Dee74

You've never been able to do that before Windy.
What makes you think you can now?

Are you confusing abstinence with control?

You've been a member here since 2011. You;ve been struggling with this a while, like we all did.

At some point tho you need to stop that voice inside your head and and say 'y'know what addicted me? you're full of it'

Everyone here knows you'll regret it if you smoke again.
I think, deep down you know it too.
Let those lies go, and join the queue Windy.

Recovery is really awesome - but you need to devote some time to it to let it grow flower and bloom....

on again off again is just taking breaks from smoking.

D

Windytown4

I smoked today. three hits.
It makes my breathing feel worse which is the #1 reason I will be out of this visit extremely soon.
Other than that I think it felt necessary at this point in my process for me to visit this and remember it. I can see how it will be difficult for me to get a lot done if I am stoned. But mostly I am working so hard to get healthy and strong- and where this feels like a strong deterrent in that goal is my biggest motivation to stay away. I will be visiting with pot for a day or two and then it will be gone again.

Dee74

If relapse helped us quit we'd all only need to relapse once.

I think you could have 'remembered' it sufficiently by reading old posts Windy, I really do.

I'm sorry your addiction has the upper hand again

D

happycampers

just don't go pass whatever day you set for yourself - NO MATTER how ****** you're going to feel for a few days ! See what wisdom and awareness you can squeeze out of this experience - the pluses and minuses and how those will affect your true goals/purpose - I think I hear your grandson not too far away. Remember, don't let your mind use you - you are meant to use your mind , not the other way around and the mind can sure sound convincing on most days, so we need to remain vigilant and aware to it's sneaky , cunning stories trying to lure us back to giving it the power to run our lives. It's one of our Life challenges.

Come and write whenever and whatever comes to you here,while it's fresh, so you capture the experience for future referencing. Windy, All is well, no matter what challenges we are trying to overcome. EVERYONE, no matter who they are or what they have or don't have, have challenges. If we didn't have challenges, we would all fall asleep and never grow, so challenges ARE necessary and totally OK. You will conquer this challenge - I just know you will. Now, do you believe that - that's the only place that counts.

Windytown4

Happycampers- Thanks so much! That is an absolutely beautiful and inspiring post for me to read!!

So here is my current thing:
So smoking pot has absolutely made me feel like crap. First of all, I have breathing issues from babesia ( a lyme disease like thing) that I have been working o hard to overcome for months. I had gotten a lot better and even today (the day after I smoked) my lungs feel tight and restricted more than they have in a while. It is the absolute worst.

Other than that being stoned is just not that fun. It does not really satiate that thing I thought it would. I don't really regret trying it- I still feel like I had been romanticizing it for a while now and had forgotten how it felt so I needed to experience this. I may or may not smoke one more day today to fully go into this trial ( and feel even worse) but if I do it is absolutely not going past today.

So here is what happened- I sat there with the pipe of MJ 5 months sober and I felt clear. After I smoked I felt like- this fogginess come over my brain. But it didn't even feel good. Eventually there was a few kernels of good in it but mostly bad. And it literally felt like it transported me to a darker seedier realm of life. For example, I was planning on starting working out in the gym today- I had been planning today for a while, and there is no way I am going today. I feel like hungover from it and my lungs feel weak. All the other things I had been excited about and working towards feel dulled and out of reach. Even from one day ( ended up smoking a total of 5 hits yesterday). I know it will take me a week or two from when I stop even from a day or two of smoking before I feel clear again. I feel also like it put me in this fear mode- like when I was stoned things looked like bugs- like I put my hand in a plastic bag of kale I was cooking for dinner and I thought I touched a big bug in there! I had my husband look and it wasn't a bug it was like a dried leaf or something. Then last night I was watching my favorite show on tv, stoned, and I muted the commercials ( which I do) and passed out on the couch with the show still on!
And today my breathing is still a ton worse than it was before which is such a bummer. I usually do a yoga class on Tuesdays and I can't even see myself going to it.

It feels also like: I had reached a deeper level of wellness in which I was starting to actually feel somewhat good. I still have some breathing issues but I was feeling stronger, I was literally about to enter the next level of wellness by starting to work out and starting this new job, and planning some social events and so forth. And I made a new friend I really like in these past few sober months.

And somehow I just needed to revisit these old dark stoned haunts again just to remember that it is not fun, not worth it and not where I want to be anymore. so much murkiness and darkness for me in getting stoned. If I didn't have breathing issues and it didn't make my breathing worse it would not be so bad. But I do and it does. So anyway I do not know if I will harm my breathing worse today by smoking but there is a part of me that wants to have one more day of it. But I will be back sober tomorrow and I think I will have to start my work outs next week.

happycampers

Sounds like you observed a lot there, Windy ! Good for you. Now, that you know the old truth is no longer the current truth, you can know that when the mind comes along again playing this familiar tune , you'll know that it's just an old truth that the mind has logged inside and has decided to play it again ( usually triggered by something). It will take awhile for this record to stop playing, but at least now you can recognize it as your mind playing it's old tunes, but it's NOT your tune anymore, so you can just let it do it's thing while you get busy doing something else and with time, the record to stop. I also think we are all searching - we search behind multiple doors looking for the "satisfaction " feeling, but the truth that I am realizing is that things/people outside of us can only bring temporary satisfaction and we are wanting a more permanent satisfaction from something . For me, I have come to recognize that I need to give attention to the other half of balance. When we say balance, most people think work, play, family, etc. , but that is only the one half of balance the other half is internal. It's going within and reconnect with that energy within . It's recognizing that cultivating an awareness that we are more than our thoughts, feelings and body parts. Yoga helps with this recognition as does meditation. Many people have a hard time with meditation because they believe they are supposed to quiet their mind and they can't, so they quit too soon. Thoughts just happen, they can't be stopped, but the more we become aware of the stillness just below those thoughts, the more the thoughts will quiet. Anyways, went WAY off topic. Try a "floatation tank " in your area if you have one to get the experience of what I rattling on about - youtube it. Anyways need to roll to an appointment. Another suggestion is really try to clarify your purpose going forward and post it somewhere you can see each day. You're doing wonderful and this last couple f days are just part of the growing process - don't let it discourage you ! Embrace it and move forward !

Windytown4

Thanks So much happycampers! That was not off topic at all. Just two weeks ago I read a book about meditation and it became one of those things I wanted to try soon. I already do yoga ( but not on days when I smoke).

I like what you say about the song and knowing it is not for me anymore. I think I got triggered by we had some really nice spring weather for a couple of days and that triggered it for me.

The thing is that prior to today and yesterday I had a sense of wellbeing I had not had in a long time. It is totally gone at the moment.
From smoking.

At any rate- the well being feeling and all the other things that are waiting for me will motivate me back to sober again. Also the breathing.
Thanks so much.