Day 1
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 466
Hi Windy,
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this again. I know how hard it is to put the monkey back in the cage once we've let him out.
When I relapsed a couple years ago, I experienced similar things to what you are right now. The truth of the matter is that I'm an addict who will abuse anything to excess if not kept in line. Anyways, at the time I had been trying to be completely sober, and ended up saying screw it and decided to drink one night. My plan was a six pack but I ended up going to a small party and having about fifteen drinks. Being totally wasted, I ended up taking a couple hits.
A week later, I made the decision to smoke again (sober). I'd keep this to once a week from now on.
Three days later I smoked again. Every three days was fine.
Two days later I smoked again. Hey at least it's not every day.
Two days later I had no weed and started going haywire trying to find some. I ended up finding a friend with some. Feeling defeated, instead of stopping right then and there, I bought more the next day.
Then it was no smoking before 5 PM (I made it to 3 that day).
Fine no smoking before noon. I began getting everything ready at 11:45.
As we know, this turned into mornings through bedtime. It was kind of fun for a few weeks, but then my life turned into this demented circus. I stopped eating more than once a day. If I couldn't find weed, then my life would become a nightmare until I could. I didn't do anything except smoke, lie on the couch (No TV or computer, just staring at ceiling), and scrounge for more. I was significantly worse off than I had ever been. Finally after a couple more months of this hell, very dark thoughts spurred me to get sober again (from everything). Now though, I had to detox again (which has always been quite difficult for me). I went to rehab for the first and hopefully only time, and had to begin the recovery process once more.
Don't let any fantasies of moderation fool you. This is a bad road. I know you've said you don't like meetings, but they maybe helpful just so you get some phone numbers to call at the very least. You don't have to disclose your drug of choice, and even if you do, I'm sure people will still be more than happy to have you there.
I'm not saying that what happened to me will happen to you if you continue smoking. It might not be as bad, or it could be worse. Still, there's only one sure-fire way to make sure it doesn't. You can't have one foot in the door and one out. You've reignited cravings, and you're rapidly losing power over this. We're all powerless over addiction, and so you need to figure out what's it's going to take to get back on the wagon.
Stay strong friend. And by the way, nobody's disappointed in you. We all understand how hard this s*** is. All anybody's wants is for you to get back on track so you can move towards a happier and healthier life. You know weed isn't the answer.
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this again. I know how hard it is to put the monkey back in the cage once we've let him out.
When I relapsed a couple years ago, I experienced similar things to what you are right now. The truth of the matter is that I'm an addict who will abuse anything to excess if not kept in line. Anyways, at the time I had been trying to be completely sober, and ended up saying screw it and decided to drink one night. My plan was a six pack but I ended up going to a small party and having about fifteen drinks. Being totally wasted, I ended up taking a couple hits.
A week later, I made the decision to smoke again (sober). I'd keep this to once a week from now on.
Three days later I smoked again. Every three days was fine.
Two days later I smoked again. Hey at least it's not every day.
Two days later I had no weed and started going haywire trying to find some. I ended up finding a friend with some. Feeling defeated, instead of stopping right then and there, I bought more the next day.
Then it was no smoking before 5 PM (I made it to 3 that day).
Fine no smoking before noon. I began getting everything ready at 11:45.
As we know, this turned into mornings through bedtime. It was kind of fun for a few weeks, but then my life turned into this demented circus. I stopped eating more than once a day. If I couldn't find weed, then my life would become a nightmare until I could. I didn't do anything except smoke, lie on the couch (No TV or computer, just staring at ceiling), and scrounge for more. I was significantly worse off than I had ever been. Finally after a couple more months of this hell, very dark thoughts spurred me to get sober again (from everything). Now though, I had to detox again (which has always been quite difficult for me). I went to rehab for the first and hopefully only time, and had to begin the recovery process once more.
Don't let any fantasies of moderation fool you. This is a bad road. I know you've said you don't like meetings, but they maybe helpful just so you get some phone numbers to call at the very least. You don't have to disclose your drug of choice, and even if you do, I'm sure people will still be more than happy to have you there.
I'm not saying that what happened to me will happen to you if you continue smoking. It might not be as bad, or it could be worse. Still, there's only one sure-fire way to make sure it doesn't. You can't have one foot in the door and one out. You've reignited cravings, and you're rapidly losing power over this. We're all powerless over addiction, and so you need to figure out what's it's going to take to get back on the wagon.
Stay strong friend. And by the way, nobody's disappointed in you. We all understand how hard this s*** is. All anybody's wants is for you to get back on track so you can move towards a happier and healthier life. You know weed isn't the answer.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 402
It is crazy how hard it feels for me to let it go- almost a month back into smoking. I can now barely remember my sobriety! And when I was sober for 7 months I forgot what it felt like to be stoned.
Every night now I want to get rid of it and I keep feeling afraid to be without it. so weird. I just need to do it already.,
Every night now I want to get rid of it and I keep feeling afraid to be without it. so weird. I just need to do it already.,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
set a date Windy and tapper down til your set date, then dish everything. Its just a really bad habit that's gotten it's hooks into you again. Set your " win yourself back " date and go for it. You know it's really only the first couple of days that are the real ****** ones -after a couple of days, you'll wonder why you took so long unhooking yourself from this leach again. You can do it - we know you can ! And you know it too !!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by happycampers 
set a date Windy and tapper down til your set date, then dish everything. Its just a really bad habit that's gotten it's hooks into you again. Set your " win yourself back " date and go for it. You know it's really only the first couple of days that are the real ****** ones -after a couple of days, you'll wonder why you took so long unhooking yourself from this leach again. You can do it - we know you can ! And you know it too !!!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 402
good advice! Okay--- I will do that. I will set a date and win myself back.
So I set the date for this Friday June 9th which means I will get rid of everything the night of June 8th and go forwards from there.
Thanks.
So I set the date for this Friday June 9th which means I will get rid of everything the night of June 8th and go forwards from there.
Thanks.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 402
omg you guys. Just completed day one TODAY after like 6 or 8 wks of smoking every day.
I got rid of it all two nights ago- yesterday was almost day one but I found a TINY bit ( one hit) and smoked it after I had gotten rid of the rest- so today was the first full day. holy wow.
Day after tomorrow I go away for 8 days. Don't know what will happen when I get home but I know counting today as day one, tomorrow as day two then my 8 days away I will have at least ten days sober- so hopefully that will start y renewed sobriety. Man this habit is tough to kick.
I got rid of it all two nights ago- yesterday was almost day one but I found a TINY bit ( one hit) and smoked it after I had gotten rid of the rest- so today was the first full day. holy wow.
Day after tomorrow I go away for 8 days. Don't know what will happen when I get home but I know counting today as day one, tomorrow as day two then my 8 days away I will have at least ten days sober- so hopefully that will start y renewed sobriety. Man this habit is tough to kick.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: California
Posts: 20
Stay strong and keep with it WindyT. I am on day 9 and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It feels like my best friend died. I think about it every day, however, reading your struggles and successes along with everyone else that posts on this thread really drives me to keep going in the right direction. I saw you had a long stretch earlier this year, you got this!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
Hey WT. I hope you are doing well. I've been following your journey and we seem to be walking the same path. I'm on day one today...again. I quit for 3.5 months at the end of last year until x-mas, quit again for a few weeks in April.
Maybe this time, if we both stay close to this site, post often and offer support, we can make it stick.
Good luck to all who are struggling. Keep hanging in there.
Maybe this time, if we both stay close to this site, post often and offer support, we can make it stick.
Good luck to all who are struggling. Keep hanging in there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
I totally get it, Windytown. One toke at Christmas time turned into 6 months of constant use.
You've quit before, you can do it again. Dig deep and find that strength again.
I found making a pro and con list really helped. The reasons to quit outnumbered the reasons to continue. I did the math and I'm not a stupid person. Continuing just didn't make sense.
Stay close and keep us posted.
We're in this together, right?
You've quit before, you can do it again. Dig deep and find that strength again.
I found making a pro and con list really helped. The reasons to quit outnumbered the reasons to continue. I did the math and I'm not a stupid person. Continuing just didn't make sense.
Stay close and keep us posted.
We're in this together, right?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 466
Sorry to hear you're struggling Windy.
From an objective perspective, it's clear that the whole trying to white knuckle yourself back into sobriety isn't working. In fact, it sounds quite emotionally draining. I understand that you may be telling yourself that a method of inciting action in the past will certainly work for you again, despite the fact that it isn't at this moment in time. Unfortunately, the progressive nature of addiction takes a toll on willpower. My first real attempt at quitting weed lasted six months, something that I was unbelievably able to begin by detoxing in my crappy college apartment alone. Four months after I relapsed I was even worse than I had been before, and was even more desperate to get clean again. Despite this, getting over the initial hurdle alone wasn't possible for me anymore, and I had to take more aggressive action. A week ago I reached the 2 years clean milestone.
I hear a sense of hopelessness in your post. Believe me Windy, you still have plenty of options left. However, I'm a firm believer that addicts only get sober when continuing to use becomes more painful than getting clean. If it's still easier and less painful for you to continue smoking right now, you probably will, and there's little anybody will be able to do for you to change that. Recovery takes aggressive action to achieve, and given the psychophysiological grip of addiction, it's something people only put themselves through when they're at their wit's end. Are you at your wit's end Windy, or are you comfortable with the idea of continuing to get high for god knows how long? People with addictions are generally very determined individuals. When we want recovery just as bad as we want that next bag, we stop making excuses and start doing whatever it takes. This means rehab and 12 step meetings at first for many, many people, and I think these are things you should consider. If you want to respond to a suggestion like this like you have in the past with an excuse like "I don't know any rehabs/meetings for marijuana", "I tried a meeting once and didn't like it", or "I won't fit in with the other people there", then you're either extremely naive about the recovery community and/or not desperate enough to get clean yet. I know you saw a counselor in the past and that's great and all, but as someone who has gotten clean, has numerous clean friends, is working on a master's degree in the addiction field, and currently works at a rehab, I don't think an hour of talk once a week is going to be enough for you at this point.
I want you to be happy Windy, and it doesn't sound like you're very happy right now. I hate to see this cycle keep on spinning, but at the end of the day, this is your life and not mine. I hope the day you truly decide to turn things around comes sooner rather than later/not at all.
From an objective perspective, it's clear that the whole trying to white knuckle yourself back into sobriety isn't working. In fact, it sounds quite emotionally draining. I understand that you may be telling yourself that a method of inciting action in the past will certainly work for you again, despite the fact that it isn't at this moment in time. Unfortunately, the progressive nature of addiction takes a toll on willpower. My first real attempt at quitting weed lasted six months, something that I was unbelievably able to begin by detoxing in my crappy college apartment alone. Four months after I relapsed I was even worse than I had been before, and was even more desperate to get clean again. Despite this, getting over the initial hurdle alone wasn't possible for me anymore, and I had to take more aggressive action. A week ago I reached the 2 years clean milestone.
I hear a sense of hopelessness in your post. Believe me Windy, you still have plenty of options left. However, I'm a firm believer that addicts only get sober when continuing to use becomes more painful than getting clean. If it's still easier and less painful for you to continue smoking right now, you probably will, and there's little anybody will be able to do for you to change that. Recovery takes aggressive action to achieve, and given the psychophysiological grip of addiction, it's something people only put themselves through when they're at their wit's end. Are you at your wit's end Windy, or are you comfortable with the idea of continuing to get high for god knows how long? People with addictions are generally very determined individuals. When we want recovery just as bad as we want that next bag, we stop making excuses and start doing whatever it takes. This means rehab and 12 step meetings at first for many, many people, and I think these are things you should consider. If you want to respond to a suggestion like this like you have in the past with an excuse like "I don't know any rehabs/meetings for marijuana", "I tried a meeting once and didn't like it", or "I won't fit in with the other people there", then you're either extremely naive about the recovery community and/or not desperate enough to get clean yet. I know you saw a counselor in the past and that's great and all, but as someone who has gotten clean, has numerous clean friends, is working on a master's degree in the addiction field, and currently works at a rehab, I don't think an hour of talk once a week is going to be enough for you at this point.
I want you to be happy Windy, and it doesn't sound like you're very happy right now. I hate to see this cycle keep on spinning, but at the end of the day, this is your life and not mine. I hope the day you truly decide to turn things around comes sooner rather than later/not at all.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 402
Thanks very much, racing thoughts! I really appreciate you taking the time to share with me, and you have a lot of wisdom and depth to share which is extremely helpful to me right now. I agree with what you are saying. Thank you.
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