Need help with kids - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

GwenMarie30 · 03-25-2006, 07:45 AM

Goodmorning All! Oh what a beautiful day it is already this morning. I have a question about my children. My daughter is 9 and my son is 17 months. God, what a blessing they are. Its another blessing that Im allowed around them now. Ive been out of the home since November and have been in jail and rehab inpatient since. I was a drug addict for the last 5 years or so and havent been a good mom. I pushed them away and never had much patience or was always telling them to go play and never spent enough time with them. I was too caught up in my self. I never touched them in anger or even had to slap their hands. These kids are wonderful and have never needed more than a strong word telling them to do something or to not do something. I couldnt be more proud of them. Since I have been out of the home so long Im afraid to come back in asserting myself back into to mommy role. This has been really hard on my daughter as she has been cut off from me and my side of the family since they are drug addicts too. Her dad's side of the family has rallied around to give them more support but still dont have a whole lot of time to get up here. I want to have fun with them and play with them but there is a time when they need to listen to me when I ask them to do certain chores like the dishes or help with laundry or even cleaning their room. I dont want to be the bad guy but dont want to feel guilty to ask them to do the dishes. Any suggestions on how to deal with this? These are some great kids but have been hurting emotionally. I dont want to come across as overbearing.

best · 03-25-2006, 07:59 AM

First off, doing chores is a help not a harm.
Chores teach them to become productive hard working adults in their later life.

Any relationship between any two people needs start with and introduction and then the relationship builds from there. As you build your personal relationship with your children, you earn the right to help them grow by guiding their steps in life.
An example to help give you some thoughts...

Hello,
I am Mom and I am sorry for not having been there for you. Will you forgive me as we start a new relationship? I want to be the best I can for you. I will try my best and with your help, I think we will do just fine.

You can be a mom or you can be a friend...can't be both.
Don't let the guilt of that past get in your way to do what is right for your children. Yesterday is yesterday. Today you are there for them and have much love and guidance to share with them. Just be a mom.
Hug, kiss, giude, smile, and if needed...correct.

Purrdy · 03-25-2006, 08:07 AM

Thanks for your story Gwen...its tough being a mum and nobody gives us the intrsuction manual for life not to mention looking after kids...but i know this....kids need consistency...they need to know what the boundaries are.....they may not always like being pulled up but you have to set out the boundaries and make sure they know what is acceptable....they will push you at times and itll drive you crazy but you must stand firm...

Do you have a cneter where you can go to meet ohter mums? do you have 'outreach' where people can give you support and advice?

Take all the help that is there if you can.....beign with other mums who have shared a similar experience with you can also help.....how about girlfreinds from meetings? do you go to meetings? NA? or AA?

there is support out there, you need to find it...

I am an alkie, i let my kids get away with murder when i was drinking...it came as a shock when i got sober and started to pull them up by thier boot strings....oh they still push the boundaries and they still drive me to tears sometimes but i am consistent and i love them....

Good luck to you my freind, im sure you will find a lot of others on here who will share thier pearls of wisdom with you...You are not alone! never alone!!!

love purrdyxxxx

janeeyre · 03-25-2006, 10:30 AM

GwenMarie,

Good for you, getting your life back together--for you and for your kids.

Just keep loving them and showing your love & affection for them, while helping them learn responsibility. (In teaching them this, you are further showing love).

Jane

my brother · 03-25-2006, 02:53 PM

GwenMarie,
I am not a mother, infact I am still a child in many ways...(21) so I don't feel I should give you any parenting tips but I will say that your children will love you irrelevant to your authority over them and like Best I don't think you can be a mother and a friend. As long as they know how loved they are they will be fine and may even enjoy helping you with your chores.
Congratulations on your recovery!!

justangie · 03-25-2006, 08:51 PM

I agree with Best. The children need structure including chores for the oldest. Also doing playtime together will be great. Maybe starting off with you and daughter washing the dishes together if shes never had this chore before. That would give you and her time to interact and get the job done at the same time. Congrats on making it this far and I hope everything continues to go well.

Hugs, Angie

03-25-2006, 07:45 AM	#1 (permalink)
GwenMarie30 Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Union Mo Posts: 657	Need help with kids Goodmorning All! Oh what a beautiful day it is already this morning. I have a question about my children. My daughter is 9 and my son is 17 months. God, what a blessing they are. Its another blessing that Im allowed around them now. Ive been out of the home since November and have been in jail and rehab inpatient since. I was a drug addict for the last 5 years or so and havent been a good mom. I pushed them away and never had much patience or was always telling them to go play and never spent enough time with them. I was too caught up in my self. I never touched them in anger or even had to slap their hands. These kids are wonderful and have never needed more than a strong word telling them to do something or to not do something. I couldnt be more proud of them. Since I have been out of the home so long Im afraid to come back in asserting myself back into to mommy role. This has been really hard on my daughter as she has been cut off from me and my side of the family since they are drug addicts too. Her dad's side of the family has rallied around to give them more support but still dont have a whole lot of time to get up here. I want to have fun with them and play with them but there is a time when they need to listen to me when I ask them to do certain chores like the dishes or help with laundry or even cleaning their room. I dont want to be the bad guy but dont want to feel guilty to ask them to do the dishes. Any suggestions on how to deal with this? These are some great kids but have been hurting emotionally. I dont want to come across as overbearing. Last edited by GwenMarie30; 03-25-2006 at 07:46 AM. Reason: mistype

03-25-2006, 07:59 AM	#2 (permalink)
best Don't get undies in a bunch Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: South Shore MA Posts: 7,161	First off, doing chores is a help not a harm. Chores teach them to become productive hard working adults in their later life. Any relationship between any two people needs start with and introduction and then the relationship builds from there. As you build your personal relationship with your children, you earn the right to help them grow by guiding their steps in life. An example to help give you some thoughts... Hello, I am Mom and I am sorry for not having been there for you. Will you forgive me as we start a new relationship? I want to be the best I can for you. I will try my best and with your help, I think we will do just fine. You can be a mom or you can be a friend...can't be both. Don't let the guilt of that past get in your way to do what is right for your children. Yesterday is yesterday. Today you are there for them and have much love and guidance to share with them. Just be a mom. Hug, kiss, giude, smile, and if needed...correct. __________________ * I asked God to spare me pain. God said "No", Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me. Recovery Related Acronym B. E. S. T. = Been Enjoying Sobriety Today?

03-25-2006, 02:53 PM	#5 (permalink)
my brother Lucie Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: London, England Posts: 459	GwenMarie, I am not a mother, infact I am still a child in many ways...(21) so I don't feel I should give you any parenting tips but I will say that your children will love you irrelevant to your authority over them and like Best I don't think you can be a mother and a friend. As long as they know how loved they are they will be fine and may even enjoy helping you with your chores. Congratulations on your recovery!! __________________ Friends are not only together when they are side-by-side, even one who is far away is still in our thoughts...Beethoven

03-25-2006, 08:07 AM	#3 (permalink)
Purrdy Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Salisbury Wiltshire Posts: 1,904	Thanks for your story Gwen...its tough being a mum and nobody gives us the intrsuction manual for life not to mention looking after kids...but i know this....kids need consistency...they need to know what the boundaries are.....they may not always like being pulled up but you have to set out the boundaries and make sure they know what is acceptable....they will push you at times and itll drive you crazy but you must stand firm... Do you have a cneter where you can go to meet ohter mums? do you have 'outreach' where people can give you support and advice? Take all the help that is there if you can.....beign with other mums who have shared a similar experience with you can also help.....how about girlfreinds from meetings? do you go to meetings? NA? or AA? there is support out there, you need to find it... I am an alkie, i let my kids get away with murder when i was drinking...it came as a shock when i got sober and started to pull them up by thier boot strings....oh they still push the boundaries and they still drive me to tears sometimes but i am consistent and i love them.... Good luck to you my freind, im sure you will find a lot of others on here who will share thier pearls of wisdom with you...You are not alone! never alone!!! love purrdyxxxx

03-25-2006, 10:30 AM	#4 (permalink)
janeeyre Guest Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 1,525	GwenMarie, Good for you, getting your life back together--for you and for your kids. Just keep loving them and showing your love & affection for them, while helping them learn responsibility. (In teaching them this, you are further showing love). Jane

03-25-2006, 08:51 PM	#6 (permalink)
justangie Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Roller Coaster Land Posts: 109	I agree with Best. The children need structure including chores for the oldest. Also doing playtime together will be great. Maybe starting off with you and daughter washing the dishes together if shes never had this chore before. That would give you and her time to interact and get the job done at the same time. Congrats on making it this far and I hope everything continues to go well. Hugs, Angie

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