Relapse Book I Started To Write

[Chance]

I started to write this a while back and just thought that I would share some of it here tonight since I can not sleep if you have to get rid of it then OH Well

My name is Vic W and I am an alcoholic of various types and constantly live in a world of denial. The reason I say this is because I continue to relapse on alcohol and drugs. Or maybe its because I haven't made a commitment. The only thing different I pray is that I have made a commitment this time.

We who have relapsed and continue to do the same thing expecting different results are a different type of alcoholic/addict. We are human beings who's minds are in the last stages of living. We are the ones who have all the attentions of doing the right thing but we are controled by impulsive thinking and compulsive action. We are people in the gripps of death or locked up. We are people who whould rather help others than help ourselves. We are doomed unless we do things different. We have decided to take the bull by the horns and come hell or high water hang on until the light comes again. This is the experience that we have had and hope that this will help others who are having a hard time staying clean and sober.

Why after a few weeks, months, or even years of continuing sobriety do we pick up and expect that it won't be the same as it always has been. But actually it's not the same, each time it just gets worse and worse and each time it gets harder and harder to put together anytime at all. What makes us do the same thing time after time? What are we thinking? Or are we even thinking? Is it the impulsive thinking and the automatic compulsive action that does us in each time. Is it that our brains have been so damaged that its not able to be repaired?

We know from experience that it does get better in time. We have heard it all over the rooms of recovery programs, but it doesn't work for all people. Is it that they really don't want to recover? I don't really believe that at all. I know that I myself really do want to recover. Maybe I'm not putting my best effort into the program or maybe it's because I have lost all hope. It really doesn't matter why. Is it that we must recover or die? That's what we hope is that you are about to read will help raise the percentage of the recovery rate.

One of the most critical areas for us is to avoid people that we know have or are using. This is extrememly hard to do for a lot of reasons but one of the problems is that they always catch you when you think that you have it all figured out. I will give you an example.

I was sober and clean for 1 year and 10 months and 27 days when a person was at my house and mentioned that they just wanted one. Just ONE!!! I said go ahead and they took the necessary steps to get that one. When they had failed to come threw I said that I will show you how to do this and went out searching ( but didn't have to seach long). During the drive from my place to place the thought came to my mind that I should call my sponsor and the thought to pray but the ball was already rolling.

Or was it that I just wanted that experience with this certain person rather than keeping my sobriety? Whatever the reason wither it be sex for hours or whatever was it worth loosing that time to have to start over? That is the question I should have asked myself before not after. But I already was set up with the impulsive thinking then came the compulsive action. A lot of thing could have been different but it happened just the way it was suppose to. I know I truely believe that nothing happens in Gods world by mistake.

The book talks about that "Nothing happens in Gods world by mistake. I truely believe this and the reason I say this is because if there is a Gods world there also has to be an evil world and we are free agents to live in the world we choose. The only thing is that if we don't commit to one world we will end up being lost or dead in the other world. Now when we think of it that way does it change how we will percieve it. NO because our brains are shot. How then do we break this visious cycle who takes most of us to the gates of insanity or death?

...................I will go ahead with more unless it is not allowed..................

[best]

Step ONE

I am powerless over Alcohol and or drugs.


You write of holding on, taking the bull by the horns, commitments.

What needs be done... accept the truth and the facts.

I am powerless in this area of my life....


Then stop holding on and fighting the bull.... Let go and let God.

Or as you said... keep doing what you are doing and keep finding, nothing changes, if nothing changes.

That committee in your thoughts sure does feed you Bull.
Stop fighting the bull with tools that don't work. Let go as you accept the truth.

Work the steps... they do work when we work them.

[BigD]

Best,
Awesome, thats all I can say!
Love, Don

[Chance]

OMG now I am being cridict sp that is good I will continue then for alittle bit this morning not long cause I have things to do today

Continueing book LOL

My friend Tony was talking in a meeting one day about if he didn't do something different that he was going to end up dead. I to felt this way and he projected a meeting for people who are having a hard time staying clean and sober. Then the thought came to me one relapser helping another relapser to keep from relapsing. What a powerful thought that this could be for one relapser can best understand another this might be the to a recovery process that will help to change the relapsers today. It's only through the program of recovery that has helped so many but a certain incrediable amount of people don't stay.

One of the biggest reasons why this is that we have to learn to work the steps at all times. This is a mojor factor for why a lot of people relapse we believe. The biggest step of recovery is Step ONE that we are powerless over our addiction whatever that is and that our lives are unmanageable. When the impulsive thinking happens we are not thinking or working our program, our guard is down. If we were working the program we would remind ourselves of step one or call a sponsor or go to a meeting. Butr we have right after this impulsive thinking the compulsive action how then can we break this visious cycle. Our problem reeally is centered in the mind.

There are also certain attitudes that we get when we are about to go out these are called RED FLAGS. We know from experience that these attitudes have and will take us out to the drink or the drug. Here is a list of the few that have come through our minds. It wont hurt me this time, It's not that powerful, I have a don't care attitude and I really don't care, The case of the Fucck its, I will show you who needs help, They don't care, Don't you know who I think I am, Watch me, this list could go on and on. But what we do know is that when we have an attitude of gratitiude, these thoughts are not with us.

.........................I will stop when ever anyone says stop ............

Love Vic

Originally Posted by luckyv2

OMG now I am being

that is good I will continue then for a little bit this morning not long cause I have things to do today (like installing a spell checker¿?).

Sounds pretty decent so far.

[Millwallj]

Surprising, eventful stuff Lucky. Type on

[best]

Vic

Not being critiqued (thanks for the spell checker*LOL*) Just pointing out a truth that matches up with your words, for the benifit of all who read it...including myself.

Keep going, your doing great.

[angelgirl]

(((BEST)))
(((benefit))) LOL LOL LOL Ha, Ha, Ha
I know, I'm a comic...
I need spell check, oh how I wish SR had it.

((( Vic)))
This is really wonderful so far. As far as I'm concerned, continue on...........
Just remember us, your friends here at SR, when you become a Millionaire... Helping people. Wouldn't that be a great thing? HELPING PEOPLE???

Love, Becky

[CarolD]

Thanks for sharing

[Chance]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by angelgirlI need spell check, oh how I wish SR had it.

((( Vic)))
This is really wonderful so far. As far as I'm concerned, continue on...........
Love, Becky[/QUOTE

Thanks Becky and I think that they need spelly check too LOL

Continueing sp

One of the things that we hear around the rooms is that there are certain things that we have to change and that is everything!!! What an order I don't know if I can do this all at once but that is part of our problem. We don't have to do it all at once or forever, all we have to do it is for today. All we have is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not here. So maybe we should quit pissing on today or use and drink beer (Poet too LOL). One thing is that for some of us this sounds like we have to be perfect, that we have to change everything and then when we fall short of the choosen Ideal that we start to beat ourselves up, knowing that not only can we live up to our expectation of ourselves now, but we can not live up to the expectations of others as well.

Another big area for us is that after some time of being clean and sober is that we start getting cocky, thinking that we have all of the answers when we don't even know the questions. This is a huge and great big RED FLAG for us because then we do start to think that we know all the questions and the answers. How then do we keep from getting this cocky attitude? The only way that we have found is that we remain humble. If we do remain humble and keep and open mind and don't feel that we are more knowledgeable than others, then and only then do we reamain teachable. We know from our experience that we can not afford to either be cocky or smart. Our best thinking got us here and that same thinking will in time take us all back out.

Another area that we have noticed is one of the biggest things that we don't do which has beeen suggested time after time to do when you want to drink or use is too call someone who is in the program. Why then do we call our sponsor everyday to talk to them when we are ok but when we feel like drinking or using we always wait until after the fact? Is it that we want everyone to think that we have our ducks in a row and if we call them our ducks will have gone astray, that we think we will be considered weak or that we can not measure up to there expectations, or be judged, condemed and hung? If we could only remember that this is a we program and that we are all in this together to solve our using problem then it wouldn't be so hard for us to pick up the phone especailly at this critical time. Again this also goes back to the area already talked about and that we have to remain humble.

We have touched only on a few things which have set us back into the grips of the disease. but have we really even found out WHY? Is this a question that we will never find an answer to or is it so simple that we have already answered the question? Out of everything that has been mentioned, it really does point to one basic and pretty simple thing. The attitudes, the rebellion, the cockiness, all of these and many more is our old behavior. So really if we would keep a watch on our old behaviour which is probably the bisggest RED FLAG of all or have others pointed it out maybe this could help all of us to keep sober and clean but not likely.

.....................,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I will stop when anyone says stop.....................

[Chance]

Continueing sp

The reason that I say this is because when certain things are pointed out too us we get an attitude that they probably don't know what they are talking about , or maybe it happened to them but it won't happen to us, or I 'll show them, the list could go on and on for us because we are already running the show. Our Ego even thought we denie that we have one has already EDGED GOD OUT. Not only have we edged God out , we have started to edge out everyone else that has any importance to us in our sober and clean lives. This happens to us and if we continue to do this pretty soon we will be left alone. Then and only then will you feel the lonliness such as very few of us do. Our only hope is that we must change or to be doomed to a life of hell or death.

In the early days of AA how it started was Doctor Bob and Bill Wilson right? Our steps that we know them says that YOU TAKE A PERSONAL INVENTORY. Back then if I am right it was pointed out that these two men who recovered used to point out each others flaws to each other, it used to **** them off but they knew that they were just trying to help each other, not to put them down, or to be critical of them but to honestly help each other. I think now that most of us when someone points something out to us (if they do) that they do not do it in a loving manner. In a manner of I might just be a little bit better than you cause I have been sober for awhile and you keep relapsing so take it from me......

How exactly do we change and what do we have to change? Well it's already been pointed out here that we have to change everything about us, we all have heard this time and time again and we will continue hearing this. That is such a bid order but we also have witnessed hundreds of people that have done exactly that. I will give you an example of my own personal experience that had seemed to work for almost two years and today I am back on this same path but yet it might even be different.

When I fist took to the program and I have always believed that whatever you feed your mind is how you react. So when I was early in sobriety in 2002 right around Feb or late Jan I took all of the CD's that I owned which was a huge amount at the time. I took them to a Monday night speaker meeting and let whoever wanted them they could take them. I no longer needed to feed my mind with that type of music, country, rock, rap. I then turned all my music to gospel music. Also I quit looking at women in a lustful manner. I worked really hard at reprograming my mind by using the "Big Book, NA Basic Text, the Bible." I was seldom even interested in women. This was definetly a break through for me. I was always happy, joyous, and free. It seems that I didn't have a care in the world at all, and even things that I used to percieve as bad would not even effect me, like it was OK, didn't even get mad. One time my boy called after the divorce and said "Dad you are going to be mad at me!!" I said why son and he replied that he got 4 F's on his report card. Now before I would have grounded him, spanked him, and done that mental abuse stuff, but this time out of the mouth of my own came "That is OK Josh, F stands for failure and if you turn that inside out you have Success." Now people after I had said that I got goose bumps all over, I could not believe that the response that I just said came out of my mouth or was it really out of my mouth?

Relapse starts in the mind then to our soul. The soul is our emotions which eventually control our body the spirit that lives in all of us hopefully belongs to God. So here we are gathering together with the hopes that start with continuing sobriety. Well you know what, we do have continuing sobriety because right now we are all sitting here sober and clean. This is the miracle of it all we really have is right now. Here is something that was written and we think that it fits perfectly to what we have been talking about here. I was regretting the past and fearing the future. Suddenly my Lord was speaking. "My name is I am" He paused, I waited he continued "When you live in the past with it's mistakes and regrets, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I was. When you live in the future with its problems and fears, it is hard. I am not there, My name is not I will Be. When you live in the moment, it is not hard I am here, My name is I AM!!!!!

..................................I WILL STOP WHEN SOMEONE SAYS STOP.......................

[MissingMyHalo]

Thanks for sharing Vic, your words are very helpful and encouraging

[Chance]

This will be my last insert on this for now, I would like to thank you all but I am not so sure if I should continue putting this here, (don't get me wrong) but this has not even touched what I have already written so I think I will stop after this today. Thank You

Continueing sp LOL

Now as far as the disease is concerned we do not have power over it and if we think that we do alone, we would have to say that this is your choice. We have found that we did not have power over our disease. What has your disease taken from you? Why are you powerless over your disease? Have you ever lost anything due to your drinking or using? How many times has this happened? Is there a way out, completely out from this disease? Do we live in a world that there is no hope? Or is there hope in another world in which we have not tapped into? These are only questions that you can answer for yourself. We have heard that when you get into the program of AA or NA that you should be at step two!!! Why step two? What about step one you may ask? Because if you don't think that you are powerless over alcohol/drugs and that your life in not manageable, just maybe we need to stay out there until we fully consede to ourselves that we are powerless and that our lives have become unmanageable. Some of us believe this and yet there are some of us that don't agree with this at all. Some of us say we can decide what our bottom is while others say you will reach your bottom when you want and some of us say that there is another bottom waiting that is our choice today.

Now we have been talking alot on what causes a great many of us to relapse. But just as there are many reasons that we relapse there are also a great many of relapsers so we may never be able to figure out why? But really we don't need to be conserned with why, but we need to figure out what we can do to prevent this from happening to us again. So now we are going to put our focus on the solution not the problem. This is actually where the miracles start to take place. We have to believe that we are powerless over our addiction whatever that is and that our lives are unmanageable. Then we have to whole heartely sp believe that some power can and will restore us to sanity. Here is where there are alot of controversies, a power greater than ourselves. Some of us don't think that this is too hard but others really struggel with it. Deep down in every man, woman and child is a fundemtal Idea of God.
To me this says look into you, into your soul, into your heart, and there you can start to find that special friend that you have always wanted to be with. We are not going to tell you how, where, when, that is only your journey and no one can take our journey except us. No where in the second step is there any mention of God, it says a power greater than ourselves to restore us to sanity. As long as we are not drinking or using today we have all been restored to sanity in that aspect, pretty simple huh.

This next step is a very important one for us is that we not only make a decission but everyday make a commitment to the God of our understanding, to do his/her will not our own will. Our will , will never belong to us again, because we have in fact made this decission that our will be his/her will so we don't own our own will after this has happened. When they say a God of our understanding, most of us truely believe that it is a God of our misunderstanding that way we don't have to think that we know why? Why this God Why that God? It doesn't really matter why if you don't believe that you have to understand. Is in not better to understand than to be understood.

.........................I will STOP when someone says STOP...........................

STOP LOL

Thanks for letting me share a small portion of what I have been writing

Love Vic

[Chance]

[Chance]

[Chance]

I Think that it is time that I continue this book not first hang experience YET but I need to do something here. OK

Vic

[Time2Surrender]

Vic, here is a link to some things I put together on Relapse and Relapse Prevention I wrote none of this myself. I did however spend hours and hours on the web searching and saving this stuff by copy/paste. Not sure if any of this will help in your book, but hopefully it can help someone.

[Kathy Z]

Wow Vic I think this is some great stuff. I hope you DO continue sharing it here with us.