in the swarmy

[toforever]

December, and so. what?
being hopeless is pure and sure,
hope, until...
until you know its hopeless.
hope be thy sustenance and my constant!

gun to my head, again mind's eye and tin.
body burning now, so bright so invisible.
heart together - so it seems...
my house with a light,
windows of stained glass try the sight.

night time, and night space...
pain - I can't see outside!
yet here I can be just or fullfill this lust.
a light and a switch,
my love with a hitch.

now looking in...
see myself by the fire.
take a look out,
too hot, burning presentation liar.
I seem far away...climbing higher.

like hearing voices from closed mouths,
blowing kisses against the wind.
I seem too close, where shall I go?
I say here I am!
the problem speaks! Hush the sham?

Take a light from this flame.
let me see your faces.
let us melt away.
here you take, there we play.
tommorow is now today!

night and day...give the beauty to define.
a see through life...
yet infinite overfilled, such substance.
rubber and true,
me the and the you.

stepping through a door,
a way out and a way in.
bullets fly and with joy I still cry!
it's a bullet proof life...try?
in love with love could I ever ask why?

[toforever]

Yeah, i ask why
but so it is and it will be
for I can not dictate time
nor can I conquer space

The flow of life
is what it is
I am just here
here trying not to drown

And the movements
body and the spirit
do their dance
my souls torment is incidental

This I believe
This I live by
I will get by
I will survive

by some storming crowd
I'm being crushed
on the floor I can not see
I can not say

its all incidental
must take the good with
good with bad
wait for the sunrise

the heart of the sunrise
I have taken it
taken it into heart
I breath every breath with unquestioned hope

circumstance has its way
I am where I am
it doesn't make judgement
today is no different to the world

Never did Tuesday
complain to Wednesday
that Friday had it all
and Monday got a raw deal

Life is precious
no matter what it is i'm feeling
cards are dealt
and hands are played

The sun shines on some
and the hail pounds down on others
who are we to complain to anyway
God doesn't pick favorites

Atleast I can't think that way
say I am cursed
What choice do I have
I must battle through any obstacle

So I continue in the swarmy
It is my home away from home
I can ask why
but any answer would really be a lie

Even if it wasn't
an answer would be useless
atleast as long as i'm alive
Life is love and i still have life

[toforever]

Any comments on how to recoup life and normal activity when your burried?

[toforever]

SWEET SUNSHINE..................................
slowly I step through a door
I had locked it from the inside
something is different this day

sweet sunshine....................................
so afraid i have been
i shut myself in
so afraid i am that this is not real

oh precious breeze.....................................
so long and so hard this has been
to experience this relief, inneffible
taking it in slow, for my face i'm still scared to fully show

oh precious breeze............................................ .......
you give me your gentle carress
you tell me its time
have i paid my dues? still looking for clues

Oh my Lord All Mighty!!!
i am filled with joy of Your Magesty today
cautious i am though
i fear you like i'm painting over the Sistine

i cried so many tears today
i offer every one to You God in simple thanks
I know this is still just another day
so i try to keep myself in place

it is You my God who deserves all honor and praise
the glory and honor is indeed Yours Jesus
how i ask should i present myself?
i know your Love lets me express freely

Dear Lord its more than i imagined
you are beyond imagination
how am i so at peace with all this disorder?
should i even allow it to be?

sweet sweet relief...........................................
so long i have labored in vain
something has changed this day
my enemies fall down like gentle snow flakes today

i look at everything with Love
i feel whole for the first time
i believed this was possible
in Love I had no choice for faith has been carrying me

Thank You Lord Jesus!!!
you are the way and you are the Word
You visit me and i don't notice
yet your Word and Covenant is imprinted in my heart

this Covenant is Life to me
i was dead and you raised me up
i am love because you loved me
my heart is me and Your Word has fixed it

i know its still cold and night out and in
but today i got sweet sunshine
today i felt a precious warm breezze
today i can know that i will never be the same

my dignity was lost
but you upheld me when I could not
You Lord gave me a chance it seems
You Lord sounded the alarm it was clear to come out side

My dignity restored
i pray it not be illusion
i pray this day be the break through
i pray that you never leave my side

i pray that i remain true
i pray for this to be solid and real
i pray that i may keep my heart's focus on you
i pray that i do not disgrace this wonderful grace

i know i will fall again
but i see things differently now
now that i reached a place
not an end or place to dwell but a smile

its all iv'e been wiaiting for
just to see Your smile
God thank you for bidding Your time with me
Your patience and mercy, just so beautiful

[toforever]

Sometimes,,,

I can't tell if I can see anymore at all,
these shackles loosed - freedom awaits,
but I can't tell you with confidence,
that i'm still not afraid,

seasons they change,
my actions too
for I get so lost in this dream,
dizzy my head, and my compass broken in my heart,

is it gone? the fear, the pain, the shadow?
I wish I could be more angry...

but I know...
it's that I can't say that I didn't bring it all upon myself,
it still makes me sad,
yet this seems a comfort indulged, sad for sadness,

caution is the sign my inner voice is yelling,
so i'll try to resist this joyous urge,
I see green fields and sunshine before me,
I want to run out and scream at the top of my lungs,

don't jump the gun,
I know i'm still a louse,
I can tell, my heart tells me so,
if I wasn't I wouldn't be writing this now,

and I know the Devil is still on back...

I have been fooled so many times before,
I can't take the bait,
but something has changed,
does courage call? I can't mess this up now,

hard to tell whats brave and whats reckless,
what is the right thing to do,
if i could know this I would do,
sometimes I know, I just fail and i'm tired of failure.

I have a need to achieve,
getting confused over this new balance,
questioning if this is sin of pride,
but my understanding of achievement is different now,

its not that I want to believe i'm more than I am true,
its that I need to feel myself actualized...

I need to confirm that i'm together and true,
no matter how low i sit or crawl,
its the place i must be,
it is wherever the place i find myself true,

only then can I move to the outward charity,
its all been charity insidec for out
that since I was struck down,
thank goodness for humiliation,

just had to fix me before I can fix you...

so sorry I am for the toll for becoming real,
so sorry for the toll for not being real,
I have not done well in this life,
I'll do anything to make things right,

understanding come to me has been hard to live,
its a battle that to me had to be,
but the casualties I never imagined,
if I knew maybe I would have stayed,

for the world inverts when you open your eyes...

so much beauty it pulls me, drives me,
so much ugliness to peace together, but,
what is true is what has to be,
my soul i think hates me,

myself neglect for 29 years,
I hid the hurt so deep I hought I was happy,
the subconscious held a scared child,
I was struck down by grace,

saw my dirty image for the first time,
then even that was not real,
when I really realized all the lies
I had really made them real,

then I saw no image at all...

so this is what was, and this is what is now,
atleast I had the chance,
there is hope with breath,
its a chance I couldn't refuse,

now I can never turn back...

even though the path ahead was a dark
a thick forset no certainty of coming out,
I entered and took all I could,
still a fool its all been stripped, taken away,

naked as I am now atleast now,
I have me in disordered peace, and God,
now I can sleep most nights and face my God sincere,
I ran to the bushes like Adam and Eve once before,

I'm crying out now,
voice is coming through,
God can I still receive your mercy?
I could not show myself before to even ask,

now my sorrow true, i'll do what I can do...

I'm little, i'm broken, i'm bruised,
I'm exhausted, forever changed,
did I pull through? or am i too damged now?
what else do I have to proove?

I would like to try to be the human being I was created to be...

Is there anything left of me? Do I have the right?
strange thing is it doesn't much really matter anymore,
the lessons learned have made me realize,
I don't have to measure myself be good be evil,

I just have to be, accept what is,
that makes me happy,
to know i've tried,
I can respect myself,

its opened my heart,
I feel my center,
I feel boundless love,
I'm still filthy but I can tell that this can be cleaned,

I recommit myself again...

I spilll these words for whatever reason it is,
my will is guided by faith in the dark,
what is- is what happens- happens,
so I am vommiting these words so i'm not sick anymore,

so I can move on ...
so I can really be ...
so I can really love ...
so I can really give ...

atleast its not a lie not fake anymore,

no matter what it is, its real,
i'm real, real or not,
so from this point stablized,
God can change me true, now real hope...

i'm holding on leting go,
My goodbye now is really a

[toforever]

no feelings, this isn't good
well i'm sure tomorrow i'll be chipper
thanks for another day Lord
Thanks you for helping me
thanks for understanding like you do
me writing these words for self gratification
because i'm lonely
love without connection is pain

[toforever]

What a wonderful grace
such a beauiful taste,
balance true
i never knew,
i'm high but low
in both now i'm stable, free to grow,
disorder and pain are still here
acceptance gives me strength to bear,
The Lord prooves his truth
I can live now as in my youth,
I will be ashamed no longer
the past is done, learning has made me stronger,
whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there using these new found wings,
let the world see me real
and know that I will no longer steal,
the word of the lord is life
in my heart guiding me now to see whats right,
thank you God for the chance
I am in love with love, a true romance!!!

Bradley

[toforever]

this world is not the same
for sure it has changed
I try to say its my perception

yet I know what doesn't make sense
It indeed could be just things around me alone
But it effects people too

the people I love and close to me
this is such a disgusting reality
In God I am not allowed to consider

things that would kill me
not by a natural cause
but the very collapse of my heart

a reason true to dispair
i would let my heart break to bits
if my love be abused and of destruction

being in God I have moral concern
it makes me obligated to do things
called for to do whats right

things so unreal and illogical
my efforts have prooved useless here
instead it seems evil is taking advantage

seems to use my good will
makes me swim out into waters unkown
I explore them carefully

eventually it makes my go deeper
I go beyong the point of no return
looking for answers to questions i make my own

grasping for answers to things absurd
because of a threat of someone in pain
is this just a goose call

still gives thought to someone in danger
yet really many are portrayed
and for some reason the center is on me

this swimming is largely with thought
but it is in the abstract surreal to its best
love and logic even sorts out this mess

giving possibilities that have given me no rest
night and day I was consumed
beat down by enemies coming as friends

I lend my hand I do whatevr I can
but no thanks or assurance is left
like it was all just in vain even with all my pain

all my energy drained and subdued
by the waters that always were of no welcome
only trying to help a calling cry

its that maybe only I can hear
I never stopped before to question
my own life never a thought

my death never the concern
how could I do such when its there?
when I might be the only one to help

deeper I went over and over
I have drowned and gone under to real doom
seriously and without a resererve

nothing to get me back
I can say that God has rescued me
must be 10 times now in truth its been so

yet I wonder now if its been all stupidity
the fool of the Devil
and even worse maybe the tool of him too

I wonder and do regret
I know my choices have not always been the best
all alone I have tried

it never seemed to be a question before
a question of yes or no
yes was just a response and reaction

my trust in God feels used
i have been raped over and over
by things beyond me cruel

things I can't see to even scorn
and they leave only pain in their wake
the suffering I go through willingliy

just like a mother suffer for child
and she does not care
its the child she loves

the child her concern
so it has been the same here
but there are no answers

its shown love has done all it can
surely there would be some resolution
but not here only utter confusion

time and effort has given way
the voices that cry are out of my reach
still nagging if I look out there

and they are not happy shouts
they are scornful and angry
always hinting at my neglect

telling me i'm wicked
like I am some killer
they actually make me believe

they really make me consider
such strange things
theres no logic to it

for why would they call like I can help
then crush me for giving the effort
energy from them doesn't reconcile this together

no one would i even expect
no one would I even consider
dragging out with me to drown aswell

could I ask the starnger?
he or she would be innocent
their destruction would be on my willed hands

could I ask of a loved one?
the ones I care for most
never could I allow them to enter

even though its been impossible to keep hidden
besides they consider me crazy
atleast so they say and this is probanly best

I wonder how can they not see
around me too they are in the swarmy
nobody would I will to enter

not with this scent of evil
no truth conveyed just hate
mockery I have learned to take

but the thing it is over or atleast changed
i can no longer suport this anymore
not knowing what it be all about

i will fight for life give me a reason
but this just prooves fake or to beyond me
my rsponsibility I do not know

for surely a reason there would be
that this is happening to me
could be I am just so damn naive

So i have to accept it for now
until enough show itself to merit
to go out to death again there must be no lie

It still doesn't answer why
i think I must just live on then
with this deceit around utill I die

the what and who is even unclear
but I still know what is real
Now I am made to feel guilty for just living

like i'm being ignorant and not caring
where has everybody gone?
why must I consider these suspicions?

why am I left alone?
doing nothing to call for abandonment
i have given love to every outreach

still everything is dying around me
at the very same time I sit
in peace and joy whenever I can forget

my disease is not as much within
as everyone seems to think
this disease that is out and around

is not heard of by any so called expert
so I have to keep it to myself
for survival of the powers that be

telling me what is, I go along to quiken the unrelated BS
to save the uneeded complaints
and for their own protection I do not show

easily evidence I could give
a recording I caould take
many direct non-arguable things i could display

the choice I make there I stick by
logic tells me that they would know if they should
besides they would be more in the dark than me

could they really be in denial?
No, its too clear and plain as day
something true but not explainable

yet no one I think could completely look away
this too giving evidence to much distaste
yet I wont become guilty by this dark manipulation

even alone now I have attained balnance
union and harmony in myself
at peace with myself for the first time

sincere about me atleast I can be
God my ultimate prooves his care
showing me beauty amidst chaos

giving consolation and moments of bliss
unless this be a disguise too in the mix
again I say that would do destroy me

I am turning a corner though
the time has come to change my focus
this because my life has value

this because I have come so far for myself
this because I have something to give
I cant keep wasting it in futile measure

but I see the world not the same
I have not learned how far this goes
am i wasting my time with any endeavor?

i will to do good were I can
still that would be just pretending
if all were just a dream and a shirade

am I the joke of all?
forever with something to be blamed
wanting me to be so ashamed

everything around calling out to me
yet in obscurity what can they expect?
if someone could just tell me something

something about it that was true
i would surely do something
what ever was reasonable to do

especially if it be of me
that someone's pain came to be
i wonder is it anger yet love that is them

it could be for it seems like a reason
however the past is done
I can not change it, atleast I don't think

whatever demons arroused
go to sleep stop harassing me
I'm not the same as I once was

i have changed and this I will not disown
i have done my time to get to good
atleast for what it is i know of

the rest is just too sublime
if I hold blame make what it is clear
if I continue someones hurt please take me down

i am going to live in happiness unless halted
even though it seems to me opposed to something
by guilt or concern for something unknown

why should joy be as like a crime?
like something I should never deserve
who would wish misry without an anchor?

but this goes against what I believe
in the dignity of every life
all deserve a chance to change

only fate will tell me what comes
if someone will ever even call out my name
for surely they would know it

That is, if i am so to blame

Bradley
redshift7@msn.com

[toforever]

Well, so now am seeing a different portrait. Its anoyher picture. To decorate the walls of the house of possibilities in the city of love. Being as a nomad in the cty I frequent this house. In the city i'm treated as thing it seems. Yet in the house of possibilities there is also a portrait of love itself, and this is not a portrait like the others. It is the portrait you see only from a distance. It is the painting from everything hanging on these walls here in this house of possibilities and no one could ever interpret everything in it because its so vast and looks like it changes any time you look. It is also blinding to the eyes if you stare too long, and it seems to make you like your drunk and cinfused. Its just understood greater than the house. This house is not positive or negitive except for its place location which is its only distinguishing mark to give it its purpose. In another city it may be an terrible thing. It seems protected by an army so much so that it really doesn't allow me to know how how i'm cared for or why i'm called here. My role is definately of some importance to the house because I am always given these portraits to put up. It seems though that I'm as in a daze or sleeping walking here and I can't remember where or why I put something where I did or the reason it even is in the house to begin with. I don't unnderstand why I find myself staring at some rather than others. I feel like there's something disrespecting me always too, pushing me. I here laughter, and theres portraits everywhere of me looking like a jack ass. For along time I didn't respect myself either so it didn't really matter much and wasn't much of a thought. The more time I have spent here the less its been like sleep walking and the more its become like a school that never seemed to be intended to be. The pictures are now like a teacher, and a production that I assist. Yet waking up from stupor I feel like the student that has began to notice things. Being that I move the pictures iand my ack of understanding of my own wit in the real making and arrangement it seemed a requirement not to think here. Certain pictures wake you up though abit. Now as a worker to it spending so much time its like they natural have made this sleep more normal than wake. and now pictures are generating on there own and I moving around like i'm flying. There's a new picture of the house itself and its a picture of the house in a fake city. Don't pay attention another picture warns by what thinking about it could mean for me. It shows the possibility of me being tossed from the city altogether if I do. But I know what the house is and this is just a posibility. Now respect seems called for because of what i have seen, but respect another picture shows that another worker may replace me and benefit from all ive done here as his own. Portraits are now laying in the grass outside , there everywher and some are so distugusting I must coverr them from others that couldn't bear them. Ive seen them all. I hate them now and I hat the house but I love the city and I respect my function, that is only if the city is not fake as the one portrait I am always standing in front of shows. The portrait of me rebelling my thing like role has now apperaed too.

[toforever]

the portrait of my mistake that can't be made is shown in almost evry portrait in thew house of possibilities. It is behind a curtain though always and so it just threeatens to consider but the consideration is clearly important because its in every picture it seems. there's only one that it doesn't appear and its the on of myself working in the house as I do.

[toforever]

seems to me
you are not who I once knew
the you no matter what you could ever do
the you that I hold in love forever
it can not change
now you incomplete
in me away seems so strange
never questioned eventually you
to find you
I never imagined the betrayal
love itself you just never knew
far away you were from you
as far away as I was from me
the you that I think you never knew
you simply could never have seen
the part of the me for real
is only real with you
here or away
the me I could only see with you
not a dream or hope
and will never give way.
in the distance
love manifested
i didn't know could be
when we were off
yet together
there was something so sweet
evryhtiing i'll ever feel
not lost thiough you stray
too much I couldn't lose it if I tried
I thought you knew
you too were not real
I never guesed
you couldn't see them play
smile and the smile's
all I would steal
I never considered
you weren't watching with delight
you and I standing
out there
together cold in the night.
i guess you were not able
didn't care
to see the dance inside
this dance
made all disappear
so strange you saw me cold
I was ignorant
my body and being
there dead you stayed
no purpose or vision
i gave you too much credit
i hope i do
that wasn't what killed you
in its beautiful flow
the dance like heaven
no matter how we would lie.....
all I was
it must have seemed absurd
atleast to you then
just as all you were
seems absurd to me now
left wondering
when if ever you were
there a part
in the only thing we ever were about
that is
if we were ever to have been something
you never asked
what I was always staring at
I never angered at you
now feeling still i do
but less and i'm beaten down
like a door mat
a fool
How blinded I was
because this joy
could not be faked
I could have shown you if I had known
the sadness
hid in you that you hate
this lie
you for some reason
can not allow to show
and can not take
If you could have ever ********G tried
How sorry I am
that I didn't consider
how much you lied
how so good you were at it too
I really bet
no I know you still think you are fine
you loved i think
maybe once before
that stupid me
far away and not real
I warned you
that me was not to be cared for
just there for
to touch but never feel
I told you
that me wouldn't be there
by the time I was to heal
forever is what is
its always how i lived
I only knew this love because of you
my dear
now i'm not so clever
things not so clear
so sad it is the real me is still dancing
with you I still dance
not here
now only in hope
do we ever dance the you part of you
gone off in weekness and fear
so hard to believe
you would leave content
not you
unreal hiding pain
Breaking the dance I see
mockery of the love
the joy I had part off
indeed
me real now yet fairly insane
only saw this
real me when together with you
i might have never
never known all that was there
for me for you too
how could you not know
all that really was there
so much more
than I know you have
in your shelter
fake happy home
or did you know and not tell
the me that you were
you just something to wear
I never was there though
and I know you must have known
Atleast this
I always told the you
what was coming for you
only I knew that you
the you that you sold
The you that you hide
under a thick coat of lies
I didn't care because I loved you so much
thinking I was so damn wise
I trusted you so much
not as much for me
even the you
but those two in there
that were
the we were to be
those two that were happy
more than two boundless
filling everything
that was something worth fighting for girl
how I don't think yoju really know what love is
now seeing you to judge
outside my basking super you protection light
I thought you were on your way
to the dance
thinking you atleast alive
me or me was the choice
you chose wrong
but I could have told you that
I never imagined you were not going
not to be here when I arrived
It was never a question
you being strong enough
you are as frail as anything i've know
partly why I love you so
for you had to have in you
how I was just going
thats what I was
on my way for you for me
to get there was not a doubt
did you really think
I would ever fail you
never
you quit and gave up
just outside of town
Its hard to understand why you would deny yourself
even so far away
I would not consider this
settle for anything but whole
was not done when you ran
it will always lack
be incomplete
for you to
strange, I give you crdit
yet so much how and why I grew
I could always
see you real my girl
its such a shame
together off in the distance
the you that was
I pitty the same
the dancing was beautiful
and you left
her all alone waiting swaying
in the empty room
my spirit drifting in delusion
I cant believe that you let your heart grow
that is grow cold into stone.
she is still here
so you know
in my heart I keep her safe
but how will you ever see her
for you never even saw the dance
your chance made so much a waiste
spit on it you did
crimes worse
gravea deeper
so much bigger
than you and I ever were
A spiritual union
never once made a sound
jsut a steady burn
So great
I have to carry its weight
alone with you sleeping out there
I still thank you though
for helping me to see
the real me
I have now
although be it not dancing anymore
Now real
I carry the real you with me
crawling on the floor
my mistake
the paiin that you had to bear your own
your mistake
you lied about me to you
pretending now
right, I see you have grown
You lied to yourself
and you knew so too
How could you
lie to me and you about me
when I gave you everything
the whole *********g me
fake and true
The wretched face I put out
a man who was and was not
I never lied to you
about me you do see
Know this always
you beautiful and real
I could see
she is there my girl
I couldn't see the lie about the lie
the one you hide in now
off and on your way
I know you
covering sadness burried deep down
its there
together was the dance
that was of spirit and not yours to throw away
not mine
not ours
don't you see
will you ever see
give it due justice
all i asked
putting your fears in front
like always you just ran
run run away
its more than this walk
of days in a wrecked life
a love
so pure
how numb you must have become
together is now a dream
that just only is
Now a solo
I perform for its honor
and my only way to live
know that its beautiful here
but filled with so much sorrow
yet without any fear
now I must decide
if I shall find another
or stay
here at peace with me
hard to even bother
Dont you ever believe that you or I are more
the love you disrespect
we made real
like it or not
that made everything there is of me
its me now real
now i'm made some void filling *****
its to great
the love
love
my love
cant break it
you just left it
say what you will
no matter your desire
I dont lie girl
I see you
I know your reasons
my sweet little liar
If I did leave it too
I would die
how didn't you?
I love you just the same still
no matter what you may ever do
its called unconditional
funny thing is
I gave you the condition unconditional
you gave me full proof failure
I understand though
from fear you hide
from life you know
you cant do anyything much
but cover your ass
hats ok
the rest tears you up sweet thing
of facing your weekness
me
check out real me
you wont have to be afraid
its not about me

[toforever]

Again and again and again

finding my escape
from an image real

its there
but it never makes a difference

I see myself falling
slipping away
why
why cant it be clear

there is no real calling
I need a place
a place to stay
a home
or some rest in this restlessnes


Well
this is just becoming a little pathetic
me staring at the sun
I can't even move my legs

paralized unable to go
go off enjoying the peace
and run

all this trash put in me
has made me

its made me all of what Ihave become
made from s**t
yet in learning from it all i did
cant take that away


I have gained everything

not even for me
its just were I was always
always going

somehow lost the world
or it lost me
what does it matter
or even mean
crimes unseen made up
just because I cant remember
its all that holds me back
one stupid thing

asking for some pledge
i will not submit
not without reason
not to deceit

even if its where i'm from

this is just too unbelievable

i'm not even crying anymore
not today atleast
and no fear
with such horrible awful things
this too makes me sick
I should feel so much more
about this mess

i cant help it
its just normal now

I want to wake up
It is terrible feeling peace
when this faces me threatening
held hostage to possibilities

I dont know if i can escape it
some joyful numbness
I live and can't reconcile


living in truth
the best I can
I did
and do
what do you want from me

Should I stay here
in beauty
could this really be a question
seems so amazing
I really do consider

to leave this for that
its everything here
and more than I ever wanted

but for now
it only exists pretending
hiding an elephant
no one ever sees

its not even trying
it doesnt hide
its just there


go away
how do you stay concealed

why would I go off to that place
and leave all that I have now

every dream of whats good

like giving up
to leave hope
even now affirmed
this seems so damn absurd

this all staying away in the distance
only for me to torment

away from me
i almost want it here
yet right over there
all I can do is stare


and no reason why
theres not a place there

enter the realm of confusion
again and again
why should I do this to myself

the logic is so easy
yet i cant live with it

for some reason I cant forget
this thing always whispering
my conscious
always getting the best of me
gullty over nothing
and controlling me


I still think about it
choosing the worst

baffling
its not even that
its that I can't just be
happy when happy
this is the worst thing ever somehow
when I have it

like some cruel joke
my conscious can't enjoy it

maybe if there was some final crush
to jump into a pool of death
to make the answer
bring closure

but I cant
I wont let my life
my love expire
I cant deny it
cant do that
injustice


so for now again
I just look on

I wont go
waiting for nothing

without any fear except God
but this seems not true either
if it were I could have it

its some hidden respnsibility
playing my weekness
i must still be measuring myself
by men and what they think

Even if I did go
where would that be
1000 different places

Choosing one is senseless
none with a better reason
It would be utter stupidity
complete foolishness
to choose one stupid thing over another
choose to go back into the swarmy
by leaving the swarmy


let me have it
let me live it
I have given myself up
for everyhting
for love
love is here
let me live it now real
or bring it on
stop pulling a that trigger

this perpetual threat
that i can no longer feel

f*****g gun to my head
day after day
shooting blanks
its like i'm starting to want a real bullet
to fly through my brain
feel the pain

see the blood
slip away
free

cant believe i'm being made so sick
disfunctional

this now
when I finally made it
and brought myself together

Bradley behaving badly

[toforever]

Cry Cry Cry
stop it
why do you let it beat you?
make a choice
stop holding yourself to it all

Me

[toforever]

like broadcasting radioactivity
always raising hell or raising money

political hand-made empathy
with me the tun you the emery

now parry parson fantasy
mirror minors do human quilting

giving liniments of posy in powdery
coming out of malignant song surgery

some sort of shifted word polishing
alive under black blanket coverings

for all that is and all I cant see
and now exposed nettle my moral wrestling

Bradley

[toforever]

love beyond woebegone stranger true reality
Bradley

Originally Posted by American [font=Garamond

Music[/font] Club's 'Sick of Food' always destroys me.

I'm sick of food

So why am I so hungry
I was sick of you
But I don't mind seeing your little face

I was sick of love
So I just stopped feeling
But I couldn't find anything to take its place

What'll I do with my time?
I'm sick of drink
So why am I so thirsty

I must have been born on the planet Mercury
I just called to ask you what I said last night
I just called to ask you what I did last night

So what'll I do with my time?

Now I wake up and I don't have any gravity
Now I wake up still walking in my sleep
Now I wake up feel the world drawing away from me

And now I wake up still walking in my sleep

I'm sick of food
So why am I so hungry
I'm sick of feeling the world draw away from me

And now I wake up
Yeah I remember
Feel the whole world draw away from me

Now I wake up what good is it
Another bright nothing
Another day

[toforever]

~ Escape ~

not from the demons that hound me
not from the pain
and not from being lonely
~ just something to do ~
to fell alive again
and feel some damn adrenaline

~ just because ~
i'm not even afraid anymore
and I left my ticket at the door


something telling me what to do
get so sick of these walls closing in
tired of being hot wheels on orange tracks

me with me aint much fun at all
God doesn't always seem so close
it seems sometimes I need something else
God never seems away at all
I wont complain about for that
but right now i'm not living as a saint
I need to escape from me
not from feeling im not OK
not from something that I wont face
and not from wanting to be anyone else
~ just something to do ~
to drift off and away
to leave the me away and fill its place

~ just because ~
the me is always there
and the pounding fists in my soul
faceless accountant scrible
I'm not running or hiding
feels like the need for some good backsliding
up or down, high or low
whole complete has not satisfied
ceating this hunger for all that I left

In the dark basking light
felling guilt for joy, peace with God
no answers that I should have
I need to escape from telling you off
not from any hate you thinks inside me
not from feeling I am wrong
and not from home thats been violated
~ just because I know I will ~
inevitable with time and space
and I wont keep playing nice

~ just because thats what you want ~
to give a reason for your hate
and a word back to place the blame
~ Just something to do ~
~ just because ~

in time I know I will
and its what you and I both want
measuring the resources



my will to change
my will left here dying
exausting the resources



I will do it anyway
because it still just isn't right
going on empty
~ its something to do ~


Bradley

[toforever]

This is not for real.
can you tell why the sun does not blind my eyes?
where it is the shadows go
when the body leaves the soul
Can you tell me this for real
Someone
Cause I'll show its not
It not at all what I want
in time im breaking
what no one want to break
still come and settle
they do cause of who I am
I dont know
Im truly sorry
and wish some things
I did not know
wake me uo
make it a dream
someone
somehow
I am there for you
truth is bent
I cant pretend
So what does t matter now
Can do no good
alleviete this endless cycle
this disease
hell
heaven here in my arms
I throw it all away and do what I do
because its winning
its really winning
my strength my weekness
my only to me must be unreal
****** me over
made me
and the other breaks me
still cant tell who is who
but I know both are there
I think I am the cash
the wall
made to measure
somehow is that truth
a stranger true reality
crushed under foot
gaining power
you dont know
nobody
how much I have inside
this love must go somewhere
Forgiveness is the way
and I do
so why am the hate
from all hurt denied
so im scarerd
powerless without you
I need someone again
people and the humans
i remember
was I just naive
blind it was still real
to me
I love you
once upon a time
not people crawling out
grow like plants
coming out of the ground
half bodies twisted
I see them and they retend
yet they twist again
like I cant see
time blinks
my heart breaks
mend and break
animals are beeing pimped
anger not mine
crawls in my skin
not me
this is not for real
this is not for real
God save me from the world
I dont belong
not in this mess
making me breaking me
you cant expect
me to sit and waist
its not theirs to take
go away
so many reasons
none to give a reason
am I the only one?
I am being raped
I have stopped
participation in the play
I didn't get in it that way
I am sold
into slavery
then it slipped
and I have seen
I pray to my God
I pray to the God I know
taken and stolen
I never prayed to anyone
no thing can make them theirs
I will not concede
they wont make believe
until you let me know
whats happened
so I can stop
mending this dream
God help me
I make my stance known
Can you hea me Lord
I am not with this
your will I can not see
but now its done.
What will be will be
Ill be there
for you
I still hold your name

Bradley

[toforever]

SO much here ~ I have taken for granted ~ what we have in life ~ somehow it didn't show ~ all I can say is sorry ~ to the me grown bitter ~ the me thats succumb ~ my God the provider ~ my God whos gifts I squndered ~ My family for their heartache ~ my family for the shame ~ My family for they should not be ashamed ~ my friends who I have let go ~ the earth for abusing it ~ humanity for myvanity ~ Sheri fro I love you so ~ Sheri for not loving me ~ Sheri for letting it all go ~ Shawn for not being true ~ Shawn for tinking only of me ~ God for not being pleased ~ God for coming to you then leaving you ~ my body for not taking care ~ my soul for not knowing you were there....God you have heard my prayers and i'm sorry I dont even know whats wrong anymore to face and achange it ~ GOd I am powereless without knowing what i'm addicted to ding... I cant see on this side ~ PLese let me see what to do or maybe its what I shouldn't do. Am I a glutton to thought ~ fat with compleexities ~ things that I can't puttooghether anymore ~ Well, I'll shut the system down if I can ~ show me if i'm wrong ~ see my want ~ help my do ~ know my acknowledgement ~ know my sorrow ~ I'll stop being so eager ~ try a little more control ~ thanks

[toforever]

I want to want something again
a lose lose situation
with a win lose clause
I wonder just how funny this is
seeing me not permitted to laugh
showing knowing
readi as scared
you
and something you cant do
your lose lose circumstances
its just that your afraid
to win
me as you
just from
inside the rrom with
mirrors that are windows
now
judge me not as judge you
you wouldnt know how

[toforever]

Easier to something wrong when everyone around you is dong the same. Easier to do something wrong when everyone else around you tells you its right. Easier to do something wrong when you know you will always be forgiven. Hard to do wrong alone. Not hard as in difficult to do but difficult to live with. Communication, is being blocked by who? I have well, **** It...

[toforever]

Originally Posted by best

and he fit just where you wanted him to fit. He filled your need to want to care for him at that point.



All that you have said about him may be 100% true. I have no doubts about any of it.

His issues. You can't change them, only he can.

Look inside yourself and see if there is anything in you that could use being changed. Don't use him as your guide of where you are at. Look for what is right aside of his actions.

Boundaries and self growth should be your point of action. keep seeing what you can gain from meetings and keep working on "Your" recovery. Let him deal with his and his attitude.

~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~~~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~~
If you really knew what it was like to be me?
If I could only know what it was like to be you?
What do you think? all, you are better than anyone else? What do you think? Think about it...think too. Are they allbetter than me some how? Talk competition so.....
talk life...what can you say? Let nobody act like they couldn't possibly be where anyone else is in their life!!!!!
IF you were born them...you would be.

[toforever]

Originally Posted by evelle8

Time



So much time is on my mind

Slipping by so fast

Without looking at the past

Were we driving much to fast

I think it's time to crash

And we ran out of cash

Having come this far

We didn't want to turn back

Straight are we now

We can see away that's clear

To regain what we held dear

And face what we fear

It seems that all was lost

Considering the cost

Your life or doing time

Was it really a crime

That's your opinion or is it mine

With so much time on my mind



evelle8

Who has choices? Who is trying? What is a waiste of time? Who feels the guilt? Should they? Who is a better person?
what would it mean to be a better person? How does love give to someone else when ther is no one to receive it? How does one love oneself without ever thinking about themself? IF you think about yourself are you not loving somehow? IF you are treated bad is it you or someone else or is it just your choice? ME im you to me and then some until im me again

Bradley

[toforever]

Someone asked today I think, no yesterday...maybe it was really in tomorrow. A blur it is anyway, just as everything has become and I cant even remember a why. But no I dont like stickers anymore. Seems i'm a sticker, yeah thats why. Once I liked them, yes. To get a sticker on your test paper, that made me feel important...special. Better than just good. Yes I really liked them. I dont like being one. I'm back, and Im stupid. Right now stop me make thuis writing stop. Im here writing again. How is it? How does it feel? How is it that things dont move are not there...until I see them. Even though I couldn''t see what I cant see..I still see.

God You have graced me with joy and peace these last two days. So I must say my bitterness is not at you although I know it seeps through. YA know I tend to think, that is when I can. Its like a privilage now and truly grateful I am...yet this doesnt bottle up.

Its the rest. Maybe like I think sometimes its because its only me who could possibly be happy with this...deal with this. It amazes me. I hope. For sure things look so awful but God is God and logic is much surpassed. For sure I probally overreact...espeacially cause a reaction only amplyfies. Yet something inside me cant just let it be...cause its like watching death in slow motion. Im sorry for not doing or maybe doing what is not helpful.

My work is to be the one to bear this. My achievement is silent unnoticed. I cant even appreciate, but God knows im working although my work is largely to do nothing. So this here is like failure. But if I dont I might just become something I cant allow anymore. I love. I find myself repeating I love I love Iove. For I do truly and deeply, I want to cry because I dont have any reason or explanation for why I do or especially why I should.

I say its faith, partly true partly just because theres nothing I can do. I remind mysellf I am human. I am human right? But things are off. they are way to off to not consider. Seems like there are just shells of people. My own *** family. GOd I could get so angry.

SO quick could I change my position. Its scary. This calm to days last two days I think. Time is lost to me which I secretly enjoy somehow. I questioned why today. You know me, I ask all the hard questions. I must to assure myself in this SWARMY. But the hive is silent. Too silent now. Its strange how you get so used to something even if its bad, when its not there it makes you uneasy. Lord guide me through. Im trying to be smaller, but only belief in love makes me believe in in love. I make it fit. all for love.

Bradley still here

[toforever]

Although the swarmy is the theme with other entries this is definately of a different swarm.

Something. Some thing. Someone and now is it really some one? Its not what am I or are!!!

Dont ask me if I know what I am. Better said, rightly said, who you are. and the question if you did ask was dont you know what you are (minus a dirty verb) in that maybe question. for thats how you said it, if I heard you.

Its more really I didnt, but really i might have, and you I think only you would understand given the before and after mystery. dont you know who you are?

And if you did ask and I truly and sincerly thought about it because it would seem you could, did, or do hate me, if you asked or if I heard or if you are in the now of this now ~~~ You do see, you do know.

if I did hear what you may have asked me. This I would know "that you know" because such anger might be pretty convincing in the way I could possibly have heard it. Only vulnerability and hope do I feel at the moment in truth.

In the either near or far, before or now or in its time or end time real injustice will not be. This I firmly believe so all should have no need to be concerned. For what is hidden will be revealed.

I may be naive in this considering your vantage point in the knows and the ifs. Also with scent of deceit upon deceit and and clear motive I feel that revenge or escape or usurping may be hidden within I may be going out on a limb and then cutting it off.

Yet I put my trust in God that correctness and conviction will sort things out when God so chooses. For who could escape or who would dare try when the way is one. Angels Demons, Devils I no nothing of yet this to is a matter of God where I take my refuge even now.

I give that just as a warning for you in care and showing of "who I am" so it be known to you if you would or did ask or wonder?

Who I am is really far from my mind for its a question that if there were an answer as if there is for such a
question would be
No ,if I take it in the fate kind of a way as I think you would be asking it. But in my reality in my limited understanding of life as a human, my answer would be Brad or Bradley in full.

Yet even if you did and even if I did, wouldnt you be telling me and not askin?. But if you knew you would know. and if you know you should also know that I love and will live and die with love. For to me, what else is there to live for and what else do we live by?

Yet even if in love you come to me in voice from object or whatever way, and you can maybe justify as I do because I have seen you it doesnt give me why? But I know things are not always as they seem, so I wonder if it was truly you that twice I saw and experienced entertainment in place as it were.

I admired you first. Then I was a great fan and I even spent many hours in the boredom of the classroom thinking about your words, scribbling your words in notebooks passing time and easing my hidden pain.

I was in so much pain then. I was alone locked in me. So in many ways your words supported me, even if they were of hate, anger and hopelessness. Somehow then seeing that some else felt such pain and hoplessness gave me hope.

Your screams were screams I fed to my aching soul because I couldnt speak like you were able to. And speak things that really had no meaning in word just emotion to me then. I found such peace hearing you sing your pain to cheering crowd. I remebered your entire set and memorized it because I did so greatly admire you and your great talent. Even so though your flame "inspiration" I am uncertain of. Its really not for me to judge.

Then something happened though in my life that had great signifigance, but its as if you allready knew before of this event of my silent life to real life. I only come to understand this is being possible now or atleast recently. The question should really be who are you if it be asked? Right?

I never even knew me then, as before the something that happenned and since is the after which I refer in this now. The thing is before in my shell I felt you like medicine. Was that wrong? I ask although I know there is no response because its out of its time now.

But now I can ask who are you in this time, but I wont because we should remeber that its if you asked and if I heard and if I recognized.

Yet I do recognize
something. Still the ifs attach. I wont say how or when, because even if I could understand how or when, I dont think, no I cant as in I am unable to say cause its not of any sense to me. I will say it is you who I cry about sometimes, among others. I cried alot though and felt you over and over for awhile because I felt someone should.

Its sort of peculiar cause after all I dont know you. Right? or maybe better said as an if there for that. Yet so strong were my emotions. I also experienced something real in this matter in the after that was really unreal by most people's understnading. It was in this after, so if you knew you would know what I say, if not then I still extend those tears to you.

Does anybody really know your pain? Is it real or an act? Could I feal such sorrow for a man that was only an act. How much I wanted to help you but this was in time before with actuality and also there for repeat, but in the after was my experience of it in emotion and tears.

This is after now!!! As I see it now. but its Gods domain when it comes to life and its distance we measure as time. Likewise, it will always be I believe even if its somewhat displaced or whatever. With tthat in mind in the now for my safety I have to step aside from any type faul play.

but it was in the after and away from place I cried,and strangely in the time it when it was actual and witness with body and place I took joy. Dont get me wrong though it wasnt joy in your pain it was that somehow I didnt feel alone because of you.

Now, against all my belief, I actually still cant help think of you as someone very good, loveable, caring and amazingly talented for sure. I saw someone couragous to speak those things. Things I had in me also in some ways and almost as if it were the words of my soul if it were to speak.

For it would be hard to tell the difference then as lost as I was. but I wouldnt dare even if I could have the ability speak them myself.

So to me you were somewhat of a hero for me, and then I was a coward subconsciously.The past though right? I no I am no longer that way though it is still part of who I am in that its how I came to be by what I came out of.

But you helped form my shell for with you I could portray the attitude I saw in you that I in frustration used for my fake image. Yet you spoke them to everyone. You definately seemed to have a purpose and somehow I know it wasnt fame or money or admiration.

I would wonder what is wrong with this poor man. Not wrong as wrong but as in what is it that is really happening or happenned as I see it now the you I see as imagine. Really I dont know you to speak of you so forgive my possible fantasms.

I wish I heard what you were saying then as I might now but really I cant. But your image and reality from my perception that I cant seem to lose, still wrenches at me because the only thing I can see as your rage and fire is a felt injustice.

Yet this cant or atleast shouldnt be, for the very things you spoke/speak that I couldnt/cant and still cant because they go against everything I believe. So when you your voice starts going through my mind I generally try to stop it now.

Before it was sort of constant in a way but I didnt really consider much what you were saying and never would have then thought of any reference to me if that were even possible. Still thats sort of the dilemma because it is as if. No response needed. I am done with it. Its not my truth.

So it is parodoxical to me, and even worse are some of things I consider. When I dare to consider who you are "if you are" my lack of self (in ego) now, leaves it open for anything. My true self, my being is sound as in secure now.
If I lose focus its like sometimes I am as you and you are as the one whose words are love and life to me somehow in my free wheeeling imagination. But your words would and do completely contradict and even really attack.

I express this here, and strangely I am conserned about revealing something that shouldnt be, not that I know or believe it, yet I have indeed considered it as I said. This wounds me. Theres a likeness there somehow though. Is this just true or is it part of the show or your image? I bear no witness to you for I cant in truth.

I dont think Im meant to know, but if it were of some truth that might give some reason for your purpose which I feel in empathy and feel as prey to deceit or sabotage, especially considering my current perception of things is so confusing.

Yet it seems deceit is your anger and overall message if I would sum it up. I cant though because im cearly not impartial on the matter. Somehow I know, but to be safe I will say believe you will receive this ~~~ somehow.

[toforever]

The real question that comes to me now ~~~ it is this ~~~ did you allready as in before the after receive this. And what really is this? So real to me in emotion, so slow to surmount, so relational with you as I see things. it is topic of thought for me as experienced before and in thinking about in the after considering the pain I know of.



This ~~~ somehow goes before the if it were true that you asked and if were true that I heard. Yet something else I can feel says it may really be in the after so its the if that is yours, "if" it is in fact not an if. But if it were not why do I cry? why do I consider? Or If it "is" you may have asked, why would you not answer for you could if the if was.



So opportunity I extend as if it were not allready as is or was before., and of good only may it be in opportunity for good. If it "were" it "is". If it isnt it doesnt make a difference as would understand, accept maybe only to me and my fate. May the Lord have understanding here and mercy I pray.



All this I fear to venture into now but my heart makes me feel I should because I would help you if I could even despite the question which really should be of me to ask you, that is if I heard which even I cant be sure or sure to say.



So opportunity and chance I extend with this only with love to you, and some solice with me. with that in mind I hope it enrwrap this note which may or may not be anything really in loves safety.



Chance and opportunity I have been given, and you were a part apart from who I am in my understanding in truth. Or if I never experienced anything of you would I still be the same?



Looking at the before where there are not the ifs as in the after and in the now which is something only you should know that leaves open hope for you I hope in good will. Please dont tread on me though for that would be of likely bad result for both of us, you and me too.



Atleast this is my thinking ~~~ i think



Its opened up, or out in this now .............. for you if you are true and you love, it is open because I want you to know that you helped me. So as in the before I will extend my thank you in the after and now in the now.



With care for you and disregard for me, and even now as I write I wonder why should. Why I should when you didnt or dont as it is now.



oh wait I think you did leave something "in the before" but that would negate the question in this after for it was answered by you then in that comment if I took it rightly. It certainly relates you would see and know if it is and only if.



So why then ~~~ if or even if not? and why then would you say given no reason for the question "in the after that I speak of". What is it with you? and how do you do? Or should I really be asking why dont I get it, as in in comprehend this ~~~ considering im here writing this jargon.



but someone else crossing through the before and after and more in the after yet with a scent of before. Likeness......of like profession too"as would be seen by most" speaks of this something which puts up my gaurds like I shouldnt trust you, as if your own words that I might take as to my regard shouldnt also repell me from you.



its a "maybe" or really maybe a may be for its only in intuitive fear and charitable trust with no given factual standing. Its the things that lie beneath it all give warning atleast. Should I try to sort it out? For there is so much more to it all really in my head... but it seems now best left as is or as if.



Yet like to you or even me its like a thing that was not something that I may be doing now but allready did. Anyway this is going through was it you who guide now somehow, fullfilling what is or was and now will be. Would you harm me? Would you do the right thing?



Sardonic, what does that word really mean anyway?

No hard feelings? I didnt mean much by my other rants regarding you, just my egoism then.










from- Who... I...am in Christ Jesus in love and trust. I wont be redundant or self destructive here by naming any names. put my name here if "you" know "your" answers. Please regard me as is or as is should be for me, for you, for us, for them. ~~~ please take care ~~~ thanks ~~~ let merry rest ~~~ peace



A way in or way out, to me there is no difference its the reason the way is chosen that chooses us in or out or up or down for that matter.