in the swarmy

[toforever]

December, and so. what?
being hopeless is pure and sure,
hope, until...
until you know its hopeless.
hope be thy sustenance and my constant!

gun to my head, again mind's eye and tin.
body burning now, so bright so invisible.
heart together - so it seems...
my house with a light,
windows of stained glass try the sight.

night time, and night space...
pain - I can't see outside!
yet here I can be just or fullfill this lust.
a light and a switch,
my love with a hitch.

now looking in...
see myself by the fire.
take a look out,
too hot, burning presentation liar.
I seem far away...climbing higher.

like hearing voices from closed mouths,
blowing kisses against the wind.
I seem too close, where shall I go?
I say here I am!
the problem speaks! Hush the sham?

Take a light from this flame.
let me see your faces.
let us melt away.
here you take, there we play.
tommorow is now today!

night and day...give the beauty to define.
a see through life...
yet infinite overfilled, such substance.
rubber and true,
me the and the you.

stepping through a door,
a way out and a way in.
bullets fly and with joy I still cry!
it's a bullet proof life...try?
in love with love could I ever ask why?

[toforever]

Yeah, i ask why
but so it is and it will be
for I can not dictate time
nor can I conquer space

The flow of life
is what it is
I am just here
here trying not to drown

And the movements
body and the spirit
do their dance
my souls torment is incidental

This I believe
This I live by
I will get by
I will survive

by some storming crowd
I'm being crushed
on the floor I can not see
I can not say

its all incidental
must take the good with
good with bad
wait for the sunrise

the heart of the sunrise
I have taken it
taken it into heart
I breath every breath with unquestioned hope

circumstance has its way
I am where I am
it doesn't make judgement
today is no different to the world

Never did Tuesday
complain to Wednesday
that Friday had it all
and Monday got a raw deal

Life is precious
no matter what it is i'm feeling
cards are dealt
and hands are played

The sun shines on some
and the hail pounds down on others
who are we to complain to anyway
God doesn't pick favorites

Atleast I can't think that way
say I am cursed
What choice do I have
I must battle through any obstacle

So I continue in the swarmy
It is my home away from home
I can ask why
but any answer would really be a lie

Even if it wasn't
an answer would be useless
atleast as long as i'm alive
Life is love and i still have life

[toforever]

Any comments on how to recoup life and normal activity when your burried?

[toforever]

SWEET SUNSHINE..................................
slowly I step through a door
I had locked it from the inside
something is different this day

sweet sunshine....................................
so afraid i have been
i shut myself in
so afraid i am that this is not real

oh precious breeze.....................................
so long and so hard this has been
to experience this relief, inneffible
taking it in slow, for my face i'm still scared to fully show

oh precious breeze............................................ .......
you give me your gentle carress
you tell me its time
have i paid my dues? still looking for clues

Oh my Lord All Mighty!!!
i am filled with joy of Your Magesty today
cautious i am though
i fear you like i'm painting over the Sistine

i cried so many tears today
i offer every one to You God in simple thanks
I know this is still just another day
so i try to keep myself in place

it is You my God who deserves all honor and praise
the glory and honor is indeed Yours Jesus
how i ask should i present myself?
i know your Love lets me express freely

Dear Lord its more than i imagined
you are beyond imagination
how am i so at peace with all this disorder?
should i even allow it to be?

sweet sweet relief...........................................
so long i have labored in vain
something has changed this day
my enemies fall down like gentle snow flakes today

i look at everything with Love
i feel whole for the first time
i believed this was possible
in Love I had no choice for faith has been carrying me

Thank You Lord Jesus!!!
you are the way and you are the Word
You visit me and i don't notice
yet your Word and Covenant is imprinted in my heart

this Covenant is Life to me
i was dead and you raised me up
i am love because you loved me
my heart is me and Your Word has fixed it

i know its still cold and night out and in
but today i got sweet sunshine
today i felt a precious warm breezze
today i can know that i will never be the same

my dignity was lost
but you upheld me when I could not
You Lord gave me a chance it seems
You Lord sounded the alarm it was clear to come out side

My dignity restored
i pray it not be illusion
i pray this day be the break through
i pray that you never leave my side

i pray that i remain true
i pray for this to be solid and real
i pray that i may keep my heart's focus on you
i pray that i do not disgrace this wonderful grace

i know i will fall again
but i see things differently now
now that i reached a place
not an end or place to dwell but a smile

its all iv'e been wiaiting for
just to see Your smile
God thank you for bidding Your time with me
Your patience and mercy, just so beautiful

[toforever]

Sometimes,,,

I can't tell if I can see anymore at all,
these shackles loosed - freedom awaits,
but I can't tell you with confidence,
that i'm still not afraid,

seasons they change,
my actions too
for I get so lost in this dream,
dizzy my head, and my compass broken in my heart,

is it gone? the fear, the pain, the shadow?
I wish I could be more angry...

but I know...
it's that I can't say that I didn't bring it all upon myself,
it still makes me sad,
yet this seems a comfort indulged, sad for sadness,

caution is the sign my inner voice is yelling,
so i'll try to resist this joyous urge,
I see green fields and sunshine before me,
I want to run out and scream at the top of my lungs,

don't jump the gun,
I know i'm still a louse,
I can tell, my heart tells me so,
if I wasn't I wouldn't be writing this now,

and I know the Devil is still on back...

I have been fooled so many times before,
I can't take the bait,
but something has changed,
does courage call? I can't mess this up now,

hard to tell whats brave and whats reckless,
what is the right thing to do,
if i could know this I would do,
sometimes I know, I just fail and i'm tired of failure.

I have a need to achieve,
getting confused over this new balance,
questioning if this is sin of pride,
but my understanding of achievement is different now,

its not that I want to believe i'm more than I am true,
its that I need to feel myself actualized...

I need to confirm that i'm together and true,
no matter how low i sit or crawl,
its the place i must be,
it is wherever the place i find myself true,

only then can I move to the outward charity,
its all been charity insidec for out
that since I was struck down,
thank goodness for humiliation,

just had to fix me before I can fix you...

so sorry I am for the toll for becoming real,
so sorry for the toll for not being real,
I have not done well in this life,
I'll do anything to make things right,

understanding come to me has been hard to live,
its a battle that to me had to be,
but the casualties I never imagined,
if I knew maybe I would have stayed,

for the world inverts when you open your eyes...

so much beauty it pulls me, drives me,
so much ugliness to peace together, but,
what is true is what has to be,
my soul i think hates me,

myself neglect for 29 years,
I hid the hurt so deep I hought I was happy,
the subconscious held a scared child,
I was struck down by grace,

saw my dirty image for the first time,
then even that was not real,
when I really realized all the lies
I had really made them real,

then I saw no image at all...

so this is what was, and this is what is now,
atleast I had the chance,
there is hope with breath,
its a chance I couldn't refuse,

now I can never turn back...

even though the path ahead was a dark
a thick forset no certainty of coming out,
I entered and took all I could,
still a fool its all been stripped, taken away,

naked as I am now atleast now,
I have me in disordered peace, and God,
now I can sleep most nights and face my God sincere,
I ran to the bushes like Adam and Eve once before,

I'm crying out now,
voice is coming through,
God can I still receive your mercy?
I could not show myself before to even ask,

now my sorrow true, i'll do what I can do...

I'm little, i'm broken, i'm bruised,
I'm exhausted, forever changed,
did I pull through? or am i too damged now?
what else do I have to proove?

I would like to try to be the human being I was created to be...

Is there anything left of me? Do I have the right?
strange thing is it doesn't much really matter anymore,
the lessons learned have made me realize,
I don't have to measure myself be good be evil,

I just have to be, accept what is,
that makes me happy,
to know i've tried,
I can respect myself,

its opened my heart,
I feel my center,
I feel boundless love,
I'm still filthy but I can tell that this can be cleaned,

I recommit myself again...

I spilll these words for whatever reason it is,
my will is guided by faith in the dark,
what is- is what happens- happens,
so I am vommiting these words so i'm not sick anymore,

so I can move on ...
so I can really be ...
so I can really love ...
so I can really give ...

atleast its not a lie not fake anymore,

no matter what it is, its real,
i'm real, real or not,
so from this point stablized,
God can change me true, now real hope...

i'm holding on leting go,
My goodbye now is really a

[toforever]

no feelings, this isn't good
well i'm sure tomorrow i'll be chipper
thanks for another day Lord
Thanks you for helping me
thanks for understanding like you do
me writing these words for self gratification
because i'm lonely
love without connection is pain

[toforever]

What a wonderful grace
such a beauiful taste,
balance true
i never knew,
i'm high but low
in both now i'm stable, free to grow,
disorder and pain are still here
acceptance gives me strength to bear,
The Lord prooves his truth
I can live now as in my youth,
I will be ashamed no longer
the past is done, learning has made me stronger,
whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there using these new found wings,
let the world see me real
and know that I will no longer steal,
the word of the lord is life
in my heart guiding me now to see whats right,
thank you God for the chance
I am in love with love, a true romance!!!

Bradley

[toforever]

this world is not the same
for sure it has changed
I try to say its my perception

yet I know what doesn't make sense
It indeed could be just things around me alone
But it effects people too

the people I love and close to me
this is such a disgusting reality
In God I am not allowed to consider

things that would kill me
not by a natural cause
but the very collapse of my heart

a reason true to dispair
i would let my heart break to bits
if my love be abused and of destruction

being in God I have moral concern
it makes me obligated to do things
called for to do whats right

things so unreal and illogical
my efforts have prooved useless here
instead it seems evil is taking advantage

seems to use my good will
makes me swim out into waters unkown
I explore them carefully

eventually it makes my go deeper
I go beyong the point of no return
looking for answers to questions i make my own

grasping for answers to things absurd
because of a threat of someone in pain
is this just a goose call

still gives thought to someone in danger
yet really many are portrayed
and for some reason the center is on me

this swimming is largely with thought
but it is in the abstract surreal to its best
love and logic even sorts out this mess

giving possibilities that have given me no rest
night and day I was consumed
beat down by enemies coming as friends

I lend my hand I do whatevr I can
but no thanks or assurance is left
like it was all just in vain even with all my pain

all my energy drained and subdued
by the waters that always were of no welcome
only trying to help a calling cry

its that maybe only I can hear
I never stopped before to question
my own life never a thought

my death never the concern
how could I do such when its there?
when I might be the only one to help

deeper I went over and over
I have drowned and gone under to real doom
seriously and without a resererve

nothing to get me back
I can say that God has rescued me
must be 10 times now in truth its been so

yet I wonder now if its been all stupidity
the fool of the Devil
and even worse maybe the tool of him too

I wonder and do regret
I know my choices have not always been the best
all alone I have tried

it never seemed to be a question before
a question of yes or no
yes was just a response and reaction

my trust in God feels used
i have been raped over and over
by things beyond me cruel

things I can't see to even scorn
and they leave only pain in their wake
the suffering I go through willingliy

just like a mother suffer for child
and she does not care
its the child she loves

the child her concern
so it has been the same here
but there are no answers

its shown love has done all it can
surely there would be some resolution
but not here only utter confusion

time and effort has given way
the voices that cry are out of my reach
still nagging if I look out there

and they are not happy shouts
they are scornful and angry
always hinting at my neglect

telling me i'm wicked
like I am some killer
they actually make me believe

they really make me consider
such strange things
theres no logic to it

for why would they call like I can help
then crush me for giving the effort
energy from them doesn't reconcile this together

no one would i even expect
no one would I even consider
dragging out with me to drown aswell

could I ask the starnger?
he or she would be innocent
their destruction would be on my willed hands

could I ask of a loved one?
the ones I care for most
never could I allow them to enter

even though its been impossible to keep hidden
besides they consider me crazy
atleast so they say and this is probanly best

I wonder how can they not see
around me too they are in the swarmy
nobody would I will to enter

not with this scent of evil
no truth conveyed just hate
mockery I have learned to take

but the thing it is over or atleast changed
i can no longer suport this anymore
not knowing what it be all about

i will fight for life give me a reason
but this just prooves fake or to beyond me
my rsponsibility I do not know

for surely a reason there would be
that this is happening to me
could be I am just so damn naive

So i have to accept it for now
until enough show itself to merit
to go out to death again there must be no lie

It still doesn't answer why
i think I must just live on then
with this deceit around utill I die

the what and who is even unclear
but I still know what is real
Now I am made to feel guilty for just living

like i'm being ignorant and not caring
where has everybody gone?
why must I consider these suspicions?

why am I left alone?
doing nothing to call for abandonment
i have given love to every outreach

still everything is dying around me
at the very same time I sit
in peace and joy whenever I can forget

my disease is not as much within
as everyone seems to think
this disease that is out and around

is not heard of by any so called expert
so I have to keep it to myself
for survival of the powers that be

telling me what is, I go along to quiken the unrelated BS
to save the uneeded complaints
and for their own protection I do not show

easily evidence I could give
a recording I caould take
many direct non-arguable things i could display

the choice I make there I stick by
logic tells me that they would know if they should
besides they would be more in the dark than me

could they really be in denial?
No, its too clear and plain as day
something true but not explainable

yet no one I think could completely look away
this too giving evidence to much distaste
yet I wont become guilty by this dark manipulation

even alone now I have attained balnance
union and harmony in myself
at peace with myself for the first time

sincere about me atleast I can be
God my ultimate prooves his care
showing me beauty amidst chaos

giving consolation and moments of bliss
unless this be a disguise too in the mix
again I say that would do destroy me

I am turning a corner though
the time has come to change my focus
this because my life has value

this because I have come so far for myself
this because I have something to give
I cant keep wasting it in futile measure

but I see the world not the same
I have not learned how far this goes
am i wasting my time with any endeavor?

i will to do good were I can
still that would be just pretending
if all were just a dream and a shirade

am I the joke of all?
forever with something to be blamed
wanting me to be so ashamed

everything around calling out to me
yet in obscurity what can they expect?
if someone could just tell me something

something about it that was true
i would surely do something
what ever was reasonable to do

especially if it be of me
that someone's pain came to be
i wonder is it anger yet love that is them

it could be for it seems like a reason
however the past is done
I can not change it, atleast I don't think

whatever demons arroused
go to sleep stop harassing me
I'm not the same as I once was

i have changed and this I will not disown
i have done my time to get to good
atleast for what it is i know of

the rest is just too sublime
if I hold blame make what it is clear
if I continue someones hurt please take me down

i am going to live in happiness unless halted
even though it seems to me opposed to something
by guilt or concern for something unknown

why should joy be as like a crime?
like something I should never deserve
who would wish misry without an anchor?

but this goes against what I believe
in the dignity of every life
all deserve a chance to change

only fate will tell me what comes
if someone will ever even call out my name
for surely they would know it

That is, if i am so to blame

Bradley
redshift7@msn.com

[toforever]

Well, so now am seeing a different portrait. Its anoyher picture. To decorate the walls of the house of possibilities in the city of love. Being as a nomad in the cty I frequent this house. In the city i'm treated as thing it seems. Yet in the house of possibilities there is also a portrait of love itself, and this is not a portrait like the others. It is the portrait you see only from a distance. It is the painting from everything hanging on these walls here in this house of possibilities and no one could ever interpret everything in it because its so vast and looks like it changes any time you look. It is also blinding to the eyes if you stare too long, and it seems to make you like your drunk and cinfused. Its just understood greater than the house. This house is not positive or negitive except for its place location which is its only distinguishing mark to give it its purpose. In another city it may be an terrible thing. It seems protected by an army so much so that it really doesn't allow me to know how how i'm cared for or why i'm called here. My role is definately of some importance to the house because I am always given these portraits to put up. It seems though that I'm as in a daze or sleeping walking here and I can't remember where or why I put something where I did or the reason it even is in the house to begin with. I don't unnderstand why I find myself staring at some rather than others. I feel like there's something disrespecting me always too, pushing me. I here laughter, and theres portraits everywhere of me looking like a jack ass. For along time I didn't respect myself either so it didn't really matter much and wasn't much of a thought. The more time I have spent here the less its been like sleep walking and the more its become like a school that never seemed to be intended to be. The pictures are now like a teacher, and a production that I assist. Yet waking up from stupor I feel like the student that has began to notice things. Being that I move the pictures iand my ack of understanding of my own wit in the real making and arrangement it seemed a requirement not to think here. Certain pictures wake you up though abit. Now as a worker to it spending so much time its like they natural have made this sleep more normal than wake. and now pictures are generating on there own and I moving around like i'm flying. There's a new picture of the house itself and its a picture of the house in a fake city. Don't pay attention another picture warns by what thinking about it could mean for me. It shows the possibility of me being tossed from the city altogether if I do. But I know what the house is and this is just a posibility. Now respect seems called for because of what i have seen, but respect another picture shows that another worker may replace me and benefit from all ive done here as his own. Portraits are now laying in the grass outside , there everywher and some are so distugusting I must coverr them from others that couldn't bear them. Ive seen them all. I hate them now and I hat the house but I love the city and I respect my function, that is only if the city is not fake as the one portrait I am always standing in front of shows. The portrait of me rebelling my thing like role has now apperaed too.

[toforever]

the portrait of my mistake that can't be made is shown in almost evry portrait in thew house of possibilities. It is behind a curtain though always and so it just threeatens to consider but the consideration is clearly important because its in every picture it seems. there's only one that it doesn't appear and its the on of myself working in the house as I do.

[toforever]

seems to me
you are not who I once knew
the you no matter what you could ever do
the you that I hold in love forever
it can not change
now you incomplete
in me away seems so strange
never questioned eventually you
to find you
I never imagined the betrayal
love itself you just never knew
far away you were from you
as far away as I was from me
the you that I think you never knew
you simply could never have seen
the part of the me for real
is only real with you
here or away
the me I could only see with you
not a dream or hope
and will never give way.
in the distance
love manifested
i didn't know could be
when we were off
yet together
there was something so sweet
evryhtiing i'll ever feel
not lost thiough you stray
too much I couldn't lose it if I tried
I thought you knew
you too were not real
I never guesed
you couldn't see them play
smile and the smile's
all I would steal
I never considered
you weren't watching with delight
you and I standing
out there
together cold in the night.
i guess you were not able
didn't care
to see the dance inside
this dance
made all disappear
so strange you saw me cold
I was ignorant
my body and being
there dead you stayed
no purpose or vision
i gave you too much credit
i hope i do
that wasn't what killed you
in its beautiful flow
the dance like heaven
no matter how we would lie.....
all I was
it must have seemed absurd
atleast to you then
just as all you were
seems absurd to me now
left wondering
when if ever you were
there a part
in the only thing we ever were about
that is
if we were ever to have been something
you never asked
what I was always staring at
I never angered at you
now feeling still i do
but less and i'm beaten down
like a door mat
a fool
How blinded I was
because this joy
could not be faked
I could have shown you if I had known
the sadness
hid in you that you hate
this lie
you for some reason
can not allow to show
and can not take
If you could have ever ********G tried
How sorry I am
that I didn't consider
how much you lied
how so good you were at it too
I really bet
no I know you still think you are fine
you loved i think
maybe once before
that stupid me
far away and not real
I warned you
that me was not to be cared for
just there for
to touch but never feel
I told you
that me wouldn't be there
by the time I was to heal
forever is what is
its always how i lived
I only knew this love because of you
my dear
now i'm not so clever
things not so clear
so sad it is the real me is still dancing
with you I still dance
not here
now only in hope
do we ever dance the you part of you
gone off in weekness and fear
so hard to believe
you would leave content
not you
unreal hiding pain
Breaking the dance I see
mockery of the love
the joy I had part off
indeed
me real now yet fairly insane
only saw this
real me when together with you
i might have never
never known all that was there
for me for you too
how could you not know
all that really was there
so much more
than I know you have
in your shelter
fake happy home
or did you know and not tell
the me that you were
you just something to wear
I never was there though
and I know you must have known
Atleast this
I always told the you
what was coming for you
only I knew that you
the you that you sold
The you that you hide
under a thick coat of lies
I didn't care because I loved you so much
thinking I was so damn wise
I trusted you so much
not as much for me
even the you
but those two in there
that were
the we were to be
those two that were happy
more than two boundless
filling everything
that was something worth fighting for girl
how I don't think yoju really know what love is
now seeing you to judge
outside my basking super you protection light
I thought you were on your way
to the dance
thinking you atleast alive
me or me was the choice
you chose wrong
but I could have told you that
I never imagined you were not going
not to be here when I arrived
It was never a question
you being strong enough
you are as frail as anything i've know
partly why I love you so
for you had to have in you
how I was just going
thats what I was
on my way for you for me
to get there was not a doubt
did you really think
I would ever fail you
never
you quit and gave up
just outside of town
Its hard to understand why you would deny yourself
even so far away
I would not consider this
settle for anything but whole
was not done when you ran
it will always lack
be incomplete
for you to
strange, I give you crdit
yet so much how and why I grew
I could always
see you real my girl
its such a shame
together off in the distance
the you that was
I pitty the same
the dancing was beautiful
and you left
her all alone waiting swaying
in the empty room
my spirit drifting in delusion
I cant believe that you let your heart grow
that is grow cold into stone.
she is still here
so you know
in my heart I keep her safe
but how will you ever see her
for you never even saw the dance
your chance made so much a waiste
spit on it you did
crimes worse
gravea deeper
so much bigger
than you and I ever were
A spiritual union
never once made a sound
jsut a steady burn
So great
I have to carry its weight
alone with you sleeping out there
I still thank you though
for helping me to see
the real me
I have now
although be it not dancing anymore
Now real
I carry the real you with me
crawling on the floor
my mistake
the paiin that you had to bear your own
your mistake
you lied about me to you
pretending now
right, I see you have grown
You lied to yourself
and you knew so too
How could you
lie to me and you about me
when I gave you everything
the whole *********g me
fake and true
The wretched face I put out
a man who was and was not
I never lied to you
about me you do see
Know this always
you beautiful and real
I could see
she is there my girl
I couldn't see the lie about the lie
the one you hide in now
off and on your way
I know you
covering sadness burried deep down
its there
together was the dance
that was of spirit and not yours to throw away
not mine
not ours
don't you see
will you ever see
give it due justice
all i asked
putting your fears in front
like always you just ran
run run away
its more than this walk
of days in a wrecked life
a love
so pure
how numb you must have become
together is now a dream
that just only is
Now a solo
I perform for its honor
and my only way to live
know that its beautiful here
but filled with so much sorrow
yet without any fear
now I must decide
if I shall find another
or stay
here at peace with me
hard to even bother
Dont you ever believe that you or I are more
the love you disrespect
we made real
like it or not
that made everything there is of me
its me now real
now i'm made some void filling *****
its to great
the love
love
my love
cant break it
you just left it
say what you will
no matter your desire
I dont lie girl
I see you
I know your reasons
my sweet little liar
If I did leave it too
I would die
how didn't you?
I love you just the same still
no matter what you may ever do
its called unconditional
funny thing is
I gave you the condition unconditional
you gave me full proof failure
I understand though
from fear you hide
from life you know
you cant do anyything much
but cover your ass
hats ok
the rest tears you up sweet thing
of facing your weekness
me
check out real me
you wont have to be afraid
its not about me

[toforever]

Again and again and again

finding my escape
from an image real

its there
but it never makes a difference

I see myself falling
slipping away
why
why cant it be clear

there is no real calling
<