To my love.

[equus]

I see you…

I see you, the whole of you with an addiction but not summed up as an addict, no more than blonde, or clever or funny.

I tell you I’m proud of you but you say not yet. You don’t understand my pride isn’t based on tomorrow or some great thing you might or might not achieve. My pride is that I know you, my pride is in your smile, it’s in who you already are. I see you.

You say I’m deranged to see what I see but I’m not alone, friends have never wished I had a different husband, your mother, father and brother’s eyes say the same thing, old Matt and Mac see you too, I’m so proud to be with you in your home place. They see you too.

You’re beautiful, you’re handsome too but handsome doesn’t describe the beauty of a rare human being, beauty isn’t hips or hair, or even your beard, beauty is your heart. You’re beautiful when you care for your dog, you’re beautiful when you open a door and let people pass, you’re beautiful when you share your exquisite mind without arrogance, you’re you and you is beautiful.

You feel the guilt for tears people have shed, never realising they cried mostly because something so beautiful could be lost. You’re irreplaceable, unique like every person, you can’t go and that gap get filled. Life would go on and other gaps would be filled but a human being, THAT human being can’t be replaced. The tears aren’t because you failed, the tears are because we see you – all of you, complete, not just an addict.

I feel proud of myself, seeing you like noticing the colour purple in a field, I might have missed you if I wasn’t looking, I might have summed you up as an addict if I hadn’t looked. I’m proud of myself today, not waiting for you to achieve some future goal, I’m proud I noticed something so rare, I’m proud that I see you, I’m lucky but more than luck – I saw you.

You are loved and rightly so. Look into our hearts and you can’t find a lie, we love you now, we loved you yesterday, we want you here to love tomorrow. Open your eyes my best friend, my lover, my husband.

To SR,
Apologies for the mush. I know I'm not alone - I'm sending this to him but that's 'cos I'm odd and mushy, I know there are many family and friends feel the same way.

[susane1408]

Wth tears in my eyes I see P and myself in your post my friend
Beautifully written in true Equus style!

[cwohio]

oh equus - that was so beautiful - it's always beautiful to read what real love is truly all about and you said it with style girl!

hugs - christie

[equus]

Well I'm glad you weren't left picking bits of carrot out your keyboard!!

I managed to send it to his work account but forgot he was on a half day - I don't have his new home email (because I can shout upstairs), which means he won't get it till tomorrow. It's that patience thing - I want some but can never find where they sell it!

[evelle8]

your words come straight from the heart. i get that same feeling when i look at my husband it takes my breath away i love him so much. thank you evelle8

[historyteach]

WOW!!!
That's about all I can say to this post...
Just WOW!!!

Equus, never ever apologise for speaking from the heart.
It always shows when you do.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm bumping it up, cuz I just think it's so fitting for all of us who love an addicted person. Not an addict. A person.
In your post, you expressed most clearly, my thoughts and feelings for my beautiful son... Thank you...

Shalom!

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Teach

glad you brought this 1 back I missed it the first time

[equus]

It seems well timed for a reader update. There's been no booze for months, my feelings are still the same but the last tears I lost because of booze was seeing kids drinking on our street corner!!

And all those things I loved? Well they are blooming now, this is one happily married chick!

[Gabe]

Me...I love your mush Eq.
And I think your words speak to all of us who love someone wonderful who is trapped in the grip of addiction.
As my friend Westie would say...MWAHS to you.
Big ones.

[equus]

MWAHS??

Many wiggly ants hiddens safely?

[milla]

I know its silly but i read this to my AH.He is still going thru detox ...his 5th day on suboxone..well, actually we missed the clinic hours today so no dose today.... just lots of iburpofin, valerian and green tea...when i can make him drink it ..) anyway, we've been laying in bed and i keep reading him good posts... and i came upon this one ...i kept having to choke back those tears...felt sappy and silly, but thats why i'm a girl... thanks for saying some good words and making us smile and feel love instead of anger, frustration and fear... enough of that... this is WAY better!!!!! xoxox

[toforever]

hey, i cried too and am a man, but i dont care for lables really

[equus]

As I wrote on the bottom of the OP almost 6 months ago - I know I'm not alone.

It struck me as such an irony that loved ones being upset is read as a failure as a person. It never was his failure as a human being that made me cry, it was his success and the feeling he might fail just one huge fight and then not be here.

People are incredible, so absolutely precious and much more amazing than ancient works of art hung in galleries, hand crafted diamond necklaces, space shuttles or sports cars.