I was out of CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!

[Charlene]

To ALL of you who know what I am talking about…………….

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Because of the chaos growing up, and being married to a helpless and worthless man for 18 years who couldn’t wipe his children’s noses, I developed a character of control. I must have been told hundreds of time that I was a control freak, (mostly by that worthless human I was married to).

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In 1999 I moved to Vegas, and decided to relinquish control. After all, no matter how hard I tried my daughters were lost in drug addiction (meth), living in CA with their meth addicted father and after hearing for years that I was a control freak, I decided I did not want to be called a control freak again and made a great effort to accept that life and the ones I loved were out of my ability to “control�. So I did. During this time, I began to drink, go out-on-the town, dance, listen to music and have fun on the weekend. Now mind you, I did not drink daily, just socially.

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This morning, Day 8 and counting…… THANK YOU LORD

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I realized that when I decided not to be a “control freak� I began to use wine and beer as an avenue of relaxation after a hard days work, fun during the w/e and comfort during painful days when I was dwelling on my daughters, grandchildren and struggling family members and friends.

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In doing this I became a people pleaser, an enabler, a co-dependant and a “fixer of things�. I just wanted everyone to “be happy�. I worked and waited on family members, co-workers and friends, sent money to my children, paid for vacations and visits and became an easy mark for believing bullsh*t. I no longer openly expressed my opinions……….you’ll figure it out and I’ll help you must have come out of my mouth a thousand times. I was not going to be a “control freak� any longer. This took years to develop mind you.

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Well, let me tell you something, during the last week I can almost hear the churning of my family’s brains. I don’t think they knew what they were asking for. I am not that amenable; I’m ok and your ok people whom they have grown accustom to and learned how to manipulate and use.

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I speak my opinion (don’t ask if you don’t want to hear it) and expect accountability from all of my family, friends and co-workers. I’m not a disagreeable person mind you, I’m just not that slaphappy, people-pleasing, addiction enabling, I’m ok and your ok person whom THEY liked!

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In fact I can almost hear my family and friends thinking, gee Charlene why don’t you have a drink, I liked you better that way. When this happens, I just secretly smile, laugh to myself and think “tough sh*t, you better be careful what you ask for… Because you just may get it�.

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And they thought my having a bottle of wine or a 12 pack of beer quietly on the back porch sorting things out was such a BIG problem, well hang on cause I’m BAAAACK!!!!!!! I’m standing strong and sober and I am going to rock your little world!!!! (And I’m having fun doing it!).

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PS: My job: “Company Controller� too funny huh. I thought you’d like that one.

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Have a wonderful day, stand strong, sober and for goodness sake…. Don’t lose CONTROL!