Letter of an Addict (Second Letter to God)

[tryinhard]

Second Letter To God


Receiving all the blessings I have received,
All the times it was taken for granted
Never weighing the pleasure against the cost
All the promises to change so often chanted

I have spent my entire adult life
searching for a purpose and a meaning
While at this point and time
I would settle for a life not so demeaning

I mean, how long will I repeat the same things
expecting a different result
it’s the definition of insanity
to Jesus, it’s just an insult

to assume he placed me here
with no more purpose than this
to live life in a cloud
with everything imaginable to miss

is my ego overworking
to think he expects so much more of me
than to simply exist not live
through this life in misery

Misery from always being disappointed
ever thinking of the things I’ve missed
walking through his creation
all the directions known so quickly dismissed

I have told myself time and time again
that I am capable of so much more
that I truly love jesus
and that his creation I adore

but I don’t prove it
I mean actions speak louder than words
I have so many times seen the right path
but yet never went towards

Never went towards a sober life
taking in all that it has to give
never really doing my part
to not exist but truly live


live with thanks every day
for all that I have been given
for all the blessings received
all the misgivings being forgiven

I don’t deserve forgiveness
for to repent means to not repeat the sin
but going back on all those promises
to simply repeat the action again

For this I am truly sorry
maybe this time will be the time
that I truly succeed at living
the way the good lord intended in reason and rhyme

I used to say he didn’t exist
that it was just the imagination of fools
but as I experienced and seen so many blessings
I could never deny this the strongest of tools

For faith and hope of the everlasting
became, for me, a given
but even this did not bridge the gap
in what should be and what I was living

how could I continually disappoint him
always choosing the wrong thing to do
why couldn’t I just do the right thing
for once and see it through

it’s the tale of an addict
unable to make the right choices
I am not making excuses
just being honest and answering the voices

the voices in my head
that tell all the wrong ways to act
am I destined to fail
is my defeat a simple fact

I refuse to give into
this way of thinking
I refuse to react to every obstacle
by taking pills and/or drinking


it’s no life I’ve made for myself
but I have not lost all hope
with strength from above and good friends
I can find other ways to cope

I send this letter to god
because I wrote previously of my doubt
but even as said I didn’t believe in him
he believed in me and that’s what it’s all about..

Quote:
To give a background, i had wrote a poem basically denouncing god before and i felt a "part two" to the story, and before I started searching for a sober way of life. I hope i am not the only one which feels this way, this poem felt good to write and yet also hurt a little bit also. i hope you rather enjoyed it, or it stirred up feelings which accelerate your recovery...Please reply if it touches any part of you, i need feeback..And even more important than the feeback on the poem, would be feeback on my recovery.Thank you in advance, even if all you do is read it...I just thank god, and all of you, that today i can write about addiction instead of take an active part in my addictive lifestyle. This way of life was leading me fast to one of the big three: " jail, institution, or dead" most likely being the last at the amounts i was taking.. i have always believed that addiction was a life long condition, just not a life long way of life (active addiction, that is.)For me, it was rather recovery or funeral. If not now, then some day way too soon for my liking.. I used to say to my wife that" I wished i had never tried that first drug. It was as if my body knew that, being an addict, it would be much easier to abstain my entire life, than choose to put them down after using. I have always been an addict, and I always will..Thanks Again.. My personal email: is bosscruiser1@yahoo.com if you would rather "speak on a more direct forum, feel welcomed to use that. Please, no malitious computer attacks, I an struggling, financially right now trying to catch back up, and computer viruses, worms, etc... would keep me from being able to log on to this sight...Have a Blessed Day!

:spectacle