Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Olympia, Washington
I don't post on this forum that much but I do read alot .. I just wanted to share some writings over the past 5 or 6 yrs since I found this site.. In the beginning.. I had a back problem.. and was looking for a solution to save my marriage... I married a gal in AA.. and she relapsed, she had over 10 yrs when the lapsy poo came.. and from my own experience with a return to drinking after not drinking for 6 1/2 yrs.. the change for some is slow and for me, it was imediate.. so I was a bit miffed and more tolerant that she would pull out of her tailspin.. long story short.. we divorced and she is still out there.. and I know the pain of having recovery versus getting loaded while denying the severity of the problem.. all my bottoms have ended in complete failure...
So out that came new pain and a renewed vigor to get back in the goove.. 6 yrs have past.. there is life after relapse.. even if it isn't your own.. If you do get involved with another member in the program.. I encourage you to take in about a dozen Anon Meetings.. the addict/alcoholic in your life doesn't have to be in full blown addiction for you to qualify... but if you are like me.. you will wait until the pain gets so bad that drinking or using becomes an option.. it is not a pretty place to be.. I got lucky.. maybe not.. over half my life has been one meeting to the next.. I am on sponsor #5... and blessed with a wonderful home group..
An Addicts Prayer
I whispered, please help me, I can't go on
the road has been hard and far too long.
When this thing started it was all fun and games,
I had no idea, it was going to kick ass and take names.
And mind started to falter as I whispered my plea,
I'd lost all my hope, and wondered where could it be?
My body was hurting, for the only thing it knew,
And I looked at the spoon, it started talking too.
I'd run out of real reasons and places to hide,
my heart began aching there was no one at my side
How did I get here and falling so low,
Where was my dignity, where did it go?
And I remembered a promise from a long time ago,
That God could and would if you just let him know.
It was at one of those meetings, that first I heard the phrase,
But I was lost in this thing called addiction and its dark maze.
I gave up all hope of ever finding my way back,
And I looked at the needle ready to add one more track,
When something inside me began to twist and snap,
It was my lost soul leaving for that eternal nap.
And then at that moment, I heard something say,
You don't need to do this, you've got one more day
No one abandoned you, we were here all along,
waiting and wondering for you to hear the song.
That's when it happened and I got on my knees,
and I told him my sad story and begged him please.
I got up and knew, I was done lying, stealing and cheating,
and dragged my sorry ass back to a meeting.
With the world at my feet, and the sky up above,
there's a clamor of voices that are sending their love.
For if not for my angel, that watches over me,
I wonder and think, Where would I be?
So many times I wanted to hide and wanted to run,
But where would I go when my pain wasn't done?
And a quiet hour was nowhere to be found,
the voices I hear cry out in an angry sound.....
Just let me be alone with myself and I'll figure it out,
give me time and let my heart get ready to shout.
at the pain and the hurt that lingers on,
into the night and wakes me at dawn.....
And how can I see that the world at my feet,
was only God's plan and I couldn't retreat,
Into despair or the lost hope of a broken heart,
Then I found myself waiting but was ready to start.
Then I picked up the phone and began to dial,
with my thoughts wandering across my denial,
It was my angel that was waiting for me to call,
He was my sponsor, a man and that was all..
The Pain of Watching You
You gave me so much hope again
When you crawled up from despair,
there weren't too many answers left
for us to really share.
I've watched you fall so many times,
Into the broken glass, and this you began to call your story,
And I would pick you up and dust you off,
Only to watch you dig again in that horrible quarry.
I watched you change before my very eyes,
to something that I couldn't even recognize,
and everything you really valued, seemed to slip away,
you tossed it on the heap of rubbish with artful compromise.
So when you fell this time again I knew,
I gave up all my hope, believing this was all you'd ever do.
My heart decided it was close to done,
with the pain of watching you....
They say there is a bottom to this abominable affliction,
and where it is I can't begin to know, I haven't that certain clue
Someone told me there was no cure for thing called addiction,
but for now I'm done, with the pain of watching you.