Sober rambling...?!

[lunarise]

Yeah, so its late and I am up once again and I wanted to write but didn't know about what so I didn't know where to put it in the forums hahah So here goes....

hmm the life of a sober person...

I can say that I am consistently more happy right now than I have been in years. Its great! Im not saying I dont have my moments but for the most part I am a pretty positive person. I was that way before I started drinking so I am glad to get that aspect of my personality back.Sometimes I am actually astonished by how consistently grumpy some people are. People who no matter what is going on in their life..they are upset or really negative. I could never live like that. I would drive me crazy. Actually I was like that to a certain extent when I was drinking. Guess that explains the panic attack.

The panic attack...worst I have ever had. I cant believe sometimes when I think about it how bad it was. However I am SO grateful that my body finally sent me a message.."Wake the f@ck up lady!"...My psyche could not handle anymore of the internal dialogue not matching the actions, everyday, day in day out. In my head and heart I was screaming for release...release from keeping everything pent up....release from the stories I was telling myself....release of the guilt about drinking...release of the cycle, the pattern. I was SO sick of myself drinking. Yet everyday, knowing of course that I had other options, I would go against everything my heart and mind were telling me and drink anyway. So there I would sit...beer in hand..looking out on myself shaking my head internally and SCREAMING "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!" Ughhh so disgusted with myself at the time. Now typing this I dont feel disgusted by myself or my drinking I just feel sad about it. Sad that I abused myself that way, sad that I missed so much time.

When I say I am sad I abused myself, I do mean me but more than that I mean that which sustains me. Whatever force it is that keeps my heart beating, I feel like I have somehow tainted my relationship with it. "It" is "It" to me because I dont know exactly how I feel about beings/ energies/God etc. I guess I just feel like there is something out there, even if its just the rule of mother nature. I do feel that I have somehow stolen something from myself and this life force that sustains me. I guess I should apologize and make amends. How do you go about making amends that feel so huge. I feel like this runs so deep. I feel like "Im sorry" wont cut it, like I need to DO something to make up for it. Does that make sense? Has anyone else felt this way?

hmm Its late 232 am....

I just want to say thanks by the way, to everyone here who has ever said a kind word to anyone else here. This site has meant so much to me, :ghug

[24hrsAday]

excellent post VS.. yes.. amends.. on that topic.. i was told by a wise "oldtimer" in A.A. "staying sober is an amends in itself to god" keep on keepin on!