My Codie Life

[rivka]

Sometimes I wonder about it too hard
Thoughts as long as yards
with the angst in my heart

Telling me to wise up, see clearly
Anymore he rarely comes near me
But I care deeply and dearly
And truth is a fear, we

Avoid in denial, but go thru personal trial,
Making up reasons to hold on to the feelings a while

A thousand reasons why not to,
And not one to debate
Swear the desire is so strong
Its less distracting to hate

He's the wave at the shore
In and out with the tide
I'm the sand washing loose
He takes my will for a ride

I'm smarter and better and truer than that
I know better too
I've helped quite a few

So why am I swirling with my mind all a mess
I'd be better somehow
If my eyeballs were inward for now

I'm co-drawn for some reason
can't co-figure it out
Obsessing frustrating
Drowning in all my self doubt

Awareness is here
And I hope it will stay
Protect me from stupidity
Help me get thru the day

Just one night of sleep without
Wondering what if
he did one thing or another
Would it make a big diff?

But its not up to him
Its my own weird illusion
feeling fear and rejection
At the thought i would lose him

But the funny thing is
I never had him to lose
He doesnt have himself
There's nothing here to choose

If I had the last wish
I'd help both him and me
To start all over
Drama washed out to sea

Need to look beyond these walls
Find someone new to see
Who is waitin and ready
Just focused on me

Heard he lost his job in the wake of long rehab-ernation, and is upset
like a waking bear that is growing impatient

He must deal with the aftermath of life long bad decisions
Comforted and helped by sobers, sponsor and physicians

New existence at SoberLiving now with a watchful eye
But he doesn't want me to help
I still ask myself why

Cause I'm here but invisible to his new sober mind
His focus is narrow and forward, he no longer looks behind

Where I am sitting and waiting for him to turn around
And see me, as I say something full of love and profound

But he's deaf to my voice and blind to my heart
the lack of attention just tears me apart

Its caring and love, right?
Just in these desperate times
Co-needy
Co-wanty
Co-scary-- are these signs

I see how its co-different I'm no longer myself
I've taken my life and stuck it up in a box on a shelf
I labeled it "misc" nothing important in there
It was much more important to gear my mind to prepare

A plan to create my happily ever after
With a man whose only six weeks past his last toxic disaster

He has so little to offer, yet I want to have all I can
He has no home of his own, no job, no money, no long term plan

No security, and no fidelity
To offer that I can see
And no sobriety yet
let alone any love for me.

His father is deceased, he's estranged from his mother, has not resolved these things---not ready to love another

I know I know I know....my head has had enough...
My brain knows i need to move on....
but my heart just needs to catch up.

One foot in front of the other
One day at a time
Cant cure or control it
Read and acknowledge the signs

Let go of resentment and hurt
Know what detachment is about
Its time to take the box off the shelf
And let myself out.

[NeedingHelp7]

What a poem rivka.....It brought tears.

Huggs to you....we're getting better every day.

NH7

[Rella927]

beautiful! and yes I agree we are moving forward to a better life
for US! It is all about US now

[FreeBird09]

Wow, what a beautiful poem! Thank you for that.

[lostbutterfly]

Brilliant!

[crypticpoet777]

WOW....
excellent writing.