Healing and Recovery

[solotraveler]

Being a person that always wanted answers, I started reading some self help books. My quest for recovery from some emotional issues, as well as, my addiction led to a book called "Healing the Child Within" - by Charles L Whitfield M.D.

With all the book offered, there is one part I really liked and thought about - Couldn't remember it verbatium, so I found it at the local library. Was really surpised it was at the local library, but a lot of things are surprising me lately. My interpretation of it is - a cycle, or mind set that changed for the better.

hope y'all don't mind me sharing this.

1) I walk down a street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find my way out.

2) I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit.
My eyes are wide open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.


4) I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

[2stop]

I enjoyed reading that. It is so true that we are what we do. I've been struggling to get through today and this reminds me to stay the course and things will get better as long as I don't relapse and then wonder? Why do I even feel worse??

Thanks again.

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[solotraveler]

what made it so memorable for me is that there was a way out, once I chose the right path and started making better decisions; changing who I wanted as friends, where I hung out, living for myself, and not others. (not neglecting myself)

It's been a real up and down road over the years - I didn't fully realize til recently, and had to accept the fact, I couldn't do it alone - no matter how hard I tried.


Hugs right back at cha... A virtual high five too

[2stop]

I know what you mean by finally realizing you can't do it alone.

Hey, how's the weather in TX today?? Been up here a year this week, lived 30 mi south of Ft. Worth for 18 years. It is such an adjustment!!

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[Mikalyn]

Hi.
I am new here, but I have read alot of the posts. And I've posted a few today.
I took my husband to the airport yesterday and I've been home alone this whole time. I'm not by myself very often at all. Anyways, I am sitting here feeling so depressed. Having time to sit and think about things without any distractions isn't what I need right now. My mind is non-stop right now with negativity.
I am addicted to pain killers. I have stopped before swearing that I would never get like "this" again. And I'm thinking that if I just take some today that I will feel happy again. Well it's not working today. And I just feel scared and hopeless. I want to get off these so bad, but I am terrified of the withdrawals. I make sure I always have plenty so that it doesn't happen. I tell myself that I will wean myself off this time since I have enough to do so. And it seems the more I get, the more I take. And then when it looks like I'm running low I go online to "another" doctor and get more Vicodin or Norco. My husband knows what's going on and he can only do so much. He does hold them for me, but when he's gone (like this weekend..On Business) he has no choice but to leave them with me. If he only leaves me so much or hides them I will call him nonstop and tell him to let me know where they are. He takes them too, but not like me. I'm so scared that he will though. Cuz he never even used to take a tylenol. And now I introduced him to pain killers and he likes the feeling they give him. I feel awful about it. I'm headed down a very scary road if I don't watch it.

Another thing I want to say is I am so amazed at peoople who have kids and have to deal with the withdrawals. I, unfortunately do not have kids and if I did I can't imagine having to take care of them feeling those horrible effects. How do you cope??

Tammie,
I read some of your posts. Hang in there babe. I envy you for getting clean and being at the point where you are. When I got off the narcotics last time, I became very depressed for about 2 months. But, I made it through and was so proud of myself. Well, look at me now. Right back where I swore I'd never be. Please pray for me that I make it through and that I can get clean again.
Take Care!! MK

[2stop]

Dear MK,

I know how it is to give your husband the pills so you won't take so many then Wig out after he leaves. My husband stays gone all week and it is so hard. I became addicted very young to pain pills, I was ten and it is so hard now at 31 to deal with any reality besides what I knew on pills. Alcohol and speed has gotten me in trouble too, but my DOC is pain pills. I have lost so much from drugs.. I would(and still do) think often(all day) just a few pills will make me feel whole again. But they don't even work right when I take them. I am also detoxing from fentanyl patches and it is HELL. Today the withdrawals started again and I haven't used for 11 days. I will die or be insane if I use any more. And i am not exaggerating. Three years ago the doctors told my husband I was in end-stage narcotic addiction. I had sores all over my body, I would sit on the living room floor and hallucinate and I still refused to believe the pills had anything to do with it. I have to think now, How do I live with the pills and function, not how can I live without them, I asked myself for 20 yrs how could I live without my pills??? I was determined to find a way to make pills a "normal" part of my existence. NOw I ask myself, what have i done?? It's plenty scary and seemingly impossible but I am not alone on my journrey and I will have you in my thoughts and prayers.

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[Mikalyn]

I hear the fetanyl patches are hell to get off of. I've never had them and I never will because I know I will become addicted to them too. What a young age to become addicted to pain pills. I became addicted at 20 years old. I'm 33 now. I also had a problem with meth too. But definitely prefer narcotics over anything else.
I feel for you with what your going through. What your experiencing now is my biggest fear. I will have you in my thoughts and prayers as well!

My neighbor had just come over and we sat and talked for a couple hours so that was real nice. Kept me busy and kept my mind off my problems. But, as I sit there talking to her I think about how she doesn't have a clue with what I do and what I'm going through. She is an awesome person too. It's crazy how I can be so secretive and no one has a clue with what I'm thinking. I would be sick if she found out that I'm an addict. She seems to have everything together. I mean, she has her problems but she can handle them without drugs! How I envy her right now.

So, did you quit taking pills, etc. cold turkey? The only time I've gone cold turkey is when I just simply ran out of pills. If that happens again, this time I will just go to the E.R. and tell them everything. The reason I never say anything is because I don't want the doctors to quit prescribing me pain meds. It's pathetic! I want to get off them, but I don't want it to be where I can't get them prescribed to me. I suffer from endometriosis too, so they help tremendously with the pain, but I always take them when I'm not hurting too. So it doesn't matter...
Right now I'm wanting to take one and I know I will. I feel so tired right now and I know I can sleep without taking anything. That's how messed up I am (or feel).
Anyways, I guess I'll take it easy for awhile tonight. Hopefully a good movie will be on so I can keep my mind busy.

Have a wonderful evening.

Hugs to you and thanks for replying, it means so much!!! MK