In Love With An Addict

[classysista]

i posted this in another forum thought i would alsoi post here

JUST DRAWING EVERY WOMEN IN LOVE WITH AN ADDICT A PICTURE.. I FEELL YOUR SORROW AND I LIVE YOUR PAIN GOD BLESS.

TELLING MYSELF EACH TIME "THIS IS THE LAST TIME I AM TAKING HIM BACK, IF HE SMOKES ONE MORE TIME ITS OVER......

LOSSING SLEEP WONDERING WHAT HE IS REPLACING HIS 2AM HABIT WITH NOW THAT HE HAS STOPPED SMOKING

STARTING TO WORRY WHEN HE CALLS ME, IN A BAD MOOD I PRAY AND HOPE HE DOESNT USE THOSE STUPID DRUGS TO NUMB HIMSELF.....


WONDERING HOW LONG WILL IT BE THIS TIME BEFORE HE BREAKS MY HEART AND LIES AGAIN


WHEN HE IS WITH HIS "BUDDIES" THE SAME BUDDIES HE "USE TO" SMOKE WITH,, HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HANG OUT WITH THEM HONEY WHEN YOUR TRYING TO STAY CLEAN?

OF COURSE HE IS NOT GIVING THEM UP FOR ME... HE HAS KNOWN THEM ALL HIS LIFE...

THE HARDEST PART OF ALL ARE THE ENDLESS BROKEN PROMISES, TELLING ME THINGS ONLY IN THE MOMENT AND LATER ON CHANGING HIS MIND.....

AT THE end of the day i want to have hope like he wont be as silly to do that again he loves Me too much

it happens.... he has fallen but he doesnt tell me right away... because i already told him he will lose me....

sooo he holds on to me we share a fairy tale lie,, my bf clean and sober.. buying me gifts, even opening the car door for....

when my guard is DOWN THE TRUTH SNEAKKS in... i find out.... i am hurt sad and angry i break up with him FOR GOOD THIS TIME

only a few wks and then HERE I AM AGAIN.. I CANT HELP BUT ASK MYSELF WHO IS THE ADDICT HERE

[henryrhodes3]

I lost my first wife to this thing. ITs not your fault . He probably does love you but you have to protect yourself. I am glad my X let me go for her sake. I still love her though. Always will.

[meggymegos]

I feel your pain Classy Sista. My addict is my ex fiance. Reading your post felt like i was reading my own thoughts. I'm in the same boat you are in. My ex is in rehab for the 5th time in 2 1/2 years. We were together for 2 years and 2 months. But i still feel addicted to him. Even though we are officially broken up..I still talk to him at least every other day. We still tell each other we love each other. I know the chances of him staying clean are slim..but I still have this hope deep down that eventually he will change and maybe, just MAYBE we can have a life together again and get married like we wanted. So i know how you feel. send me a message anytime if you need to talk.

[DeathnAddiction]

Hi,
It's crazy how many thoughts have gone through my head since I received the news at 10:30 a.m. on Feb. 29, 2008 that my boyfriend decided to take his own life. This human being, whom I loved, had suffered with drug addiction, depression, PTSD, ADHA, etc. etc. and as much as everyone thought that one day he might die, most probable cause, DRUGS, he decided to take his life with a shotgun wound through his head??? I was flying out to spend the weekend with him to celebrate his birthday which I missed due to work. I can't seem to wrap my thoughts around so many things. Why was I with someone like this in the first place? Why did I think I could save him? We said "love conquers all". All his family seems to think that I offered him hope, love, a way of sober living, but I feel like I failed him, and all of his family's wishes. Why you may ask? Well, we fought. I would catch him in lies. I began to lose trust in everything he told me & I was MEAN. All I can think about is some of the mean words that came out of my mouth, but I was just hoping it would open his eyes. Was I a trigger? Was I just another stressor he had to worry about in his life amid his trying to stay clean? Was I just another piece of the puzzle that he had to worry about, that was cruel to him sometimes, that he had to make up more lies to hide what he was doing with his life? His Dr. stated that she was treating him as a suicidal person. I had no idea there was a gun in the house. Somehow he had a way of blowing off his addiction problems with a 1000 other stories to stray a persons mind from the real issues at hand. I am finding out more & more how much he lied to me. I don't know if it was that drugs had really taken over his mind? I am hurt, sad, ashamed for things I have said. He tied everyone's hands. I wasn't allowed to talk to his friends, family, Dr., etc., and he told everyone else the same thing. What really sucks though is that he tried with what I believed all his heart to make me feel loved. He saved whatever $'s he could to pay for me & show me a good time when I would visit him. I am haunted though thinking of the last time I visited him & he asked "why was I so mean? Was I just ******* with him"
We have been together since 2005, long distance for about 18 months, with visits every month. I told him I would not move out there until he had a place, job, something to do with himself everyday. He just kept making the wrong decisions. He obviously was not mentally able to handle the kind of relationship I thought?? I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF. God, please know that I loved him.

[DESIGNER]

I began to lose trust in everything he told me & I was MEAN. All I can think about is some of the mean words that came out of my mouth, but I was just hoping it would open his eyes

I have never been in this part of the forum and I just read your words and I related. I am so sorry for what happened but please do not blame yourself for the words that you spoke. I also beat myself up everyday when I think about all the mean things that I said to the xabf of 3 weeks. I thought like you that It would open their eyes. How could we know what it would really do? You spoke those words because that person was hurting you time and time again and you had no training on how to act. Just please don't beat yourself up........I will keep you in my prayers.

[CBrown]

"I told him I would not move out there until he had a place, job, something to do with himself everyday."

DeathNAddiction, my XAF did the same. It was easier for him to go back to a former girlfriend who didn't care if he kept his word, who didn't mind having a one-sided relationship. I wouldn't marry him because he wouldn't keep his word, cheated on me, didn't respect me. She married him; God help them both.

Don't blame yourself for not living with a man who is dishonest. Forgive yourself for the mean things you said. I've done it too with loved ones and I regret it every day. Turn it over to God and begin a new day and life.

ClassySista, I lived your life on a part-time basis. It is hell on earth. God bless and take care of you.

[tangerine13]

This song always gives me inspiration....I know some in recovery dont like to use the word FINE (F***** up, insecure, neurotic,emotional) its just a song that gives me hope!
tangerine13



Im trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
And the best thing youve ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
Its only life after all
Yeah

Well darkness has a hunger thats insatiable
And lightness has a call thats hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
Im crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

And I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a b-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
Got my paper and I was free

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
And I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as Id been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
We look to the children, we drink from the fountains
Yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

[brentsgirl]

hey classysista.......

I feel your pain. My live in boyfriend and I went thru all of the same things, that is until he left me to get clean. Even after I stuck by him during and after all the days of him off smoking in some scumbag apartments in the ghetto, after him stealing my car to go smoke crack, after sitting up with his 12 year old daughter worried to death about him while he was out. All of his promises were broken, all the times he said he could do it alone as long as I stood by him. He would have a good run for a few weeks, then the littlest thing would send him off. I walked on eggshells. I hated Fridays (payday). But I hate all of this more. I know he needs to focus on him, on his recovery and feels that he has hurt me so much already and not being able to do anything but focus on that would just hurt me more (he thinks). But it hurts to be the one left behind. It hurts that I cannot accompany him on this road to recovery. I only joined this site yesterday (he only moved out last weekend) but already, I have gained some insight. My suggestion is read others posts, read all the responses and find a al-anon/nar-anon meeting in your area and GO!!! Prayer for him and for yourself.....for the strength to help yourself heal. Good luck!

[maloneybaloney]

i am going through this rite now and it is constant like they say jails institutions and death my girlfriend keeps running off and i know she is doing drugs and she keeps going to jail it is the 2nd time she got arrested in 2 months this is rediculous i live in san antonio and she live in dallas i am confused i dont know what to do how do i get her to realize that i REALLY DO LOVE HER AND SHE DOSENT NEED DRUGS ALL SHE NEEDS IS ME ? last month she ran off and i kept calling her she diddnt answer and then i finally got a call from her phone it was some other girl she told me sarah(my girlfriend) DIDDNT WANT TO TALK TO ME I ASKED WHO IT WAS SHE SAID it is sarahs chick i dont understand this why wouldnt she have told me before i have not talked to sarah since before that i do not know if she even knows that i know all of this i talk to ger mom about everyday ... i cant use the 12 steps she has been to rehab several times and i am afraid if i tried that she would just push me away farther thinkin i was giving her drama ... i love this girl she is an addict what do i do ... PEOPLE PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE HELP ME

[missceevee1972]

Classysistah-

I felt like I was reading an entry torn out of my own journal. WOW.

I feel your pain. Oh how I do. I am living this life right now and it is an excrutiating experience.

I left my ex in May and we have had on again- off again relations(AKA "Ex Sex" that we hoped would lead us back to the love we once had.) we indeed DO love eachother. Deeply. But I can not turn off my feelings long enough to allow time to pass for me to let it heal and move on.

I KNOW I can't change him but man I keep hoping and trying and praying.

I am in a 12 step Christ -based recovery group (Celebrate Recovery) and it is helpful, but I still hold on to the hope.

I hope to find people like me out here to vent to and with and grow with one another and have support thru the process.

~in tears,
Missceevee1972

[alicat47]

WOW, a page from my book too, do you keep loving him and trying to be supportive, do you give up and go on with you life, hurting, lonely, with heartache, does hope seem to be hopeless, or does heart keep telling you keep trying your love is worth it....those are my dilemmas that I am dealing with....my bf is not only an alcoholic but a prescription drug(oxycocet)addiction, who has tried to kill himself twice, I think I am afraid of being deathaddiction thats why I keep trying to make this work, my heart goes out to you, cause my heart is with you.

[babybanana17]

the onl;y thing you can do is put her in rehab and hope she doesn't push you away....

[krmarine]

He's the softest, gentle man I've ever been with. No one has ever held me, kissed me, looked at me or loved me the way I think that he loves me. But, is it a lie just like when he says he will not use again? What is the truth in this relationship. I am having a hard time distinguishing- with one exception: that he IS going to use. I stay walking on egg shells wondering what might set him off today. So, now even working has become difficult for me. Will he answer when I call? It's a sure sign he's using if he does not answer. When will he return when he does leave? Is he dead? Has someone killed him for stealing because he has no money? Why did he take my belongings that was so precious to give to someone who has NO respect or knowledge of their importance for SO little. He's sick. But do I keep loving him through this some how? Can I make any difference to help him? He calls: "baby, come get me they are after me! If you don't hear me talking then call 911 because they have killed me. I think they are going to kill me. They are at the window." OR ""baby, come get me, I ran out of gas and someone is after me." So, I go, never knowing what he says is real or not. What do I do. I am only 40 years old. I am not an ugly person. My child is grown and gone on his own. I don't deserve that. BUT, damn if I am not in love with an addict and do not know what to do for myself or him. He has an illness, like cancer that I cannot take from him. So, what do I do. Leave these loving arms. He says he can't live without me yet he's smoking me away. Please help me to understand this because he certainly can't and I just do not know what to do or really how to live without him. I love him and believe that he truly loves me- sounds insane but it's my reality right now and I need help.

[jrkelly]

Being a recovering addict myself I read these posts to help me to understand the pain and suffering my addiction caused my loved ones. It caused enough damage to require my loved ones to find help with their own sickness, co-dependency, and relationship issues. I had my share of enablers who helped me to stay sick a lot longer than was necessary. Blinded by their own misconceptions of love, they prevented me from hitting my rock bottom. They did not know how to detach with love because of their own "neediness" and co-dependency issues. I played on that again and again with my puppy dog eyes, my emotional apologies and phony remorse. I was using them and they were using me. They felt all of the pain I was causing while I just went and used to not feel the pain. The addict is very very sick and it is easy for our loved ones to focus on that instead of looking at their own sickness and avoid examining their own attraction to sick, needy, dependent people. When I was using, the only love I knew was for my drug. All the rest was phony and manipulative. As long as I was able to find a sick woman to take care of me I continued lying, stealing, and using. And I put them all in grave danger calling them to "rescue" me at all hours of the night. That is not "love". It is sickness and co-dependency. I would suggest al-anon or co-dependency counseling for anyone with a using addict in their life. However, just like addiction....unless you have hit rock bottom yourself, you will not seek or accept the help offered. I hope this has been helpful. You have my compassion and empathy, but you also have the cold hard reality. I pray that you will find the help you need, as well as the addict in your life.

[hepaintshersky]

being in love with a heroin addict is pretty much just like slamming your head into a brick wall repeatedly. it feels like, anyway. i keep telling myself, i'm only 20.. why did i choose him? after i found out what he does, why did i continue to spend time with him, and fall in love with him a short time after? do i really love him, or just how he is when he's high? when he's high, he is so sweet and affectionate. the only time i have ever seen him sober is when he is going through withdrawls. i feel like i don't know the real him, which makes me question why i love a dope addict? is it just because i want to feel needed, because i want to help him? i can't help but think that if i just keep trying, even though i walk out every other week, i always come back. it's always me apologizing. he doesn't want me going out and having fun, something everyone does when they're 20. but i feel like with him i'm just wasting my youth. but, i know that if he would just GET CLEAN then everything would be perfect. why is it so hard to get clean? he has kicked a prior crack habit, kicked a cocaine habit, beat his alcohol dependency. why heroin? and why me? i feel like even though i would never consider touching the stuff, that in controls my life just as much as it does his. i wish his parents and grandparents would be more stern with him. all they do is feed his addiction. he says he wants to quit, but why isn't he? i can understand that it's hard, but what i can't understand is why someone wants to live this way? why do i want to live this way? i love him, and no matter how much he blames me for everything, no matter how much i cry and feel hopeless, i will still love him and be with him. i'm afraid to leave him, afraid that he won't open his eyes. he thinks that i treat him like crap. he says that i make him feel like nothing. i am there for him through everything, after he gets screwed over by his "friends," when he goes through withdrawls, when he is sitting there nodding and all i wish is that he would just WAKE UP and spend time with me. if we're lucky enough to go to dinner, he nods at the restaurant. he has never bought me flowers, jewelry, anything. which, i don't NEED, but it would be such a wonderful gesture to know he cares if he did something small like send me flowers at work. my parents don't know, and my friends don't understand. it's so hard not having anyone to talk to except him, but all we do is fight. he doesn't know how tough it is to be in love with an addict. i'm afraid i'll lose him, afraid of the temper he will get if i speak my mind. i try to just be there for him, offer him advice or things he 'should' do. none of it matters. do i? maybe i'm sick myself, maybe i want someone just as messed up as i am. but atleast i can function daily without depending on a substance that will kill me. atleast i have a full-time job, a car, and a family who loves me. does he really love me? he never asks for money, or rides, doesn't really ask much of me so why do i still feel like he's using me? am i just a dumb girl who can't open her eyes herself? so many questions in my head and no answers. why can't he just go to rehab? i have given him the decision of me or the drugs. he doesn't choose either, but instead manipulates me into being with him still. sometimes he doesn't even have to say anything, and i am right back with him the next day because i miss him and still have hope for him. he doesn't understand he isn't going to find someone like me who cares and loves him the way i do, unless she is a junkie herself. i can't keep leaving him, we both know it's not for good, but it's the only way i can think of to try to open his eyes. but if i did leave him for good, would it even matter? would he come chasing back after me promising to get help? do i mean as much to him as he does to me? i don't try to be mean to him, it just happens sometimes because i am so overwhelmed with dealing with this. he doesn't see how it effects other people in his life. how is he going to change when most of his friends do the same thing? i'm tired of being around people twice my age, gross people, who rob and steal and lie, people who actually kill others over drugs and money. that isn't a way for a young woman to live, but yet i can't come to terms. what am i supposed to do? i have to hide my money in my own boyfriend's apartment when his friends are over. i don't feel safe. and all of this is just to be with him. he doesn't get what i go through, just to be with him. it's a living hell. and i'm so sorry that i'm mean sometimes, i'm sorry that i make him feel like nothing, or is he only saying that to get me to feel sorry for him? i don't want him to feel worthless though. he isn't. that is why i fell in love with him, because i believe there is much more to him than the drug. but is there, really?...