In Love With An Addict

[classysista]

i posted this in another forum thought i would alsoi post here

JUST DRAWING EVERY WOMEN IN LOVE WITH AN ADDICT A PICTURE.. I FEELL YOUR SORROW AND I LIVE YOUR PAIN GOD BLESS.

TELLING MYSELF EACH TIME "THIS IS THE LAST TIME I AM TAKING HIM BACK, IF HE SMOKES ONE MORE TIME ITS OVER......

LOSSING SLEEP WONDERING WHAT HE IS REPLACING HIS 2AM HABIT WITH NOW THAT HE HAS STOPPED SMOKING

STARTING TO WORRY WHEN HE CALLS ME, IN A BAD MOOD I PRAY AND HOPE HE DOESNT USE THOSE STUPID DRUGS TO NUMB HIMSELF.....


WONDERING HOW LONG WILL IT BE THIS TIME BEFORE HE BREAKS MY HEART AND LIES AGAIN


WHEN HE IS WITH HIS "BUDDIES" THE SAME BUDDIES HE "USE TO" SMOKE WITH,, HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HANG OUT WITH THEM HONEY WHEN YOUR TRYING TO STAY CLEAN?

OF COURSE HE IS NOT GIVING THEM UP FOR ME... HE HAS KNOWN THEM ALL HIS LIFE...

THE HARDEST PART OF ALL ARE THE ENDLESS BROKEN PROMISES, TELLING ME THINGS ONLY IN THE MOMENT AND LATER ON CHANGING HIS MIND.....

AT THE end of the day i want to have hope like he wont be as silly to do that again he loves Me too much

it happens.... he has fallen but he doesnt tell me right away... because i already told him he will lose me....

sooo he holds on to me we share a fairy tale lie,, my bf clean and sober.. buying me gifts, even opening the car door for....

when my guard is DOWN THE TRUTH SNEAKKS in... i find out.... i am hurt sad and angry i break up with him FOR GOOD THIS TIME

only a few wks and then HERE I AM AGAIN.. I CANT HELP BUT ASK MYSELF WHO IS THE ADDICT HERE

[henryrhodes3]

I lost my first wife to this thing. ITs not your fault . He probably does love you but you have to protect yourself. I am glad my X let me go for her sake. I still love her though. Always will.

[meggymegos]

I feel your pain Classy Sista. My addict is my ex fiance. Reading your post felt like i was reading my own thoughts. I'm in the same boat you are in. My ex is in rehab for the 5th time in 2 1/2 years. We were together for 2 years and 2 months. But i still feel addicted to him. Even though we are officially broken up..I still talk to him at least every other day. We still tell each other we love each other. I know the chances of him staying clean are slim..but I still have this hope deep down that eventually he will change and maybe, just MAYBE we can have a life together again and get married like we wanted. So i know how you feel. send me a message anytime if you need to talk.

[DeathnAddiction]

Hi,
It's crazy how many thoughts have gone through my head since I received the news at 10:30 a.m. on Feb. 29, 2008 that my boyfriend decided to take his own life. This human being, whom I loved, had suffered with drug addiction, depression, PTSD, ADHA, etc. etc. and as much as everyone thought that one day he might die, most probable cause, DRUGS, he decided to take his life with a shotgun wound through his head??? I was flying out to spend the weekend with him to celebrate his birthday which I missed due to work. I can't seem to wrap my thoughts around so many things. Why was I with someone like this in the first place? Why did I think I could save him? We said "love conquers all". All his family seems to think that I offered him hope, love, a way of sober living, but I feel like I failed him, and all of his family's wishes. Why you may ask? Well, we fought. I would catch him in lies. I began to lose trust in everything he told me & I was MEAN. All I can think about is some of the mean words that came out of my mouth, but I was just hoping it would open his eyes. Was I a trigger? Was I just another stressor he had to worry about in his life amid his trying to stay clean? Was I just another piece of the puzzle that he had to worry about, that was cruel to him sometimes, that he had to make up more lies to hide what he was doing with his life? His Dr. stated that she was treating him as a suicidal person. I had no idea there was a gun in the house. Somehow he had a way of blowing off his addiction problems with a 1000 other stories to stray a persons mind from the real issues at hand. I am finding out more & more how much he lied to me. I don't know if it was that drugs had really taken over his mind? I am hurt, sad, ashamed for things I have said. He tied everyone's hands. I wasn't allowed to talk to his friends, family, Dr., etc., and he told everyone else the same thing. What really sucks though is that he tried with what I believed all his heart to make me feel loved. He saved whatever $'s he could to pay for me & show me a good time when I would visit him. I am haunted though thinking of the last time I visited him & he asked "why was I so mean? Was I just ******* with him"
We have been together since 2005, long distance for about 18 months, with visits every month. I told him I would not move out there until he had a place, job, something to do with himself everyday. He just kept making the wrong decisions. He obviously was not mentally able to handle the kind of relationship I thought?? I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF. God, please know that I loved him.

[DESIGNER]

I began to lose trust in everything he told me & I was MEAN. All I can think about is some of the mean words that came out of my mouth, but I was just hoping it would open his eyes

I have never been in this part of the forum and I just read your words and I related. I am so sorry for what happened but please do not blame yourself for the words that you spoke. I also beat myself up everyday when I think about all the mean things that I said to the xabf of 3 weeks. I thought like you that It would open their eyes. How could we know what it would really do? You spoke those words because that person was hurting you time and time again and you had no training on how to act. Just please don't beat yourself up........I will keep you in my prayers.

[CBrown]

"I told him I would not move out there until he had a place, job, something to do with himself everyday."

DeathNAddiction, my XAF did the same. It was easier for him to go back to a former girlfriend who didn't care if he kept his word, who didn't mind having a one-sided relationship. I wouldn't marry him because he wouldn't keep his word, cheated on me, didn't respect me. She married him; God help them both.

Don't blame yourself for not living with a man who is dishonest. Forgive yourself for the mean things you said. I've done it too with loved ones and I regret it every day. Turn it over to God and begin a new day and life.

ClassySista, I lived your life on a part-time basis. It is hell on earth. God bless and take care of you.

[tangerine13]

This song always gives me inspiration....I know some in recovery dont like to use the word FINE (F***** up, insecure, neurotic,emotional) its just a song that gives me hope!
tangerine13



Im trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
And the best thing youve ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
Its only life after all
Yeah

Well darkness has a hunger thats insatiable
And lightness has a call thats hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
Im crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

And I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a b-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
Got my paper and I was free

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
And I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as Id been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
We look to the children, we drink from the fountains
Yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

[brentsgirl]

hey classysista.......

I feel your pain. My live in boyfriend and I went thru all of the same things, that is until he left me to get clean. Even after I stuck by him during and after all the days of him off smoking in some scumbag apartments in the ghetto, after him stealing my car to go smoke crack, after sitting up with his 12 year old daughter worried to death about him while he was out. All of his promises were broken, all the times he said he could do it alone as long as I stood by him. He would have a good run for a few weeks, then the littlest thing would send him off. I walked on eggshells. I hated Fridays (payday). But I hate all of this more. I know he needs to focus on him, on his recovery and feels that he has hurt me so much already and not being able to do anything but focus on that would just hurt me more (he thinks). But it hurts to be the one left behind. It hurts that I cannot accompany him on this road to recovery. I only joined this site yesterday (he only moved out last weekend) but already, I have gained some insight. My suggestion is read others posts, read all the responses and find a al-anon/nar-anon meeting in your area and GO!!! Prayer for him and for yourself.....for the strength to help yourself heal. Good luck!

[maloneybaloney]

i am going through this rite now and it is constant like they say jails institutions and death my girlfriend keeps running off and i know she is doing drugs and she keeps going to jail it is the 2nd time she got arrested in 2 months this is rediculous i live in san antonio and she live in dallas i am confused i dont know what to do how do i get her to realize that i REALLY DO LOVE HER AND SHE DOSENT NEED DRUGS ALL SHE NEEDS IS ME ? last month she ran off and i kept calling her she diddnt answer and then i finally got a call from her phone it was some other girl she told me sarah(my girlfriend) DIDDNT WANT TO TALK TO ME I ASKED WHO IT WAS SHE SAID it is sarahs chick i dont understand this why wouldnt she have told me before i have not talked to sarah since before that i do not know if she even knows that i know all of this i talk to ger mom about everyday ... i cant use the 12 steps she has been to rehab several times and i am afraid if i tried that she would just push me away farther thinkin i was giving her drama ... i love this girl she is an addict what do i do ... PEOPLE PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE HELP ME