left behind - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

bobsgirl · 05-13-2006, 05:21 PM

Hi, I am new to this but here goes....My father was an addict. He died of an overdose on January 15. I guess he always had issues with addictions but I never realized it untill I was an adult. He always drank or took percocet etc, but at 52 years old he started using heroine and that was one thing he could not stop. I tried everything I thought was right to help him (I am an RN) I tried detoxing him at home, methadone, rehab, half-way houses and counseling, and I tried to support him emotionally as best I could. After 3 years of him living in my home and going through his entire 401K, we had one last fight and he moved out . He wound up in a half-way house. He overdosed there. Now he is gone forever and 4 months later I still cannot believe he is not here anymore. I feel like I failed and I cannot forgive myself or stop crying. This is not the way I ever would have expected to loose my dad. I miss him so much... I don't know who to talk to. I feel like people look down upon him because he was an addict and they didn't even know him. There was a whole lot more to him. He had a good job with a lot of responsibility and he was always there for me when I needed him. I don't know how to let go and go on with my life from this point. It would be good to talk to anyone who can understand a little of what I am going through.

Thanks

bobsgirl (bob is my dad)

deedee · 05-13-2006, 06:34 PM

(((Bobsgirl)))

I'm so sorry you lost your father this way, but I want to say you are NOT responsible. You loved him and did your best by him, but sadly, we cannot save them no matter how much we want to. There are people who would judge an addict, but they have not walked in our shoes and seen the devastation of addiction. My older son was an alcoholic, my younger son on heroin and there are few people who would understand in my "real" world.

You have come to a good place here - people do understand and I hope you keep talking about your loss and find healing. Four months is so raw ... my heart is with you.

hugs and prayers,

deedee

Hope · 05-13-2006, 06:48 PM

(((Bobsgirl))) My heart goes out to you. The only person who can save an addict is the addicts themselves. There is nothing that you could have done to save him.

We are here for you!! You have a place you can turn to for healing and support.

Love,
Cheryl

cwohio · 05-13-2006, 09:53 PM

((bobsgirl)) the above posts say it all. we cannot "save" the addicts - only they can choose to get help or die from the disease. i lost my husband (an alcoholic) 8 months ago and i have felt all the feelings you are going thru. post her and get it out - crying is cleansing. we're here for you!

BigSis · 05-13-2006, 11:58 PM

Bobsgirl... it's my kids who are the primary addicts I love, and what you have experienced has always been my biggest fear.

Alanon has helped me understand that if there was ANYthing I could do to stop addiction.... I would be the richest person in the world. There are incredible numbers of people working on different methods, drugs, plans and ideas for stopping addiction... you will know if any of them ever work, because people will be shouting it from the Mountain tops!

I can't cause addiction
I can't control addiction
I can't cure addiction

The 3Cs from Alanon. This might be a good time to give some Alanon meetings a try... you ARE still be affected by the addiction. I learn a lot there, and folks at my meetings understand me the way NO one else ever has.

((((Bobsgirl))))

jcade · 05-14-2006, 09:02 AM

Forgive yourself child!
You didn't kill your Daddy!
D*m* the dope! It took him .............
I don't know anyone who would give anyone a 3 year rehab like you did for your dad!
You did all and more than most could have possibly of done.

debmar · 05-15-2006, 03:54 AM

Bobsgirl,
I lost my husband from a cocaine overdose at 41 after ten years of sobriety on his own, right after cwohio lost her husband. First I want to say that most people don't understand the addict or addiction, but your here in our world now, and our world is the majority. I spent tonight taking myself to hell and back, and we have alot in common because i did everything, but you topped me, your an rn so you really had alot to work with. I went just on love, and us family memebers who's loved ones use at home is alot different than some who there addict leaves the house to use, I watched him day and and day out deteriorate, his mind be stripped, I still have some humor left in me, most times his clothes stripped running around the house , but when he died at that very moment is when I learned I was'nt meant to save him, the Lord knows bobsgirl, WE TRIED EVERYTHING, they love us for that, my husband told me without me he would'nt have lived that long. Even knowing I was'nt meant to save him, I would do it all over and exactly the same......even though......I could'nt save him. I think of it now they suffered in pain with a disease and guess what? GOD SAVED THEM from the grips of the demon drugs. The day my husband passed it was'nt the way I wanted it to be either, trust me, we can't change it, your reality will come and it will go but I'm living proof reading tonight what I wrote about that day, I listen to the 911 tape with him dying on there, I watched the paramedics not save him, his last words on the tape were OH, OH, OH like when your in excruciating pain, I torture myself with that as I did some today but I'm back here in the saddle again, posting my pain. Sweetie you were spared what I will never ever never forget in my mind like Tivo. In the words of my husbands' godchild, Marty was a solider in a war, and he fought a good fight, your dad and all others are the same. God Bless, debbie

bobsgirl · 05-20-2006, 07:13 AM

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and support. It really helps to have others hear me and understand how deep my wounds are. I feel like I tried so hard to help him and it was all a big useless effort. I never understood how strong addiction is untill my father moved in with me and I saw my big, strong father, curled up in a ball crying and shaking on the couch. Now I feel I was so helpless and small compared to something so HUGE, and I just miss him so much, my heart never stops aching. I just wish I could know that he is at peace and no longer in pain. I wish somehow, he could let me know he is ok. But I guess we all wish that. Also, there is no way to know if he accidently overdosed or if it was intentional. I hope to god he didn't feel so alone that he intentionally took his own life. These thoughts go through my head every day since January 15. It feels like I have opened the flood gates now that I have someone to talk to who understands. And Debmar, my heart goes out to you, I am so sorry you had to be there to see your husband go. I do thank god I did not have to see it or find him.. I think for some reason I was spared the experience of finding him cold and dead in my basement. I think god knew that I could not handle that. I am so sorry you had to experience that. I was driving on the highway when I got the call from my 83 year old grandmother, telling me he was found dead in his bed at the half-way house he was in. I remember I started to scream, somehow I got home, I don;t remember driving there. Then I had to call my sister and brother, who are also both dealing with their own version of hell. My sister pulled away from my dad because she was trying to protect her own sanity, now she cannot forgive herself for not being there for him. I think I will tell her about this site, also.
I thank you all so much for giving me a place to go, noone else can truly undertand this unless they have been there, The anger and sadness and complicated emotions run so deep. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

love,
bobsgirl

best · 05-20-2006, 08:10 AM

You go above and beyond.

You give your best.

You do all that you know how to do and being a nurse, you would know much.

You don't need to forgive yourself because there is nothing that needs to be forgiven...well ok there is something.

Forgive yourself for blaming yourself.

I can't cause addiction and niether can you.
I can't control addiction and niether can you.
I can't cure addiction and niether can you.

Being a nurse you would know that the only time you can help someone is when they ask for it. A broken arm at home and they never come in to be seen... You can't provide because they are not willing.
Addictions and the adict wanting help would be the same. It needs be their choice.
I can't cause addiction and niether can you.
I can't control addiction and niether can you.
I can't cure addiction and niether can you.

Only the addict can make the choice to stop.

Sorry for your loss.
Please stop blaming yourself.

jcade · 05-20-2006, 08:17 AM

Sounds like so many I know Bobsgirl! Sounds like your Dad had issues with drug abuse from before you were born. And for that I am sorry. I cannot tell you how lucky we are to have this venue of support. wheras our fathers did not;or would not admit they had a problem until it was to late.

Just remember your not alone and we will always be here for you!

John

05-13-2006, 05:21 PM	#1 (permalink)
bobsgirl Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Kenilworth nj Posts: 3	left behind Hi, I am new to this but here goes....My father was an addict. He died of an overdose on January 15. I guess he always had issues with addictions but I never realized it untill I was an adult. He always drank or took percocet etc, but at 52 years old he started using heroine and that was one thing he could not stop. I tried everything I thought was right to help him (I am an RN) I tried detoxing him at home, methadone, rehab, half-way houses and counseling, and I tried to support him emotionally as best I could. After 3 years of him living in my home and going through his entire 401K, we had one last fight and he moved out . He wound up in a half-way house. He overdosed there. Now he is gone forever and 4 months later I still cannot believe he is not here anymore. I feel like I failed and I cannot forgive myself or stop crying. This is not the way I ever would have expected to loose my dad. I miss him so much... I don't know who to talk to. I feel like people look down upon him because he was an addict and they didn't even know him. There was a whole lot more to him. He had a good job with a lot of responsibility and he was always there for me when I needed him. I don't know how to let go and go on with my life from this point. It would be good to talk to anyone who can understand a little of what I am going through. Thanks bobsgirl (bob is my dad)

05-13-2006, 06:34 PM	#2 (permalink)
deedee Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Faith~Hope~Love Posts: 933	(((Bobsgirl))) I'm so sorry you lost your father this way, but I want to say you are NOT responsible. You loved him and did your best by him, but sadly, we cannot save them no matter how much we want to. There are people who would judge an addict, but they have not walked in our shoes and seen the devastation of addiction. My older son was an alcoholic, my younger son on heroin and there are few people who would understand in my "real" world. You have come to a good place here - people do understand and I hope you keep talking about your loss and find healing. Four months is so raw ... my heart is with you. hugs and prayers, deedee __________________ ~ While the light lasts I shall remember and in the darkness I shall not forget ~

05-13-2006, 09:53 PM	#4 (permalink)
cwohio Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Litterbox City Posts: 6,142	((bobsgirl)) the above posts say it all. we cannot "save" the addicts - only they can choose to get help or die from the disease. i lost my husband (an alcoholic) 8 months ago and i have felt all the feelings you are going thru. post her and get it out - crying is cleansing. we're here for you! __________________ *Learn to write your hurts in sand. Learn to carve your blessings in stone! - Unknown*

05-13-2006, 11:58 PM	#5 (permalink)
BigSis On a tear Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Volcano Country! Posts: 3,240	Bobsgirl... it's my kids who are the primary addicts I love, and what you have experienced has always been my biggest fear. Alanon has helped me understand that if there was ANYthing I could do to stop addiction.... I would be the richest person in the world. There are incredible numbers of people working on different methods, drugs, plans and ideas for stopping addiction... you will know if any of them ever work, because people will be shouting it from the Mountain tops! I can't cause addiction I can't control addiction I can't cure addiction The 3Cs from Alanon. This might be a good time to give some Alanon meetings a try... you ARE still be affected by the addiction. I learn a lot there, and folks at my meetings understand me the way NO one else ever has. ((((Bobsgirl)))) __________________ No matter how spoiled the past may be, our future is spotless.... BigSis

05-14-2006, 09:02 AM	#6 (permalink)
jcade Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Down South Posts: 60	Forgive yourself child! You didn't kill your Daddy! Dm the dope! It took him ............. I don't know anyone who would give anyone a 3 year rehab like you did for your dad! You did all and more than most could have possibly of done. __________________ Someone once asked me was I from the North or the South? I said I don't know I am Bi-Polar

05-13-2006, 06:48 PM	#3 (permalink)
Hope Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 3,300	(((Bobsgirl))) My heart goes out to you. The only person who can save an addict is the addicts themselves. There is nothing that you could have done to save him. We are here for you!! You have a place you can turn to for healing and support. Love, Cheryl

05-15-2006, 03:54 AM	#7 (permalink)
debmar debbleslosthermarbles Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: ChicagoBurbs Posts: 75	Bobsgirl, I lost my husband from a cocaine overdose at 41 after ten years of sobriety on his own, right after cwohio lost her husband. First I want to say that most people don't understand the addict or addiction, but your here in our world now, and our world is the majority. I spent tonight taking myself to hell and back, and we have alot in common because i did everything, but you topped me, your an rn so you really had alot to work with. I went just on love, and us family memebers who's loved ones use at home is alot different than some who there addict leaves the house to use, I watched him day and and day out deteriorate, his mind be stripped, I still have some humor left in me, most times his clothes stripped running around the house , but when he died at that very moment is when I learned I was'nt meant to save him, the Lord knows bobsgirl, WE TRIED EVERYTHING, they love us for that, my husband told me without me he would'nt have lived that long. Even knowing I was'nt meant to save him, I would do it all over and exactly the same......even though......I could'nt save him. I think of it now they suffered in pain with a disease and guess what? GOD SAVED THEM from the grips of the demon drugs. The day my husband passed it was'nt the way I wanted it to be either, trust me, we can't change it, your reality will come and it will go but I'm living proof reading tonight what I wrote about that day, I listen to the 911 tape with him dying on there, I watched the paramedics not save him, his last words on the tape were OH, OH, OH like when your in excruciating pain, I torture myself with that as I did some today but I'm back here in the saddle again, posting my pain. Sweetie you were spared what I will never ever never forget in my mind like Tivo. In the words of my husbands' godchild, Marty was a solider in a war, and he fought a good fight, your dad and all others are the same. God Bless, debbie

05-20-2006, 07:13 AM	#8 (permalink)
bobsgirl Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Kenilworth nj Posts: 3	Thank you so much for all of your kind words and support. It really helps to have others hear me and understand how deep my wounds are. I feel like I tried so hard to help him and it was all a big useless effort. I never understood how strong addiction is untill my father moved in with me and I saw my big, strong father, curled up in a ball crying and shaking on the couch. Now I feel I was so helpless and small compared to something so HUGE, and I just miss him so much, my heart never stops aching. I just wish I could know that he is at peace and no longer in pain. I wish somehow, he could let me know he is ok. But I guess we all wish that. Also, there is no way to know if he accidently overdosed or if it was intentional. I hope to god he didn't feel so alone that he intentionally took his own life. These thoughts go through my head every day since January 15. It feels like I have opened the flood gates now that I have someone to talk to who understands. And Debmar, my heart goes out to you, I am so sorry you had to be there to see your husband go. I do thank god I did not have to see it or find him.. I think for some reason I was spared the experience of finding him cold and dead in my basement. I think god knew that I could not handle that. I am so sorry you had to experience that. I was driving on the highway when I got the call from my 83 year old grandmother, telling me he was found dead in his bed at the half-way house he was in. I remember I started to scream, somehow I got home, I don;t remember driving there. Then I had to call my sister and brother, who are also both dealing with their own version of hell. My sister pulled away from my dad because she was trying to protect her own sanity, now she cannot forgive herself for not being there for him. I think I will tell her about this site, also. I thank you all so much for giving me a place to go, noone else can truly undertand this unless they have been there, The anger and sadness and complicated emotions run so deep. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! love, bobsgirl

05-20-2006, 08:10 AM	#9 (permalink)
best Don't get undies in a bunch Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: South Shore MA Posts: 7,166	You go above and beyond. You give your best. You do all that you know how to do and being a nurse, you would know much. You don't need to forgive yourself because there is nothing that needs to be forgiven...well ok there is something. Forgive yourself for blaming yourself. I can't cause addiction and niether can you. I can't control addiction and niether can you. I can't cure addiction and niether can you. Being a nurse you would know that the only time you can help someone is when they ask for it. A broken arm at home and they never come in to be seen... You can't provide because they are not willing. Addictions and the adict wanting help would be the same. It needs be their choice. I can't cause addiction and niether can you. I can't control addiction and niether can you. I can't cure addiction and niether can you. Only the addict can make the choice to stop. Sorry for your loss. Please stop blaming yourself. __________________ * I asked God to spare me pain. God said "No", Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me. Recovery Related Acronym B. E. S. T. = Been Enjoying Sobriety Today?

05-20-2006, 08:17 AM	#10 (permalink)
jcade Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Down South Posts: 60	Sounds like so many I know Bobsgirl! Sounds like your Dad had issues with drug abuse from before you were born. And for that I am sorry. I cannot tell you how lucky we are to have this venue of support. wheras our fathers did not;or would not admit they had a problem until it was to late. Just remember your not alone and we will always be here for you! John __________________ Someone once asked me was I from the North or the South? I said I don't know I am Bi-Polar

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