I was ....

[Pepsifreek007]

answering and got off the subject competely. I guess I need to vent somewhere so here I go again. There has got to to somethng good to come out of my life. I feel like such an idiot to think that I could do this all alone cause it's killing me my guilt,shame, pain,. Still feeling some guilt over my brothers death cause I tried to call him on New Years day to see if he was feeing better or talk to him because I knew he was suicidal. I got so angry that day I found out about him. I did not know what to say because I too tried suicide when I was 11yrs. old only because I felt I had know one to talk to and no way out of all that was inside me. So, who was I to feel like it was wrong maybe he felt the same way? We all knew at least me and my other brother did know he was like this for at least a month but we did not know what to do and he had a way out. Why did'nt he take it?? There was a program he was suppose to go to and stay where he was at and he did not he took off he ran away and no one knew where he was for the longest time until I got a letter. He had been homeless for about 6 months and he finally got a job working on someones ranch I think and I told him i wanted to see him but things kept getting in the way. I had to work I had my kids and he told me that he had a strawberry plant that he was saving for me because he knew that I like strawberries but he could'nt wait when we found out he had died we went down to the ranch of this person and he showed me a strawberry plant that he wanted me to have I could'nt take it .. I could'nt even go to his funeral. I was in so much pain for the next 10 yrs. I even tried to numb the pain with some whiskey I only drank half I was'nt trying to kill myself just stop it for awhile.

[deedee]

(((Pepsifreek)))

Loss of a loved one by suicide is such a tough thing to deal with ... the whys, the what if's, the guilt. I'm sorry you lost your brother this way and still struggle years later. My son took his life in February 2005 and I think I'm working thru the grief, only time will tell. I know I will always be affected by his loss and how he died, and wish I could somehow go back and change that fateful night.

I believe we have to lay down the guilt and work towards acceptance to survive. I try to do that one day at a time because it's all I can manage. Reach out for help and keep talking about it ... it doesn't matter if it's been one year, 10, or 50 years. You deserve to heal Pepsifreek, you are a good person.

hugs and prayers,

deedee

[Morning Glory]

Hi Pepsi,

It took me about 20 years to let go of the guilt after my husband's suicide. It got better when I came here and started talking about it. I had to take a good look at guilt and the role it was playing in my life. Then I had to make a choice to let it go. I couldn't fix it. I could only let it go. I realized that feeling guilty did not change a thing and I was just punishing myself. I had to learn to be kinder to myself before I could let go of it.

You have been through so much. You have the grief of your own childhood and at least 3 traumatic deaths of loved ones. I'm sure your job can be traumatic and stressful at times too.

We wall up our pain so we can cope with it and that makes it hard to let anyone in to love and care about us. If we let the wall down to let others in we also let the wall down to let all that pain out. Thats why I've always wanted to do it alone.

The strawberry plant would have been devastating to me too. I'm sorry you didn't get to see your brother before he died. Anger is a normal reaction.

Hugs,
MG

[Pepsifreek007]

I feel like I let him down as we were growing up so many times I had no idea this would/could happen. I thought we were going to be ok after our dad died because we had our bigger family up here. I thought we coud all make a new beginning but we had'nt changed we just moved up here with all our painful luggage. Maybe I just saw him as my big brother and loved him the way he was I had no idea of all that was killing him little by little. I left him because he drank too much and left me alone for a whole day by myself and we lived alone and he took off and came home late at night totally drunk. He told me he loved me and I said I love you but I did not like his moodiness and he was too quiet for me but otherwise we always got along we went for bike rides together. I remember we did so much together oh he also worked for a restaurant and I would come in to visit him then he would give me money to buy lunch. No matter what he would have become I still would have loved him even if he had nothing... he took care of me when I was younger made me breakfast, took me to the beach on his bike and later he would take me to church with him. We hung out with some of his freinds from church. I miss him...I miss him talking to him. I miss the closeness. there's still a big hole there I try to fill it with my kids,work,the house writing, reading, music and some tv. I feel better I have'nt let that out in a long time. P.S I love that flower Morning Glory we used to have it growing on the outside of the house when I was growing up I used to pluck it and it has a sweet taste not bitter just sweet, purple little flower.

[Morning Glory]

Lots of times we look back at our childhood and think we were little adults. I'm sure you and your brother both did the best you could and it sounds like you were both fending for yourselves most of the time. Alcohol also plays a big part in depression and choices.

Life is just so hard sometimes.

[jcade]

I agree life is not fair! And sometimes for our age we have to deal with problems that most adults can deal with!

And if nothing else we become stronger dor it. I remember Saddy and Momma cussing a lot. And have never let go of it until now!

Might sound silly but try this buy 5 helium balloons and name each one as anxeity,drinkin,sad and so forth takem out side and let them go one by one!

Telling yourself these are things I cannot deal with and let them go one by one.

[Pepsifreek007]

I'll give it a try.. sometimes I feel like ridiculous feeling this way. I put myself through so much because I try to avoid feeling. I get "busy" and instead of the drinking now, I just work myself silly and try to get into other peoples lives, like for instance my kids and then I remember hey, I'm the momma and I come to the point where I am so busy that I leave out people and they get upset at me. I really need to get this out... so here it goes again. I often listen to rock music because it is mine at least that is how I feel, angry, frustrated, sometimes suicidal but not necessarily going to put it into action just trying to get closer to how he was in some way just trying to follow him. I don't know but I do know I am a different person and I love my family not myself but I am working on it. I am afraid sometimes of me what,why I do certain things, I don't understand myself or know me yet. I pray that I will know why I do certain things so I can want to love myself it's so hard.

[Pepsifreek007]

I was watching this show on Sunday night and this one charactor was saying since his wife passed away he could only handle sun up to sun down but since he found love he had all kinds of plans, he could fnally make more plans. Maybe I should just work on it from that perspective and stop looking so far down the road. Just deal with life one day at a time. Also, I think I figured out why I wanted to follow him... it's the same reason that I look at someone that is positive, confident in their everyday affairs, not afraid of life but he stopped being that person so long ago and I guess that is the way I want to remember him. Always, just as I last saw him, before he lost his way. I have to go my way just let go. I had this dream of him and I want to share it.. Me and my brother were in a hotel getting ready to leave somewhere he asked me if I had everything and I said, yes, then he left the room I thought he was getting himself ready and he did'nt come back, I stood there for like eternity it felt like waiting for him to come back then I woke up. Maybe he was gone all along and I never wanted to believe it. I feel like I've come along way with this subject.

[Morning Glory]

I think that dream says a lot Pepsi. There is no closure.
Even when the pain is gone if there is no closure it's hard
to move on. Closure isn't letting the person go. I think it
relates more to being satisfied in your heart that you've
completed all that needs to be done.
It's very hard to do that with a sudden death.

I didn't get to say goodbye
I didn't get to let you know how much I love you
I didn't get to tell you I'm sorry
I didn't get to try and save you
I didn't get to hold you
I didn't get to look in your eyes
I didn't get a chance to take care of you
I didn't get a chance to work through my anger

So many things.
Hugs

[deedee]

Thanks for sharing your dream (((Pepsi)))

Everything MG says is true. In any sudden death, there are so many things left unsaid, undone. I think I'm working thru my grief towards acceptance, but how does one know? Then a month or two later, I look back and I can see that I'm a little bit better than I was before.

I've said this before, but it remains true today. I can survive my son's death one day at a time. If my mind tries to envision five years or ten, the rest of my life, without him, I'm paralyzed with pain and find myself looking into that black hole. As long as I get up each day and put one foot in front of the other, I can do this.

I'm glad you are feeling better Pepsi ... it helps so much to talk about it.

hugs,

deedee

[margo]

Hi (((((Pepsifreek))))) - I've lost two brothers to suicide - one was my baby brother and I used to dream about him a lot. The last dream I had, I saved him from falling out of a building and I haven't had a dream about him since. I struggled with guilt for years after his death, and I still like to think I could have done more to prevent it. The second time, I was just angry as hell and still am to some degree. I don't talk about it too much, but I'm glad to see you sharing here. It sounds like you have some really nice memories of your brother. Sending supportive hugs your way.

[Pepsifreek007]

I am so sorry to hear about your brothers.. I was close to the one brother that did it. I came to the conclusion he would have done it anyway because of his childhood was very brutal. He would'nt of made it very long it was only a matter of time before he succeeded and he did it even when there was someone there who cared about him. I guess maybe that is what I loved so much about him he let me be me and we talked about everything, there was not much we did'nt, I remember once he was taking me for a ride by the ocean and I was riding on the back of his bike then he pushed the pedal so hard next thing I knew I lost my grip and l fell of the bike and landed on the cement, I screamed, Peter!!!! He looked back turned the bike around, came back and says, "I thought the bike got light all of a sudden"??? LOL. Morning Glory, your poem really got to me, I've realized that there are different types of tears?? Am I right? I cried but it was a good cry not painful cry. Thank you all so much I did not realize how hard just opening up was, and I remember what Best had to say about pain, I asked God to spare me pain. God said, "No, Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me." I told someone that I now know that I am important to people and they are just as important to me something like that I can't remember it all, sorry. I know that the pain will return again but I will be ready for it seems like it floors me and I have no way of coping with it but just suffering through it but I have a better idea of how to handle it and cope. Alot of times I try to cover up my pain with laughter or humor I think maybe that was the wrong way to do it. It's ok to cry... it's ok to feel.