How could I forget?

[BigSis]

I knew there was something bothering me about the date. It is an important date. I kept thinking about it and considering and discarding all the things it might be…Work related stuff? No. … maybe it was something with my husband’s schedule? No. Son or daughter’s schedules? No.

It just dawned on me, and in a way it is a good thing. In another way it makes me sad.

On April 3, 1989 at 4:30 p.m. I got a call at work that our 7 week old daughter had stopped breathing.

I listened while the daycare provider explained what the EMTs were doing – they breathed for her, they continued the CPR started by the daycare provider, then they carried her to the ambulance. I allowed my coworker to bundle me into her car for the 35 mile ride home to the hospital. I prayed for strength because I already knew she was gone, I had felt it since I’d hung up the phone.

I walked into the reception area and while the receptionist was calling someone to take care of me… I just walked myself on back to the ER and started looking behind curtains. I was numb and knew that I so badly did not want to find her – but also that I had to find her. When I got to the procedure room, I could see our pediatrician performing CPR through the window. She looked up and saw me, then looked back down and continued what she was doing. I thought about walking through that door – after all, it was my child in there. But I didn’t want to see her like that and I only approached close enough to see the doctors and not my little baby on that great big table.

A nurse finally arrived and took me into the drug closet and I sat on a stool in the cramped room while she got the doctor. Doctor Anita came in and told me my baby had died of “crib death�. She told me that her coworkers were still performing CPR and I remember panicking because I thought they were going to ask me to decide if they should stop or not. Anita reassured me that she was the one who would be making that decision.

I remember not being able to remember the name of the place where Mr. Big worked… only the city and nearby landmarks. I told the nurse to call the police department in that town and that they might be able to help her find him. I remember knowing that my mom was taking a class at the college and my old dad was at bingo… but I couldn’t remember where my own husband worked.

They brought Christy in to me, wrapped in a receiving blanket. How incongruous that was – a receiving blanket for a baby that was leaving. My mother arrived and joined me in the little drug closet for a while… her grief was incredible. Mom was a rock, but I watched as she died a little in front of me that day. They moved us to another room.

My friend from work found me, and I showed her my baby… she was so kind. She told me later that she was shocked that I was holding my dead child, but was immediately moved to see Christy the way I was still seeing her… as a quiet, sleeping, beautiful baby.

Dad showed up and joined us in that other room. When he finally comprehended what had happened, he stumbled and reached out for the wall. My six foot two dad – the one who was the granite that held up our family – he nearly fell and had to leave the room.

Then my husband showed up confused and not able to grasp what had happened. They didn’t tell him Christy had died until he got to the hospital – all he knew for the 45 minute drive was that someone was hurt and needed him.

Finally, a friend who was a nurse came in and took her from me. She promised me a lock of her hair and she took a photo of her … I know that seems inappropriate – but babies change so much and my last photos were from two weeks before.

I joined a Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) support group and for many years, I took April 3 as a vacation day. Just took a day for myself, and allowed myself to think about her. For years after that, I would remember her on this day… almost from the time I got out of bed. This year, I nearly forgot entirely.

I understand I am healing from losing her and this is a good thing. Life goes on, and we learn to live without those who go home early. Learn to live. I have done, and am doing that. But there is some sadness around the idea of being able to heal from incredible loss.

[cwohio]

(((bigsis))) will light a candle for christy and you!!!!

hugs - christie

[splendra]

(((((((((((BIG SIS)))))))))))

I have had stuff like that happen. It seems that our sub conscious minds know everything even when we don't or are not conscious of. I think events like this are triggers for many who have not brought these things to their consciousness. Grieving well and in the open = good recovery I think.

You have grow and greived well. ((((Christy))) will never be gone from your heart.

[Wolfstarr]

(((BigSis)))

[MamaGoose]

((((( BigSis ))))))

[Morning Glory]

.

[outonalimb]

(((Big Sis)))

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine the heartache. I'm lighting a candle for you and Christie tonight. Just think...you have a beautiful guardian angel watching over you. I believe this with all of my heart.

[deedee]

Oh (((Sis)))

That's one of the things that scares me ... knowing that 10 years, 20 years, the rest of my life will go by and my child will still be gone. Yet if we stop walking thru the pain, where does that leave us?

I'm with you in spirit today as you remember your beautiful Christy.

love and prayers,

deedee

[historyteach]

(((BigSis)))
Thank you for sharing your experiences with such a deep and meaningful story of your life. My heart goes out to you in this time of grief...and blessed memory...

And may her memory continue to be a blessing...

Shalom!

[Ann]

Hugs of comfort for you today, BigSis. I cannot imagine the pain, and although it gets less through the years, I know that the memory and sadness stay tucked safely away. It's good to bring it out once in a while, then tuck it safely away again until the next time.

I will pray for you and Christy tonight also, and light a candle next to the candle I have lit for Trish. They are both angels together now, until we all meet again.

Hugs and Love
Ann

[pmaslan]

Just saw this....(((BigSis)))

[my brother]

((((BigSis)))))

Thinking and praying for you and (((Christy)))

Thank you for sharing

xxxxx

[Ann]

[Live]

Big Sis,

I found your post very beautiful and real. Thank you for sharing that. I feel honored that I was able to read this. It is very, very meaningful to me.
You know, we talk about it at first.....but as time goes by we don't share the healing/grieving.
What you have shared is so very important.
I would like to send you flowers...a symbol of the loss and of the rebirth and beauty of life.

My unconscious still starts my grieving one month in advance of the anniversary...sometimes it takes me awhile to recall what is going on.

I bow my head in respect to you.....and this day of remembrance.

live

[OVERIT]

(((((BigSis))))))

(((((Christy)))))

I am so very sorry.

xoxoxoxo

Ang

[Rusty Zipper]

Big Sis, your in my thoughts tonight... xxoo Pattee