3 months without her - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

ranae1221 · 03-12-2006, 07:16 PM

Tomorrow will be 3 months since Shirley died. Shirley and I met over 3 years ago, I needed a place to stay and she was renting rooms in her home to make ends meet. We ended up adopting each other. What a pair we made! I was 22, just recovering from a "breakdown" and trying to get back on my feet, She was 70 and had just lost her husband. We helped each other through some really tough times. She became my best friend and surragote mom. She called me her girl- she used to tell everyone, "Here talk to my girl, she understands better then me". I loved being "her girl". About 2 years ago I guess "old" age started hitting her and she went through some major illnesses. We faced it all, together. Then this past November, the doctor told us she had lung cancer. Small cell lung cancer with mets to the liver and bones. She died 27 days later here at home. I was holding her hand when she took her last breath. I know I should be happy she died so quickly, that she wasn't in pain for long. I can't help but be angry- angry at the doctors that didn't find it sooner, angry at the doctor that said I would have 4-6 months when I only had 27 days, angry at those who say "She's in a better place" because why wasn't here with me good enough? Angry that she gave up so easy, angry now that I have to deal with selling the home and packing her things up, angry that sometimes I forget she is gone and when I remember it hurts all over again.

I don't expect anyone to read this, I just needed to get this out. I feel too guilty to say any of this to the few friends I have. What kind of person am I to want her still here, suffering? But I do. I want her back. I feel cheated, I didn't have enough time with her and I need her back. No one, not even my own parents, loved me like she did. She was the one person who's love I never ever doubted. I am just tired of being angry, tired of crying, tired of pretneding everything is great when I feel like I am dying inside.

cwohio · 03-12-2006, 07:42 PM

ranae - i am sorry for the loss of your dear surrogate mother. i lost my mother 13 years ago and also had a surrogate mother who passed 11 years ago. i have since lost my husband to alcoholism 6 months ago. all the feelings you have are normal during grieving. please post what you are feeling - it helps to get it out and express it. it's part of the process. prayers to you and Shirley!

deedee · 03-12-2006, 07:49 PM

Oh (((Ranae))) I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your surrogate mom sounds like a warm and wonderful soul and I believe that God puts people in our path for a reason. It's obvious that you needed each other and what a blessing to have the time you had. Your loss is so new and your feelings are normal. I know that doesn't help much, but just give yourself all the time you need and get it out. I don't think you're selfish at all ... I would give anything to have my son back, even knowing the pain he felt in this life. This is part of the journey for us, walking through the pain and learning to live without them.

Peace and prayers to you,

deedee

indigo · 03-15-2006, 05:43 AM

I too am sorry for your loss, I guess you both were really fortunate to have had each other.
indigo

Wolfstarr · 03-15-2006, 06:38 PM

Ranae, I am sorry for what you are going through losing Shirley.

Do her spirit proud and take from the sharing of her life with you, and you sharing your life with her. You were sent to her, you know, and she to you.
Nothing in this life happens by mistake. You were both meant to know and love each other. Cherish that.

Feel what you feel, let no one tell you how to feel. Grief is personal and we each grieve in our own, special, spiritual way. You will be ok, dear heart.

Prayers and healing thoughts sent your way.
Wishing you a blessed day.

In memory of miracle · 03-19-2006, 02:41 PM

(((( Ranae )))

my brother · 03-20-2006, 05:00 AM

(((Ranae)))

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my brother 3 months ago to drugs and I know that I would give anything to have him back, even though he was in pain and struggling. I know how you feel when you say why wasn't being with you good enough and also know that nothing I say can make you feel any better but just to let you know I am thinking of you and my prayers will be with you and your surrogate mother through this time.
Lot's of love
lucie xx

03-12-2006, 07:16 PM	#1 (permalink)
ranae1221 Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Arizona Posts: 318	3 months without her Tomorrow will be 3 months since Shirley died. Shirley and I met over 3 years ago, I needed a place to stay and she was renting rooms in her home to make ends meet. We ended up adopting each other. What a pair we made! I was 22, just recovering from a "breakdown" and trying to get back on my feet, She was 70 and had just lost her husband. We helped each other through some really tough times. She became my best friend and surragote mom. She called me her girl- she used to tell everyone, "Here talk to my girl, she understands better then me". I loved being "her girl". About 2 years ago I guess "old" age started hitting her and she went through some major illnesses. We faced it all, together. Then this past November, the doctor told us she had lung cancer. Small cell lung cancer with mets to the liver and bones. She died 27 days later here at home. I was holding her hand when she took her last breath. I know I should be happy she died so quickly, that she wasn't in pain for long. I can't help but be angry- angry at the doctors that didn't find it sooner, angry at the doctor that said I would have 4-6 months when I only had 27 days, angry at those who say "She's in a better place" because why wasn't here with me good enough? Angry that she gave up so easy, angry now that I have to deal with selling the home and packing her things up, angry that sometimes I forget she is gone and when I remember it hurts all over again. I don't expect anyone to read this, I just needed to get this out. I feel too guilty to say any of this to the few friends I have. What kind of person am I to want her still here, suffering? But I do. I want her back. I feel cheated, I didn't have enough time with her and I need her back. No one, not even my own parents, loved me like she did. She was the one person who's love I never ever doubted. I am just tired of being angry, tired of crying, tired of pretneding everything is great when I feel like I am dying inside.

03-12-2006, 07:42 PM	#2 (permalink)
cwohio Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Litterbox City Posts: 6,142	ranae - i am sorry for the loss of your dear surrogate mother. i lost my mother 13 years ago and also had a surrogate mother who passed 11 years ago. i have since lost my husband to alcoholism 6 months ago. all the feelings you have are normal during grieving. please post what you are feeling - it helps to get it out and express it. it's part of the process. prayers to you and Shirley! __________________ *Learn to write your hurts in sand. Learn to carve your blessings in stone! - Unknown*

03-12-2006, 07:49 PM	#3 (permalink)
deedee Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Faith~Hope~Love Posts: 933	Oh (((Ranae))) I'm so sorry for your loss. Your surrogate mom sounds like a warm and wonderful soul and I believe that God puts people in our path for a reason. It's obvious that you needed each other and what a blessing to have the time you had. Your loss is so new and your feelings are normal. I know that doesn't help much, but just give yourself all the time you need and get it out. I don't think you're selfish at all ... I would give anything to have my son back, even knowing the pain he felt in this life. This is part of the journey for us, walking through the pain and learning to live without them. Peace and prayers to you, deedee __________________ ~ While the light lasts I shall remember and in the darkness I shall not forget ~

03-15-2006, 05:43 AM	#4 (permalink)
indigo Community Greeter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express Posts: 9,928	I too am sorry for your loss, I guess you both were really fortunate to have had each other. indigo __________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

03-15-2006, 06:38 PM	#5 (permalink)
Wolfstarr Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Deeeep South Posts: 767	Ranae, I am sorry for what you are going through losing Shirley. Do her spirit proud and take from the sharing of her life with you, and you sharing your life with her. You were sent to her, you know, and she to you. Nothing in this life happens by mistake. You were both meant to know and love each other. Cherish that. Feel what you feel, let no one tell you how to feel. Grief is personal and we each grieve in our own, special, spiritual way. You will be ok, dear heart. Prayers and healing thoughts sent your way. Wishing you a blessed day. __________________

03-19-2006, 02:41 PM	#6 (permalink)
In memory of miracle In Memory Of Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Connecticut. Posts: 3,738	(((( Ranae ))) __________________ In Memory Of Teach only love...

03-20-2006, 05:00 AM	#7 (permalink)
my brother Lucie Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: London, England Posts: 459	(((Ranae))) I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my brother 3 months ago to drugs and I know that I would give anything to have him back, even though he was in pain and struggling. I know how you feel when you say why wasn't being with you good enough and also know that nothing I say can make you feel any better but just to let you know I am thinking of you and my prayers will be with you and your surrogate mother through this time. Lot's of love lucie xx __________________ Friends are not only together when they are side-by-side, even one who is far away is still in our thoughts...Beethoven

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