6 months today

[cwohio]

i've been feeling, oh i don't know, unsettled for a couple days. Weepy, emotionally exhausted. it's been busy at work. i realized today was the 6 month anniversary of my husband's death. i know God is always with me but i am feeling abandonment today - emotionally abandoned by my parents, then emotionally abandoned by my husband and finally physically abandoned by him. it hurts today - and i'm going thru the "why's" that will never be answered. i need to talk to him and God but righ now i'm so worn out i can't. i lit a candle for him. that's all i can do right now - just can't muster up anything else.

thanks for letting me vent!

[Time2Surrender]

I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what to say. Not sure if your a believer or not. Mathew Ch 5 Verse 8.

[cwohio]

thanks mike - i am a believer and i will read that. appreciate the reply!

[susane1408]

Vent away Christie, that's a lot of baggage you've been carrying for a long time.
I guess that your fingers have become fused to it and prising them off it is going to be painful.
One finger at a time Christie

[Wolfstarr]

(((((((cw))))))))

Christie, in any loss, there are always the "why's". The wounds are still so very open from your loss. Those wounds never close completely, but soothing salve can be applied to those wounds to help ease the pain...like venting here, talking, and having us here to help you through the wounds opening back up.
My thoughts are with you today, and for you and your healing I light a candle in your name.
Warm hugs and peace sent your way.
You are loved.
WS

[roses2005]

Hi,
My name is Jennifer. Read your post, and I am very sorry for your loss.
I dont know if you read or not, however if you do, I cannot applaud this book enough.
Its called " Embraced by the Light"--Betty Eadie---
Its a very easy read. ( about 146 pages.) True story.
This book, without a doubt, will restore any doubts you may have, about love ones who have passed, and how very peaceful and happy they feel right now. I am too a believer, and this book truly changed my life. I cannot say enough about it. Just read it.
The inner peace you will feel after is unexplainable. No exaggeration.Sorry for your loss,and I hope you can find solace in knowing that when a loved one passes, sure it hurts us, but they are in the best of hands, and most af all, out of pain.
You will see them again. Jennifer

[deedee]

(((Christie)))

The six month point is a really hard time, so go easy on yourself. Let the feelings flow ... Holding you close, because I know how hard this is.

Peace and prayers,

deedee

[cwohio]

thank you susane, wolfstarr and roses2005. i pushed myself to go to my workout this morning and am done but right now i feel like curling up in a ball. i just don't understand why he didn't want to try and fight his addiction anymore and i guess that's not for me to understand. my heart bleeds for the pain he must have felt to just want to give up. i still feel selfish for wanting to get on with my recovery and i know that's the codie part of me talking in my head.

i just want to scream what the h*ll happened.

roses - i will have to pick up a copy of that book - thank you for the suggestion.

thanks all!

[cwohio]

((deedee))

[equus]

i just don't understand why he didn't want to try and fight his addiction anymore and i guess that's not for me to understand.

We say actions are what tell us what somebody wants but that's not always the case. Things can effect our ability to follow through with what we want in action, alcohol does so much long term damage and targets the very parts need to fight the addiction.

The thing is I think sometimes we just don't know what someone else wants - I know I always want to pin it down, and sometimes my efforts to do so start to resemble (and get tied up in) trying to know the future.

You looked for things RIGHTLY to make decisions you needed to make but maybe now you can be free of that and have no need to try to know what he wanted. Howver clumsy the attempts to stop were they were also there - the most terrifying thing to me is knowing alcohol can destroy what's need to fight alcoholism. I think it's why no-one around it long enough thinks it's safe to risk one more relapse on the basis someone managed to recover before.

In your belief he is in God's hands - let what he wanted be there too.

[MamaGoose]

((( cwohio )))

Prayers and hugs. I'm so sorry.

[cwohio]

((equus)) - you are so right - i should have said - it APPEARED he didn't want to try but maybe he did and it just wasn't there. thank you for that insight. pretty arrogant of me to think i know what he wanted.

thanks mamagoose! (())

[equus]

NOT arrogant - human!! It's inside us to want to know another's wants for good reason, it isn't 'wrong', it's just not accurate always either.

[Justme57]

Oh! Christie ! I dont know what to say, but I DO offer you a HUGE ((((((Christie))))))) I know that feeling of abandonment, it is a very empty feeling

Thinkng of you

HUGX
Lee

[cwohio]

thanks eq (())

lee - appreciate your reply and hugs!

[debmar]

Christie,
I would say to my husband and in fact on the very day he died, "You don't love me if you do this" he said to me continually, Debbie please know that when I tell you I love you, and the words I say I do mean. I never forget that because they are sick and it does make sense. He had so many years sober, I waited to go back, there is no going back I learned. I constantly asked myself Why Why did'nt we do back, we can't go back. If I never truly seen God work before, I have seen his work the year my husband relapsed. I feel our lives are mapped out by God, I firmly belief in fate, I see it in my business everyday but never my personal life, until Marty died. It was never going to be a time preferable to me, but for God he had to take our husbands even if my husband was still a baby at 41 I feel. This time there was no turning back, I prayed for God to make him well everyday, unfortunatley that meant his dying, God could'nt make him well this time, only by taking him home. I feel your pain as you know. I keep telling myself to stop trying to make sense of a senseless disease. If our husband's had cancer we'd be able to accept it better as a fact of life that any one of us can get, but they did have cancer just a different kind, keeping that in mind helps me mentally cope a little better. I walk here beside you in our new journey together although a hard road it will be, we will make it. I'm shocked everyday that I wake up and function without a man I was with 24/7 we were never in a different room of the house together, we thrived on being together, he spoiled me rotten, treated me like a queen and I could only say that it is our husband's that spiritually help us make it through the day, how else could I make it if that is not true. The five months he's been gone feels like five years given our oneness together always. Wolfstarr posted a description of a thin veil between heaven and us and that they are not far away and I hold onto that thought and find peace in believing that is true. We are not alone Christie, my psychologist told me to read "When bad things happen to Good People and I felt a sigh of relieve after reading it, God helps us through Wolfstarr and everybody in this family to heal, that is how we will get through this. God Bless You, you are always in my prayers, I cry every night on my husbands urn in the house and after that I fall to sleep peacefully, our husband's still exist, it's true we are not alone ever. Debbie

[cwohio]

((debbie)) thank you for your post. most times i know all that you say is true, it's just those little spurts, those moments when my mind goes to the "other place". i went to the bookstore last night and got the book that roses2005 mentioned and also found one - "a time to grieve" - meditations for healing after the death of a loved one - by carol staudacher. you might want to pick up a copy - really good. i too prayed for God to take away my husband's addiction and he did in His own way, just maybe not the way i wanted. i wanted him to be happy again with or without me. having to detach from him was very hard. i wanted to heal him and i realized i couldn't. i will keep you in my prayers also. ((((debbie))))

[daddysgirl29]

Oh, honey. Just saw this today - sorry this is so late. I'm SOOO sorry you're hurting right now. Sometimes life just isn't fair, is it? But I've always heard that God's delay is not His denial, and every once in awhile, when I'm having a really bad/weepy day, all of a sudden something good will happen. Or something will happen that will make me laugh through the tears, and I KNOW that is God shining down on me, and all those that I loved that have passed on looking over me. I hope that happens for you soon, b/c you SO deserve it as you make so many of us smile on here every day.

This might make you giggle - just the other day I was driving and thinking about my late pooch, and my water bottle slid into the back seat of my car while I was driving, I reached back to get it, and instead of grabbing the water, the "scrubby" part of my ice scraper grabbed me back!! I let out this WOOOOOOEEEEEOOOOOP! and almost drove off the road - flinging the ice scraper further back into my car. Then I just BURSTED out laughing. I'm sure everyone around me thought I was crazy, but I didn't care. Here I was ready to cry, and "something" made me laugh. I just looked up at the Heavens and said "thanks, guys." It was just what my sad heart needed.

So I hope my silly story made you smile. Your husband was a very lucky man to have you. What you went through was nothing short of harrowing. You should give yourself a lot of credit for getting through, and if you have a "down" day - that's okay and you're entitled, but please know that you have friends who truly care about you and want to help you any way we can.

Big, invisible, cyber hugs to you, cwohio.
Love,
DG

[cwohio]

thanks DG - still a bit weepy today and going to church usually helps but for some reason made me tear up.

we were both lucky to have each other for the time we did - even thru the bad times - the pain and sadness of seeing him slipping further away.

i shall try to look for the little bits of sunshine thru the clouds today - because the sun is never really gone - just hiding.

(((DG))

[equus]

i shall try to look for the little bits of sunshine thru the clouds today - because the sun is never really gone - just hiding.

And spring is coming - because winters were never meant to last forever. When the snowdrops go the daffodils come - but they don't count unless they are wild!

[Purrdy]

Christi, just to let you know that I am thinking of you and you are in my prayers.....

[cwohio]

thanks purrdy!!!!

[beginning2c]

Here's a great big hug for you cwohio
((((cwohio)))
I hope you are feeling better very soon.

[cwohio]

thanks beginning2c - feeling a bit better this evening.

[indigo]

My thoughts and love are with you, glad you're feeling a little better today.