19 years and just now grieving

[allgolden]

I lost my mom 19 years ago. during that time, until now, I have managed to reconstruct the dysfunctional relationship, in a very codependent way, with other "mother-figures" who were emotionally unavailable.
So, all of a sudden, I have realized those relationships are nothing but re-creations of something I have not wanted to let go of. With this realization, now I am feeling sad just thinking about any aspect of my loss. I do not know if I am finally grieving, or if I am continuing to dwell on it.
Anyone know the difference? Also, how do you become comfortable showing emotions in front of others?
Just looking for ideas...
Thanks!

[Justme57]

Hi there allgolden

I cannot really answer your question, but I lost my partner to suicide 23 years ago, and as I am an alcoholic, I just drank down my sorrow, so now, with 2 1/2 years sobriety, I am just now learning to work thru the grief i should have dealt with 23yrs ago.

As for showing your feelings in front of others, that is a luxury i have only found in sobriety.
I was brought up to not show any feelings, and to keep everything inside. Since going to AA, I have learned the freedom of sharing my REAL feelings , and it has made a huge difference to me .

HUGX
Lee

[Wolfstarr]

(((Allgolden))))

I have had the same type experience. I have denied feelings for the loss of my father some 40 years ago. FORTY years.
I have issues of abandonment and extreme dependency on the men in my life, and even some women. My mom, bless her sweet dear soul, could not care for me nor see my angst when my father died, being that she grieved so herself.
Like you, I have tried finding my father in a codependent, dysfunctional way. I found a wonderful man, married him, and was so dependent on him I couldn't function without him. He was, for lack of a better phrase, my father figure.
I did not love him as a spouse, a partner, a companion. I married him at a young age and now I see that I need desperately to break away and take care of me.
It has been 32 years of dependency/codependencey.
We are divorcing, he has already moved out.
But what amazes me is that I am searching for others to take his place in the taking care of me.
Since I cannot do it myself, how am I going to survive?
I need someone to care for me, like a child needs care from a parent.
This reality hit me hard.
I found that I do not really know how to just love a person.
But, self realization is when you can really work on yourself.

I need their care.

I find that sad, and showing emotion in front of others is so very hard.
I have been stoic most of my life. Afraid to show emotions of fear, anger, being upset and sometimes even happiness. I am letting go now, because I keep telling myself that what others think of me is none of my business...it's MY business. And what I think of me is the only thing that matters.

I hope I helped you out...it sure helped me and I thank you for opening this subject up. We all need to talk and get it out, and get to know ourselves...for I have been hiding for so long.....
Peace and Prayers...
WolfS

[allgolden]

Thanks for the reply... it really helps to know others understand on a real level. The next things to be working on, I guess, is how to be a parent to the 11 yr old inner child. That is hard, as well. I do not know waht to do with this neediness that hits every now and then, showing through in clingy, afraid-to-be-alone behaviors. I know I am not supposed to ignore these needs, but have no clue how to take care of them in a positive way.
Has anything worked for you? How are you getting to know yourself better?
Thanks,

allgolden