???

[my brother]

I was just reading some of the posts on the Naranon forum.....

You know the idea of letting the addcits in your life get on with it and learning not to enable them or become a codependant? Well.....I could never understand the idea of that, i could never come to grips with the concept that my parents and the rest of the family should just let my brother get on with it and let him choose his own destiny...For me it felt like that would be deserting him and i loved him far too much to do that. I do understand that it is important to look after yourself but i just couldn't get my head round it.

Well finally after christmas when it became clear my brother wasn't exactly straight i agreed that my parents should put him in a hotel so that he wasn't in the house and that it would give him the kick up the backside that he needed to at least find himself a flat....well after being in the hotel for a week he was dead....does that mean that dying was his rock bottom and that was just what was going to happen??

Can't help thinking that through all those years we were all supporting him through his addiction he didn't die. So therefore when i am reading people giving advice to people and saying that they should just let the addict get on with it i feel this huge surge that we did that and now our addict isn't around...

Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me?

Love Lucie xxx

[Wolfstarr]

Hmmmm, very good observation indeed, Lucie.

Just from my experience, and what I have been through, my answer would be "yes" to the rock bottom question. Dean found his bottom, and that bottom was his end. Your family could have stopped enabling him at any time and the same outcome would have happened. Or, it may have happened during the enabling.

In my opinion, you and your family did not keep him alive. It was his choce all along. Whether you were there to help or not. It was his choice....we cannot control, cure nor change the addict no matter what we do. We do not have control over another's life.
I hope this helps you, makes sense to you. I know you are grieving over your dear brother, and that you loved him dearly...that part does not change. We love our dear ones, hate the behavior...for they are not themselves when under the grips of alcohol or narcotics.
My thoughts and prayers are with you Lucie.
Hugs,
Wolf

[In memory of miracle]

((( Lucie )))
It's part of grief to question ourself's about those things. Wolf is right, eventually all of us who keep using die. I am one of those who believe when it's your time, it's your time.I am going to pray for you that you don't torture yourself with guilt. Hotel, home? It could have happened anywhere. It was kind that you ya'll put him up in a hotel and not on the street. I believe, beyond the veil there is no more pain, and I sincerly mean it when I say, your brother does not want you to torture yourself with question's that will never be answered. He is home now Lucie, happy and free.
Bless you (((lucie))) and prayers for your brother.
Trish

[Morning Glory]

Hi Lucie,

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you know you weren't the cause of your brother's death. I'm posting a thread that might help. What you speak of is a struggle for all of us.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ce-6540-1.html

Please feel free to stay around and work through this with others who understand.

Hugs,
MG

[cwohio]

lucie - i too felt/feel this way. my husband was spiraling down before his death and i had started to really let go and detach. i was seriously preparing to separate from him and then he passed away. i have to keep reminding myself that it was out of my hands in in God's. ((lucie))

[my brother]

Thank you all for your prayers and kind words...
I do know, deep down, that i couldn't have 'saved' Dean, neither from his addiction nor his death...I know miracle is right and that if an addict continues to use then they are eventually going to die, i think in a situation when someone dies so quickly and suddenly it is a natural process to analyze every step of the relationship and what you did.
I don't have any guilt about Dean, i gave up my childhood to look after him, I wouldn't change anything i have done throughout his illness. I think this time i was just older and more concerned about MY future than before. Dean had been away for a long time in the states and I had developed my own life seperate to him, when he came back I was less patient with him but that, i think, is just part of growing up.
Miracle....I do believe that Dean is at peace, he is not enduring the long battle with his deamons which was his life. I guess I can't be thankful for that, i just wish this wasn't the way he had to find that peace.
Thank you again, Lucie xxx

[my brother]

Cwohio,
I guess the idea that it was out of my hards and in Gods was a difficult concept before because i didn't have any faith. For some reason this has made me reavaluate my faith and now, i think that I can accept the idea that this was God's will a little bit more. (it may be because I wan't him to take good care of Dean!)
Thank you, Lucie xx

[splendra]

(((lucie)))

I am so sorry for your loss. I have 4 active addicts in my life 3 of them are my siblings. Of course it is one of my greatest fears that oneday one of them might do something that will end their life.

For many years I have struggled with how can I help them? One of my brothers OD'ed and was dead but, was recessatated(sp?) I would think that would have scared him sober but, no it did not. I know if one of them manages to kill themselves it will hurt my mom so bad and I would feel like there must have been something I could have done to prevent it. The truth is (I think?) is that the only persons life I can really change is mine. I can get lost in my worry, pain and, grief over how it could have been and how it should be.

Your parents did what was right for them who could blame them or anyone for not wanting an active drinker in their home. It does seem like your brother did reach a bottom from which there is no return. God bless your heart I know it has to hurt so bad. Your brother could have died in your parents home just as easily as in the hotel room would that not have been just as bad or maybe even worse? Please be gentle with yourself during this time of grief and mourning and know that life and death are not really in our hands at all. We can live our life and do the best we can. Prayers going out for you and your family.

[my brother]

Splendra,
Thank you for the prayers and the time,
I had thought that he may have died in the house and that would have been worse, at least for my mother. She is finding this all very hard to cope with already but i think it would have been horrendous for her to have found him.
I think the one thing now is that I have to look after myself, i can no longer look after Dean, he is not here for me to do that. Now i can change the way I feel about what i saw when I was young and what Deans addiction had done to the rest of the family. I can now concentrate on the rest of my life and accepting what has happened so I feel better within myself....it is hard though and I think its going to be a slow process.
Sending prayers to you and the addicts in your life xxxx

[splendra]

(((my brother))))

Thanks for the prayers. I do need all the help I can get!!!