Finally...

[my brother]

Well yesterday, a month and a half on, i actually found out how my brother died....i can't believe it took that long to find out.

At least now i can have some kind of closure i guess. It was heart failure....the toxicology report found that he had high levels of methadone in his blood, along with traces of mdma, cocaine and alcohol....

The first thing that struck me was that Dean didn't usually use methadone, he had been a heroin addict and took almost everything but methadone wasn't something that usually figured....i guess i'll never know. I am relieved though, that they found drugs in his system...i know its a bit strange but when my father first spoke to the coroner there was talk that it could have just been a heart attack....he was found wearing cycling clothes. That would have been completely impossible for me to accept. If he had spent 17 years of his 31 putting all that stuff in his body and it held out until he was clean and went out for a ride!!!! that would be completely unacceptable.

I think that anger towards Dean would be a reasonable reaction to have at the moment...i can't, i could never be angry with him, didn't matter what he did i'd always be there looking after him. The way i feel at the moment is that if he was alive i'd grab hold of him and shake him....i'm not angry though....i may be a little frustrated...i think that may be a normal reaction for someone who has lost an addict but i don't know?

The only thing now i guess i that at least i know for sure...someone told me recently that we may never find out...that would have been harder to deal with.

Sorry about the morbidity of the post but i needed to get it off my chest and on to here.

Thank you for taking the time....Lucie xxx

[Wolfstarr]

((((Lucie))))

Feel completely free to share here, say what you want to say without fear of reprobation...you are going through a normal process of grief.
Discussing morbidity is mandatory for this forum...say it, get it out of YOU.

Sorry about the morbidity of the post but i needed to get it off my chest and on to here.

See what I mean?

If it relieves you to find out the reason for your brother's death, then I am right there with you...keeping you in my prayers and thoughts,
Wolfstarr

[In memory of miracle]

(((Lucie)))) Here for you xxxx
Trish

[KelKel]

(((Lucie)))

[my brother]

Thank you miracle and Kelel for your thoughts and prayers.

Wolf...........Thank you for saying its ok to talk about things like that, sometimes it feels that I don't want to make other people feel depressed about whats going on with me. I guess what this forum is all about. On the other hand though, i think when you write about things rather than think them it helps you to rationalise your feelings rather than getting boged down in the emotional side of things.

Thank you again.
Lucie xxxxxx

[deedee]

(((Lucie)))

It is good to get it out. I know in my *real* life, there are very few people I can talk to about this, especially as time goes on. If I couldn't come here, I don't know where I would be. Grief seems to move at a snail's pace, but I can look back and see that I am slowly working my way through it.

It must have been so painful seeing the coroner's report, but I'm glad it gave you some of the answers you seek.

hugs and prayers,

deedee

[MamaGoose]

Lucie,
I am so sorry for your loss.

[my brother]

DeeDee,
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Yes hearing the report was difficult but at least i now know how he died now, it was hard not knowing.
At the moment I am thankful for SR because sometimes I don't feel like i should talk to too many people in the outside world. I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable and depressed so I am glad I found the community here so that I am able to get the way I am feeling out umong people who have suffered tragic losses too.
I am glad you can see light and that you have been working through your pain. Hugs and Prayers to you and the rest of your family too.

MamaGoose, Thank you.

Lot's of Love
Lucie xx

[In memory of miracle]

((( Lucie)))
Thinking of you, sending some prayers of comfort your way...Bless
Trish

[beginning2c]

((((Lucie))))
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.

[my brother]

Well, this weekend we had our first hurdle without my brother.

It was my mothers birthday, she didn't want to celebrate so we finally pursuaded her to go out to dinner with the family.

For her birthday I bought her a ring. When my brother had been in India he had bought her a sapphire, just the stone. This had been on the mantle piece in the sitting room for three years so I decided to take it and have it set in a ring for her...she promptly burst into tears but she loved it. I was so happy to see her smiling and interacting with us all.

I think she enjoyed going out as much as she could and I think it also did the rest of the family a world of good to see her like that. She still wont wear anything but black but it has only been 3 months and in time i'm sure that will change....i don't see it as that much of a problem but my other siblings do, i know she won't be pushed into doing anything that doesn't feel ok for her.

This is a difficult time of year for us all, Dean's birthday is in May, my sister is getting married, I am graduating and worst of all it is mothers day next weekend....i think that is going to be incredibly tough for mummy and I hurt for her but i pray she finds the strengh to get through it.

Thank you for reading as usual
Lot's of Love to you all
xxxx

[debmar]

Hi Lucie,
Five minutes before my husband died from a cocaine overdose, he told me he mixed my antidepressants with his. I was horrified that after using all this cocaine he went out mixing legal drugs? When I got the coroner's report that in his system was coffee, cigarettes and cocaine. I was relieved at that moment because for me that made more sense to me. Then after I pondered it over I said oh my God how much did he do, I've been struggling daily and I do keep asking that question to him. I try to have all my thoughts together talk about it here with the family and then they help me to cross them off my list in my mind. I know exactly how your feeling and I wish I could say to my husband your going to die tommarrow and hope that he would have thought twice, but for the addict it's just another day, another line, whatever. Like my psychologists says it's russian roulette and it is. You are in my prayers. I have given specifics here about having to in five minutes call 911 to save my husband and then watch him die right before my very eyes, it's the place to pour out your heart and the specifics.
Love, Debbie

[deedee]

(((my brother)))

All those "firsts" are so incredibly hard. The dread and the build-up are almost worst than the actual event.

I'm glad your mother agreed to go out for her birthday. Even though her heart wasn't in it, I think it's important to go through the motions. There's plenty of time to be alone with her thoughts and I've found time with my family to be very comforting. You're all feeling the loss of your brother and it's important to lean on each other.

As far as your mother wearing black, I see nothing wrong with that as long as she needs to. I did different things, trying to cope, and I really didn't care what anyone else thought.

What a truly kind and thoughtful daughter you are to have Dean's sapphire made into a ring for her. I know that's something she'll hold close to her heart always and think of you both everytime she looks at it.

You and your family remain in my prayers (((Lucie))) ... now and in the days ahead.

hugs,

deedee

[my brother]

Thank you ((((DeeDee)))
your words always offer me so much help, It is also comforting to know that the motions we are all going through are normal. I think my mother knows that she can't stay away from normality even if she doesn't feel normal. For mothers day we are all going to meet up in a old pub with James (my brother), Daddy and Tania. I don't think mummy wants to be in the house so the pub is a better idea. At all of these types of events we would usually have a meal at the house and Dean would cook for us all (he was a very good chef).

That's the way I feel about my mothers choice of clothes at the moment...my sister has said that if mummy is still wearing black by the time her wedding comes she will cancel it. She is very strange woman and has behaved horribly towards mummy but that is another story.

I thought the sapphire would be a nice thing to give mummy for her birthday. I knew she didn't want to celebrate but I thought it would be something which was about Dean which she could keep forever.

Thank you for your prayers Dee Dee, you are also always in mine.
Love to you
xx

[indigo]

(((Lucie))) prayers coming your way girl.
love indie

[my brother]

Thank you so much xx

[In memory of miracle]

(((( Lucie ))))

Thinking of you...
Bless, Trish

[Ideal]

You're a good daughter Lucie...keeping you in prayer!

[stacey4]

I am "waiting" TOO! I feel I just need to know,,, how much of what, killed my husband! (he died March 6) I am glad you got the news you needed to hear to get some closure! Hang in there, one day at time!
HUGS,
stacey

[outonalimb]

(((Lucie)))

what a beautiful gift for you mom! What a thoughtful, heart-felt thing for you to do! Your mom is blessed to have you, Lucie. I lost my brother to an overdose too...I know how badly it hurts.

Sending big hugs and prayers your way...