A mother's rant

[Peacefulpie]

I can honestly say that I don't know what to say to you...

I suppose I am reaching out, Hopeing... For what? hmmm

This year I survived the two most devastating realities I have experienced. The first was anguishing in its inevitability: The passing of my daughter. The second was worsened by its utter uselessness and avoidability: the deliberate way virtually every friend and acquaintance, has avoided and ignored me during this time of grief.

I do not believe that those who knew about Silly's death did not worry about me and my family. It is likely that many were concerned. But I know that most of my friends are parents, and dare acknowledge the aconformation that life is precious & fragile. Death is scary or unreal, and few can envision themselves in the position I have been in twice. In a word, they are ignorant about my feelings and how to react to them. my son passied in Feb, 1993 and now that of my daughter Aug, , 2004

A few have approached me with hearty, superficial greetings that suggested my absence but not its cause: "Well hello, nice to see you back" or "So , are you ready for the holidays ?" This was, for all its well meaning, very painful for me. I feel these people are just using trivialities as a way of saying, "These things are more important than her death, and I'm more concerned about today's weather than how terrible you feel." With uneasy smiles on their faces. "Perhaps you don't know that my daughter died." by some I get muffled response like, "Oh, yes... I'm sorry." It is awful to realize that these people I call my friend, knew about Silly, and said nothing.

I feel vulnerable and afraid that once again I will be turned away, and deleted. I need to have friends voluntarily open their hearts in sympathy,To me, your silence says, "Leave me alone, I don't care."

"My grief is now settling into anger & hostility. Everyday I desperately try to justify or focus the waves of anger and desolation that surge uncontrollably .

The intentions of my silent friends are unclear? How I am to heal from this devastating bitterness that is setteling in? Now it is essential that I be surrounded by people who care. It is not hard to give support, and say, "I am so sorry to hear about your loss." (Only one person has done this to me. Though I am not particularly close to him, his generosity has brought me cleansing tears.)

[Justme57]

Hello peaceful, I can in no way , even come close to the feelings you must be experiencing, but please accept a HUGE ((((((((HUG))))))) from me . To lose a child , Horrific!

I would like to share with you , a reaction I experienced from my friends, when my husband suicided. Although it was a different situation to yours, the reaction was similar.

I found that there were 2 kinds of reactions from my friends, 1 was as you describe, forced trivial greetings, and the other was ....silence. Like you, I was vulnerable, and for some reason I had a great pressure to " talk about it " , for months, but no one contacted me directly , and I felt very sad and sorry .

About 7 months after he died, a dear friend came to me in tears, and said that she felt dreadful for , in her words, neglecting me, but that she had been hugely embarrassed to face me , because she was lost for words, and did not know what tpo say to me , without hurting me . She just was mute. Several others , who had greeted me superficially , also expressed there embarrassment, and said that they had been uncomfortable for the same reasons.

I realise that this may not be much help to you at the moment, but i was quite surprised to learn their reasons, so just thought I would share it with you

please keep posting , you will find HUGE support and friendship here

HUGX
Lee

[Justme57]

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[Anna]

Hi Peaceful,

I am so sorry for the loss of your children. I cannot imagine the pain you must be enduring.

I have nothing to compare your loss with, but it is my experience that when you really need someone to talk to about a devastating loss, they are not there. In my opinion it makes people feel so uncomfortable and vulnerable, that they'd rather avoid it. I agree with Lee, that this may be a temporary thing and that, as time goes by, they may feel more comfortable in coming to talk to you. I truly hope that this is the case.

I hope that you can heal from this experience without bitterness. I hope that your heart can still be open. Have you considered seeking out a grief and loss group in your area. I know that local hospitals where I am offer meeting places for such groups. A close friend of mine attended one when her husband died and she found that it helped because the people there really did understand. At least, it helped her get to a point where she felt more accepting of the situation.

I shall keep you in my prayers and thoughts and I hope that you continue posting here.

[In memory of miracle]

(((( Peacefulpie))))
My heart is open to you...people are akward around grief, they are so afraid of "saying the wrong thing"...people dont understand that their words are really of little importance compared to the pain someone who grieves is feeling. For me, feeling free to talk about my loss and have someone offer me their love and support and just to quietly listen, you know? There is still some kind of "taboo" about talking about the subject. I'm so glad you came here and shared and asked for what you need.
Bless you, Trish

[deedee]

(((Peacefulpie)))

My heart breaks for you that you have lost two children. All I can do is reach out my hand to you and tell you that you are not alone here. I do not feel the bitterness you speak of, but I have felt the utter loneliness in bearing the grief of my son's passing. I wonder why people don't ask me how I really am, when I feel my pain shows in my eyes, my face, my being. I know they are afraid to speak for fear of opening the wound. Little do they know that the pain is there all the time and a kind word or touch and the willingness to listen can make all the difference.

If there is one "gift" I have found since losing my son, and it is not a gift I would ever have wished for, it is an increased understanding and compassion for others' losses. Please keep sharing here ... it has been such a comfort to me and there are many warm and wonderful souls here.

hugs and prayers,

deedee

[Peacefulpie]

My Dear Ones~~

Thank You!! So VERY much for your kind words and love... Today the grief was so unbearable that at moments I felt as if I couldnt breath~~

I have been a member of these boards scince my 3rd yr in sobriety I am now 7 1/2 ys in recovery and have worked though alot of emotion growth w/ many of you. The last 1 1/2 yr.has been to say in the least a test of faith and sobriety...
Yet I am sober!

The Grace of God... There go

[Peacefulpie]

The pain is overwhelming, the aching of our souls.
How will we ever go on, with these enormous gaping holes?
Day by day we walk through life, the wounded and the weary,
Reminders all around us, our eyes are always teary.
Then God will send a sign, if we are open to receive it,
He lets us know He's here with us, take a minute, really feel it.
Our babies know no pain or sorrow, they're in God's loving embrace,
Someday we'll be together again, in an awesome, loving place.
This is but a chapter, of God's perfect plan,
Who am I to question him, as he reaches for my hand?
God has a plan for us, for this I am sure,
As chapters of our life are closed, He opens other doors.
And when I have fulfilled, my purpose here on earth,
I will stand before my Lord, in a glorious rebirth.
Once again we'll be reunited, with our babies, happy and free,
Never again to be parted, for all eternity!
Peace to all as we each fulfill our purposes,

[Justme57]

Good evening peacful

Just a note to see how you are !

Thinking of you

HUGX
Lee

[Wolfstarr]

((((Peacefulpie)))))

I am heartsick for your loss. I just read your post...I have been away and just read it today, this morning. Oh I wish I could hold your grief for just a moment to give you respite.
You always have friends and warm caring people here who will listen and understand...I hope you know that.

Sending warm and healing thoughts to you, and prayers for peace in your heart. God Love you...