Any Tips

[TONYTEXAS]

Hi, I Was Curious If Anyone Had Any Helpful Hints To Cope With A Loss Of A Family Member? Thank You All

[Wolfstarr]

Hi Tony.

Coping with loss is individual and personal. It takes time and stages that one must go through to find acceptance and release.

Even though the word 'stages' is the most common way used to describe the grief process, it seems to give the impression that the issues of grief are handled in an orderly fashion with a definite and identifiable beginning and end for each one.

Nothing is further from the truth. All 'stages' can be experienced in the course of just a short time. And even though you have worked through a stage, it can resurface again and again as the result of a comment by others, a situation you find yourself in, or any number of other circumstances.

The stages are Denial, Bargaining, Guilt/Anger, Depression and Acceptance/Hope.
Talking about how you feel and feeling those feelings are important. Stuffing them away will only cause them to surface later again to be dealt with.

Tony, feel at home here and come to talk about what is on your mind. We have an attentive ear to listen and not judge you for what you are feeling...we can learn from and gain insight from you. It so helps to get it out of your head and out on here or elsewhere...we are here for you.

Hugs,

[TONYTEXAS]

Originally Posted by Wolfstarr

Hi Tony.

Coping with loss is individual and personal. It takes time and stages that one must go through to find acceptance and release.

Even though the word 'stages' is the most common way used to describe the grief process, it seems to give the impression that the issues of grief are handled in an orderly fashion with a definite and identifiable beginning and end for each one.

Nothing is further from the truth. All 'stages' can be experienced in the course of just a short time. And even though you have worked through a stage, it can resurface again and again as the result of a comment by others, a situation you find yourself in, or any number of other circumstances.

The stages are Denial, Bargaining, Guilt/Anger, Depression and Acceptance/Hope.
Talking about how you feel and feeling those feelings are important. Stuffing them away will only cause them to surface later again to be dealt with.

Tony, feel at home here and come to talk about what is on your mind. We have an attentive ear to listen and not judge you for what you are feeling...we can learn from and gain insight from you. It so helps to get it out of your head and out on here or elsewhere...we are here for you.

Hugs,

THANKS FOR THE DETAILED RESPONSE. IM JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS MAJOR LOSS. THIS IS THE WORST TIME OR MY LIFE. THANKS FOR THE WARM WELCOME WOLF.

[toforever]

thanks Tony, thank you for being! I Don't know your loss or you, but I read your words and feel your words in my heart. What sticks will stick and what slips will slip. Acknowledge what is and your heart will do what you can't see.

When I desire to teach I am ispired to listen. When I desire to preach I am inspired to be careful. When I desire to learn I am inspired to be patient. When I desire to help i'm inspired to be. When I desire to give up I realize a can't.

We all cope with life the best we know how. With that thought, I believe we can't judge others or ourselves...just our actions. I try not to think about greater or lesser, here or there, in or out, saved or lost...it all becomes the same touching the river that flows through the valleys that is perfect in direction.

Because we know not what we do...we need faith. Because we know not what comes next...we need hope. Because we know not how to love...we need to be loved. Receive with passive care what is offered from the river true. Receive what you need, it will then be given in it's proper degree. We can give only what we have. You should only really receive what you need, so receive and then you will have. When we have that which is true...then we can give what is due. With pain you can gain. Only after in light we will give true thanks.

Life and your life is precious, let yourself just be and apreciate all that is. Do the best you can and recognize you will fail. I believe only then we can know we don't know and be able to grow. Be docile and feel the pain as much as can bear. Do what you have to do that will get you through, but don't put up walls to block the light that heals. These are the times that tell us who we are if we listen.

This all may be out of line for your and my time, but only after being in darkness it seems to me to be the only way to ever see ourselves in the light. After passing through, its in the way that we do, that makes the way we become. Survive but don't kill life to do it. Many are alive but have no life, but with hope it can again be found. We all struggle. If we embrace it all, that is a sure sign we have life in us.

With love I only try to give you something. With care and a carefulness I try to give and receive. I pray for prayers, for us all to be open to receive true light and real love to guide you and I through. I pray for parayers, and I receive from you and for you too.

Don't give up just let go as you seem to be doing by asking for help. Be true...

[cwohio]

tony - the suggestion to talk about it is a good one. i am coping with the loss of my alcoholic husband just 3 months ago and all the different feelings come and go. tonight on the way home an ambulance passed me with its sirens and lights going and it brought back bad memories of all the times i had to call 911 when he was having withdrawal seizures. it's difficult but keep posting your feelings here or talk to someone. it does help.

[Wolfstarr]

"only after being in darkness it seems to me to be the only way to ever see ourselves in the light. After passing through, its in the way that we do, that makes the way we become. Survive but don't kill life to do it. Many are alive but have no life, but with hope it can again be found. We all struggle. If we embrace it all, that is a sure sign we have life in us"

Love that toforever....

Tony, how are you doing. Thinking of you tonight....
Peace,

[toforever]

Thanks Wolfstarr, that does make me feel better about what has come about. Problem is I have to practice what I preach. Life has it, in the way that it does test us, or God calls us to be true. Almost like words come to life to show how little we know, I had the loss of my dearest loved person yesterday. Its awful and horrible but my words come back to me as well as the other words like closure from other blog smog.

Not a death, as in she died so I know this all might seem out of line, but she is lost from my life and she holds part of me with her. The discussion on closure earlier and now later is interesting because I asked her to help me with closure before I came to this site and wrote. I need help stoping the bleeding, because we went from together all ways to complete seperation. I needed and asked her for communication and her presence to heal certain matters. I need to "I guess she doesn't" say/hear real apologies, give/receive real forgiveness, show/know real thanks, give love its justice, and say a true good bye with apreciation for all that was and a damn hug. I'm a bit effeminate like that.

It was in that way I said I needed closure, and stated what I meant by it as in mended and closing useless emotions...not closing like termination. It wasn't about togetherness in the flesh. She can't understand, if she could she would I think, and its like I refuse to believe it. I can't help judging her like a hypocrite because of her affect of Godliness now, while I was so much a part of everything she is. I believe this is wrong of me for this conceit and I can't question her beliefs, especially because she wrote God instructed her. Who am I to say?

I begged her to pray on it and be patient becase I know it is hard for her and I love her, but I was all to weary of a knee jerk reaction because she runs from things. i also asked please don't write me another letter with words that are like nothing on a single page with all things considered. To me this love is/was/is forever and no words could ever really do it justice, especially in a letter which just leaves me with more emotion with a void. Next day got a letter. She said she would give me closure and to never talk, write, or see her again.

I know I was in the wrong for the incident but to me that was just a moment in time and an effect not a cause as she used it. Anyway, I'm just venting now, but this pain has brought me a depression which I have never felt. She said God instructed her to do this, so in strange way I respect it, but in such a bitter way I resent it considering my beliefs and how she came to hers. There's so much cruel irony twisted in all this I feel cursed some how.

But it brought me to another level of understanding atleast, from words given to me from or by the Lord "I believe". Words from the wisdom of Solomon; all things are vain in this world. until detached from the vanities of the world the soul isn't really free to God, and only after can the world be seen with a free soul, from the eyes and with the united spirit of God.

I was like F### that, and where does that leave me? I felt hate for the first time in awhile. I'm trying to let go and free myself from myself but its like a monster eating my heart. I can be thankful in away for this harsh lesson because I know where I must continue to go, but how do you deal with this? Its only been a day, but I am afraid it will destroy me because i'm left with this wall like it all meant nothing to her. Maybe it didn't, I can't know and I don't know how to shut it down this way. I don't know how she can.

It makes no sense to me and the order and laws of things, so it is making my feel like everything I believe is S###. I know pain, I just don't know how to leave this yet keep it, keep it and leave it. I try to lift it but I don't feel any consolation yet. Nothing seems acceptable to me. Anybody?

Wolfstar, one of your poems said something about anger, should I appropriate this pain there for now? Forever? It's completely new to me, this type of wretched pain that cuts with a sword all that has been true to me. Any advice for this specific? I know I heard the advice and gave some of my own before it even happened, so strange yet not shocking. She said you will just have to deal with it, she really must have know idea how cruel that felt when I read it. Even these words will probably bite me in the ass, but I don't know what to do, so as to not let the life in me die while i'm forced to leave behind love that has been a true link in the life and love I have.

I believe I first some how glanced God or things in the way of God before in one moment when I was looking at her all bottled up with lies and faults and suddenly loved her purely without words, sight or thoughts. That is like the only part of my love for her that wasn't some how vain. Its just scary to think that small glimpse as powerful as it was is what I must not lose. Thats all stupid I guess there's more there I think that I can't see. I can't tell if I have taken the first step yet or not or if I even should yet. Bottled emotions show up somewhere right?

Sorry TonyTexas, I know it was your issue and I don't mean to compare as if who you lossed is the same type thing. maybe words to either could help for either of us or someone else though. I'm new to this blog realm, atleast writing.

[Wolfstarr]

((((toforever))))

I read your post with heartfelt aching for you. To lose someone is a grievous loss whether in spirit or in life. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

At this point in time with your grief, nothing will seem acceptable. That is part of the process. That is a pain you must work through. Your post is exactly what you need to be doing right now...getting it out of your head. Let the thoughts fly out through your fingertips onto the keyboard and let it go.
I read your poems. They are good. Write, write what you are feeling, be it anger, remorse, sadness, passion--your intense feelings right now is what passion is made of.
Your deep love for your loss is apparent.
I am including a thread here for you to read over, it is excellent and anyone who has lost a love whether through death or life can benefit from it.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ove-48141.html

Yes, if you are angry, express it! Bottled up emotions manifest in other behaviors--they have to escape and they do show up somewhere.
Express your anger in ways beneficial to you. Write what you feel. Go for a long walk or go smack a punching bag around. Give a primal scream (I have done this and it works) Give that emotional energy somewhere to go...get it out of you.
Keep writing. We are listening, caring.
My thoughts are with you. Keep the faith. You will be ok, you will.

Tony? How are you doing??
Peace to you both,
Wolfstarr

[toforever]

thanks much TONY/WOLF!!! I'm doing better myself although worse if you know what I mean and you do. Hit hard today, climbing!

[TONYTEXAS]

Originally Posted by toforever

thanks Tony, thank you for being! I Don't know your loss or you, but I read your words and feel your words in my heart. What sticks will stick and what slips will slip. Acknowledge what is and your heart will do what you can't see.

When I desire to teach I am ispired to listen. When I desire to preach I am inspired to be careful. When I desire to learn I am inspired to be patient. When I desire to help i'm inspired to be. When I desire to give up I realize a can't.

We all cope with life the best we know how. With that thought, I believe we can't judge others or ourselves...just our actions. I try not to think about greater or lesser, here or there, in or out, saved or lost...it all becomes the same touching the river that flows through the valleys that is perfect in direction.

Because we know not what we do...we need faith. Because we know not what comes next...we need hope. Because we know not how to love...we need to be loved. Receive with passive care what is offered from the river true. Receive what you need, it will then be given in it's proper degree. We can give only what we have. You should only really receive what you need, so receive and then you will have. When we have that which is true...then we can give what is due. With pain you can gain. Only after in light we will give true thanks.

Life and your life is precious, let yourself just be and apreciate all that is. Do the best you can and recognize you will fail. I believe only then we can know we don't know and be able to grow. Be docile and feel the pain as much as can bear. Do what you have to do that will get you through, but don't put up walls to block the light that heals. These are the times that tell us who we are if we listen.

This all may be out of line for your and my time, but only after being in darkness it seems to me to be the only way to ever see ourselves in the light. After passing through, its in the way that we do, that makes the way we become. Survive but don't kill life to do it. Many are alive but have no life, but with hope it can again be found. We all struggle. If we embrace it all, that is a sure sign we have life in us.

With love I only try to give you something. With care and a carefulness I try to give and receive. I pray for prayers, for us all to be open to receive true light and real love to guide you and I through. I pray for parayers, and I receive from you and for you too.

Don't give up just let go as you seem to be doing by asking for help. Be true...

THANK YOU FOR THAT BEAUTIFUL POST.

[TONYTEXAS]

Originally Posted by cwohio

tony - the suggestion to talk about it is a good one. i am coping with the loss of my alcoholic husband just 3 months ago and all the different feelings come and go. tonight on the way home an ambulance passed me with its sirens and lights going and it brought back bad memories of all the times i had to call 911 when he was having withdrawal seizures. it's difficult but keep posting your feelings here or talk to someone. it does help.

IM SORRY ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND. I HOPE YOU ARE OK. I WILL KEEP POSTING HERE SINCE I REALLY DONT HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO.

[TONYTEXAS]

Originally Posted by Wolfstarr

"only after being in darkness it seems to me to be the only way to ever see ourselves in the light. After passing through, its in the way that we do, that makes the way we become. Survive but don't kill life to do it. Many are alive but have no life, but with hope it can again be found. We all struggle. If we embrace it all, that is a sure sign we have life in us"

Love that toforever....

Tony, how are you doing. Thinking of you tonight....
Peace,

THANKS WOLFSTARR. SORRY IT TOOK AWHILE TO GET BACK HERE. IM DOING OK. ITS BEEN 2 WEEKS TOMOROW SINCE I LOST HIM. ITS VERY SAD STILL.

[TONYTEXAS]

Toforever. Im Sorry You Have Been In A Sad Area Also. I Wish You The Best. Maybe This Thread Will Help Us Both And Others. Thanks Wolfstarr/toforever.