Pre-emptive grief - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Dawn10 · 12-04-2005, 02:39 PM

I am having such sadness as I anticipate the death of my mom. She has many physical problems and has been in a nursing home for about 2 1/2 years. So, it is not the death that I am dreading, but feeling the loss and the feelings that accompany it. I find myself praying for her to just go quietly so she can be spared anymore pain. Then, I feel guilt for praying that way. I know intellectually that is normal, but those tapes keep playing my head telling me I am wrong to feel that way.
Our relationship hasn't been close, so I have mixed feelings. I love my mom, but haven't really liked her for some time. She has her own set of emotional issues, food addiction, etc that has made a healthy relationship fairly impossible for some time. Yet, she was the best mother she could be in her circumstances.
I am not sure what kind of feedback I desire, just the opportunity to get it on a page and perhaps if anyone has experienced anything similar I would appreciate hearing from you.
:e13j

Phinneas · 12-04-2005, 06:28 PM

((((Dawn))))

Both of my parents are disabled and chronically ill. I, too, have struggled with grief issues for years.

From my own experience, I can only tell you to let yourself grieve as it comes. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And, as you know, it comes in stages. Even with our parents alive, it is ok to grieve what is and what is to come.

I have recently decided to delve into ACOA, which is helping me work on some of my own childhood issues. Like you mom, my folks did the best they could with what they had. I don't need to blame, but I do need to process the effects on me so that I don't carry that stuff with me every day.

It's all a process, Dawn. Stick close to your god.

Blessings on you and your family.

In memory of miracle · 12-05-2005, 05:31 AM

((( Dawn )))
There is nothing wrong with praying for a peaceful death.It's a beautiful thing to do.God bless them and you.Prayers for peace and thank you for sharing that.
Bless, Trish

BigSis · 12-05-2005, 09:07 AM

When dad was sick and dying, I tried to remember something Mary Pearl (alanon, N. Littlerock, AR) said...

"See your parents the way God sees them."

To me, that means - as a little child. So I tried to see my dad as the child God sees... it brought me some relief. And since his illness left him comatose for the last weeks, it gave me a way to talk to him that brought me some relief.

I still greive for the parent I DIDN'T have... but not so much anymore.

I hope this helps....

TONYTEXAS · 12-05-2005, 09:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dawn10

I am having such sadness as I anticipate the death of my mom. She has many physical problems and has been in a nursing home for about 2 1/2 years. So, it is not the death that I am dreading, but feeling the loss and the feelings that accompany it. I find myself praying for her to just go quietly so she can be spared anymore pain. Then, I feel guilt for praying that way. I know intellectually that is normal, but those tapes keep playing my head telling me I am wrong to feel that way.
Our relationship hasn't been close, so I have mixed feelings. I love my mom, but haven't really liked her for some time. She has her own set of emotional issues, food addiction, etc that has made a healthy relationship fairly impossible for some time. Yet, she was the best mother she could be in her circumstances.
I am not sure what kind of feedback I desire, just the opportunity to get it on a page and perhaps if anyone has experienced anything similar I would appreciate hearing from you.
:e13j

HI, IM IN THE SAME BOAT AS YOU. MY DAD HAS BEEN IN THE NURSING HOME FOR 2 YEARS AND ITS TOUGH. IM TRYING TO BE GOOD BUT VISITING THERE IS HARD. NOW MY DOG IS VERY SICK WHICH IS REALLY KILLING ME. I DONT KNOW WHAT THIS POST WILL DO FOR YOU BUT I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I CAN RELATE. I WISH YOU THE BEST!

Dawn10 · 12-05-2005, 05:28 PM

Tony,
Sometimes just knowing someone else is out there and you aren't alone in how you feel helps. I know it has helped me just to have others listen to my post. If you ever need to talk just PM me!
Dawn

Jane63 · 12-06-2005, 11:50 PM

{{Dawn}}
Yes, it is a good thing that you started this thread and get some insights from others with what you are dealing with right now.

Quote:

I don't need to blame, but I do need to process the effects on me so that I don't carry that stuff with me every day.

Great advice! Remember those boundaries and sometimes it is also good to set them for ourselves.

Quote:

"See your parents the way God sees them."

WOW!!! So true!!

Thinking of you and yours {{Dawn}} and keeping you in my thoughts and prayer! Please let me know if there is anything I can do hun!
{{HUGS}}
Jane

In memory of miracle · 12-11-2005, 06:24 AM

(((( Dawn ))))

How you doing?
Your in my thoughts and prayers,
Bless, Trish

Dawn10 · 12-11-2005, 06:52 AM

Trish,
Thank you! I am doing pretty well. Mom was readmitted to the hopsital again on Tuesday, has a cellulitis infection in her leg and is on IV antibiotics. She will probably be released to her nursing home Monday or Tuesday. It is just one more thing to recognize that slowly she is shutting down. Her body just can't handle the normal things we are exposed to and she gets everything.
I had somewhat of a "pity party" yesterday. It was my birthday and the first time that I have not celebrated with both of my parents together when we have been in the same city. Dad took me out to dinner and we had a nice time, but there is that little girl part of me that wanted Mom to be a part of it, despite all the issues I have with her. Then I had to laugh that I was longing to have someone with me that is a bit toxic in their responses to me.! Sick huh?
Anyway, I am over that. I had a nice phone chat with my brother and 2 nephews up north and they had me laughing and looking forward to their visit here the end of the month.
Thanks for your prayers, Trish! Merry Christmas!
DAwn

In memory of miracle · 12-11-2005, 07:37 AM

Yes, (( Dawn ))
I remember how hard it was, watching my Dad decline. A pity party? Oh, Dawn...I don't think so. It is sad. In any case, I am glad you are feeling better today. I am glad you have those visits to look foward to. Prayers for your family.
Bless, Trish

12-04-2005, 02:39 PM	#1 (permalink)
Dawn10 Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Venice, Florida Posts: 414	Pre-emptive grief I am having such sadness as I anticipate the death of my mom. She has many physical problems and has been in a nursing home for about 2 1/2 years. So, it is not the death that I am dreading, but feeling the loss and the feelings that accompany it. I find myself praying for her to just go quietly so she can be spared anymore pain. Then, I feel guilt for praying that way. I know intellectually that is normal, but those tapes keep playing my head telling me I am wrong to feel that way. Our relationship hasn't been close, so I have mixed feelings. I love my mom, but haven't really liked her for some time. She has her own set of emotional issues, food addiction, etc that has made a healthy relationship fairly impossible for some time. Yet, she was the best mother she could be in her circumstances. I am not sure what kind of feedback I desire, just the opportunity to get it on a page and perhaps if anyone has experienced anything similar I would appreciate hearing from you. :e13j __________________ Dawn

12-04-2005, 06:28 PM	#2 (permalink)
Phinneas Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: fumbling towards ecstasy Posts: 2,614	((((Dawn)))) Both of my parents are disabled and chronically ill. I, too, have struggled with grief issues for years. From my own experience, I can only tell you to let yourself grieve as it comes. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And, as you know, it comes in stages. Even with our parents alive, it is ok to grieve what is and what is to come. I have recently decided to delve into ACOA, which is helping me work on some of my own childhood issues. Like you mom, my folks did the best they could with what they had. I don't need to blame, but I do need to process the effects on me so that I don't carry that stuff with me every day. It's all a process, Dawn. Stick close to your god. Blessings on you and your family. __________________ If ten people tell you that you have a tail... you might want to turn around and look.

12-05-2005, 05:31 AM	#3 (permalink)
In memory of miracle In Memory Of Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Connecticut. Posts: 3,738	((( Dawn ))) There is nothing wrong with praying for a peaceful death.It's a beautiful thing to do.God bless them and you.Prayers for peace and thank you for sharing that. Bless, Trish __________________ In Memory Of Teach only love...

12-05-2005, 09:07 AM	#4 (permalink)
BigSis On a tear Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Volcano Country! Posts: 3,240	When dad was sick and dying, I tried to remember something Mary Pearl (alanon, N. Littlerock, AR) said... "See your parents the way God sees them." To me, that means - as a little child. So I tried to see my dad as the child God sees... it brought me some relief. And since his illness left him comatose for the last weeks, it gave me a way to talk to him that brought me some relief. I still greive for the parent I DIDN'T have... but not so much anymore. I hope this helps.... __________________ No matter how spoiled the past may be, our future is spotless.... BigSis

12-05-2005, 05:28 PM	#6 (permalink)
Dawn10 Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Venice, Florida Posts: 414	Tony, Sometimes just knowing someone else is out there and you aren't alone in how you feel helps. I know it has helped me just to have others listen to my post. If you ever need to talk just PM me! Dawn __________________ Dawn

12-11-2005, 06:24 AM	#8 (permalink)
In memory of miracle In Memory Of Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Connecticut. Posts: 3,738	(((( Dawn )))) How you doing? Your in my thoughts and prayers, Bless, Trish __________________ In Memory Of Teach only love...

12-11-2005, 06:52 AM	#9 (permalink)
Dawn10 Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Venice, Florida Posts: 414	Trish, Thank you! I am doing pretty well. Mom was readmitted to the hopsital again on Tuesday, has a cellulitis infection in her leg and is on IV antibiotics. She will probably be released to her nursing home Monday or Tuesday. It is just one more thing to recognize that slowly she is shutting down. Her body just can't handle the normal things we are exposed to and she gets everything. I had somewhat of a "pity party" yesterday. It was my birthday and the first time that I have not celebrated with both of my parents together when we have been in the same city. Dad took me out to dinner and we had a nice time, but there is that little girl part of me that wanted Mom to be a part of it, despite all the issues I have with her. Then I had to laugh that I was longing to have someone with me that is a bit toxic in their responses to me.! Sick huh? Anyway, I am over that. I had a nice phone chat with my brother and 2 nephews up north and they had me laughing and looking forward to their visit here the end of the month. Thanks for your prayers, Trish! Merry Christmas! DAwn __________________ Dawn

12-11-2005, 07:37 AM	#10 (permalink)
In memory of miracle In Memory Of Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Connecticut. Posts: 3,738	Yes, (( Dawn )) I remember how hard it was, watching my Dad decline. A pity party? Oh, Dawn...I don't think so. It is sad. In any case, I am glad you are feeling better today. I am glad you have those visits to look foward to. Prayers for your family. Bless, Trish __________________ In Memory Of Teach only love...

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode