A year Oct.17th

[lovetoall]

Today Sunday, last year was the 17th of October- the day I lost my mom.
Tomorrow will be the date I lost her but not the day. Hard to live through two days of flash backs from hour to hour as I recall my steps and actions. When dialing her number repeatedly with no answer, I called 911 who broke in and found her. Her neighbor had to call me back to tell me. It all happened on Sunday at 6-8 pm. I can remember each feeling of pure pain both physically and emotionally.

My mother was an alcoholic and died from cirrhosis. We (she included) didn't even know she had it. She was very sick but in deniel protecting and sheilding me from the truth. This month has been hard. Today went to the cemetary replaced flowers and spent some time. I am numb but coping.

She had six or seven years of recovery from 94' -2000 but relapsed in 2001.
She was just 65 and I 32 her only child.
((((((((God Bless everyone here))))))))))))

Ang

[Wolfstarr]

(((((((((Ang))))))))))

Prayers for you, dear heart. and God Bless you, too.

Vivian

[Hopefloats]

(((Ang))) I understand the anniversary dates and the triggers that go with those dates. I know from losing my dad. Although I avoided those feelings for the longest time.

I am so sorry you lost your mom. As I prepare for this, it just saddens my heart. As I have said, sometimes I don't think I am in a place where I can offer the right amount of support. I don't know if I have the right words. But please know that my prayers are strong. I will pray for you to be comforted during this time.
God Bless!
Hopefloats

[deedee]

(((Angela)))

I'm a day late, but my thoughts have been with you. I haven't reached the first anniversary yet, and can only imagine how emotional and painful it must be. Let your tears flow freely, a tribute to the love you will forever carry in your heart.

Prayers and much love,

deedee

[lovetoall]

(((((Wolf,Hope and dear Dee)))))
Thank you and to all of you here. When I first found this site, after searching for a long while, I wanted to reach out to others in recovery, weather it be in AA or al-anon to feel as though I'm not alone. I understand addiction through years of experience and now realize it is up to the individual to conquer its controlling power. It takes tons of wheel power and desire and can creep up again even when you think you've won. Recovery is a life long battle that gets easier in time. My mom quit working the program because she was ashamed of her relapse. Even though I'm acoa, I too have to recover. I was with her through it all and never let go and never will.
I do let go of things I can not control, but because she was my mom, I never let go of my faith, love, honor and respect for her. I had issues with Step #1- how could I let go of the one who I loved more than myself. When I first went to al-anon- I was upset. I thought it would all be about how to get help for the alcoholic - I didn't want help for me. Now I get it, but at the time, my mom was in serious trouble.
I was her husband, her mother and last her daughter. That was all I knew since I was about 18. I think she never got over the death of her own parents and also after her divorce was completely depressed. My grandfather was in World War two in Pearl Harbor. When he returned from the war, he changed. He drank and influenced my grandmother who also began to have a problem. It caused them both to have heartaches in 68' six months apart from each other. My mom's brother was just 16 when he lost both of he's parents. My mom was just 28 and had been married to my father for six years. My mother's mother died at the age of 51 and so when my mom became the same age - freaked out and began drinking. I was, I guess, 14 but it became a problem when I was, I guess 16. As time past, I became busy with my own life going to college then going on to get my Master's. I knew she had a problem but I never thought it was that bad. Then my father left her and that's when it became worse. She went to rehab while I was in art school. After recovery in 94', she transformed back into the mother I always had. She was well for seven years- those were the best years of my life.
I wouldn’t write all this if I wasn't in good company...sorry to go on... but I need this site to recover, process, and understand a span of 17 yrs- lol.
She was so supportive with my career and my best friend. We would talk even at her worst, sometimes three times a day. I never thought she would die - others told me to prepare myself but I didn't listen. I thought she would just hit rock bottom and recover- but it had developed into something that took over her body.
I thought it was a heart attack but when I finally received the death certificate- it said cirrhosis. I couldn’t believe it - and feel so stupid about it. I should've known but hardly knew what it was. Guilt set in and still lingers but I know she knew and protected me from the truth.

I guess I needed to spill this out from inside and share a big ugly secret that only a few know. I need to feel I'm not alone and that I'm somewhat in a weird way "normal".

[Don W]

Prayers to you lovetoall, Today she's in a better place. She walks painfree with God. Today it is OK to feel the pain. However, it is time for you to move forward. It is time for your recovery from living in pain. We are all here for you. She is still with you. Show her that you are recovering also.

[In memory of miracle]

((( Ang )))

Your Mom raised a wonderful daughter.

[The seeker]

Sorry for your loss. It's never easy. Take care.