The Longest Year Of my life..it seems

[Hopefloats]

I am new to this forum. I spend alot of my time over at Nar-anon. Some of you know me, and I imagine some of you don't.

My daughter is the addict in my life. She is out there again after an attempt at recovery this past Feb. I found out about her addiction almost 3 yrs ago, I think. I have lost track of time lately..
My mom has alzheimer's and I have been caring for her this past year. She was recently diagnosed with cancer and she was given 3 to 6 mths to live. I found out on my birthday just this September.
Time is ticking away.

Most of you here that do know me, know that I am not well. I am on disability. Lately I seem to need to grieve everything, but I have no time to do so. I feel that I need to just go forward, because there are so so many things to get done.
Mom's affairs need to be in order, and I am taking care of everything alone. Hospice is involved, but I am talking about the very personal things.

I do have a very supportive and loving fiance. He asks nothing of me. If anyone knows me he does. He asks the "right" questions, which may be a simple "how are you today?" Most often he does not even have to ask. He is tuned in. We seem to have this unspoken thing between us. He knows when I need that space. He does not take it personal. If I am cranky, he loves me more. I can feel that love, through gesture. His gestures. Giving me time to cry, or just "be" is really a gift to me. It is about trust. I trust him with "who I am".

So...what is there to do? I work and live my recovery. But the pain is so intense at times, that I wish it would just stop. I want it all to stop and just go away. I don't want to look at my mom's frail body any more. I don't want to buy anymore baby wipes and wipe her butt. I don't want to think about what my AD may be doing. I am powerless, I am powerless...but there are things I must do. I don't want the nurse to show up tomorrow and tell me that mom has lost another 4 lbs in a week...and I don't want the delivery of medicines. I don't want to go downstairs every morning with the anticipation in my heart that I feel every morning wondering which day I may find her dead. I don't want to watch and wait for mom to cough up blood, like the doctor says she will..
I know this all sounds so morbid, but the feelings live inside of me.

My mother is dying. My daughter is killing herself. And I can have 100 years of recovery and live my life right..and there is nothing that is going to make this okay.

When you have lost your dad, and you are losing your mom and only child at the same time I don't believe that all the "acceptance" in the world is ever going to make that okay. I suspect that I will live my life happy, because that is who I am.
But I also know that I will live and die with a hole inside of my heart.

I am blessed with friends that ask me how I am each day. A real friend does not just call to talk about themselves. They share in those exchanges that real friends do. I am sure you are all blessed with those friends too. It helps, it eases the pain, but death is close to me right now, and I don't feel at all prepared.

This is only part of my story, and maybe I will share more at another time. Maybe I can offer some support to others, although, I don't know how much I would have to offer at this point regarding these kinds of things.
God Bless you all..
Hopefloats

[Wolfstarr]

(((Hope)))

Yes, it sounds morbid, but talking and getting it out helps so much, and we on this forum know the pain of loss.
I noticed on another forum that you had written some poetry. The two poems you posted were beautiful. Expressing grief is sometimes hard for us, and through readings and words, we see that all of us on this earth share this common bond.

Give sorrow words;

the grief that does not speak

Whispers the o'er-fraught heart

and bids it break.

— William Shakespeare, in Macbeth, Act IV, Scene III

Hope, come back and share more with us here...
With much love and prayers for you, your dear Mom and dear daughter,
Vivian

[Hopefloats]

((((Wolf))) thank you for your kind words. Some days lately, I just feel the need to ramble about things. Most days, I feel really strong, and then some evenings like last evening when I posted my thoughts, everything just felt like too much of a heavy load.

Again, thank you...I know I need to work through all of these feelings...and I will. We all know how beneficial support is. I guess we just need to reach out.
(((((hugs)))))
Hopefloats

[lovetoall]

((((Hope)))))- thinking of you-and I understand. Life is very hard - hope your daughter seeks help- just know you can only love her. I remember the helplessness-so very painful. I'm so sorry about your mom- be with her and hold her close.
Just know you're not alone - much love (((((()))))))

[Don W]

Hi Hope, Life can really give us a plateful. You seem to be overloaded. It is easy to suggest taking more time for yourself but, hard to do. Many times myself I feared that if I stopped I'd cry. You know hope? That OK. It is OK to to allow yourself to cry. It is OK to allow yourself to vent. It is OK to be angry about your situation. You mentioned feeling helpless because you are unable to change things. I think you've made steps in the process. Simply by sharing with us you've opened our hearts to another person that suffers. You've remind us that although we're in recovery there is still a need to carry our hope on SoberRecovery. Their are still people like your daughter that are being consumed by an evil, heartless addiction. Just being there if and when your daughter finds her way, will lend hope to others that read and are saved by your words. Your actions show us what your daughter is unable to see right now, your love for her, your unconditional love for her. I'll pray for you all, you might not find understanding but, in hopes you'll find peace.

[Hopefloats]

Hi Lovetoall and DonW (((hugs))) to you both. Your words of comfort touch my heart.

Yesterday I spent some time reading and watching something lighthearted on tv for a bit. Ya know it is odd. My mom's spirit is so strong, that I can be with her and think it is all so NOT real. But we had two bad nights in the past 4 days where I see her breathing changing at evening time. I called the Hospice nurse last night. Nancy, mom's regular nurse that sees her every week is going to set mom up with some oxygen. So..just a reminder that things are progressing.


Mom is not eating much. Yesterday I lined up her coffee table with different snacks, just hoping something may appeal to her. Everything from Halloween candy, chocolates and chips. Any food counts now. I offered her some beans and hotdogs at supper. I lied about the beans. Said they were home-made just to see if she would try a bit. SO true to who my mom is, she did eat a bit, just because she thought I baked them..Now there was a little "fib in a can"..lol

Do you know that every single day my mom still asks for Ad...she has never lost that thought. They were incredibly close all through life. ME? Well I got damn angry for a while. I envisioned me driving to AD's and grabbing her by the hair and draggin her arse all over town. Aaah, but my recovery has taught me not to react.

Well don't ya know I have more work to do. The anger has reappeared. And I will find a place for it...eventually. For now, I only feel my mom's pain and with that I know somehow she really does not understand.

ON top of, the mistake people make with alzheimer's is they think just because they cannot remember it eases things. Hmmmm, well my hands on experience is that they are more in tune with emotions. But they have lost most of the ability to communicate those emotions. I often wonder, just what it is that maybe my mom is thinking/feeling. Her eyes are still the window to her soul. I can often hear her story, without her saying a word.

Well, today is a new day. I have a thousand things to do it seems.

Again, thank you all..I appreciate it more than you know. SR has brought me alot of support. It has also brought me a close, close friend with someone here. That person may or may not read this. But each day when you receive that email where you know, someone is hanging with you, every step of the way, you know that God has truly reached out and touched your life.

If you are so blessed to have a special someone in your life like that..let that person know today, as life is really too short.
God bless you all..
Hopefloats

[Don W]

Hope, Even a moment of peace is heading in the direction of more.

[Hopefloats]

(((Don))) thank you..I think I will jot that down and keep it on my fridge...Those simple reminders are so powerful to me
Hopefloats

[indigo]

I am storming heaven for you hope.

lOVE indigo

[Hopefloats]

((Indigo))) thank you....My heart to yours..thank you..
Hope

[Don W]

Hope, How are you doing today? I was donating my platlets today and couldn't help but, think of your friend. I said a silent prayer for you both.