Wondering how to grieve my Dad - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Buttercup · 10-13-2005, 05:19 PM

Brand new to this site today, I hope I'm not screwing up with the protocol...

My Dad died last June and I feel like I don't have anyone to share my grief with. I live out of town, and was home with everyone his last week. We did really well that last week practically living in the ICU waiting room, praying and talking and crying together. But it seemed like, from the moment he died, my Mother and all of us got down to business making arrangements. My Mother is still just busy, busy and never calls. When I call her, she's chatty and I don't want to make her grief worse bringing her down. I have talked with my son some about the good times we had with Grandpap, but he's too young to burden with my grief. I have a few friends at work who gave me hugs and cards, but not anyone I'd feel ok blubbering with.

I feel like I'm not honoring my Dad because I haven't fully grieved him yet. Any suggestions?

Wolfstarr · 10-13-2005, 06:58 PM

Welcome (((Buttercup)))

I am sorry for the loss of your Dad, Buttercup. You are not screwing anything up and you are in the right forum...Welcome, glad you are here...

Grief is personal. We all go through it differently...and for some of us, it takes time, more time than others. For some, it manifests itself in different ways. It is an intricate process and individualized...so, your grief is yours.

You honored your Dad by coming here and expressing yourself. Let it go, buttercup--you can feel comfortable here and just let it pour out...
We are here to listen and support, and not judge. Care, concern, and respect for your grief process is why we are here.

Feel at home here, and grieve....
Peace and Prayers for you and your Dad and Family,
Vivian

Chy · 10-13-2005, 07:15 PM

Buttercup, my condolences on your loss. I lost my father 22 years ago and am still going through the process as I don't feel I've fully grieved his passing. I understand. Grief goes through stages of Anger, Resentment, Blame, and finally Acceptance. Remember him, talk to him, pray for him and you'll be honoring him. *hugs*. All in God's time when your ready you'll know it and you'll feel it.

blueyes78 · 10-13-2005, 09:09 PM

A good book that I read when I lost my stepdad was "Good Grief" by Granger Westberg. It explains all the stages we go through and how to move on. He died almost 10 years ago & I still don't believe I've grieved properly. I am so sorry for your loss. Hope the book helps.

In memory of miracle · 10-15-2005, 04:08 PM

Buttercup, I am so sorry about the loss of your Dad. I know it is a confusing, painful time. Welcome to SR, and I hope you will continue to share with us.We understand.
Bless, Trish

Buttercup · 10-15-2005, 04:51 PM

Thanks for the help. One of the things that scares me the most is that I feel so young to lose my dad and I still have so many years to live without him. Right now it doesn't seem real that he's dead, but if I live to a nice old age I'll have lived most of my life without him!

I still need him, I'm a single Mom with a little boy, and my Dad was one of the very few good men in our lives. My Dad was my night in shining armor when my husband ran off with a girlfriend a few years ago.

My Dad was always proud of me and wanted to hear about my life and laugh with me about funny things or laugh out loud when I'd tell him about something adventurous I did. My Mom just worries about me and asks how my diet's going and how my son's behaving. I don't blame her, it's just not the same.

Well now I've had a good cry typing this. It's been hard to let go and cry so I guess it's good to do.

Thank you

cwohio · 10-15-2005, 04:57 PM

tears are cleansing things buttercup - i am sorry for your loss. i am in the process of grieving my husband who passed away about a month and half ago. up till this point, i had not had a good cry in years except when my cats died. the tears still come when they will but i always feel better afterward. my mom died 13 years ago and i too don't feel that i have really grieved her death. come back and post your feelings - lots of folks here that will help you thru!

In memory of miracle · 10-15-2005, 05:09 PM

Buttercup, I know exactly what your saying. My Dad was always there for me too. When I was single with just 1 boy ( I have two now) he would always come and babysit for me so I could go to my meetings,when I got remarried and had my 2nd boy he was there to share in the joy, and when that fell apart he was there again. Thank-you for sharing your memories.
Bless, Trish

Hopefloats · 10-16-2005, 04:29 PM

Hi Buttercup..when I lost my dad, I remember not being able to talk about him for the longest time. I don't think I even worked through the grief process.
I am glad you are here with others that I know will be helpful to you.

My mom is dying right now..and I wish I had more to offer, but let me please offer my prayers....
and (((HUGS)))))
Hopefloats

Buttercup · 10-19-2005, 07:50 PM

Thank you for all your kind words.

It's curious that others feel like they haven't properly grieved a parent. I didn't expect to hear that, it's comforting in a way.

I had a coworker (heading out of town for a family funeral) once tell me, "We bury our elders, that's what we do." There was something so comforting in going through the rituals right around my Dad's death. One thing I knew was that I wanted to speak at his funeral. I'm so shy and cried a lot even at my wedding

, my Mom asked how I'd ever manage to do it. Writing down what I wanted to say word for word, practicing it over and over out in the backyard and in my car, and knowing how much I wanted to honor him, it went really well. Mostly I got surprised compliments because my extended family don't know me as an adult, but the best thing anyone said was my Dad's oldest brother, who said he learned things about my Dad he never knew from my eulogy. I'm really glad I did it.

I've been thinking about ongoing rituals that I could practice to honor my Dad. In Judaism there's a mourner's prayer said each year on the anniversary of a death. I think I need something more frequent right now, but I'm thinking it would help me to do something along the lines of lighting a candle, visiting a park he really liked when he visited me once, saying a prayer or poem, or planting something...

Don W · 10-20-2005, 07:57 PM

Hi Buttecup, Welcome and as far as the protocol? I don't think we have it but, just incase I got my flu shot today. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm not sure but, you mom might be doing what many of us do to avoid dealing with a loss or other unpleasent event. We r-u-n run. If we stop we'll cry or explode or both. The chatter I believe is a protection to keep others from forcing the issue. All I can suggest is to continue to try and celibrate his life. Nothing stops you from still telling him about your day or job or family. I guess it depends on your belief but, he'll hear. Just try and picture him walking with God, Pain free and enjoying his new begining. Together, they will watch you and he'll still have a few proud words to speak of you. You have already mentioned a few ideas. I can easily see why he was so proud of you, sounds to me that you mirror his view of life and those around you.

**Alera** · 10-20-2005, 10:50 PM

Quote:

n Judaism there's a mourner's prayer said each year on the anniversary of a death. I think I need something more frequent right now, but I'm thinking it would help me to do something along the lines of lighting a candle, visiting a park he really liked when he visited me once, saying a prayer or poem, or planting something...

Are you practicing? If so, I might recommend waiting until the Shabbat candles have blown out and, if you are orthodox, lighting a memorial candle afterwards for a few weeks. It will help keep a solumn mind focused on him while using the light for his candle to help you read, etc. And then you will know that light is coming from, in a spiritual type sense, from him. You can use that light as a way to keep him in your thoughts for a little while.

I did this event though I'm not Jewish anylonger. And the light from the candle was like him lighting up my life while still giving some functionality to me. As if he was guiding me in what I did under that light. So it was still a reminder of him. Does this make sense?

Buttercup · 10-23-2005, 11:20 AM

No, I'm not practicing, and I never converted from my Protestant upringing. My ex-husband is Reform and we've raised my son in Reform Judaism (of course, that's fallen apart and is a whole other issue since the divorce). I spent 16 years as part of my extended in-law family and many as a member of a synagogue, I guess what I keep with me is the beauty of celebrating religious rituals at home (not just at a public service). I really like the idea of coordinating shabbat candles and something for my Dad. That would be so peaceful. I'm really going to think about that.

Sticking with the religious theme of this post, I also like your suggestion Don, to picture my Dad walking with God. My Dad was very religious and completely believed, "to be absent from the body is to be present with the lord."

In memory of miracle · 10-29-2005, 06:16 AM

These are some beautiful thoughts on how to honor your Dad

10-13-2005, 05:19 PM	#1 (permalink)
Buttercup Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Georgia Posts: 4	Wondering how to grieve my Dad Brand new to this site today, I hope I'm not screwing up with the protocol... My Dad died last June and I feel like I don't have anyone to share my grief with. I live out of town, and was home with everyone his last week. We did really well that last week practically living in the ICU waiting room, praying and talking and crying together. But it seemed like, from the moment he died, my Mother and all of us got down to business making arrangements. My Mother is still just busy, busy and never calls. When I call her, she's chatty and I don't want to make her grief worse bringing her down. I have talked with my son some about the good times we had with Grandpap, but he's too young to burden with my grief. I have a few friends at work who gave me hugs and cards, but not anyone I'd feel ok blubbering with. I feel like I'm not honoring my Dad because I haven't fully grieved him yet. Any suggestions? __________________ Buttercup

10-13-2005, 09:09 PM	#4 (permalink)
blueyes78 Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Arkansas Posts: 18	A good book that I read when I lost my stepdad was "Good Grief" by Granger Westberg. It explains all the stages we go through and how to move on. He died almost 10 years ago & I still don't believe I've grieved properly. I am so sorry for your loss. Hope the book helps. __________________

10-15-2005, 04:08 PM	#5 (permalink)
In memory of miracle In Memory Of Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Connecticut. Posts: 3,737	Buttercup, I am so sorry about the loss of your Dad. I know it is a confusing, painful time. Welcome to SR, and I hope you will continue to share with us.We understand. Bless, Trish __________________ In Memory Of Teach only love...

10-15-2005, 04:51 PM	#6 (permalink)
Buttercup Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Georgia Posts: 4	Thank you for welcoming me Thanks for the help. One of the things that scares me the most is that I feel so young to lose my dad and I still have so many years to live without him. Right now it doesn't seem real that he's dead, but if I live to a nice old age I'll have lived most of my life without him! I still need him, I'm a single Mom with a little boy, and my Dad was one of the very few good men in our lives. My Dad was my night in shining armor when my husband ran off with a girlfriend a few years ago. My Dad was always proud of me and wanted to hear about my life and laugh with me about funny things or laugh out loud when I'd tell him about something adventurous I did. My Mom just worries about me and asks how my diet's going and how my son's behaving. I don't blame her, it's just not the same. Well now I've had a good cry typing this. It's been hard to let go and cry so I guess it's good to do. Thank you __________________ Buttercup

10-15-2005, 04:57 PM	#7 (permalink)
cwohio Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Litterbox City Posts: 6,140	tears are cleansing things buttercup - i am sorry for your loss. i am in the process of grieving my husband who passed away about a month and half ago. up till this point, i had not had a good cry in years except when my cats died. the tears still come when they will but i always feel better afterward. my mom died 13 years ago and i too don't feel that i have really grieved her death. come back and post your feelings - lots of folks here that will help you thru! __________________ *Learn to write your hurts in sand. Learn to carve your blessings in stone! - Unknown*

10-13-2005, 06:58 PM	#2 (permalink)
Wolfstarr Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Deeeep South Posts: 754	Welcome (((Buttercup))) I am sorry for the loss of your Dad, Buttercup. You are not screwing anything up and you are in the right forum...Welcome, glad you are here... Grief is personal. We all go through it differently...and for some of us, it takes time, more time than others. For some, it manifests itself in different ways. It is an intricate process and individualized...so, your grief is yours. You honored your Dad by coming here and expressing yourself. Let it go, buttercup--you can feel comfortable here and just let it pour out... We are here to listen and support, and not judge. Care, concern, and respect for your grief process is why we are here. Feel at home here, and grieve.... Peace and Prayers for you and your Dad and Family, Vivian

10-13-2005, 07:15 PM	#3 (permalink)
Chy Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: El Paso, Tx Posts: 5,862	Buttercup, my condolences on your loss. I lost my father 22 years ago and am still going through the process as I don't feel I've fully grieved his passing. I understand. Grief goes through stages of Anger, Resentment, Blame, and finally Acceptance. Remember him, talk to him, pray for him and you'll be honoring him. hugs. All in God's time when your ready you'll know it and you'll feel it.

10-15-2005, 05:09 PM	#8 (permalink)
In memory of miracle In Memory Of Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Connecticut. Posts: 3,737	Buttercup, I know exactly what your saying. My Dad was always there for me too. When I was single with just 1 boy ( I have two now) he would always come and babysit for me so I could go to my meetings,when I got remarried and had my 2nd boy he was there to share in the joy, and when that fell apart he was there again. Thank-you for sharing your memories. Bless, Trish __________________ In Memory Of Teach only love...

10-16-2005, 04:29 PM	#9 (permalink)
Hopefloats Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: With Good Spirit Posts: 377	Hi Buttercup..when I lost my dad, I remember not being able to talk about him for the longest time. I don't think I even worked through the grief process. I am glad you are here with others that I know will be helpful to you. My mom is dying right now..and I wish I had more to offer, but let me please offer my prayers.... and (((HUGS))))) Hopefloats

10-19-2005, 07:50 PM	#10 (permalink)
Buttercup Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Georgia Posts: 4	Thinking about how to honor my Dad Thank you for all your kind words. It's curious that others feel like they haven't properly grieved a parent. I didn't expect to hear that, it's comforting in a way. I had a coworker (heading out of town for a family funeral) once tell me, "We bury our elders, that's what we do." There was something so comforting in going through the rituals right around my Dad's death. One thing I knew was that I wanted to speak at his funeral. I'm so shy and cried a lot even at my wedding , my Mom asked how I'd ever manage to do it. Writing down what I wanted to say word for word, practicing it over and over out in the backyard and in my car, and knowing how much I wanted to honor him, it went really well. Mostly I got surprised compliments because my extended family don't know me as an adult, but the best thing anyone said was my Dad's oldest brother, who said he learned things about my Dad he never knew from my eulogy. I'm really glad I did it. I've been thinking about ongoing rituals that I could practice to honor my Dad. In Judaism there's a mourner's prayer said each year on the anniversary of a death. I think I need something more frequent right now, but I'm thinking it would help me to do something along the lines of lighting a candle, visiting a park he really liked when he visited me once, saying a prayer or poem, or planting something... __________________ Buttercup

10-20-2005, 07:57 PM	#11 (permalink)
Don W Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Charleston S.C. Posts: 1,459	Hi Buttecup, Welcome and as far as the protocol? I don't think we have it but, just incase I got my flu shot today. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm not sure but, you mom might be doing what many of us do to avoid dealing with a loss or other unpleasent event. We r-u-n run. If we stop we'll cry or explode or both. The chatter I believe is a protection to keep others from forcing the issue. All I can suggest is to continue to try and celibrate his life. Nothing stops you from still telling him about your day or job or family. I guess it depends on your belief but, he'll hear. Just try and picture him walking with God, Pain free and enjoying his new begining. Together, they will watch you and he'll still have a few proud words to speak of you. You have already mentioned a few ideas. I can easily see why he was so proud of you, sounds to me that you mirror his view of life and those around you. __________________ Captain America - On the side of good

10-23-2005, 11:20 AM	#13 (permalink)
Buttercup Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Georgia Posts: 4	No, I'm not practicing, and I never converted from my Protestant upringing. My ex-husband is Reform and we've raised my son in Reform Judaism (of course, that's fallen apart and is a whole other issue since the divorce). I spent 16 years as part of my extended in-law family and many as a member of a synagogue, I guess what I keep with me is the beauty of celebrating religious rituals at home (not just at a public service). I really like the idea of coordinating shabbat candles and something for my Dad. That would be so peaceful. I'm really going to think about that. Sticking with the religious theme of this post, I also like your suggestion Don, to picture my Dad walking with God. My Dad was very religious and completely believed, "to be absent from the body is to be present with the lord." __________________ Buttercup

10-29-2005, 06:16 AM	#14 (permalink)
In memory of miracle In Memory Of Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Connecticut. Posts: 3,737	These are some beautiful thoughts on how to honor your Dad __________________ In Memory Of Teach only love...

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