I'm tired of this

[Girlfriend]

I'm tired of the grieving. I wanna get on with my life.

I lost my Dad to colon cancer in 1997. My mom and I took care of him for 18 months while he fought it so strongly. He is my hero. Watching this big, strong man whom fought in WWII and the Korean War and was admired by so many, get down to a mere 97lbs was a shock for all of us (my two siblings, Mom and I).

5 months later, both of my grown children moved hundred of miles away to pursue their careers and college. That hurt, although, we parents prepare ourselves for that day and am so proud of them for doing well.....it's still hard to watch them leave.

My Mom was married to my Dad for 50 very loving years. They adored one another. After he died, mom had breast cancer and survived that, but because of the radiation treatments, it depleted her immunity and she developed tuberculosis for another year FULL of trips to the Dr's, hospital emergencies, drugs and more drugs and her just sitting in her rocker by the front window, looking out of it every day as if she was waiting for my Dad to walk through the front door.

THEN, she becomes better and wants to move to a very nice assisted living center and move on without my Dad. Make some new friends. She was doing that when 9/17/2002, she got up, started the shower and had a lethal heart attack inside the shower. The people that worked there didn't find her (although she pushed her wrist button for help at 8am that morning) until that afternoon. Shower water still on and her in the tub.

I get the phone call that I NEVER want to get again about anybody. "I'm sorry, but we lost your Mom today". I had just spoken with my Mom two days prior and we had a two hour talk that was SO great. She was having fun and things were good for her. "Not MY MOM! I just talked to her. She's fine!" and again, the voice on the phone said "I'm sorry! She's gone." THey had to tell me atleast 3 times before it sank in and then I fell to my knees on the kitchen floor, phone still in hand, hearing the person describe what happened to her, but I'm not listening to a word that's being said. Complete and utter shock.

I used to smell my Mom's quilts and pillows that she made just to get her smell after she died. To feel close to her. That smell has long been gone.

I had cancer surgery one year and one day apart from my Mom's death. I no longer have colon cancer, thank God, but I really needed her then.

My 15 yr marriage ended up failing because of all the loss and for other reasons. I just ended a relationship with an abf, one that I loved dearly.

It feels like everything I love, everybody I love.......leaves. I can remember being SO mad at the world for keeping going after both Mom and Dad's deaths. People going to work, kids going to school......life as usual. But, not for my brother, sister and I. Our world stopped.

I was a crisis counselor at Columbine High School on 4/20/99. I had worked with teen gangs before and saw driveby shootings, all so sad, but Columbine was something that I'll never forget.......as well as millions of others that that day so effected. Death was all around that day. It was so deep and dark, you could feel it. And, they were kids. Two kids killing other kids and one great teacher. Wounding others for life.

It's been one death after another. One major trauma after another and I feel stuck. I'm in therapy and do journal. Writing my thoughts here helps. I feel so all alone and have for quite awhile. I know God is there for me and I love Him for that, but I get so mad at Him sometimes.

I just want to live my life and get passed this pain that seems to go on and on. the day that happens, I will be SO grateful.

I have alot to be grateful for, though. I watch the poor people down in New Orleans and my heart breaks for them. I still have my house and my dogs and my job.

The one thing that really helps me is volunteering. I work at a major homeless shelter and love that. To help others gets my mind off of my pain. And I volunteer with the youth. To encourage them to use their talents and help keep them off of the streets.

Please pray for me because I'm getting weary........just like alot of people today in our world. "Without Hope, the people shall perish" is a proverb in the Bible. That is so true.

Thanks for reading!

[tai]

Prayers on their way.....stay strong, kiddo.

[louisedx]

Yes, we all have circumstances that causes us to feel down. But you do get tired when it seems you are having more than your share. Just remember the good times you had with your parents and forgive yourself when you are feeling blue. Jesus welped a long time and is still grieving how mankind has let Him down. And you are not the only one. To me loneliness is worse than the stuff our loved ones put us through, I am missing my ex abuser and said I don't want that any more. What also helped is when I heard two other women share how their significant other molested their own biological children. That made me realize I don't have it so bad, then tomorrow comes and you forget how bad somebody else has it when you are feeling lost and alone. Even God's children can make you feel more isolated than you already are. I am going to look at TV and try to think of all the things I have to be grateful to shake this lonely feeling way and remember God through the Holy spirit is always with us. Just got to grab hold of the Faith.
You are welcome and thank you for reading my response. Keep hope alive, give yourself a gift, forgive yourself, and take care of yourself as you get to know others.
Lady Louisx

[Pony]

{{{Girlfriend}}} I just lost my dad one month and twelve days ago. We lost my uncle unexpectedly just last christmas and my Aunt is currantly dying of liver disease. My boyfriends father has been terminal for two years now and is nearing his last few days now. Not that I am that close with him, I mean I do like him but we are not that close, but it affects my little girl and I am close with his wife (b/f 's step-mom)....and I feel for her.

anyway, just to let you know that I can kind of relate and am sending lots of prayers your way.

[lovetoall]

Girlfriend,
As you know, you're not alone. I'm so tired of grief too. Proud of all the wonderful things you are doing for others- that's great!!! Helping others does indeed help ourselves. When we experience so much pain, we begin to really see and appreciate life for what it is. My heart, understanding, and support are with you- keep walking through it with God by your side.

(((hugs to you)))
Angela

[In memory of miracle]

((( Girlfriend )))
You sure have been thru it.If anyone deserves to get on with it, it's you.So, get on with it! I think that living our lives fully,everyday, is the greatest tribute we can give to our loved ones who have died.Bless you, Trish

[Kylah]

Hi sweet heart sounds like its hard right now.i can relate you know I just lost my daughter, and i lost my mother and father to cancer,got a call yesterday that my stepfather now has lung cancer and will need my help.not shure why theese things continue to happen but,but all we can pray for is that threw all the paine there is a promise. "for I know the plans I have for you a future and a hope".sounds like God is using you in a mighty way,how wonderfull that is that he loves you so much to use you to touch other peoples lives what a privalage.