so sad

[danaedarling]

hello... i've been a lurker here for months, gaining insight to help me "deal" with my alcoholic husband... we were separated, but had no intentions of divorce... he was to use the time for recovery, and healing, and to get his "stuff" together so that we could "live happily ever after"...
in april, my father-in-law passed away, after battling cancer for a year and a half... my husband took it so very hard, and wasn't able to remain sober...
almost 3 weeks ago, my sweet husband died... because of our separation, i wasn't there... i don't know how he died (autopsy results take some time)... but i know whatever the manifestation was, it was alcohol that killed him...
and now here i am, feeling lost... devastated... guilty... so very very sad...
i'm having a hard time...
it really !!! bothers me now, that i was practicing "loving detachment"... that although i totally supported his recovery process, i wouldn't be involved... so now my eddie is dead, and i'm left feeling that i didn't do enough, didn't say enough... that he died feeling alone... and unloved... i hate this!!!
i'm not sure why i'm writing, maybe to try to get a handle on my grief... but maybe also, to let others know that loving detachment can go too far, and in our self protection we have to find a balance, between loving an addict and ourselves...
i'll stop rambling now...

[Wolfstarr]

((((danae))))))
Oh dear heart I can feel your pain...let some of it come off of you and share with us.

I am so sorry for your loss...I am sure eddie knew your love.
Peace is being prayed for you right now, for your heart.
Eddie is also at peace now...and now is the time to give yourself time to grieve for him and to come to know peace yourself.
You are not alone. Thank you for sharing that with us...you have friends here...we care.

Peace and Prayers to you now,
Wolfstarr

[danaedarling]

thank you wolfstarr... i appreciate your kind words...
i do understand the grieving process, tho i have never before been thrust into it like this... how does one process the guilty feelings? when i know that i should have done more, said more, been more???
aww man, i gotta go

[Josie]

Hi D....

I'm so sorry. I have to respond because this
also happened in my life only it was 27 years ago.
I was 23....went back with my husband only to split
up again....and he took it really hard and died
in a freak alcohol accident. He died in his
brothers arms and his last words were to take care
of me and our son.
This was all my fault. If I had only been there.
If I had just been civil our last conversation.
He called to tell me he loved me and I was cold
and distant. I flew into PTSD from a series of
events from his death I was so confused and
disoriented.
This burden is too big to carry and you have to
forgive yourself. You may want to talk to a grief
counselor to get these feelings out. This is not
your fault. How were you to know??? We don't expect
sudden death.....
Keep talking..we know..we care and are here for you.

You are not alone. Praying for you.

[danaedarling]

thank you josie... i'm so sorry that this happened in your life too, this is the most horrible thing...
its been an awful day... overwhelming...
he counted on me, and i let him down... it might not be my fault, but i contributed in his demise... if i hadn't been so f'in detached, he wouldn't have felt so alone...
i miss him sooooo much... even tho we didn't live together we talked more than some people that do... i miss our messenger conversations... i miss the good night phone calls, the calls just to say we were thinking of each other... i miss the prospect of being together again... my future is gone
i miss the smile in his voice, i even miss the boozy "i'm sorries"...
people have told me to focus on the good memories, on his good qualities, to be thankful that we had each other for the short time that we did... but, damn it! its not enough...
i just want my husband

[Josie]

Oh God so did I.

Even though we were having problems we still
had our whole lives ahead of us and I still had
my dream of 10 kids and the white picket fence.
We did have one child together who barely remembers
his father.

I just reread your post and it has only been
three weeks......I know that this is just too raw right
now..that you are in tremendous pain and shock and
grief. I promise you you will get through it...I
can't tell you how long it will take because
everyone grieves differently and this is a sudden
death with tragic circumstances.

But Danae....I'm thinking here...I just don't know
that many people that had happy death endings. We are not alone...there are grown children who never made peace with their parents who carry this guilt...parents who have lost their children to tragic accidents and suicides and did not get to say good bye or tell them they loved them. Or a rift that was never mended.
Or a lovers quarrel.....

I still occasionally have dreams about my husband
alive and well and happy....

I can hear how much you miss him....I am just so
sorry that you have to go through this.

One more thing is I truly believe when it is our
time to go that we will all be reunited with our
loved ones.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[KelKel]

Danae
My heart goes out to you.
Dealing with death and all the emotions that go along with it is a painful and confusing process.
You are not alone.

[lovetoall]

(((Danae)))
Holding you close with prayers and support- I too, understand your pain so well.
The first few months are so very painful. It's been eight months for me since I lost my mom to this awful disease and relate to your feelings of guilt. Detachment in al-anon is heathly but I understand what you're saying. I stopped going to meetings in 2003 due to this way of thinking. I just wanted to help her and not myself. I thought by going that I'd learn more about what I could do for her. I didn't care about myself and still do not put myself first. BUT.... when lies, trust and faith are broken due to alcohol, we need detachment to somewhat live normally. We tend to believe that they will come to find help when rock bottom hits. Unfortunately, sometimes it's too late for them to seek help. I went to the doctor finally for ME, haven't been in five years or more, and he said, "Angela, you could not have done anything, the liver was already damaged years ago". I did a lot of research about cirrhosis - it may help you to also visit health sites. The liver is the largest organ in our bodies and purifies our system. When it's overloaded for yrs. with toxins it can no longer function normally. After time it shuts down. Knowing all the medical information now- I would've placed her on a some distant removed island to save her. I would've had more heart to heart talks - I would've tried to educate her more. SO I'm right there with you on the guilt part of this painful journey. I'm sure if you look back, you would see that you DID do a lot for Eddie. Right now, you're beating yourself up which is completely normal. I have found that writing and reading helps the soul. Visit many support sites and just read stories, respond to others, write a daily journal of your feelings ect...
Throwing things or punching a pillow helps. I've wanted to go out to the woods and just scream - haven't yet but need too. lol I don't know if I'm helping but I relate with you and Josie. You may also want to make a doctors appointment- grief can take it's toll on the body too. Cling to your loved ones and put yourself first- even if it's very hard. Wolfstar was so right when (he or she) said that your HP will keep you from losing it. -You are NOT alone- even when you feel that you are.
Some days I feel I'm nuts- I have to remind myself that it's okay to cry and to take things slow...... one day, minute & sometimes seconds at a time.
All my love, support and prayers
Angela

[nytepassion]

Danae,

I am so very sorry for your loss ... I can imagine the what ifs that fill you mind and heart at this (to say the least) most difficult time in your life. I left my husband way back in Nov of 1994 in hopes that it would snap him out of a meth and alcohol addiction ...We had been separated for many years, but I never once stopped hoping he would get clean and sober. On Feb 9th of this year I was made aware that he had passed away ... though he had passed on Oct 16, of 2004 ... He had gone to the hospital and when admitted he said he was single therefore when he passed no one was notified right away. I felt so much guilt. He was labeled as a transient with no kin and had been living out in the woods (homeless) I had really distanced myself from him because he had been asking over the past couple years to come see the kids and I didn't want to let him back into their lives only to tear them apart again so I was keeping him at arms length ... When I found out he passed my heart was filled with guilt because I had denied him seeing his children for the last time in his life ... Now my kids would never have a chance to meet their dad ... I felt terrible ... and I thought if only I had let him come out here maybe this wouldn't have happened ... I cannot change the past, but I sure wish I had let him see his kids, but I have to say I made the right choice because he died from complications stemming from his addiction which had he gotten close to his kids would have made the pain for them far greater than it is ... Please know that by trying to practice detachment you did no wrong ... We have to take care of ourselves ... and when our loved one has an addiction they force us to have to do things in hopes of arresting their addiction so maybe they will finally get the help they so badly need.

May God Fill You With Peace and Comfort You,
Nytepassion

[danaedarling]

oh thank you all so much...
i'm not in a good space right now... eddie came home today... (his remains) it reminded me that i can't just wake up from this horrible dream...
but i needed to check in here, and say thanks...

[lovetoall]

(((((((Danae))))))) thinking of you
Hope you can take some time off for you. Although being on a schedule helps to stay in the "norm", take things slow and know it's okay to do so.

Hope you're holding up today,
Angela

[Time2Surrender]

Im so sorry for your loss.

[deedee]

I'm sorry too (((Danae))). Years ago, I left my first husband, an active alcoholic at the time, not to punish him or to force him to change, but because I realized I couldn't save him and he would only take me down with him.

Please know I am holding you close in my thoughts and prayers today.

hugs and love,

deedee

[luluabel]

((((((Danae))))) I'm so sorry for your loss sending thoughts and prayers your way love Lulu x

[danaedarling]

thanks to all of you...
i'm still wishing that i could just wake up... feeling numb... and still expecting eddie to call... cuz it's all just a horrible dream, a terrible joke...
people tell me that "life goes on" and it makes me so damn angry... i don't want life to "go on"... i wanna go back... i want what i had, a husband who loves me... i want what i planned for, dreamed of; a future with that husband...
i know in my head that grief is a process... but in my heart i don't think it will ever end
nytepassion... a special thanks to you... i visited your memorial site, and have started one for eddie... now if i could only think clearly...
thanks again all
hugs

[Fire_Wind_Rain]

It took many years before I realized I could not save my boyfriend who died by suicide when in a meth induced panic attack with his house surrounded by police. When my husband and I were separated I always had thoughts of what we had, what I wanted, the picket fence, the dreams, etc. I realize now that it was very much my wants and desires projected onto the memory. Once husband and I did reconcile reality was nothing like what I thought it would be, and his drug of choice continues to dominate his life and love. I would not be surprised if one of the times I go out to see if he's ok, I find him dead.

I wish you peace and serenity.