I miss Kate.

[eddie z.]

And it's been twenty-three years today since she was killed by a drunk driver. You know how I'm always going "teehee?" Well, I got that from her. She was my best friend and I was only 15. This is when my drinking really took off. I felt so alone. Today, my mom and I put some pink roses on her grave. Her emblem was a dragon holding a rose, something like this:

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[findinganewme]

Oh my God, I'm so very sorry!

I'm sure she's looking down at you with a great smile and she misses you also!

You know, having two teenage daughters, you would have thought I would have taken a different path 3 years ago. I remember so many times, as a passenger, while the man I loved drove so plastered thinking ..... what if we crash ..... I wasn't thinking of me .... but of who we could have killed! When my daughter got her license, you would have thought I'd know better! Because he was a good driver and assured me he could drive, I was STUPID enough to believe it. But, quite honestly, I don't know how I've lived to tell this story. That isn't even the scariest part for me. I just know that there are so many people out there that do drink and/or drug while behind the wheel. We think we are invinsible while we're under the influence and believe NOTHING can happen. How wrong we were!

I'm so sorry for your loss! I think it's just amazing, loving, and wonderful that you've kept her memory alive all these years. You're a good person!

Here's sending you a great big hug in hopes that it will make you feel a little less sad!

Much love,
Maria

[eddie z.]

Thank you, Maria! You know, the ironic thing is that after Kate was killed I always swore I would not drive drunk, and what did I end up doing? Worse than drunk, I would drive when I could not see straight or was "on the nod" from opiates. And of course, I drove drunk, too.

I have put some of this in my Step-work, but I'm getting ready to start Step Nine and I'm wondering. How do I make amends for all that driving while impaired? I know part of it is not doing it again, but in addition to that? Any feedback appreciated. Thanks, all!

Love and hugs,
Eddie (no more :friday: :beerchug: ) Z.

[indigo]

Thinkiing of you Eddie I bet she's still "teeheeing"

indiog

[findinganewme]

Originally Posted by eddie z.

Thank you, Maria! You know, the ironic thing is that after Kate was killed I always swore I would not drive drunk, and what did I end up doing? Worse than drunk, I would drive when I could not see straight or was "on the nod" from opiates. And of course, I drove drunk, too.

I have put some of this in my Step-work, but I'm getting ready to start Step Nine and I'm wondering. How do I make amends for all that driving while impaired? I know part of it is not doing it again, but in addition to that? Any feedback appreciated. Thanks, all!

Love and hugs,
Eddie (no more :friday: :beerchug: ) Z.

Eddie,

Although I *never* drank and drove except for once April 25th .... when I decided NO MORE! I was surrounded by cops and detectives while stopped at a green light staring into space with an opened bottle of Jack! I had been searching for a friend's house (a dealer) for over 2 1/2 hrs. -- something that should have taken 10 mins. Through the grace of God and all my PLEADING ... telling the officers I had two children and that I never do this, they somehow let me go. The impounded my car, of course; but almost a month later I still am shocked and amazed (and grateful) that I was so lucky. Not just for not getting a DWI, but that I did not kill or injure anyone!

One other time (just the day before my sister's wedding), while driving home .... an hour and a half into my drive ..... I SMASHED INTO A TREE! The tree literally cut my car in half. I walked away with only a broken foot. However, because my eyes were glazed, I couldn't walk, etc. etc. after being taken to the hospital I remembered thinking "why is this cop still with me" .... he was adorably cute so I got a little excited (LMAO!) ..... that's when he said that he had to take me back to HQ to book me! I thought, WHAT? I can honestly say I was NOT drunk .... or how on Earth would I have been able to drive that distance. I had fallen asleep at the wheel. I was still issued a DWI .... I fought it in court for over a year, but I only managed to get it reduced to a DUI! While attending classes, I remember all the horror stories, all the tragedies they tell you about to scare the wits out of you so that you don't drink and drive. Having said that though ..... I did manage to many a time drive while *high* ..... my drug of choice somehow made me believe that I thought more clearly, I was MORE in control, I could focus better, etc., etc. Could you imagine what could have happened if I had been caught that night carrying or using??????????? There truly is a GOD!

SO WHY DO WE DO IT? The substances have such a grip on us that sadly it takes something mighty scary to make us realize the danger we are putting ourselves into!

Being very new to sobriety, I don't know how you make amends to the times you drove while under the influence. I am still trying to figure out, myself, how to forgive the things I've done the last 3 years. The nights I do sleep, I wake up thinking ..... OH, that was just a nightmare! How I wish.

So, I guess the answer for you, too, is to learn how to forgive yourself. I can't tell you HOW you go about doing that, 'cause Heck, I've just gotten past the step of admitting I have a problem ..... after alienating EVERYONE I loved out of my life!

Sorry, I am rambling!

OH, BTW, GERARD is a hottie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He looked awfully sexy in them tight pants in PHAMTOM! What an excellent, excellent movie.

Just remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE ..... don't know if that brings you any solace ..... I HOPE SO!

Much love,
Maria

[eddie z.]

Thanks, indie! I'm SURE she is, too.

And thanks again, Maria! Yes, Gerry is da man. drool drool.

So many scary things that just don't register when we're using. It took the threat of prison to get me into treatment. It's an absolute miracle I never wrecked a car or set anything on fire. I dropped so many lit cigarettes when I was nodding. Never stopped me.

BUT, today is different. Way different. Maria, are you going to any meetings? I highly recommend you get involved in a support program such as NA. It has absolutely saved my life. You can also learn how to forgive yourself like you were saying. I have great hope that these Steps, especially the one I'm on now, will bring me peace with myself and my past. You're in my prayers, sweetie!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[Wolfstarr]

((((Eddie)))))

Teehee. What a nice remembrance to use. I like it, Eddie. I think Kate would be pleased you use it in her honor.

Hugs to you,
Wolf
Ps who is Gerard? Let a girl in on a hottie!

[splendra]

teehee (((eddie)))

I think a wonderful amend you could make would be to forgive yourself for all the guilt you have carried....

[findinganewme]

Originally Posted by splendra

teehee (((eddie)))

I think a wonderful amend you could make would be to forgive yourself for all the guilt you have carried....

I will *SECOND* that, Eddie! You've worked long and hard at your sobriety, so you deserve to forgive yourself! I'm really not one to preach, but we have to start forgiving ourselves or we might be tempted to drown our sorrows like old times .... and I DON'T WANT THAT ..... for either you or me!

Wishing you a wonderful day!

Maria

[eddie z.]

Hey, and thank you, Wolf, splendra, and Maria (again)!

Gerard Butler aka Gerry played THE Phantom of the Opera in that movie. He also played Dracula in Dracula 2000, and Terry Sheridan in Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life, and more...Let me see if I can attach a good pic here.



Here's a very recent photo. Too bad you can't see what a beautiful blue his eyes are!
—EZ

[findinganewme]

Originally Posted by eddie z.

Hey, and thank you, Wolf, splendra, and Maria (again)!

Gerard Butler aka Gerry played THE Phantom of the Opera in that movie. He also played Dracula in Dracula 2000, and Terry Sheridan in Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life, and more...Let me see if I can attach a good pic here.



Here's a very recent photo. Too bad you can't see what a beautiful blue his eyes are!
—EZ

A *GOOD* picture you say ...... oh honey, I don't know that he could take a BAD picture ..... be still my heart! SIGH! OK OK ..... gotta stop! Do you see what you started Eddie ..... ooops, I did, didn't I! Well, it's your fault for including him on your website! He was just so amazing in Phantom of the Opera! Can you believe the beautiful young girl who played his love interest was only 16 or 17? NOW THAT'S NOT FAIR! NOT FAIR I SAY! To be so beautiful and talented at that age! And, to boot, she gets to play opposite sexy himself! Some things just shouldn't happen! LMAO!

[findinganewme]

oh, btw, pix didn't come through .... or maybe it's my PC!

Also, maybe you guys can teach me how to incoporate photos in messages ..... and in my profile ..... I haven't a CLUE!

Hugs and kisses to all!
Me

[eddie z.]

Originally Posted by findingme

Well, it's your fault for including him on your website!

Oh, my G*d, don't tell me you actually looked at my website! That was just an exercise when I was going to learn HTML. I didn't get very far, as you can see. But it was kind of fun to do.
—EZ

[findinganewme]

Originally Posted by eddie z.

Oh, my G*d, don't tell me you actually looked at my website! That was just an exercise when I was going to learn HTML. I didn't get very far, as you can see. But it was kind of fun to do.
—EZ

Ya got far 'nuf in my book ...... got to see HOTTIE! He does have amazing eyes! BUT, what did it for me (atleast ONE of the things he did for me .... LMAO .... NOW NOW!) is his amazing VOICE!!!!!

I haven't a clue how to set up a website ..... so consider yourself PROUD! I don't even know how to incorporate photos on here or my profile! D'ats OK sometimes anonymity is a good thing!

[eddie z.]

Thanks for the compliments, Maria! I don't know about Gerry's singing, but his "normal" speaking voice is awesome. I really dig his Scottish accent.

As for figuring out things on here, you'll catch on. Just play around with the menus and buttons and see what happens.

—EZ

[eddie z.]

I found out this morning that Kate's older brother, Michael, just died. I jumped to the conclusion that it was drug-related, but it was actually lymphoma. I feel so bad for their mother, Annie, also a recovering alcoholic. I can't imagine losing a child, much less two. She does have one daughter left. I feel like I need to do something for her, but I don't know what.

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[BigSis]

Originally Posted by eddie z.

Thank you, Maria! You know, the ironic thing is that after Kate was killed I always swore I would not drive drunk, and what did I end up doing? Worse than drunk, I would drive when I could not see straight or was "on the nod" from opiates. And of course, I drove drunk, too.

I have put some of this in my Step-work, but I'm getting ready to start Step Nine and I'm wondering. How do I make amends for all that driving while impaired? I know part of it is not doing it again, but in addition to that? Any feedback appreciated. Thanks, all!

Love and hugs,
Eddie (no more :friday: :beerchug: ) Z.

The MADD (mothers against drunk driving) and SADD (students against drunk driving) groups in my area coordinate a day every year at the local high school.

They bring in a wrecked car, get some volunteer students as victims, and stage the aftermath of a wreck caused by drinking. Then each victim tells their "story".

Additionally, they have people come in and share. The loss of your friend, followed by your drinking and eventual recovery may fit into an event like that... and perhaps help one person to not get into the car with a drunk, or perhaps hand over the keys.

You might consider talking to the local MADD group or your local church youth group or high school counseling department to see if something similar is in your area, or can be organized.

My kids were very impressed by the event, and gained some information on addiction/alcoholism as well.

[BigSis]

Originally Posted by eddie z.

I found out this morning that Kate's older brother, Michael, just died. I jumped to the conclusion that it was drug-related, but it was actually lymphoma. I feel so bad for their mother, Annie, also a recovering alcoholic. I can't imagine losing a child, much less two. She does have one daughter left. I feel like I need to do something for her, but I don't know what.

Love and hugs,
Eddie

Dammit... some folks have a rough path to walk in this world.

When you've lost someone, have you ever counted the sympathy cards? I did that. So today, I try to remember to always send a card to someone who suffers a loss. It seems small, but I remember cherishing those cards.

[eddie z.]

Thank you, BigSis!! That's a great idea about doing some service as an amends!!

I feel like I owe more than a card to Michael's and Kate's surviving mother and sister. I'm struggling against a resentment I've had towards them for many years. You see, that whole family was like my second family and I felt they didn't treat me very well when Kate died. I need to get past that and treat them like I would like to have been treated, you know? Need to call my sponsor, I think.

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[historyteach]

((Eddie)))
Too many losses for you right now...Please remember to take care of you...
I love you, Eddie...

Shalom!

[eddie z.]

Thank you, Debbie!! I'm doing OK. Don't worry about me. I love you, too!!

My mom shared Michael's obit with me and apparently he was in the Program, too, and died sober as best I could tell. I am grateful for that.

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[deedee]

Oh Eddie ... I'm sorry

No mother should have to bury one child, let alone two.

Prayers for Michael and his family, for Kate, and for you Eddie, because you care so much.

hugs,

deedee

[eddie z.]

Thank you, (((((deedee)))))!!

I'm planning on attending the memorial service, but it's not until May for some reason. It will be at the same church where we had Kate's, though in a different location because the church has moved. It will be strange to be back there for another memorial, although I go there often enough for other reasons, including NA meetings.

Love and hugs,
Eddie