Peeking in-----> "hello?"

[shutterbug]

Hi, Live suggested I might join this forum because I self-mutilate, but I don't understand the connection.

I mean yeah, I've lost an aunt to overdose and I've got a lot of grief and depression in my life, but I don't know how to talk about the things that hurt me. I don't know what really hurts unless it's in my face (ha). I block out so much and barely remember my childhood. I just try to go numb and I guess i've gotten pretty good at it.

I think I take my anger and hurt out on myself instead of others because when I self-mutilate I'm usually going over the things other people have said and how they say them and what I should do or what I should have said.

It's not a conscious thing really...the thoughts just start pouring in.

I don't understand it. This is all I know.

Jenna,

P.S. Hi Live, I've missed you too

[Tapery]

Hi shutterbug. Let me begin by saying that my preferred disposition of my objectionable words is to have them printed out on a piece of paper, have that paper delightfully crumpled into a ball, and tossed into the trash. This, however, will not reach its full potential of disposition unless it is accompanied by a little chuckle perfectly timed to follow the paper leaving the hand but prior to it hitting the black hole of gone. Seriously, I require a good measure of benefit-of-the-doubt on a daily basis but I am working on that.

I am sorry about your aunt. We, none of us, know what tomorrow will bring. I am sure she knew that you cared.

Marsha

[Live]

Hi, Shutterbug.
I guess it's just that we each have our own threads we talk in/on and mine is in the Survivors of Suicide and yours is in the Ptsd forum.
And I do miss you.
I have had two very bad days, things I cannot control...trying my best and getting shut down and frustrated....the system and economics are getting me down. So today my rent is raised 50% because Danny is here. My unemployment ran out in Feb. And they won't change my ticket, I have to buy a new one. And my passport got robbed so I have to go to Buenos Aires to the embassy and because of this bs my visa has expired.
I would bang my head on the wall but it would hurt.
It is also a nightmare trying to get my necessary meds here.
Anyway, I have a lot of worries at the moment, and would love to go to bed and cover up my head...but I have to get my ducks in a row in a hurry because it is sink or swim.
hugs,
live

[Wolfstarr]

Hi Jenna,

Good to see you here. Whatever you wish to express here, let it flow. I did on the Survivors of Suicide thread and I cannot believe I kept a lot of that stuff in. I was welcomed with loving arms and wonderful people to help me through. I had not experienced a suicide in my family, but I did come very close.
I don't know much about self mutilation, ...can you help me understand?
Here to listen to you and just be a shoulder or a friend. Not to judge nor to scorn, here to be connected...

Live, what an awful two days. I am praying for you, and sending healing thoughts your way. I missed you and good to see you again.

Peace and Hugs,
Wolfstarr

[shutterbug]

Dearest Live, things will get better. I just know they will. They have to! I'm sending you good vibes (and some prayers too).

I have missed chatting with you. I didn't mean to sound, well however I might have sounded. I just get used to things a certain way and have a hard time changing gears sometimes. I get comfortable in one spot. That is the spot i know and that is the spot I tend to stay in. Am I making sense? I try to push myself to visit other spots in life sometimes, but it overwhelmes sometimes.

Wolfstar,

I self-mutilate when stressed, depressed or repressing. I didn't realize there was any connection until recently. In high school and college, I had it down to a daily ritual. I'm highly embarrassed about it. I only recently, but with brevity, told two family members.

I don't cut, like most people associate as self-mutilation, rather I scratch my arms and mainly my face until I usually bleed.

I started it shortly after my parents divorced and my dad (who i lived with) quickly remarried. It's been a part of my daily life ever since then (fifth grade).

I've always tried to hide it until recently. I would never go out of the house or around people after a mutilation session. They usually last 1/2 hour to 2 or 3 hours. I would never go out of the house or around people without make up on. And I can't tell you when the last time I wore a shirt without sleeves.

Lately, with my current major depression, I haven't cared much about things, so I don't always wear make up (like today).

Anyway, that's enough for now. I can explain more later, but it's draining.

I think it really is more common than even I realize, but people are so embarrased about it to ever even try to figure out why they do it - let alone tell people about it. I've only told 2 doctors about it and that was extremely hard to do.

People are judgemental and I'm the kind of person that literally FEELS when people are judging me. I can't stand it and will do whatever I can not to be judged for any reason.

Anyway, thanks for listening and for caring.

Hugs,
Jenna

[Wolfstarr]

((((Shutterbug)))))

Thank you for explaining to me...that took a lot of courage and I appreciate and admire your openness.
(I, too, suffer from major depression and take medication for it. I get cocky and decide I am ok then decide not to take meds for awhile, then I am in a mess. I have to start all over again. My shrink says I am predictabley unpredictable.)

I am going to find more info online, thank you again.
Peace Love and Hugs to you Jenna--
Wolf

[ineedmydad]

Welcome Jenna,
God Bless you and your in my prayers,
Love and hugs,
ineedmydad "Nicole"

[lafever chris]

Seems to me your getting better just getting it out. We face our fears by sharing with others, by doing this it helps release the power of your emotions to a state of well being. Eventualy by sharing more and more you gain a greater concious with the spirit that lies in you. And in return you shall know peace. This is a process that continues in our daily lives. Sometimes thoughts of hurting ourselves comes from not dealing with stressfull issues that somehow get left on the back burner and as they arise we escape.


chris

P.S. The spirit that lies inside you, is a happy one.