A little more closure maybe?

[Debbie]

When Fred died and I received the death certificates in cause of death it said pending toxicology. I didn't ask for an autopsy as I didn't feel one was needed but the coroner could have overuled my decision.

Even though Fred was doing quite well in the for over a year, I wasn't sure if he used something or drank or did something else that may have contributed to his death. I still feel guilty that I didn't call 911 sooner, I keep feeling that I might have been able to help him....I hope this guilt can go away at some point.

Anyway, I received a letter from the coroner today saying that he had no drugs, medication or alcohol in his system so his cause of death was natural and the manner of death was natural. It was kind of a relief but it brough so many emotions to the surface again. I hoping in the long run this can help ease my mind a bit.

I do dread calling his mom and telling her. I think she wanted an autopsy but at the time I told the hospital my feeling was "nothing can bring him back."

So they have submitted a final death certificate to the funeral home for processing on 02/02/05 - my birthday - could that have a meaning. I think I read too much into things.

Anyway, I just felt the need to ramble a bit. Thanks for listening.

Sending love and hugs to all.
Debbie

[Gabe]

Deb,
It's natural to wish you could have done more under the circumstances.
I understand the guilt you're feeling and I'm sure it's going to go away with time.
You and I come from the same place because I read too much into things all the time.
Love you Deb.
Hugs and light coming your way,
Gabe

[Paulie]

(((Deb)))

Read to much into things....me too my friend. Maybe it is HP saying now he can rest on your birthday, mabye it is just a coindence.

Like Gabe said what you are feeling is normal. It still has not been very long Deb. Just give yourself more time.

Call his mom when you are ready.

Love you my friend.

[deedee]

(((Debbie)))

It's hard not to give in to the "what if's" or wanting to turn back the clock hoping for a different outcome. Fred knew you loved him and that means so so much.

Praying for peace and healing for you.

love and hugs,

deedee

[ineedmydad]

Prior to my father's dealth we all got restraining orders on him. My mom, my brother, and myself. He ending up still drinking in a hotel. I kept in touch with a lady at the hotel wondering how he was and went to bring him clothes one day and he couldn't even open the door for me he didn't know who I was he was plastered. Never saw him so bad in 26 years of my life. He was by himself and drunk....It scared me so I told the lady and they called 911...after he went to our family doctor I guess and they tryed to help him stop drinking but I guess he didn't want the help but he went to the doctor drunk...They should have put him in a hospital. I called his doctor which is mine also and begged them to help him I said he is in danger of hurting himself or someone else they said sorry we can't help but they gave him more medications like valium ect...A week after bring my dad his clothes and seeing him at his worst I got a call.....they found my dad dead laying across his bed in the hotel. They had not been able to get in his room to clean it for over 4 days.....they didn't even know how he died or when. They said it was probebly 4 days prior. There was a pool of blood under him....I asked to see his room and they would not let me. The lady I kept speaking with told me he quit drinking. They didn't find anything in him because he was dead for so long. I wanted the people to do more to find out what happened but they blamed it on a heart attack due to stopping drinking.....Could I have saved him YES....Everyone says it was his time don't worry nicole you couldn't do nothing about it....well, I sent him to that hotel....I saw him a week earlier and did nothing but tell someone he was bad....The hospital let him out 4 hoirs after he entered, he was not sober and they let him go back to the hotel drunk.......his doctor saw him drunk and let him drive from his office trashed !!!!! I felt like my heart got ripped from my body.....it was the worst feeling ever........and I still want to see where he died ....I wanted to see if the alcohol was on the table or if his pills were empty....They didn't care....I was 25 years old and they treated me like I was 5 !!! It will be one year Feb. 28 this year and still I have no answers to all my questions.......I understand your pain I really do.......I hope you can get closer at some point.......My prayers will be with you forever..

hugs and prayers,
Nicole

[Debbie]

Thanks everyone.

I was telling my friend about this and she gave me a nice way to think about this. She said think of it as your birthday present from Fred. The letter dated on your birthday and that he was clean. He wanted you to know that he was still doing well but things over the years just caught up to him. I guess I can try to think of it this way.

I sure do miss him.

[Gabe]

s for you Deb.

[Paulie]

That is a great way to think of it Deb.

Sending hugs Debbie.

I'm really proud of Fred for his recovery.

Don't forget what a gift you were to him. I watched you and know that's true.

I'm quite sure he misses you too.

Hugs

[Debbie]

Thanks all!!

Its funny I knew there would be certain times I would think of him more but wasn't expecting a coroners letter to be one of them. I guess knowing that he was doing so well makes it all still seem so unfair that he is gone. I saw him run his "Double Trouble" meeting every week for a long while and knew he was finally giving back more than he ever had.

Hugs,
Debbie

[mo]

Hi Debbie and everyone

I am waiting for an autopsy report on my daughter Mariam also. It takes so long up to 14-16 weeks for the results to be completed. The hospital where she died is also very interested to know what finally caused her death as she was expected to recover.

I know what ultimately killed her.. .her addiction. She wouldn't have been in the hospital if it hadn't been for her addiction. .she was shooting up in her thumb and developed an infection. Her body had been through so much in her addiction. Her arms were scarred so badly and she had Hep C. .

It is still so hard to believe that she is gone. I read somewhere that the grief gets real bad again at the 4 month anniversary . .has anyone experienced this?? But really what does it matter. .it just plain hurts that this disease won again. Love Mo

[Paulie]

(((Mo))) sending comfort to you and your family. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. You sharing your daughter with us helps keep this addict daughter clean.

May God bless you and your family.

[margo]

((((((((((Debbie and Mo)))))))))) You are both still very much in thought and prayer.

[Debbie]

Hi Mo

I know how you feel. In the end what does it matter how they died. They are gone and it hurts like hell. Fred died the very end of Sept so I guess I made it past the 4 month period. It was actually around the 4 month anniversary that I received that letter. It brought up a lot of emotions but I am not sure if it would have been that bad had I not received the letter.

I still go through the why and the what ifs. I am not sure if it gets better or not but as time goes by I guess I get used to it.

You are in my thoughts and prayers Mo.

Love,
Debbie

[In memory of miracle]

((( Deb ))) ((( Mo ))) Bless,keep the faith, trish