Why don't I cry?

[eddie z.]

I just found out yesterday that a friend I knew from meetings died New Year's Eve. This is the second death I've had since coming to recovery. But I haven't really cried at all. Am I just overmedicated? Supposedly I used drugs to avoid feelings, right? But, I swear, I had more when I was using—good and bad. I don't know what to think...Thanks everybody!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[Live]

Big hugs.

Look, I would like to talk about this alot with you. I lost my ability to cry long, long ago. Like decades. Meds or no meds. I just got it back recently. And honestly, because I am a child with emotions, I can cry over small things, but the big hurts, the real hurts, they are so deep, some things are too big for tears.

You speak of death. My son died 5 years ago by his own hands, I have broke down sobbing once, because I was drunk and my friend was probing. Even slightly asking for explanations of how I didn't save him. I sobbed. That wasn't real.

Some hurts are far too deep. They go beyond tears. Hurt and shock walk together.
Let us talk later, I apologize, I am very tired and not much coherent.
Too much hot weather and too little sleep.

I am trying to remember if you are open to Buddhist thought, but they are the masters of compassion and empathy, but it does not come in tears.

Don't chastize yourself.
Grief and hurt are personal.

Again, I am too tired to make sense. I will try to tomorrow, and I hope not to offend.

[Phinneas]

Eddie and Live-- I, too could not cry. My sister still calls me the ice queen. I think we all have our own ways of coping. Now in recovery, I am getting a little better, but feeling my emotions is still pretty new (and hard) for me.

I remember a couple of years ago experiencing deep and profound grief over both my parents having cancer. Yet I did not cry. I keep my head up and kept moving forward, doing whatever needed to be done. One day I was on the freeway driving home from work. Nothing in particular was on my mind. I was just driving and listening to the radio. Nothing special. All of a sudden I started sobbing so hard I could not breath. This went on for about 4 minutes and then stopped just as suddenly as it started. It was like a wave of grief washed over me. I was baffeled... I mean, I wasn't thinking about anything sad.

I have since come to understand that grief needs to be felt and expressed or it just gets stuck inside of us and festers. I think what happened that day is my body kind of took over physically get out that deep sadness that my mind had been trying so hard to keep in check.

Writing about things helps me a lot. My goal is to get the emotions out of me rather than stuff them inside and eventually use over them. It's a tool that I've found to be very helpful.

So, to cry or not... or how to cry? I don't know. I am seeking answers too.

hugs,

jojo

[Josie]

Eddie, I flew into PTSD when my husband died, this
was 25 years ago (long story) but I still feel
like I have not grieved his death "properly".
There were many more deaths to follow...grandparents,
my beautiful 23 year old niece, my parents. My
parents were terminal and I took care of them until
their death at home. I cried before they died but
not at the funeral and never since. I did everything I had to do though, I was great at making all the arrangements, very efficient and organized. I
remember all these funerals standing there numb,
and distant going through the motions.

Now here I am 20 some years later and finally taking meds and I cry like a baby. I absolutely could not feel for years and now it's like all this deep, sad, emotional pain is surfacing and I just can't stop it.
I don't know but you have me thinking.

I am so sorry about your friend Eddie.

Hugs,

[Cathy31]

Eddie
I think it will come when you're ready...maybe it's about self preservation I don't know, but you will cry, the release, when the time is right. I've hda kind of the opposite reaction to you - early sobriety - and rally emotional and CRYING more than I ever did - I NEVER used to cry, except when drunk and as Live said that doesn't count. I tell you think cause I too am on medication, but very slight, so it could just be your body waiting til you are ready?
I can't really give you any advice, except, go with the flow and be patient and kind to yourself. You give so much just on these boards alone, maybe your body / emotions are storing up some credit to use on you if you know what I mean?
Maybe you have also learnt how to express pain differently - ie by reaching out to others as you do here and outside with sponsees/friends...maybe that's the way you now deal with things, alot more constructively than simply crying?
I don't know, but just be patient and kind to you.
So sorry about your friend,
Cathy31

[Dawn10]

Eddie,
So sorry about your friend. I think Cathy said it best. You may be expressing your grief in different ways. That doesn't mean it is the wrong way to grieve or that you are cold or indifferent. So many times we feel grief and loss in other ways. There may come a time when it will hit you without warning, perhaps something will remind you of your friend and then "Wham" you feel the loss then. Feelings are feelings and they are never wrong. Don't worry about how society percieves how you should feel. The stages of grief hit everyone differently. My aunt passed away over 15 years ago after a LONG battle with breast cancer. My uncle, I am sure started grieving for her long before she actually passed, and he wsa remarried within 10 months. His kids were so upset, but now they understand he just grieved at a different pace.
Hang in there, friend! :xmasu

[eddie z.]

You all are wonderful...really! Thank you so much, live, jojo, Josie, Cathy, and Dawn! Live, I am open to just about anything, so feel free to say whatever. No offense will be taken.

I just think my meds numb me out. And I don't like it. Shoot, I'm on six prescriptions! And several OTCs as well. I'm doing really well, though, so I hate to question it.

It's just so cathartic (sp?) to have a good cry, you know? But it ain't happenin' for me. I have other losses in my past that I think (and my therapist would probably agree) I haven't mourned either. Maybe I should write about them on another thread?

Thanks again, gals, and Cathy, thanks for the compliments!
Love and hugs,
Eddie

[wenchris]

I remember clearly when my little brother died in an accident. I was only 18 but I remember lying in the bathtub to get away from all the insanity that existed. It was the first time I remember that I felt numb. I did not cry. I felt like I could not think. It was odd enough to be still remembered. It happened again right before my first alcohol induced abusive marriage ended and I ended up in a safe home with my kids It happened when I lost my Mom. It happens often now when I deal with my son. I believe it is a protective power we are given through our HP. I depend on it and I am not afraid anymore. We will cry when we can emotionally hadle crying and it wil help to cleanse us.

In nursing school we had long sessions on dealing with grief and the grieving process. To rememeber the process I used DooAhhBabyDooAhh Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance. We move through all the stages at ur own rate but you cannot skip a stage so it is useless to try. Recognize the stage you are in and you can come to a greater understanding of yourself.

This is not a very sweet post is it? But I hope it helps with understanding.
If we all cried he same tears on the same day we would create our own Tsunami.

[KelKel]

(((Eddie)))
I can so relate to this thread...
I have been on an anti-depressant of one kind or another for yrs. I have come to realize that I am so even-keeled on them that I rarely am able to just let go and have a long-hard cry to release some of my pain... I get frustrated.
I also noticed in the past when I have slipped or relapsed, that as soon as alcohol hit my system, tears were quick to appear and emotions floated to the surface...
But boy was I happy to be in a meeting the other day and opened up to share my gratitude for the group and the tears just started flowing, I was unable to even finish saying what I had originally intended... geeze go figure.
Why the heck can't I just have a good bawl at home when I am alone.
But I was relieved to know that on some level, meds or not not, I could still get choked up.
Thanks for letting me share...

[eddie z.]

Originally Posted by KelKel

I am so even-keeled on them that I rarely am able to just let go and have a long-hard cry to release some of my pain.

Thanks and you're welcome, Kellie! Is it possible to be too mentally healthy? teehee

I've gotten choked up a bit a few times while talking to my therapist or sponsor, but I won't let go in these situations. I get embarrassed or something and re-compose myself. I hate the not being able to speak part I think, but I do feel like I need to cry.

I know I CAN cry. Alot of the problem is me not letting go around others. My mom thinks the worst thing you can do is let someone see you cry at work. So I've kind of had it beaten into my head that that's not OK, even though I have done it numerous times in the past.

Love, hugs, and thanks,
Eddie

[Wolfstarr]

((((eddie)))))
Sometimes it's my state of mind I am in when I feel the tears come.
I am a crier. I could be a town crier...just kidding.
But really, sometimes I have no tears at all.
Other times, I see an old woman in
a restaurant dipping her teabag with trembling fingers, wrinkly wise face looking at the steaming hot water as she dips, alone, with her handbag at her side, I just break down. and bawl my eyes out.
I just don't get it. I have been on antidepressants for years, too.
A good friend in my alanon group--her husband commited suicide. It was so sad and he was so young...28. I just did not have tears.
Very strange indeed...something I have never been able to figure out.

Peace and hugs to you dear eddie,

I am so sorry about your friend.

Wolf

[eddie z.]

Thank you, Wolf! Yeah, I get a little "leaky" (as Mork from Ork would say) at odd times, too. And I did cry a little bit at the end of Elf. LOL.

Mostly I'm angry. As people say, at the disease. At these young men who essentially killed themselves, whether they "meant to" or not. I do alright with feeling anger I think. Sadness, though, I can't seem to muster.

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[Live]

I am glad the five stage of grief were posted. We all move through them in our own way. Tears or no tears are proof of nothing.
Someone actually had the ignorance and gall to say to me because I did not cry at my son's death that I didn't actually grieve it. They are nuts.
Some of us cry, some of us don't. We are all individuals, and I just trust the path.
I feel. And maybe sometimes it is because I feel it so keenly that it is beyond tears.
And that shock is put in us to protect us. It wears off at just the right pace for us.
I trust that completely.

[eddie z.]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

I feel. And maybe sometimes it is because I feel it so keenly that it is beyond tears.

Thanks yet again, live! The thing is, I'm NOT feeling. It's not just the lack of crying. It's the lack of feeling. I need to talk to my shrink about this, I guess. Remind me to do that next time I go!
Love and hugs,
Eddie

[Live]

I had a good friend who was on meds for bipolar and that is what he said. That is just dulled him down to not having the ability to really feel normally. Then he would go off the meds and wind up in a psychotic break and in the hospital.
wow that's not very cheery is it?
but it is bothering you so yeah i wonder what the shrink will recommend?

[eddie z.]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

Then he would go off the meds and wind up in a psychotic break and in the hospital.

Don't worry. I'm not going to do anything like that. I'm doing too well! Thanks, though, for sharing that, live.
Love and hugs,
Eddie

[Live]

Sorry, eddiez, I should sit down and shut up. My bf just told me he needed me to (this is the first time he has ever needed me to anything) not get myself in a tizzy.
I am in a tizzy. Well, off subject, but I have been here for 4 months and he will be here in 12 days! How can I not be in a tizzy???????
So, sorry, please overlook the tizzy I am in.

[eddie z.]

live,
I'm confused. Your boyfriend is here is the States and is coming to Ar-hayn-tina in 12 days? Is that the story?
—EZ

[Live]

yes, maam!

[eddie z.]

Tizzy justified.