another year...

[Gooch]

Yesterday was the 18th anniversary of my father's passing. Although it has gotten easier each year, and probably much of that is due to getting clean and working the steps, I still find one thing that returns to haunt me.

Even though we are not supposed to allow ourselves the luxuries of reservations or "what ifs", I can't help but wonder how much differently the relationship I had with him might have been if I had gotten clean before he died.

I woke the house up last night screaming, having some sort of nightmare and all I can remember about the dream is being chased. I was running or trying to drive away from some sort of spectre. I don't normally even talk in my sleep or have nightmares.

This morning I can only think of 2 reasons to have unresolved issues haunting me. One is the grief I carry that my Dad barely saw my potential, and the other is the projected grief I'm tasting as the relationship I am in changes dramatically. I've allready sensed the emptiness and void in my life that will come when she moves out.

Thank God for the process of recovery, and so many that are willing to share their daily triumphs over the daily life stuff and their self inflicted pain.
With everyone's help I have a way to sort through what is mine and not mine to deal with. I have a manageable portion on my plate most days.

I guess I felt it important to post this here not only as a record of my personal process, but as hope and incentive to anyone else sruggling. Although we cannot get or stay clean for anyone else, there is a great advantage to having living breathing people to make ammends to, and I also get great joy from seeing someone get this thing in time to restore their relationships with loved ones.

I wish you all the daily victory over the thing that would devour us.

[DesertEyes]

Hi there Gooch :-)

Originally Posted by Gooch

... I can't help but wonder how much differently the relationship I had with him might

have been if I had gotten clean before he died.

I have a lot of "what if's" with my biological family. What I have found is that no matter how much effort I put into "predicting" what my "future" might have been if only I had done things differently, it never changes my present. What works for me is to strengthen my faith in my HP to the point that I can let my HP take care of those past relationships.

I realize now that living my present life to the best of my abilities is the best way I can reach out to my old man. He passed away last June and we were never able to reconcile our relationship. As a result of working my program of recovery, especially the 4th and 5th, I have been able to feel compassion for him, and been able to turn over that lack of "closure" to my HP. I am now able to wish my old man some peace and serenity, wherever it is that he may be, and no longer hold any resentments towards him.

Originally Posted by Gooch

... I woke the house up last night screaming,

When I get those is from stress. It's a sign that my mind is reaching it's limits in dealing with all the stress in my life. Time for me to call my friends in the program and take a serious look at what needs improving in _me_. Usually it's fear, as that's my biggest weakness. Once I can re-build my faith, and trust in my HP, I can see the course of action I need to take to correct my life. Then the nightmares go away.

Originally Posted by Gooch

... the other is the projected grief I'm tasting as the relationship I am in changes dramatically. I've allready sensed the emptiness and void in my life that will come when she moves out.

My wife is leaving me. It has taken me a couple of months to trust my HP to the point where I can accept that. In my case, it's best for me as my sanity and sobriety are at risk if I stay in this marriage. I am filling the void she will leave with the program. I have 3 newbies in my life who's challenges are far greater than mine, I am attending Al-Anon in addition to AA, I am going to more meetings, and calling more people. I spend more time looking after my own physcial, emotional and spiritual needs.

With all the people in the program, all the meetings, recovery homes, help lines and what not it's fairly easy for me to fill that void with service. There is no shortage of people who need someone who will listen to their pain and simply accept them without judgement.

Mike :-)

[liveweyerd]

I get the nightmares infrequently as a part of the processing of the grief. After they have passed, I usually find they have brought me some resolution.
But sure scares the rest of the people in the house, eh?