Hard to see someone else

[renee18]

I have also had a hard time seeing my grandpa since my other grandpa died. Every time I see my dad's dad I thinki of my grandpa that died three years ago. This is my 4 Christmas without my grandpa but this CHristmas I am having a harder time dealing with it. I have to have Christmas with my family and my grandpa not at my house so if things get bad and I start feeling sad I can't remove myself from my family. Sometimes I just need to get away from them and write in my journal but i can't do that this year. Any ideas on how i can get through this Christmas?
Love,
Shana, 19

Hi Shana,

I found some aticles that might help. You may also want to look into some grief counseling if you feel you need some extra support.

Hugs,
MG

Grief and the holidays: Coping on your own terms

By Mayo Clinic staff
For most people, the holidays are a time of joy and celebration with family and friends. But for those who've experienced the loss of a loved one, it can be a lonely and depressing time.

Old traditions, cherished holiday songs and favorite recipes can all be painful reminders of a loved one's death. You may wonder how you're going to get through the holidays or worry that your sadness will ruin the celebrations for others. You may even start dreading the holidays weeks or months before they arrive.

But by understanding what you may face, sharing emotions or creating new traditions, you can celebrate the holidays — or get through them in a healthy way — even when a loved one is sorely missed.

Business as usual

Grief can be difficult to cope with at any time. But the holiday emphasis on family gatherings, social events and cheerfulness can exacerbate feelings of loss, isolation and loneliness.

"You know the holidays will be different without your loved one, and you may just miss them so much," says Christine Askew, volunteer and bereavement coordinator, Mayo Hospice Program at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn. "It can incite feelings of dread about the holidays."

Some people try to cope by adopting a business-as-usual attitude. There's little, if any, mention of the loved one who has died. That approach often results only in worsening feelings of grief and loss.

"The bereaved don't talk about their loss because they're afraid of upsetting others when they're celebrating. The others don't bring it up because they don't want to upset the bereaved," Askew says. "Everyone suffers silently. People are left alone in their grief and wonder if they're the only ones grieving."

Instead of pretending everything is the same, Askew recommends talking with family and friends as the holidays approach and the dread begins. Together, plan how you'll acknowledge your loss and share your grief, she says. You may want to set aside a specific time to remember, honor or commemorate the person who's died. It may mean sharing memories of the way they smiled, their habits and quirks, or what was special to them.

"Intentional acknowledgement that the person isn't there provides an outlet for grief," Askew explains. "It takes a lot more energy to not acknowledge it, and you may be disillusioned about how others feel. Acknowledging loss can make it easier to allow for celebration and move forward."

'Cancel' the holidays

On the other hand, some people prefer not to recognize or celebrate the holidays, especially if the grief is particularly fresh or raw. That's not the same as ignoring the loss, though.

Rather, it may mean taking a family ski trip out of town. Or vacationing to the loved one's favorite destination for a nonholiday-themed celebration of their life. Or simply going to a friend's home, away from painful associations in your own house. You may not be able to bear spending the holidays at home with the looming absence of your loved one.

"You can't run away from your grief," Askew cautions. "You take it with you; you acknowledge it. But doing something completely different than the tradition you're used to may be the best way for you to cope in a positive manner."

Find new traditions

Holidays are steeped in family tradition and ritual. But traditions can be both a comfort and a burden in the face of grief. Experience will tell you which ones to keep and which ones may need to be replaced with new rituals or activities.

If you try to maintain a tradition only for the sake of the tradition, yet it brings stress or anxiety and not comfort or peace, it may be time to abandon that one. Consider creating new traditions that honor your loved one in a way that brings you happiness, not sadness.

But know that you may initially face some resistance if you try to establish new traditions when others aren't ready to let go of old ones. Talking with your family or friends can help ensure their needs and concerns are also addressed.

Do unto others

The death of a loved one can leave you searching for meaning and spark a desire to reach out. For some, volunteering may be an answer. You may find comfort in doing something for others, Askew notes.

"It affirms that despite your loss, you still have something to give to others," she says. "It may make you feel like you contributed to an important cause and that you have something worthwhile to offer."

Volunteering — for shelters, prisons, libraries, hospitals or scores of other places — can also serve as a healthy distraction from the grief and pain in your own life. It may help you feel less alone and focus attention on positive contributions. Volunteering during the holidays can also mark the start of a new tradition, she says. Perhaps rather than hosting a lavish dinner, you and your family can volunteer at a soup kitchen.

Your public face

With the holidays often come commitments to attend family gatherings, office parties or religious events. You may dread going, fearing that you'll wind up weeping in public. You may believe you have to keep a stiff upper lip, that you can't wear your grief on your face. And you may not always be able to anticipate what will trigger your grief anew — a familiar scent, an off-hand remark, a special holiday song.

If you don't want to shed tears in public, you can take some steps to fulfill commitments while tending to your own needs. Say you're invited to a friend's party, for instance, but aren't sure how well you'll manage as others around you celebrate, while your grief seems forgotten. If you can, tell the host that you aren't sure how you'll be affected and so can't attend at all, or that you may need to leave early and suddenly.

Feeling obligated to remain despite your sorrow will only add another burden on top of your distress. It's OK to make an escape plan. Similarly, if you attend school plays, church ceremonies or other public events, consider sitting near the back so that you can make a quick exit if you want.

And if you do shed a few tears in public or break down in grief, don't give yourself a hard time about it, Askew says. "It may help provide others with the freedom to express their grief," she says.

This, too, shall pass

Don't give yourself a hard time if grieving is taking longer than you or others think is appropriate. Grief isn't bound by time. However, if your grief remains unbearable for years or thoughts of your loved one continue to bring intense emotional pain, consider seeking help from your doctor or a mental health professional.

But bear in mind that your grief may be worse during the second holiday season than the first after your loss. You may glide through the first holiday season numbed by sadness and busy handling wills and estates.

As the second season approaches, your grief may be sharper. At the same time, you may no longer be getting the emotional support you did earlier. Knowing that your sense of loss and sadness may temporarily intensify can help you prepare for it, Askew says.

When thoughts of your loved one bring more comfort than pain, and memories are more heartwarming than distressing, it's an indication that the healing has begun, Askew says.

"Always hold on to the hope that the holidays will be enjoyable again," she says. "That doesn't mean forgetting your loved one. It means paying attention to your grief and softening the pain. Loss is like a scar: It will heal over, but it will also leave a mark."

After a loss or tragedy: Coping with the reminders

By Mayo Clinic staff
When a loved one dies, you often don't experience that loss just once. You're likely to relive it on the anniversary of your loved one's death and on other special days throughout the year, such as a birthday or religious holiday. Even memorial celebrations for strangers who died in catastrophes or disasters can trigger the familiar pain and sadness of a loss all over again.

The return of these feelings is not necessarily a setback in the grieving process. Learning more about what to expect and how to cope with reminders can help make the grieving process a healthy one.

The return of old feelings

The emotions and memories experienced through reminders are called anniversary reactions. These reactions, which can last for days or weeks at a time, often give rise to a host of emotions and physical problems.

You may experience sadness, loneliness, anger, anxiety, nightmares and lack of interest in activities, just as you did when you initially grieved. You may weep unexpectedly or replay images or scenes related to the trauma. You might have trouble eating or sleeping, or develop headaches, stomach pain or intestinal upset.

Anniversary reactions can also evoke powerful emotional memories — experiences in which you vividly recall the feelings and events surrounding a death or tragedy. You might remember in great detail where you were and what you were doing, for instance.

Common reminders

Some reminders are almost inevitable, especially during the first year following a death. That's when you'll face a lot of "firsts" — the first holiday after your sister died, for instance. The first Mother's Day after losing your mom. The first anniversary of a national tragedy. Your reactions to these firsts might be intense, but you'll probably find it easier to cope with subsequent anniversary dates as years pass.

Reminders aren't just tied to the calendar, though. They can be anywhere — in sights, sounds and smells, in the news or on television programs. And they can ambush you, suddenly flooding you with emotions when you drive by the restaurant your wife loved or when you hear a song your friend liked so much.

Here are some other common reminders that may trigger your grief all over again:

Weddings and wedding anniversaries
Family gatherings
Childhood milestones, such as the first day of school, the prom, homecoming and other child-oriented days, such as Halloween
Other anniversary days, such as when you met, when you became engaged, when you last saw your loved one alive, when you took a big trip together
Even years after a loss or tragedy, you may continue to feel sadness and pain when you're hit with such reminders. Although some people think grieving should last a year or less, grieve at your own pace.

Beyond grief

On the other hand, protracted or intense grief can be unhealthy. If you find that your feelings interfere with your ability to function in your daily life — you miss work deadlines, have conflicts with family or friends, neglect your appearance or stop socializing, for instance — you may no longer be simply grieving. You may have depression, a treatable medical condition.

Symptoms of depression include self-criticism, feelings of guilt about the loss and even thoughts of suicide. If that's the case, it's time to get treatment. Start by visiting your primary care doctor to discuss treatment strategies, such as psychotherapy or medication.

Anniversary reactions aren't limited to tragedies involving your loved ones. Painful memories of something that happened to you personally, such as a mugging or a car accident, also can recur.

In some cases, these reactions can trigger post-traumatic stress disorder. Symptoms of post-traumatic stress include fear and anxiety, a lack of focus, sadness, changes in sleeping or eating habits, bouts of crying, or recurrent thoughts or nightmares about the event.

If you have these disturbing feelings for more than a month, if they're severe or if you feel you're having trouble coping, see your doctor or a mental health professional.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Prepare for reminders

Knowing that you're likely to experience anniversary reactions can help you understand them and even turn them into opportunities for healing. Some people create new holiday traditions or ways of honoring loved ones who have died. You may find that symbolizing or expressing grief helps you cope better than denying or avoiding it.

Attending public memorials and ceremonies that mark the anniversary of tragedies, disasters and other events that caused significant loss of life also can help. These kinds of ceremonies can help draw people together and allow you to share feelings with others who feel similarly.

You might find yourself dreading upcoming special reminder days, fearful of being overwhelmed by painful memories and emotions. In some cases, the anticipation can be worse than the actual day. You may find, though, that you work through some of your grief as you cope with the stress and anxiety of an approaching anniversary.

Coping strategies

Here are some other ways to cope with reminders of loss and tragedy:

Be reassured that anniversary reactions are normal and that their intensity will diminish in time.
Reminisce about your relationship with the person who died. Try to focus on the good things about the relationship and the time you had together, rather than the loss.
Plan a distraction, such as a weekend away or a visit with friends or relatives.
Start a new tradition in your loved one's memory. Make a donation to a charitable organization in the person's name on birthdays or holidays, for example.
If you find yourself becoming more anxious, sad or distressed by news coverage, limit your exposure to news reports about tragic events.
Draw family members and friends close to you, rather than avoiding them. Find someone who will encourage you to talk about your loss. Stay connected to your usual support systems, such as spiritual leaders and social groups.
Allow yourself to feel sadness and a sense of loss. Conversely, allow yourself to also experience joy and happiness as you celebrate special times. In fact, you might find yourself both laughing and crying.
Reminders can make your loss painfully evident, even years later. It's a reflection that the lives of others were important to you, and that you grieve their loss. But knowing what to expect can help ease your grief as time passes.

[renee18]

Morning Glory. Thank you for the post it was good reading for me. I know i can get through the holidays is just seems more harder this year. I will be with people i love and that helps a lot and I need to start icing my cookies to give people that is a new tradition that I have done ever year since my grandpa passed away.
Thanks,
Love
Shana

I know it's hard. My father died 6 years ago and I really miss him. My grandmother died when I was in my 20's and her death was very hard for me to accept. I remember having a very hard time. I had a dream then that helped me. I dreamed my grandmother was happier than I ever saw her in this life. I will never forget the smile on her face and the happiness in her eyes.

The hardest part for me to accept is the "forever". That they are gone forever in this life. I can sit and cry any time I think of that. It's very hard to accept.

Something that comforts me is that there is always a part of them with me. I sometimes think and say the same thing my father said. Sometimes I say something for the first time and understand for the first time why my father said it.

My grandmother taught me how to bake bread. Every time I bake bread she is with me. Every time I make bread donuts she is with me.

I can shed a tear with a warm smile on my face now.

Hugs,
MG

[splendra]

Dear ((((Shana)))))

I am so sorry that the holidays are so tough for you.(((((((BIGBIGHUGS))))) to you.

But, I am very impressed that you have the "big boss" of SR Morning Glory replying to your post not once but, twice!!!!

I am also very impressed that you are able to put into words what you are going through. You give a lot of people here hope because you are so aware at such a young age. If I had a daughter I would want one just like you!!!!!

[renee18]

Thanks Morning Glory again. Yes my grandpa is with me where ever I go and I know he is watching over me. I do see things in me that my grandpa did and sometimes I can laugh about it but sometimes I want to cry but my grandpa will always be in me heart and I am so lucky to have a person in my life that has touched me and that I love like my grandpa.

Splendra thanks about the daughter part. I am very aware of how i feel about my grandpa . Yes I can write it down and say what I want but i can not say it out loud not yet anyway. Thanks for the encouraging words. I will hang in there.
I have a big challenge coming on tuesday. Ia m going to chair a Al-Anon meeting and my topic is going to be self-esteem. IA m scared but i think it will be good for me.
Wish me good luck.
LOve,
Shana