How Do You Get Over Someone You Can't Remember?

[Blondie]

I have a kind of weird question and would like a little input on it if possible. When I was a little girl (about 6) my neighbor (he was 18) was killed by a drunk driver. I am over 40 now and cannot seem to get over this for some reason. My childhood was very traumatic to begin with (won't go into it here, it's to long, but similar to a lot of stories I see here). I've dealt with all of those problems in counseling (two counselors), and have made peace with the past and am now happy with who I am, but some nights I wake up and remember my neighbor's death and stay awake crying for hours and I try to desperately remember him (there's a lot of things I can't remember about my childhood) or I try to figure out what the problem is and why I am crying, but I KNOW it is over him. I get hysterical and cry like crazy when I talk about him to anyone. On those rare occasions when I try to ask about him it seems like an awkward topic to bring up to my family (my mother had a picture of him in an album, but it "dissapeared" a few years ago) and the subject is addressed as quickly as possible and the subject changed.

My question is, how can I deal with and mourn a person I can only remember being with for one second (literally). There just seems to be more to it all then that. Out of all of the stuff that has happened to me and I have dealt with and have made peace with, why would THIS still be bothering me? It doesn't make sense. Anybody have an experience like this? How do you deal with something like this? I've had two counselors and one wouldn't address the issue and the other one suggested I was the type to have multiple personality disorder (yikes), though she didn't come out and say I had it and she left it at that, so that is probably not the problem. I just want a straight answer. How do I get rid of this ghost in my head (that is exactly what it feels like)?

[splendra]

((((Blondie)))))

I am sorry that you are dealing with this issue. I am asking myself why won't anyone discuss it with you. Of course my imagination comes up with all kinds of things. Let me ask you why do you think nobody will give you a straight answer? You probably know the answer......most likely something inappropiate was going on between someone and this young man. If you cannot find out what was going on then try to piece it together in a way that makes sence to you......then let it go as best as you can.....

[Blondie]

In our family, unpleasent things are never discussed or totally denied. It is a brick wall.

There probably wasn't anything going on between my neighbor and anyone else, he was a very clean cut religious guy who would save injured wild animals and nurse them back to health. He was the one person in my life that was actually kind to me (the other neighbors near his age were the ones that molested me and I was considered a nuisance to my whole family). He wanted to be a minister and I had a huge crush on him. He wasn't perfect, but he had a really good heart and he was really good looking too. I think he felt compassion for me because he knew what was going on inside of my house (the whole town knew, especially after my mother tried to kill herself and then bragged about it everywhere). Out of everyone in my life, I always wondered why it had to happen to him.

I do have weird thoughts and feelings about that time and had a recurring dream when I was little about being in a car accident and then the hospital, so I know I was mentally effected in some way. I feel that I may have come upon the accident scene with my mother when we were going somewhere (I think it may have been the shoe store). She parked near the scene and got out of the car to talk to someone. When she got back in the car all she said (in a matter-of-fact way) is that it was a fatal accident, but I really didn't know what that meant and I knew NEVER to question her on anything because the wrong question would bring a slap acrossed my face. I don't remember what we did after that, but she never mentioned it again.

My mother is quite cold really and when I was a young teenager we came upon a car accident where the a man's body was laying on top of the windshield of his convertable. Nobody would go near and the car's radiator was still steaming from hitting the tree, but she got a tarp and covered the guy up with it (she didn't want to keep him warm, she just didn't want to see him). When she got into the car, she told my dad in a matter-of-fact voice that the guy was still breathing but was bleeding out of his mouth and coughing and smelled of alcohol. When the cops came she talked to them for a bit and then we went on our merry way--to a party!!! I was an emotional wreck and couldn't sleep for weeks and get chills to this day because the mark is still on the tree (it's been over 23 years), but she just acted like nothing had happened and just barely mentioned it at the party like, oh yeah, we saw some guy die on the way here. Pass the dip. I've heard her mention this incident only two times, and still in a matter-of-fact. She is that way with EVERYTHING, cold and emotionless, except when somebody makes her mad, and then, watch out, she can be horrible even now (but not physical anymore). Part of me still fears her.

There is a part of me that really doesn't want to talk about my neighbor because in all actuality, part of me doesn't want to let him go, but another part does. I feel like there is a selfish little kid in my head holding what memories I could have, but is afraid to let them go because she would melt away somehow and refuses to share.

Anyway, I think a big part of the problem is my mother. Emotions were never allowed in our house unless they were "appropriate". Crying was actually punished, anger was absolutely forbidden, and if you disagreed with my mother on ANYTHING you were slapped or kicked or beaten with a shoe and sent to your room (she actually beat my sister for throwing up one time). You would hurt, but don't you dare cry because she is right behind you kicking you as you try to get away (literally). Because of this, I believe I felt that it was wrong to mourn or feel grief when I was young and it was hidden away in a secret place so my mother wouldn't see it. I have no problem mourning now, when my brother-in-law was killed in a plane crash a few years ago, I had no problem showing my grief and feeling what I needed to feel (I loved him like a brother). I just feel like I need to find the "key" to unlock the door and find that little kid in my head, hug her, and ask her give me the answers. Does that make sense? Sorry to ramble, but I'm very frustrated and desperately want to find an answer.

[splendra]

Blondie-

I hear ya.....emotions were very strained in my family too unless mom was feeling them. I never knew when I might get slapped either.....

Anyway I had to just work on myself and put what pieces together that I could. Sometimes I run a theory by my mom now and she will tell me what really went on in her mind that is but, there is usually some piece that fits what I remember.

One of the most healing things I have ever done for me is to keep a picture of myself when I was a little girl on my bedroom mirror and look at that picture and see myself and tell that little one that I love her and will take care of her and I hug her and myself often. It has helped me in so many ways to have more confidence,and security in myself....I encourage you to do something simular and see if it helps....

[kentuckyfrogman]

Let me add a little if I might. I am a minister in recovery for some time and your story doesn't seeme odd to me at all. I have always wondered why some people who where so very good died and others you were evil didnot. Everyone has a book to write.... it's their life. and when their book is finished they leave. It may not make any sense to us at all but to our higher power it makes perfect sense. This mans purpose you will never know exactly but what every he did and whoever he touched was all he was ment to do.
He's at peace and I'm sure wants you to be at peace knowing that his life was not cut short because there are no accidents but that he fullfiled his destiny and when on to another plane of existence. He knew his destiny unlike many who have no idea why they are here on this earth. Don't morn his death but feel sorry for the person who killed him and has to live with that there entire life. You have everything to life for, it sounds like youv'e worked through most of your family issues and thats wonderful. now go forward to fullfill your destiny and help others, perhaps right here on this forum. Let the past go it cannot be changed life for the furture it's a blank page waiting for you to write on it.
revmichael