So many things are so hard to do

[Debbie]

Well with the service over and the kids on their way back home, I decided to move some of his things in the back room. I have no intention of getting rid of anything but I need to get into a routine and have things accessable that he used to be able to get for me. So I decided to make a little more room for me.

Not sure if this was such a good idea. I keep crying and wishing he was here. It makes me miss him so much and it makes me angry that he left me. My mind is a turmoil of emotions and some people just don't understand. They haven't been through it.

Anyway, I just felt the need to vent a bit and I thought this would be the most appropriate place.

Will the heart ever mend? Probably not, it will eventually have a bandaid on it but I think it will always be broken.

[Gabe]

(((Deb)))
Take your time.
Do things when they feel comfortable.
Let the tears come when necessary.
It's all a part of a difficult process.
Sending love and light your way,
Gabe

[Ann]

Sending hugs Debbie, and lots of love. Anger, as bad as it feels is a part of grief, so let it fly all you want. Tell us, tell him, tell the tree outside your window if it helps, but just let it fly.

Heartfelt Hugs
Ann

[Debbie]

I know the emotions are okay. I just feel like I am loosing it sometimes. I don't think I've ever experienced this kind of pain before. Sometimes I think it will never go away.

I am sad that he is gone, I get mad at him for leaving, I get mad at me for crying, I just want to be semi normal and its not happening.

I think after the service all my emotions were brought back to the top again.

I don't know what I am trying to say.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. I will probably ramble more later. Right now I have a headache and I think I better lay down.

Hugs to all of you.
Debbie

I remember six years after my husband died my kid's cat got hit by a car and was killed late at night. I was out in the back yard digging a hole so I could bury the cat and the anger finally hit the surface. I was out there in the dark screaming at my husband for leaving me with all the responsibility. Digging and yelling. I'm sure my neighbors thought I was crazy.

I have never been through such pain. Waking up in the morning and for a split minute forgetting what happened and then reality would hit hard. I know that feeling of losing it. I lost it a couple of times. Panic attacks and nightmares. Trying to smell his things to bring just a little of him back. Laying in bed hugging his pillow. Wearing his clothes to bed so I could feel close to him.

I know how hard it is Debbie. It's overwhelming to try to accept this and why should we have to accept unacceptable things like this. Death really makes me angry and it rips our hearts apart.

I don't hurt anymore. Time really did heal that deep wound. There is still a little part of me the kicks death now and then. It still makes me angry.

I know there is nothing we can do to ease your pain. I know how lonely that can be. Everyone quickly goes on with their lives and leaves you alone and broken. They go on in their happiness and you have to begin to hide your pain and pretend that everything is normal. I use to cry and pray a lot in bathrooms when no one was looking.

Love you Debbie,

MG

[splendra]

((((((Debbie))))))

[Gabe]

Oh Deb, who's normal? You know?
We all get through what we have to get through the best way we know how.
Ramble away, whenever you need to.

[Debbie]

{{{{{{family}}}}}}

The highs and the lows scare me as the lows are so more frequent. I have decided to call the doctor and talk to her about my grieving problem. I know its okay to cry and feel the things I feel but I need to be able to function also. I hope she can help me.

Thanks for all your support.

Love you all,
Debbie

[splendra]

((((((Debbie)))))))))

Maybe a doctor can help but, also I encourage you to realize that not that much time has passed since you lost your husband. Your whole life changed in a day but, it is going to take much longer than a day for you to understand what direction would be best for you to proceed in......Try not to be hard on yourself. What you are going through and the way you are going through it seems to be quite natural. God must have a plan for you to continue otherwise you would not still be here. I want to point to your HP. I know the grief process is a lonely one. Your HP is there for you and so are we. I do not know how you feel about bible verses but, one that has helped me through so much grief is "the joy of the Lord is my strenghth" I have repeated that verse so many times through some very difficult times. It is written on my heart now and I really do believe it. Perhaps there is some verse that is waiting for you to claim....No I have not lost my husband so I do not know how it feels. I have been through two divorces,lost and found my childhood,and lost my father just when I was starting to like him and have grieved over the loss of a real relationship with my drug addicted syblings and husband. The dying days of winter does give fodder to spring...grieve well.....