Mourning a friend.

[RayRayRay]

I always come back to this site when I've lost my way....

A friend died this weekend. Thing is, as close as we once were, I haven't seen him in years. Though we spent so much time together when we were young, we just fell out of touch. I had no idea he had been battling cancer for 8 years. And though its been more than a decade since I spoke last to him, a feel so unbelievably saddened by his passing. In fact, it has turned me into a sobbing mess.

I want to reach out to his family to offer my condolence, my help....but I can't tell if I want to do it for them or for me. His brother (who also was a good friend of mine once) must be devastated. But will my making contact now make things worse for him?

I don't want to go to his funeral. I want to see him alive. Why didn't I try to see him when he was alive?

I'm a bad friend. I don't keep in touch with the people I once knew because I'm afraid. I've been self-medicating for as long as I can remember and I can't face people now that I am sober. I avoid social situations as much as humanly possible. If I had known he was ill, I'm not sure I would've made the excruciating effort it takes me to leave my home and go visit him.

So am I not reaching out because I'm afraid or am I not reaching out out of consideration? Am I being selfish if I stay quiet, or am I being selfish if I offer my condolences?

It doesn't have to be so complicated.....Why do I insist on making it so?!

[alaskasunshine]

REACH OUT!!! Oh yes, by all means, go to the funeral. When my mom passed, people came out of the woodwork that we had not seen or heard of in years, decades almost, and it was so comforting that they were there to share in our grief. And I too know the feeling of regret when I lost her, so many visits I didn't make to her, so many phone calls I could have made, so many conversations we could have had, love we could have shared. It gets better, it really does, and know you are not alone.
(((Huggs)))

[Katyrose]

Ray, friends do drift apart. Everyone has friends they wish they had kept in touch with, but for many various reasons, we drift. It is what it is. It's life. I think it would be really nice if you reached out and offered your condolences to the family. When my son died, it was comforting knowing how much he was loved, even by people he hadn't seen in years.

Love,
Katy

[Impurrfect]

(((Ray))) - I'm sorry for your loss. I've reconnected with people I haven't seen in more than a decade (some about THREE decades) and I'm sure his family would love to know he made an impact on your life.

Hugs and prayers to you and all who loved him,

Amy

[RayRayRay]

I went to the service but now I feel worse. I tried to talk to the family but it was so awkward. I ended up losing it when I spoke to his mother. I ran out of the funeral home so fast.....Now I feel terrible. I shouldn't have gone.

[scrambled2012]

Don't be so hard on yourself Ray. You are human. Welcome to the club.

[Impurrfect]

(((Ray))) - it's okay to have those feelings...needing to run out of there, get out QUICK!

I think you did really good. I've been to a gazillion funerals and I "got it" when people had to leave quick. It's not a bad thing, IMO, it's just being overwhelmed and maybe his family needed to see that someone else was doing what they felt like doing.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy