Feeling stuck in the aftermath....

[milo88]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to talk about this, but I am still really struggling after the death of my ex from drugs/alcohol 2 1/2 years ago. When I say struggling, I don't mean I am still the mess I was when he first died, but I just feel kind of stuck in time.
There wasn't much room to talk about it all after he died, and I find all that happened before he died still goes around and around in my mind - despite the fact that none of that is happening any more. It's all memories. But I was already traumatised before he died from the things that were happening.
I don't know. I'm frustrated with myself! I've been told I've probably got PTSD, but how does that diagnosis help? I still don't know how to help myself.
It's a complicated kind of grief because I hadn't come to terms with all the stuff that was happening, and then he died.
Intimacy is impossible for me now, it seems. People try to get close to me but I push them away. If they don't go away I feel angry - I don't even know why I'm angry! I just don't want anyone close to me emotionally.
I'm thinking that this kind of a death is different from others. All the taboos stop me talking about it with others, but I can't work it all out on my own!
I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way, and if anyone knows of anything helpful to do with all these feelings.....

[MsPINKAcres]

((milo))

please accept my sympathy in the loss of your loved one ~

from my understanding there is no time frame on grief or the time you need to heal ~

if you weren't in recovery (al-anon, nar-anon) during the time before the death - maybe you have the issues of living with active alcoholism/addiction to heal from and the grief of the death also that needs processing. . .

There are some wonderful people here to help you walk thru that on the different forums, maybe you can try face to face meetings, working with a sponsor, your Higher Power and even counseling if you feel comfortable with that.

All of these things have helped me deal with many things that I have encountered as I have walked my path of healing from the affects of this disease.

Please keep reaching out for help -
remember YOU are worth it.

PINK HUGS,
Rita

[justjo]

I know what you mean Milo. sometimes I feel so very alone with the death of my sister 2 years ago. Kind of that feeling that you were the only one connected with it. I think when you go through all the nasties with the one you love before their death its a double whammy.
Trying to understand or put things right in your head. Remembering stuff you really dont want to drag up again. Seeing that person at the most vulnerable but at the same time seeing them like the devil. I get it, its very hard.
Sad, angry, know those feelings. Im not sure what hurts the most anymore. I still get angry with her for leaving me, 'how am I suppose to get old without a sister'
Trying to accept it, what happened, its not our fault, it was their time, she needed to be free of it, she didnt have the strength to fight it anymore, is what helps me a little.
Im so sorry you have had to endure this too. Sometimes I look into the sky and ask her if shes watching me and her children. I know she is.
Be strong honey, keep busy.
JJ

[Katyrose]

Milo, you're wondering if anyone else feels the same way you do regarding pushing people away. Yes, I do. I lost my son to addiction 3 years and 4 months ago today. I still want to isolate from people who I feel don't understand. Maybe I will not always feel this way, but I just don't know. I'm sorry I can't give you better advice. Just wanted you to know that you're not the only one who feels the way you do.

So sorry for your loss. ♥

Love,
Katy

[milo88]

I don't know whether to be glad or sad - I'm so glad for the replies, but I also feel so sad that you all lost a loved one this way also. So so sorry )-:
But it really is good to know that I'm not alone with these feelings. I feel so much better just even posting this and talking to others with this strange lonely kind of grief - because it really is lonely - as you said justjo, as if you were the only one connected with it. In reality there were many, but it seems like we couldn't help each other.
Katyrose, thanks for sharing that you too feel that way about people and getting close. I didn't expect that to happen, it confuses me! I too am so very sorry for the loss of your son.
Hugs to you all. And thank you so much for sharing with me. For a second I feel normal again and that gives me hope! xxxx

[MsPINKAcres]

Hold onto that HOPE and please keep coming back!

We do really care!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

[wpasierb]

My husband died 2 months ago, and I can't seem to function at all. He died of Kidney & liver failure and every day it is a struggle to even breathe. We have a 13 yr old daughter and she told me that when she gets said she just puts is away until later. I wish I could figure out how to do that. I don't sleep, eat and if its possible to die of a broken heart I would.

[ulverston]

i broke up with my soulmate 3 mths ago.the pain will not leave me.its as if she died.
i cant stand the thought of her happy with another man.
its all my fault and i miss her terribly...
i pray to god she can find it in her heart to come back to me.
but she has major anger towards me.
i wish i could turn the clock back but thats impossible.
i loved her so much/regret and remorse engulf me,,this is the very lowest point of my life

[Mavis1]

you answered your own question, saying you can't do it on your own. I sought help after my husband died and it helped imensely..it really helps to share and get it all out hon. you'll be okay, you really will, give it time, everyone grieves differently. I started hiking and joined a gym, started doing things to get outside myself, spent a lot of time with friends, wrote in a journal, it is getting better you even said so in your message..maybe a little setback? I've had them, next day I get back on track if I can. it will be okay, really it truly will, you've made it this long. I was diagnosed with PTSD, counseling is helping me with that. I'm better, I don't feel so desperate, sleeping better and eating good, it's been 10 months for me, I do have my bad moments that is for sure but that is all they are. you're in the right place, sharing really truly helps, I don't know why but by being with folks that can identify with you, it makes you feel like you're not alone anymore. peace to you m