Parents divorced after 32 years

[ClayTheScribe]

So this may not be the most appropriate place to put this post, but I couldn't figure out where else to put it.

On Monday, my mom informed my brother and I that she was divorcing my dad after 32 years. Initially I was excited because their marriage had turned bitter, to put it mildly, and they had completely forgotten how to communicate (or maybe they never did). It was painful being around them because they were always sniping and one-upping. So I was fine with it for about two days. Then the anger hit me. Anger they couldn't be reasonable adults like they had raised us to be and sort this out. Anger that they were both too stubborn and selfish to take care of this. But mostly it was anger that my mom chose to do this before Christmas. I was also angry at my mom that she asked me if I could take Digit, originally my cat, but who belongs to her, in case she can't find a place that accepts cats. Then my dad said he was kicking her out of the house before Christmas which just made things that much worse.

Now I'm going to be put in the middle of this (though I have my own place) of trying to help both of them and be compassionate to both of them and letting them cry on my shoulder, even though they only have themselves to blame. So I'm dealing with anger, hurt, guilt, anxiety and depression that we won't ever have a normal Christmas. I know ultimately this is the best for both of them, but because they're immature, they've made it messier than it has to be. I'm not afraid of relapsing or anything, I just want to know what should I do with all these feelings?

[lauren]

I did rather go through something similar many years ago with my
parents..it was their battle and I told them I was not a foot soldier
for either of them..in so many words of course. It usually involves
a long story of a relationship that went sour somewhere along the
line of marriage. They reconciled in the end..I came to realize that
any marriage however long does get a little dull at times..none of us
interfered and let it take it course..
Don't define Christmas with their battle..define in a way that their
relationship is what it is..perhaps a suggestion.
Have one for a nice brunch at your house with the gift of love and
respect for one parent..then have the other for a later dinner with
time and respect for the other parent. This could be a new tradition for
you to have them both at different times and also because it is in
your home you can steer the conversation toward being a quality time.
When others come to your home somehow they are on their best
behaviour.
Make it new and fresh..this could be a new beginning that all of
you can appreciate to show respect for one another.

lauren

[MsPINKAcres]

((clay))

How painful for you ~ I truly believe it is harder for Adult children than it is younger children when parents divorce.

May I suggest that it may be a good time for you to establish some healthy boundaries with both of your parents - It's not easy to set boundaries with parents ~ for me that is hardest - but the most needed.

Your parents need to talk to their friends about their problems not their child. My mom was great about saying she didn't have any friends - My sponsor said - that was HER choice - not my fault!!

It is similiar to a death for you - so I believe you will go thru all the emotions - please give yourself lots of self-care and lots of meetings -

Please accept my sympathy - this is a painful time and yes Christmas is a difficult time - but probably there wouldn't ever be a good time.

PINK HUGS & prayers of healing for you and your parents - whatever their path may be!

Rita

[Joe3716]

My separation and eventual divorce after 21 years was a brutal time for my four children. My youngest was 12, her sister 17, and my sons were 19 & 20. My wife wanted out of the marriage and eventually started a relationship with a co-worker while still living at home. I was real beat up over losing my marriage, and my reaction had a devastating effect on the kids. I moved out after finding my ex and her new guy together. Both sons got involved with drugs and one of them has recently died with an overdose.

I think about how I dealt with the loss of my marriage, and the effect it had on the kids. We parents can be really stupid. I wish I could have some of the things I said back and not have put the kids in the middle.

Good luck to you.

[MsPINKAcres]

((Joe))

prayers of comfort for you in the loss of your precious son!

PINK hugs,
Rita

[Wolf_22]

ClayTheScribe, I've been in your shoes and it's pretty rough, yes? My experience occurred when I was between 5 and 6 years of age. Sometimes people think you can't remember much at that point in your life, but I remember everything that happened like it was yesterday. What a miserable experience it was.

All I remember being between both parents was a weapon or chess piece. It definitely made them forget who I was to this day... I've had nothing to do either of them, have no desire to ever have anything to do with them ever again, and regret having anything to do with them in the past. They make little effort on their part to have a decent relationship with me, too. So I guess it's a mutual conclusion.

As for your situation, you're older and have much more introspection invested with everything. This can be both good and bad. The first thing I would do if I were you is seek some assistance from an actual mental health professional. The reason for this has nothing to do with your current sanity but more so with your eventual sanity. Speaking to someone completely objective to the situation helps solidify many aspects of your psychology in a good way and since it would be someone who knows nothing about you, it would be a raw opinion with no strings or ties attached--no bias at all. This is a very valuable thing to have in today's screwed-up world.

If you don't have access to this, I would advise you to try to find a balance between providing your ear to those you care about and providing yourself with yourself. It's good that you're "being there" for your parents but don't let this cause you to forget about your own life because they are grown adults who should be able to handle their own fallout by now. If they can't, then they are the ones requiring a clinical consult. Don't get depressed about all this stuff and as cliche as it may sound, do realize that this has nothing to do with anything you have done. Kind of common sense, but sometimes not... It takes some time to truly grasp this cliche saying sometimes.

My personal values and beliefs led me to believe that true love never dies. I've never had any experiences in any religious systems that made me believe my faith was being tested down to its very core, but with love, I ALWAYS felt that it was a true test of faith for both parties involved. It's beside the point, I know, but the reason I bring this up is because it's worth considering now that your parents may not have been completely in love or else their love simply died. Maybe they *thought* they were in love and took this long to understand that they really weren't... Who knows? In any event, none of this is your fault.

You'll go through some changes over this mess. You'll experience times where you'll now have to coordinate schedules for things ranging from Christmas dinners to events going on at your school or whatever else you have going on in your lives. Depending on your parents' careers, you might even have to arrange for trips and so forth, but you'll get used to it and might even like it! After all, just imagine how nice it's going to be now to be around both parents without hearing them constantly bicker about stuff.

I wish you the best. I really do... I know it's painful now, but this subsides. Just take each day one day at a time and you'll get through this. Be there for your sibling, too. Each sibling handles it differently and sooner or later, your brother will need you.

[ClayTheScribe]

Originally Posted by Wolf_22

ClayTheScribe, I've been in your shoes and it's pretty rough, yes? My experience occurred when I was between 5 and 6 years of age. Sometimes people think you can't remember much at that point in your life, but I remember everything that happened like it was yesterday. What a miserable experience it was.

All I remember being between both parents was a weapon or chess piece. It definitely made them forget who I was to this day... I've had nothing to do either of them, have no desire to ever have anything to do with them ever again, and regret having anything to do with them in the past. They make little effort on their part to have a decent relationship with me, too. So I guess it's a mutual conclusion.

As for your situation, you're older and have much more introspection invested with everything. This can be both good and bad. The first thing I would do if I were you is seek some assistance from an actual mental health professional. The reason for this has nothing to do with your current sanity but more so with your eventual sanity. Speaking to someone completely objective to the situation helps solidify many aspects of your psychology in a good way and since it would be someone who knows nothing about you, it would be a raw opinion with no strings or ties attached--no bias at all. This is a very valuable thing to have in today's screwed-up world.

If you don't have access to this, I would advise you to try to find a balance between providing your ear to those you care about and providing yourself with yourself. It's good that you're "being there" for your parents but don't let this cause you to forget about your own life because they are grown adults who should be able to handle their own fallout by now. If they can't, then they are the ones requiring a clinical consult. Don't get depressed about all this stuff and as cliche as it may sound, do realize that this has nothing to do with anything you have done. Kind of common sense, but sometimes not... It takes some time to truly grasp this cliche saying sometimes.

My personal values and beliefs led me to believe that true love never dies. I've never had any experiences in any religious systems that made me believe my faith was being tested down to its very core, but with love, I ALWAYS felt that it was a true test of faith for both parties involved. It's beside the point, I know, but the reason I bring this up is because it's worth considering now that your parents may not have been completely in love or else their love simply died. Maybe they *thought* they were in love and took this long to understand that they really weren't... Who knows? In any event, none of this is your fault.

You'll go through some changes over this mess. You'll experience times where you'll now have to coordinate schedules for things ranging from Christmas dinners to events going on at your school or whatever else you have going on in your lives. Depending on your parents' careers, you might even have to arrange for trips and so forth, but you'll get used to it and might even like it! After all, just imagine how nice it's going to be now to be around both parents without hearing them constantly bicker about stuff.

I wish you the best. I really do... I know it's painful now, but this subsides. Just take each day one day at a time and you'll get through this. Be there for your sibling, too. Each sibling handles it differently and sooner or later, your brother will need you.

Wow, this was amazing. Thank you. This was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm actually in between therapists right now as my insurance changes, but I've been handling it pretty well. Christmas was kind of tiring going from place to place, but I feel I have the tools to handle it and overall this is a great thing for both of them. I think it will bring me closer to them and allow me to see who they really are.

[Threshold]

I am currently going through a divorce after 25 yrs of marriage (27 now as this thing keeps dragging on) My kids are 24, 22, nd 19.

I don't put them in the middle. They know very little about why, none of the details of the divorce, and truly, they don't even want to know anything about my life, how I am dealing with it, or even if I am safe or happy.

It's not their issue. But it seems like somehow it must be. I mean, we're their parents. How can they just not care?

My only answer is they have to protect themselves, so I leave them alone. If they ask me anything, I answer with facts, and sometimes that makes them mad and I get angry rants and then they shut me out and won't speak to me again. I have ceased answering the question "how are you" because they don't like the answer. Sad, lonely, frustrated, scared...

I have no idea why your parents are divorcing, but I offer the possibility that there is much going on that you are not privy to. You have every right to your feelings and opinions. I hope that they don't end up making a pawn of you etc.

I understand my kids are going through a gammet of overwhelming emotions. I understand they need something to focus their anger on, and unfortunately they've chosen me. It makes an already awful situation that much more difficult to deal with. I think having a therapist for yourself is a great idea.