A Letter to my Family On the Anniversary of Their Death

[FoundmySelf]

My Dearest Danilo and my Sweet Sweet Baby Jordan

Well, here we are again. The day our lives were changed forever. The day that our little family was divided in to two worlds. Danilo my Love, and Jordie girl, as you know I have dreaded this day and every day for the past 16 years. It has haunted me in my sleeping hours as well as my waking hours. I have tried to drink and drug it away, I have tried to run away from it, I have tried to take my own life over it, but I have never tried to face it and understand it. I guess what I am saying is, I have given the date on the calendar so much control over my life that I have not stopped to realize the beauty that this day has to hold. So today my sweet family I want to do that with you.

Sixteen years ago you both were given the most beautiful gift that we here on earth could be given. You were given the gift of Eternal life and were born again in to the kingdom of Heaven. Sixteen years ago, although our family was divided in to the physical world and the spiritual world we were forever connected. You never left me, you were just tucked away in my heart and my memories where I would always find you and could always call on you and those memories would never be lost or hurt or destroyed for they are mine and we will always be together forever. I also did not realize that on this day, you became my reason to live. You See, I now have to live my life to the fullest so that I can honour you both and show you that I AM okay. I AM going to be just fine even though I know you have both known this.

Jordan, as your Mommy it broke my heart to lose you so soon. I loved you for so long before I got to hold you in my arms, and then the time in my arms was just way to short. Six weeks is but a blink of an eye sweet heart, and it just went so quick. That said sweety, you taught me so much in those six weeks and I want to thank you for that. Jordie, you taught me patience, selflessness, love, and so much more. You made me a better person by allowing me to be your Mommy. Thank you for blessing me, and thank you for teaching me. I can only imagine what a life time with you would have done for me. I understand why God needed you back so soon.

Ahh my Dan, my first love.. my true love.. What do I say that you don't already know. I remember the first time you kissed me in the "club house" when we were four and I was so grossed out I went home crying to my Mom because I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital for a needle to get rid of the "germs". How we walked to Kindergarten on our first day of school together, how you "rescued me" from the mud puddle the day I fell and got my white tights all dirty on picture day, how we became teenagers together, our first school dance, going to high school arm in arm and oh so much more. The family holidays together, the sneaking out of bedroom windows and meeting at the fence to "talk" for five more minutes... Baby.. we had a life time together do you know that? We might have been young but it was still a life time together. I was the girl next door, and we were more then high school sweet hearts. We were life partners from a very early age. Danilo we were blessed baby, and I wanna thank you so much for each and every day; Thank you for the laughter, tears, love, joy, friendship, marriage, and for our beautiful daughter. My life is better because of you

I know I have had a rough Sixteen years Dan and I have not always seen things in a positive fashion. In fact quite the opposite. I tried to kill myself through drugs and alcohol. My goal was to continue using and drinking more and more until eventually my heart would stop. I mean my heart was dead inside anyhow, it might as well be dead permanently right? Wrong, Baby, wrong!! I am sorry that I used the accident that took you and Jordan away from me as an excuse to hide behind. It is not your fault that I am an alcoholic and an addict. You had nothing to do with my destructive behaviour. I just was not ready to be responsible for my actions yet, so I hide behind the label of a grief stricken mother/wife and got lost in the bottle and let the drugs take me further and further down the spiral staircase.

Dan and Jordan, I tell you this now with pride. The time has come for me to start to let go of the grip I have held on to for so long. For Sixteen years I have clung on to you both so tight and have not wanted to let you go. I have focused my life on the past and not on the present. I have been looking behind me instead of looking forward, and punishing myself for that day. Today, I am focusing on my NOW and no longer can I live in the past. As I loosen my grip on our yesterday and look forward to my tomorrow know that I love you both with all my being, you both have forever changed me and left your footprints on my heart... I am the person I am today because of the two of you. As I look forward and start living again, know that I am living in honour of you both. I will celebrate you and never forget you, but now instead of fearing and dreading the days I will now consider them special days and will look forward to them and let the true meaning shine upon us.

My Forever Family... Until we meet again... I love you to the moon and back... twice!!!!

[sampar]

[Opivotal]

Best Wishes To You

[Dee74]

(((fms)))

d

[freshstart57]

That might be the most beautiful thing I will ever read, FMS. I feel as though I know your Dan and Jordan through this most touching letter to them.

Most certainly, your courage and self awareness have brought you to this miracle of acceptance and understanding. You have found yourself, and you have learned to place Dan and Jordan in the present moment of your heart.

I believe, too, that having survived and prevailed over these most difficult trials, your personal growth will never be stopped for any reason. You will never again be that person whose only desire was to disappear through that torment of self-destruction.

Please stay with us here at SR. You have so much to give by sharing your understanding and experience with those of us who continue to struggle with our demons.

Please accept my congratulations, and my thanks, FMS. God Bless.

[terminated]

Very, Very touching.

[MsPINKAcres]

breathtakingly beautiful

thank you for allowing us the honor to read such a heartfelt sharing of your love for your family and the newfound love you have yourself

prayers of peace and courage for you

PINK HUGS,
Rita

[sark]

I just about cried when i read your letter. I relate with it at a deep level. I am still trying to figure out how to let go, leave the bottle and move on. Its a hard process. Thanks for sharing your letter.

[Justsam]

Thank you for sharing this letter. I can't put into words how beautiful and inspiring your letter is. God obviously has a special plan for you. This has really moved me.

[Sickpuppy]

3 years ago today was the last night I spent with my mother, I found her dead on jan 2 2010. These days I mark to be sad, have really been struggling with this also. I really needed to read this today. I havent faced her death I try to run away. For someone who feels like giving up you story touched me and for a moment I had hope thank you

[lilgolden73]

Beautiful!!! Thanks so much for sharing!

[trailrunrbyday]

Thank you so much for letting the warmth of your love and amazing courage in your heart - the strength of the everlasting love of your family be shared. That is truly one of the most touching and poignant letters of true love I have ever read. You have inspired me, humbled me, reminded me, and awakened an appreciation for the time we are gifted - long or not long enough with those we connect with and love. I have no words. I have the most sincere appreciation. Thank you.

[MrsDragon]

I realize this post was from a while back, but Thank You for sharing your feelings and your words. It means so much to me because this is what happened to my son after the loss of his child, collapse of his marriage following. Its very encouraging to see someone seeing light on the other side of the pain and grief.