Too much pain

[SCRedhead]

I am 2 years and 8 months sober and have been doing really well lately. I got a call in the middle of the night on Nov. 14 that my Mom was being rushed to the hospital. They didn't know it yet, but she had had a massive stroke on both sides of her brain and in multiple areas. For 3 days we gathered around her and then we did what we had promised....we took her home. She had very specific requests when she was well and she had a DNR...no feeding tubes, no breathing machines, no nursing homes, and if she wasn't going to make it she wanted to at home.
Her 78th birthday was Nov. 19 and just a few hours after we sang her Happy Birthday she went to heaven. I believe she held on because we had promised her a birthday party and she held on to see all her children and grandchildren.
I have no idea how to feel this pain....I don't want to feel it! I don't want to drink but God, this hurts so bad! All my life I dealt with pain and any other emotion I didn't like by drinking it all away. What the hell am I supposed to do now?
I believe Mama is watching over me and I believe - NO, I know she would be very, very sad if I got drunk again. My emotions are all over the place! Angry, sad, cying, wanting to drink, not wanting to drink, feeling like I might make it and then BAM!-falling apart all over again. Sometimes I'm afraid I might fall apart and not be able to put myself back together.
I've never dealt with anything like this in my life and I've never, ever dealt with a death in the family without being completely plastered!
I don't even know why I'm on here typing this........I'm so confused and scared and sad.
I keep saying to myself "I'm trying Mama...I'm trying."

[Jasmine2011]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother in 2001, she was 74. It was the hardest thing I ever had to face. You think just because you're in your 30's, you should be able to handle these things, no, it doesn't work that way.

You just lost someone you love, someone who has been there for you from the day you were born. Of course you're feeling those feelings. And work gives you three days to grieve, yeah right, I needed a week off of work and still cried when I got back.

You will be fine. Just take it one day at a time, that's all you can do. You're going to miss her so much but it's normal, please know that.

[Jasmine2011]

Oh and congratulations on your sobriety. Your mother must be very proud.

[MsPINKAcres]

Thoughts & Prayers for you sweetie ~

I lost my Dad on 09/11/11 and sometimes the pain is so bad my heart physically hurts.

But I keep on trying, One Day at a Time ~

Thoughts & prayers for you!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

[Impurrfect]

(((SCRedhead))) - I'm so sorry for your loss. I was 29 when my mom died, at age 50. Today? I'm the same age she was when she died.

For whatever reason, I had been drinking (not my eventual DOC, but what I was abusing at the time) when she died. Something in me told me that I needed to feel the pain, not numb it out, and grieve for however long I needed. I'm glad I did.

Though I went on to abuse more things, finally finding my DOC (crack), hit bottom and all that stuff, I did not have the overwhelming feelings of grief come back with a vengeance.

I've been in recovery for over 4-1/2 years. I've been to funerals for my uncle and a cousin, both who I loved dearly. The grief hurts like hell, but we can get through it. I promise, the feelings where you feel like someone has socked you in the stomach and takes your breath away because it hurts so bad? They get less frequent, and you are eventually able to remember good stuff.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

[fourmaggie]

you know the score in AA, must be HONEST...so that means FEELING what you feel...its all normal...and its a up and down hill...and still is for me, even losing my husband at 33 and coming up to 10 years.....

bless you
prayers and medition will help..

Maggie