The death of my cousin

[qpapq]

The world is such a dark dark place.

Im not sure what the point is of typing this, I just feel like I need to do something.

My beautiful cousin has been recently diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer, at 46 it just seemed all so unfair. Then one week later she died. Embolisim on her lung, Drs say that she was lucky, lucky because the cancer would have taken her and this way she has avoided a lot of pain and suffering.

I miss her already, it is shuch a shame. The sound of my parents sobbing on the phone, unable to speak is a sound that will haunt me forever.

I have been in such a dark place, I have thought very often over the last couple of weeks about my own death, about bringing it about. This was before the news. but listening to the grief pouring out of my Dad especially has made me realise that I couldnt bring about that amount of pain for them. Selfishly I hadnt really considered that before. I still have these feelings, and now more so than ever. I wouldnt do it, I cant do it to them. But I still feel the same way.

I know I shoudlnt make this about me, it isnt about me, its about Laura, and the little boy she has left behind, and her Dad and her Brother, I am a step removed from her, she was only my cousin...

When I was younger, we were very close, and though she is 11 years, (was 11 years) older than me, everybody said we should have been sisters, we look alike and everything. I so wanted to be her, when I was young, I started nurses training in order to follow her.

I dont feel like I have the right to hurt like I do, to be crying and feeling this bleak. That right belongs to my Uncle and her cousin, and of course her 6 yr old son.

The darkness in my world has been here for weeks, My friend says its because of the Vodka I drink, because it is bad. She said I should at least stop drinking that.. I am trying to do so. I have had a really busy weekend this weekend at work, I offered to stand in for my boss so she could have the weekend off, Im not sure if that was wise or not? I feel so stressed and depressed, and I just want to sit on this computer all night chatting tripe to people I dont know, getting loaded on Vodka, and sobbing away the hours. I cant do that because of work, so i guess that is a good thing, but it has left me here, in this no mans land. I dont know how to handle this. Last week I buried a friend of mine, I could handle that, we were separate enough for me to feel pain and loss and sorrow, but move on. Several years ago, I buried my Grandmother, I knew how to handle that, she was a huge part of my life, once I was sure that Mum and my family were ok, and secure in their grieving, I was able to grieve for myself, alone.

This time, I dont know how to feel, how to handle it, What to do.

Im sorry, this post has run out of hand and out of synch. It makes no sense.

I dont know what the point was, what I was hoping to achieve or learn or to share. I just felt like i had to do something. It is so tempting to reach for the bottle, or the blade.

[Fandy]

i'm very sorry for your cousin and glad you are here posting. the booze is feeding your depression, i hope you reach out for FTF help too.

[Impurrfect]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Alcohol is a depressant, sweetie, and it only makes things worse. Not preaching, I've btdt. I was drinking when my mom died. Though I stopped the month after her death, because deep down I KNEW I needed to walk through the grief (she was also my best friend), a month later I'd come home from work and drink until I passed out. I quit drinking before I crossed that line where quitting is an effort, however, just found other stuff to keep me from dealing with life.

In recovery, I've lost some very close family members, including a 43-year-old cousin in August, and an 18-year-old cousin a few days ago. I'm grateful I can grieve, be there for my family, and don't have the guilt I had when I was out using and other serious things came up in my family.

As far as you having the "right" to grieve, sure you do. She was a part of your life.

I hope you seek help for your drinking. You truly do deserve recovery.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

[Dee74]

I'm sorry for your loss Canter.
I hope you'll reach out for support too - everyone's grief is important.

D

[qpapq]

Thank you for your kind words.
Amy, i am so sorry to hear of your losses, it just all seems so unfair doesnt it,. I mean, my cousin was a beautiful person, inside and out, she worked hard as a nurse, was a devoted mum to her boy, was a good friend and daughter. She absolutly does not deserve this.

there are so many evil people running around this world, where is the justice?
I screw up everything I do, yet seem to dodge bullets. She doesnt deserve this, nor does her son..

irrational and stupid, but i can help thinking, shoulda been me.

[Muunray]

Every day I am reminded how short life is, and each day is a gift ( even if it sounds corny).
I like the song "Love the One You're With" by Stephen Stills

[Impurrfect]

(((Canterbell))) - years and years ago (okay, a few decades), I was drinking. My baby stepsister, 18 years old, was killed in a car wreck. I dealt with it like I dealt with everything else..drank. I got a DUI a couple months afterward, my one and only.

I remember, bawling my eyes out, wondering why it couldn't have been me, instead of this beautiful young girl with a full life ahead of her.

It took me 15 more year to find recovery, after changing substances. Today? Though her daughter (my niece) could seriously use some therapy after being raised by grandparents who refuse to say "no" or let her deal with consequences, I am the ONE person she will admit that I always have her back (unless she does something stupid).

She's well onto following in the footsteps of her bio family (they are my step-family), but I'm the one person she can see what recovery looks like. Will she get it? Who knows. What I do know is that I'm grateful I CAN be the stable one in the family. She DOES have to face consequences with me.

There is one person in her life that isn't a raging codie, not an addict, and whether she learns anything is on her. I truly believe, some day, she will appreciate what I've tried to teach her. If I were still using, I'd just be one more person she could "count on to screw up".

In my opinion, I dodged the bullets (quite literally, a couple of times) and there's a reason for that. Took a while to figure that OUT, but I don't think we ever will as long as we're still drinking/using.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

[Opivotal]

((Canterbell)) I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please know, my thoughts and prayers are with you.



Best Wishes To You!

[MsPINKAcres]

((canterbell))

so very sorry for the loss of your precious loved one - prayers of peace and comfort for all who loved her

Pink Hugs,
Rita

[chicory]

(((Canterbelle)))

It is a sad thing to lose one so near and dear. so young. i am so sorry for you, her family, her little boy. my heart hurts for you all.
thank you for sharing. it speaks well of your dear cousin that you are so very sad and grieving her so deeply. love hurts so much sometimes.

we are here for you,
chicory

[Hevyn]

Of course you have every right to hurt, Belle. You loved her, and now she's gone - way before her time. It's tragic and it's painful. (I lost my cousin to Lupus a few years ago and felt the same way you do.)

Your post made perfect sense, and I'm so glad you wrote it. I hope in some small way it will help with your grieving process to share it with us.

Please let us know how you're doing. Sending love to the UK.

[wellnowwhat]

Sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like your cousin was a lovely person.

It's is funny (odd, not ha ha) how grief can be so surprising in the way it plays out. We can never really be sure how it will hit us. I sometimes think that we do not grieve all at once, but with each new death we experience our past grief returns and sort of melds together with the current loss. I like to think that every funeral is a memorial for every person I've mourned, while the eulogy is specific to the current person who passed. I don't know why but it gives me a measure of comfort to think this, that their memorial doesn't end with their own funeral, but carries on with each funeral after that.

Sending kind thoughts your way.