!!!!!!!!!!!!!triggers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Live]

Warning: this is not a nice nor sentimental post.

It contains hatred and anger ALOT of it!

Thanksgiving will be the 10th anniversary of my son taking his own life.

Wanna know what he killed himself over?
His dad sold him crank and it fell out of his pocket in the grocery store and he was sure he was going to be arrested. He was drunk and he was high and paranoid.
Want to know where the alcohol came from since he was underage...his dad...he was staying with his dad because he was working with him and his dad was an irresponsible SOB who was never around so he just dropped my son off at home with a bunch of booze each evening.
And the crank...he told son that he needed to speed up production or he would be fired and gave him crank to get him moving. oops, not gave, SOLD.
Good ole dad was in on the manufacturing and dealing and taught my kids how to have a stand off at the windows with guns should the police ever come on the property.
Dad physically abused son.
I had set son up with an automatical withdrawal for a savings account....son had almost accumulated enough..or had, really, to move out on his own and buy a vehicle.
Three weeks before, Dad "borrowed" all his savings.
Dad was always "borrowing" his earnings.
I didn't find out about all this until much later, of course.
When we divorced, I didn't like the fact that Dad wanted to do clubs and drink on weekends, altho' he did include me...but this monster of a man emerged once on his own..divorced.
Yeah, son tried to hang himself once before. It was kept a secret from me.
I had my son hospitalized twice, Dad would check him out AMA.
When I arranged a meeting between the hostile parties (me, Dad and Eric)
Dad insisted that I was nothing more than a drama queen and pressed my son into telling me that it was all BS.
I begged people to have the guns removed from the house, the police had been there on a suicide call and said to remove the guns.
Dad vetoed that.
I spoke to my son that evening. This was not the first or second or.....? how many times I had these crises and I was at work and about to lose my job over it. I begged my son to let me come get him after work and made arrangements to call back. Son said he couldn't go with me, he had promised a friend that he would help do some automotive tinkering the next day.
Knowing that he had solid plans the next day, I determined I would go there the next day, when he was sober.
After I got off work, things got more serious....he took a gun, left out his wallet (here...DAD! AAGGGHHHH), left a note and went into the woods.
During this whole time Dad was at his girlfriends house less than 5 minutes away but would not come "home"
When my daughter and her boyfriend (they liked to stay in town on weekends, I was too rural and strict & I failed in my legal attempt to prevent this) found these things, they hunted for him and then called the police.
My son shot himself.
Dad blamed daughter saying that he wouldn't have done it if she hadn't called the police.
Emergency people and ministers came and helped the family there.
I was not notified until over 12 hours after it happened, my young daughter called me!
At the funeral the MIL from HeII tried to shove me out of the way as if I did not belong.
Then whilst I sat beside his grave, She phoned the funeral home and told them not to let me back in and not to let me have anything.
I found out about that much later..as such things were furthest from my mind.
I had taken my son out of his father's house with an emergency order due to abuse a few years before. I know that my son did not seek out drink or drugs.
He moved to his dad's to take a good job and had planned to move out.
Dad was just as negligient with daughter.
He abandoned her after son's death.
Then on Father's day, Dad's girlfriend called daughter to tell her that her dad was at the spot Eric killed himself and would not speak to anyone or come back. How freaking cruel!!!!!!!! We were in another state with my sister trying to heal.
I hate that man.
He used to threaten suicide. Damn right, I wish it were him rather than my son.
I keep this under wraps most of the time....
But I have forgiven everyone in my life for anything, everything...but for this...I do not think I will ever forgive him or his mother, who was an integral part in this horror.
And...dad...he just abandoned daughter and stayed with girlfriend and adopted her family.
When daughter was struggling to go to college..I sent money to support her, Dad said he didn't have any...but he bought a $45,000 truck.
I hate that man.
I hope he never has a peaceful night's sleep.
I hope he has the night terrors I have had.
And I hope...just this once...he has done one thing right and made a will with daughter as beneficiary...but if I know the situation at all...it is made out to the girlfriend/now wife.
My daughter told me what Son's note said...Dad would never let me even see it.!

Please don't scold me for this hateful post. It is feelings that I need to let out.

[tigger11]

this isn't a hateful post my dear wonderful friend. It's honest and full of grief and unbearable pain. Nothing... NOTHING is worse than losing your child. My brother lost his 14 year old son to a curt cobain copycat suicide about the same number of years ago. The pain still dibilitates him from time to time. He's a beautiful, spiritual, strong man, just as you are a beautiful, strong angel of a woman who has taken your pain and grief, and turned it into faith and understanding and helping others'. I might very well be dead today if it weren't for you, my angel. As you so often say to me... I'm here for you. Call me any time. My heart breaks for you and your pain, and I'm keeping you in my prayers always. Need me to come be with you?

(((Liveweyered)))

[Live]

Love you, Tigger.

That is the first time I have written out the anger and hatred I feel. And I feel so much better now that I have.

I am so sorry to hear about your nephew....14 years old!....that is beyond my comprehension!...so young! Altho' come to think of it....Eric tried to hang himself at that age...visiting at his dad's...and no one told me!!! His sister and friends found him just in time!

David says we can make an effigy of his dad and torture and burn it! LOL

I love that man, he is so good to me!

Laughing, I don't have the energy to clean up the house for company just yet!
But we are never far apart...with the wonderful world of the web! LOL

I ate a whole box of gourmet chocolate chip cookies. That is an improvement. I used to have a day in November when I would medicate with drink. But not into self-abuse anymore.

love you bunches!
And tomorrow you are a free woman!!!

[Impurrfect]

(((Tena)))

I'm glad I finally know what happened. I don't think this is a hateful post and I, for one, am not about to tell you that you have to forgive Eric's dad or his grandmother. In fact, I would probably feel the same.

I do know that anger eats us up, so I just hope that you have a way to work the anger out. Writing all this out, I believe, is one of those ways.

The only "good" thing I can think about this, is that his dad and g'ma WILL get the just dues in the long run.

I think the way you have carried on with your life, and have reached out to so many people is a way of carrying on the spirit of Eric. His body may be gone, but he lives on....in you.

I know this time of year is tough, but I am always here for you.

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Live]

Thank you precious friend.

I honestly wouldn't want anything bad to happen to Dad, but only because of the hurt and pain it would cause my daughter.
Not all truths are pretty.

It is good to get all that out.
I feel much more relaxed now.

And drinking coca-cola on the rocks

[Impurrfect]

Enjoy your coca-cola on the rocks!! I just figure that when anyone causes pain to anyone else...at some point in their life, they will experience a similar type of pain.

Here's a cyber toast to you with my diet sprite

[tigger11]

Hey Live Angel - you're right - I am FREE! And BTW, I don't care what your house looks like, I can plow my way through anything to get to the bathroom. And, I can take pizza boxes out to the trash. I Love you, Lady! - Tigg

[Live]

LMAO

There is nothing like the panic of having company over to get me moving.
AND I have the camper to hide stuff in...throw it in a plastic bag (sound familiar? LOL) and run to the camper with it.

But did I mention we were nudists?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Live]

One more thing about Eric's death.

The police were there...one had managed to walk up fairly close to him and try to talk to him...Eric pulled the trigger...the gun did not fire.
The police SHOULD have then taken him down with a leg shot. They didn't. The second time it fired.
He could have been saved...and with a leg injury put in the hospital and kept there despite his dad and gotten help and treatment.

[freya]

Oh, live, that's so horrible! As a mom, I'd say the b*atard is d*mn lucky you're only hateful; homicidal is what he deserves!

Anyway, I feel pretty sure that there are some things that only God can forgive...and, just because He can, doesn't mean that He will!

Praying for you and your family -- love, freya

[Live]

HUGS, Freya!!!!!
I can't say that I haven't thought about homicide! LOL
But I later decided to wish him a very long life,...being a miserable person, let him live with it....for a long time!

[Katyrose]

Liveweyerd, I am so sorry for your loss. I don't post here too often, but I know how you feel losing your son. I lost my son 14 months ago to a drug OD. I think you have every right to be angry. I hope you find some peace.

Love,
Katy

[Live]

oh, KatyRose, I am so sorry! So very sorry.
It was very brave of you to come here and offer comfort.
Often times, that has simply been too hard for me to do.
Dear lady, your loss is so fresh and recent, may your heart be wrapped in gentle care and blessings.
I have blacked out/blanked out any memory of the first anniversary of Eric's death.
But every year in November I do the riot act.
It never completely heals, but it does get easier, really it does.
I am in tears for you.
I have had so much longer to deal with this and here you are
bravely offering your understanding, kindness and blessings.
hugs,
Tena

[barb dwyer]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Live}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I got nothing cool to say.
Just a hug for you.

Wow.
I could feel that ... has been needing to come out for a while.

*prayers for peace and healing*

[Live]

Thanks, Barb.

You are so very right. I have kept that locked up and I feel ever so much better.
I was on the phone with David's mom today discussing Thanksgiving and I am looking forward to introducing them to date pudding.

[liesagain]

Live, I know this is a tough time of year for you. Thank you for your strength and willingness to share your feelings with us...............you've been here for me more times than i can count and its your strength and understanding that has gotten me thru many rough nights...........thank you for that and thank you for your willingness to shaer yourself and your pain to help others
remember you are loved and valued here.............(((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))

[Live]

AH, lovely LiesAgain, beautiful lady, you are an inspiration and can soothe a troubled mind with the perfect words!
I had kept this layer inside all these years because it is so ugly and seemed to me, unacceptable, but this year it just had to blow.
The effects of getting it out have been tremendous.
much love and many hugs to a very special friend.
Tena

[indigo]

Live you know how I feel, I'm glad you've been able to write it all down, it's your truth & it's unbearable, you have emerged still as a butterly & I know Eric will have found peace from that abusive shocking man who was supposed to love & cherish him & your girl. You loved your son, if I knew a way of stopping bad fathers from doing these deeds I surely would & I know you understand that too.
I love you dear friend & sister. Annie

[TakingCharge999]

Live, you are such a beautiful, incredible woman. I am blessed to consider you a cyber friend.

You have helped me enormously this year. I read your thread and got all teary at work. You have gone through so much.

Your voice is always compassionate and wise. Your words helped me and continue to help me when I am in SR or when I am away but need to hold on to what is true.

I agree with tigger that many times at the end of my rope, your phrases or words were healing and helped me cope. They still do. Your phrase "you are still writing your own story, can you believe in that?" got me through for weeks.

Maybe your dear son's purpose was to make you grow so much, so you could help many other people. I agree he is watching over your shoulder and very proud to see who you have become.

The dictionary should have your picture next to the definition of Strength.

Triggers suck. And this time of the year, Nov., Dec., Jan. are sad for so many people. You do well taking all your thoughts out. You inspire me to do the same.

((HUGS)) from me and the cats and I always hold you in my thoughts, I will always be grateful as you lent me your hand in my worse times and continue to do so.

[Learn2Live]

livewyred, I am so sorry honey, so, so sorry. I can never know your pain because I am not a Mom, but my heart is with you and will be with you this Thanksgiving.

[Live]

Ah, Annie, you are a saint in the world, y'know!?
I love you dear woman, I wish I showed it better!
And thank you, you know I do need acknowledgement of the evil of that man called Dad,
I don't think anyone had ever given me that fully,
for some damned stupid reason...even my parents blame the MIL and show that, but they say she does his thinking for him and directed him.
He was a well grown adult to have a 20 year old son.
He IS responsible for himself and his actions.
Thank you, the lack of acknowledgement may well be the reason that this has stayed stuck for me.
many loving hugs,
Tena

[Live]

Taking Charge,

Thank you! I appreciate your recognition of my son more than words can say.
There is something weird about suicides, they are "unmentionable", people don't send sympathy cards, bring food...all the normal things we do when there is a death.
You have given me that.
Honestly, I have received more support here this year than I did at the time.
Bless you.
LOL If you have gotten any worth out of my rambling fingers, I am glad.
It is funny sometimes the way something someone says sticks with us with meaning and they don't even know that they have said it, really.
I have often admired you....knowing your age and asking myself, saying to myself...wow, she is so together, I was a child at your age!
Rock on, friend!

[Live]

Learn2Live,

Thank you! Thank you so much! I welcome and appreciate your prayers.
I see you on the forums fighting and speaking out against wrongs and abuse and that is what is needed...for the children of the world, they are all our children, in my beliefs and yours, as well, if I have understood you correctly.

hugs,
Tena

[tjp613]

Tena - I was thinking the same thing that TakingCharge said.... in a roundabout way his death lead to your being here and helping hundreds of souls navigate through these very difficult waters. You really don't realize, I'm sure, how much your reassuring presence has meant to all of us. You are an angel. Having gone through so much pain and then blossomed into such a beautiful, wise and gentle woman, you epitomize what "recovery" is all about. Thank you so much.

I can't imagine how much you hurt for your son and I am so very, very sorry that you must live with that pain every day. You don't deserve it. But remember that now he is free and dancing in Love ...what more could we wish for our child?

As for "Dad"....all I can say is, Karma is a Bitch.

((((HUGS)))))

[grateful2b]

Tena dear heart....I am just seeing this now...I am so glad you found the courage..... and felt safe enough.. to release these emotions and share them with us...I am happy for you, that you could finally give voice to this terrible burden of pain and anger...and for the healing to come...

I, too, am glad to be able to understand what you have gone through..I am deeply touched by all that you and your family have suffered through this man and I am sad to hear about the lack of support shown you by your family.

You are a strong, brave and sensitive woman, full of Light and Love and you deserve to live your life with Joy...my prayers for your beautiful Eric and healing prayers for you and your daughter