And then he was gone

[LostForever]

Hello,

I have posted in the Sub Abuse forum but I am avoiding dealing with this because I don't know how to.

I found out - via the internet - that my ex-boyfriend passed away Dec 08.He overdosed on heroin in his room at his mother's home. I had been trying to reach him for months. His phone was turned off and he was not answering my emails. I thought he was ignoring me but I had a bad feeling nagging at me. Finally I started to look for him online and that led to finding out he was gone.

Some background:

Our relationship lasted approximately 3 years. He was an addict and he introduced me to drugs. He was controlling, possessive and abusive when he used - which was all the time. It was an extremely intense and close relationship. He never let me be alone. He was with me all the time except when I was at work. He would drive me there, pick me up (in MY car which he took from me) and call me throughout the day though. It was unhealthy and I was very unhappy. I did love him but I couldn't stay in that situation any longer.

I left him and it was horrible. He OD'd, ended up in the hospital for weeks, then he went to jail for months (for crimes committed while he was using) and was sent to live with his father in another state. We ended up back together eventually until last July when I finally called the police. The physical abuse had stopped but he had no control over his drug use. He had stolen pills from me while I was sleeping (I didn't know it at the time) and used on top of taking them and he collapsed. He was blue and I thought he was going to die so I called 911. He went to the ER - he had OD'd and I picked him up 5 hours later. As soon as we got home he started using right away! I could not stop him (he was 6'2, 300lb, steroid using bodybuilder and I am 5'2 100 lbs) and I was afraid for him. So I called 911 again. This time the police came with the ambulance. He was fighting with them because he didn't want to go and they ended up taking him to jail. I felt horrible but I was afraid he was going to OD again. I didn't know what else to do. he had made threats against me previously and I was afraid of him at times. The police (and a social worker) talked me into getting an order or protection. It is something I totally regret doing.

That happened end of July early August. I never saw him again and I only spoke to him twice after that. The first time was after the order was lifted (it lasted only 3 months). He had a new girlfriend and he was upset that I had done that. He also said he had gotten clean. I was using heavily during that time and I don't remember much of what else was said. The second time I called him and said I couldn't talk to him anymore because it was killing me that he found someone else. Which was the truth. We never spoke again.

After I got clean I wanted to get in touch with him again. I just wanted to talk to him, see how he was doing and tell him I was clean too. I think our drug use was the cause of a lot of our problems.

When I found out he passed away I emailed his sister-in-law to find out what happened. I received a very angry response which said that his family blamed me for his death and that I have ruined their lives and holidays forever.

I was in shock. I already felt guilty for the protective order and calling 911. I completely fell apart.

Since then I cannot stop thinking about things. What if I had done this? Why did I DO that? What is wrong with me? I should never have left him!

I am doubting all my decisions. I do feel some guilt and the fact that they blame me is killing me. His mother knew he was an addict his entire life yet she let him live home an use in her house. They never made him get help. How could they blame me like that?

I know this is getting long... This is so much going on in my head.

Was I wrong? How do I deal with this? I didn't make him OD - if I was with him I could have helped him, called 911.

There are so many things I wanted to say to him. Things I wanted to explain. I wanted him to know I got clean!

I have been non-functional since this happened. I have been out of work over a year and I am barely looking for work. I have withdrawn from the world. I never leave my apartment. I stay in my pajamas all day. I have no friends and I am estranged from my family. I have not gone back to using at least.

I know that I can't continue like this but I don't know where to go for help. I don't know how to deal with this.

Sometime I wish it had been me. No one cares about me. (I am not throwing a pity party - just stating a fact.) I am completely alone and would not be missed. It would not have any impact. He had a family that loved him, a new girlfriend and a lot going for him.

I'm sorry this is so long. If someone could please give me some guidance I would appreciate it very much.

[LostForever]

29 views and not one response. Wow. Maybe I should not have posted...

[MrsMagoo]

I saw that too. Maybe the people looking since you posted just don't know what to say.

I can say that I recently split up with my husband. He's on the streets and sometimes living in a shelter. He's using like there is no tomorrow and my biggest fear is that he will die. I think that's very normal and of course it does happen BUT, it cannot EVER be your fault. You only have control and power over yourself and your choices. Your boyfriend made a bad choice and maybe just even got a hold of some bad dope but that's the chance you (they) take when they use.

Please don't blame yourself or play the "what if" game. You had your own soberity to attend to and it sounds like you did a good job. Good for you girl! I'm sure you have some "survivor's guilt" but please, release that and don't carry that on your shoulders. You loved him the best you could and he loved you the best that he could.

I THINK if my husband OD'd, I would struggle because I put him out after many attempts to be supportive and cheer him along. I also think that eventually I would be able to have some peace in knowing that HE was finally at peace and not battling the demon of addiction anymore. His daughter would not have to bear the shame of having a father addicted to heroin or the turmoil of having to endure potential relapses and disappointments.

I am also a firm believer in that God chooses he is going to take and who stays. You have stayed behind for a reason. God is not done with you. You have a story and you have a message to take to others about success over addiction and the tragic consequences of not being willing to change.

I can't imagine the pain you are in right now - well maybe. My best friend since 3rd grade died and I didn't find out until several months later and we lived in the same town. Nobody called me and I missed it in the obituary. All I can think is what a piece of crap her parents must think I am for not being there and I beat myself up for letting something petty keep us from talking. I didn't know she was sick. She didn't OD or do anything to herself, she was just very sick and died on the ER waiting room floor in front of her son. I can't even bring myself to talk to her children or her folks. I don't know what to say.

Live your life well and don't let this trip up your recovery. Tell his story. It might change somebody's life and help them make better choices.

[Seeking Wisdom]

So sorry for your loss.

There is something uniquely painful about losing someone to a self inflicted addiction. I lost my AH over 2 years ago after over 30 years of marriage, 2 kids and a lifetime of memories. Everyday I still ask myself "why"? He was so full of life and could do just about any thing...and little by little he transformed into someone I didn't recognize ... so sick and confused. I know he did not want to die -he wanted to live - even when he was so sick and in so much pain - he still really truly wanted to live and get better. But everyday he chose to consume the substance that was stealing is mind, body and life away - until there was nothing more. It was like everyday he was committing suicide - while he so desperately wanted to live.

Addiction is baffling and so incredibly, horrifyingly tragic - it is so hard to understand and comprehend ... sometimes people feel the need to lash out and blame someone in order to cope with their own stress, pain and frustration.

[Gypsy Feet]

Most of the people who read the grief forums are dealing with loss, and it may just be too painful to post. My first boyfriend O.D.ed. I was on my way to his house, and stayed on the bus and past his house. Wrecked me for a long time, I could have been there, should have been there.

Things happen that suck, but we have to stay strong and make it through. I don't know why it happened, I just have to take what I can from it, and keep going. I hope you find some peace and joy soon

[Impurrfect]

I am so sorry for your pain.

As far as his family, they are wanting to blame anyone for what happened, other than their son. My dad still wants to blame my XABF for my using, and the things I did to get crack, despite the fact that I've told him over, and over that what I did was MY decision. No one forced me into it. You also have to realize that there is no telling what he told them about you before he died...he may have very well painted a bad picture of you, just out of anger.

For whatever reason, you know you did your best. He continued to use, and he used one time to many. When any of us were actively using, we all took that risk.

I hope you can get some type of support or counseling, as you are bearing way too much guilt that isn't yours to bear.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Katyrose]

Lost Forever,

I lost my only son on Sep 4, 2008 to a heroin overdose. Do you know how many times I have asked myself WHY? Millions of times. It haunts me every day. I do know it was his choice. He had a disease and the drug controlled him.

Don't blame yourself. You couldn't stay in an abusive relationship. He could have killed you.

I do go for counseling, which helps, and that may help you too. Believe that you are worth the try. God bless.


Love,
Joey's mum
Katy

[NickA090609]

I am truly sorry to hear your situation. My sponsor told me to pray for my ex grlfriend that left me. At first I laughed bc I was so resenful towards her bc she already has a new bf. Anyways, I suggest you pray for them for 21 days and it will get better.. Mine has. They were just words at first but now I really do mean it and care that she is happy and ok. "this too shall pass" God bless you and good job staying sober through this!)

[LostForever]

Thank you to those who have responded. I am sorry for those of you who have also lost a loved one.

It has been so difficult. I have been thinking about trying to get some kind of therapy because I can't go on like this. My life has just stopped and I can't get it going again.

Impurrfect - you are right. I have no idea what he told his family about me. I am sure he said bad things about me. He needed them on his side. The sad thing is that I really cared about his parents and I became attached to them. They were very good to me and I appreciated everything they did for me. My own family 'disowned' me years ago.

I wish I could tell them how appreciative I am and the truth about what was really going on but that isn't going to happen. They will always blame me and hate me.

His new girlfriend sent me an email awhile back. She wanted to get in touch with me but I didn't respond. I was upset that he was with someone else so quickly and I knew she didn't like me. The few times I called she answered his phone and wouldn't let me speak to him. I don't think I could handle anything she would have said to me. I am sure it would have been all negative. The only thing I would have liked to know is exactly what happened. I don't know the circumstances surrounding his death - if it was intentional or unintentional. I wish I knew.

[Freedom1990]

I'm sorry for your loss.

My EXAH and I were drugging buddies. He went to rehab shortly before I did, and he choose not to embrace recovery. I did.

For a long time, I had survivor's guilt, and thought of him often (I never went back home after rehab because he was psychotic and violent).

He passed away a few years ago, complications from AIDS, and it had a profound impact on me. It made this whole life and death thing even more real for me. I found tremendous gratitude in the fact that I am still in recovery, and I'd like to think he's smiling down on me.

I briefly thought of sending a condolence card to his parents, but some old wounds are better left alone. Our marriage was sick, and largely based on drugs.

I know that counseling/therapy has helped me tremendously over the years, including dealing with survivor's guilt.

[liveweyerd]

Please do not bear this burden alone......can you see a counselor?
You might want to be evaluated for depression also...which is normal for a time following such a tragedy...but some of us need help coming out of it.

I lost my son. So, it is easier on me not to re-visit it....tho' I well remember how people just stopped talking to me..because they did not know what to say or even think.

I am sure everyone who read your post felt heart-twinges and a wish to help....but we/I often do not know how.

[Rusty Zipper]

hi LF,

saddened to hear yet again of another loss.

i too lost someone, a women, and a former SR member,

we were going to be married.

28 years in and out of recovery, 30 rehabs on the dot.

then addiction took her too.

what i have come to see, a lot of untruths, have turned to truths with time.

for me, after my grief period, i used it as a growth tool.

and i canceled my subscription to the Grief Gazette.

and on a odd flip side, the evil sister, that is not really evil,

her and i have been together for almost three years!

that God, is somthing else!

good wishes out to you LF

blessings

rz

[Ann]

LF, I am a codependent in recovery (my son is an addict) and something I have learned is that nothing I did or did not do made a lick of difference, he used when he wanted to use regardless of anything I did.

You were wise to get out of that relationship because the abuse could have killed you in the end too.

I also learned that all the love in the world cannot save an addict, if it could not one of us would be here.

I'm so sorry he died, it breaks my heart every time I hear of an addict dying in his addiction. My prayers go out for his family and all who loved him/

Hugs

[LostForever]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded. I am sorry for those of you who have also lost a loved one. This is a horrible disease and we all played russian roulette with our lives.

It could have been me had I continued to stay in that relationship.

I guess it is true that we can only save ourselves.

[forlornhopes]

Thank you for that useful post

[forlornhopes]

Originally Posted by forlornhopes

Thank you for that useful post

I thank all of you for your helpful comments. I am 62 and a retired professional. I divorced my ex husband 21 years ago after 9 years of marriage. We remained friends after a while and would occasionally meet although did not live together and his behaviour on these occasions was o.k. He was diagnosed with alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver four years ago and died in May of this year.

Over the last few years we had gone to Portugal for a spell in winter. He wanted to remarry but I was not keen as I was not willing to take the risk but the arrangement seemed to suit. His drinking was curtailed when with me and he was a good companion. He would come up to my house in town and i would go to his retirement home at the sea.

This last year his daily telephone calls varied between what I would call normal conversation and aggressive outbursts. He had also taken in a homeless barmaid who had fallen out with her boyfriend and had no job. I refused to go to his home while this arrangement continued and I refused to go on holiday with him. Going with a female friend instead. On my return he was a mess looked awful blaming me for my dreadful behaviour and announced that I would be sorry.

I just refused to listen any more and left. He eventually went back to doc. and medication changed but was still not with it talking about the barmaid as "the daughter he never had"- a line from a book he had been reading. the daily phonecalls continued but no aggression. It was obvious to me he was dying. He went to med.appointments and I agreed that after his specialist liver consultant meeting he could ask if he could go on holiday for a week and he said yes I would go with him. He made the appointments and told me in a very excited manner that though meds. had changed no change in liver and a week or two would do him good.

I stupidly believed him and went to Portugal for two weeks. After three days he was obviously ill and I phoned for ambulance. In short after 5 days in intensive care and 7 days in gastro ward he died. Consuls etc. were involved and my sister thankfully came over. On making funeral arrangements it came to light on contacting solicitor that the will previously leaving what he had to me had been changed a month previously to two girls -the aforementioned barmaid and another barmaid. As i was not an executor and an ex-wife I had no say.

We did as much as we could and informed solicitors that we would be going home and the executors were the only people (he had no next of kin) who could make arrangements re funeral.

I attended his funeral after his body was brought home. We found out when it was via the solicitors. A humanist ceremony and a eulogy by 'the daughter he never had" and had been an acquaintance for 5 minutes and had invited herself into his home.

I cannot believe I have been so stupid as to have had anything to do with him after the divorce. W e married in 1982. The money is not the thing it is the betrayal.

[pijandura]

When will people realize that in the end alcohol/drugs always bring sadness to the users and those around them.