I miss my mom....

[change4penny]

Hi, my name is Penny, and I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 11 months clean. I've been posting on the Substance Abuse forum here on SR for quite a while and today I just noticed Grief and Loss.
I grew up with both parents being alcoholics and had a very bad childhood.
My dad is now 4 years sober, my mom quit drinking many years ago, before my dad, but had developed a dependency on pain meds, which she needed due to severe pain caused by an accident she and my dad were in many years ago. My dad was drunk and driving when they hit a tree at 60mph.
My mom passed away 16 months ago. I was there when she died. She passed away in her sleep. The EMT believed that the methodone that she was taking, along with oxycodones, contributed to her death.
My mom died knowing her only daughter was a drug addict. As a matter of fact, she had gotten me to agree to go to rehab. She had set everything up and her and my dad were to take me there on a Monday, May 18...She died on May 14 '08. Needless to say, I didn't go. Instead I spiraled further down into myself and my addictions, nearly self destructing and almost dying myself from overdose.
However, I woke up one morning, four months after my mom passed, feeling lower and more broken than I've ever felt, not recognizing the person staring back at me in the mirror. I had lost the ability to pray and felt a lot of anger towards God after my mom passed, but that morning, I cried out to Him and asked that He save me or take me. I checked into a rehab, a few hours away from my home, that afternoon. I surrendered. I was a helpless and hopeless addict. Going to rehab was the best gift I ever gave myself and it saved my life.
I feel so much guilt over my mom. She was my best friend and I hurt her so much. I miss her more than I can explain and just thinking about her takes my breath away sometimes. I feel like it's partly my fault that she died. I had put her through so much worry and stress. Even though it's been 16 months since her death, I still keep asking myself "What if?"
I would give anything for just one more day with her...to hear her voice, to see her smile, to say that I'm sorry for disapointing her. To tell her I love her.
I have so many regrets.

Thanks for letting me share,

Penny

[Believe808]

(((Penny))) I do understand your grief and loss. This past Friday was 40 years that I lost my mom due to the disease of alcoholism. She actually took her own life, I guess the pain was too much for her. I was 15 at the time and it took me a long time to realize that my mom's death is the reason I am sober today.

I would give anything for just one more day with her...to hear her voice, to see her smile, to say that I'm sorry for disapointing her. To tell her I love her.

You can't imagine how many times in my life these words have left my lips. But I do believe that she hears these words coming from your heart, just like mine does.

I'm here if you need to talk anytime.

[change4penny]

Believe....Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so sorry about your mom. Does it ever get easier?
I find myself missing her so much, especially when I'm feeling down. I could always call her and she'd say "It will be o.k. honey" and I'd imediately feel at ease. We only lived 5 minutes from each other and we'd see each other almost everyday, but if not, we'd talk on the phone.
My biggest regret is that I didn't get clean sooner. I'm such a different person now, I just wish she was here to see it.

Penny

[Katyrose]

(((Penny))), your mom is with you and she knows you love her. She also knows you are clean. Don't be sorry anymore...your mom forgave you a long time ago. Guilt is a wasted emotion...doesn't help anyone.

I lost my only son a year ago to addictions. As a mother, I can't tell you of the guilt I felt. But I realized that my son knew how much I love him, and no matter how I failed, I did my best, and I know my son would say...Ma, stop beating yourself up right now!

Talk to your mom...tell her how you feel. She will hear you.

Love and peace to you.

Katy

[Believe808]

Penny, yes it really does get easier, we never forget though. Let go of your regrets Penny, they will only serve to harm you. You should have no regrets. Your mom knows every thought that goes through your head and she knows you are sober. I know my mom is so damn proud of my recovery.

I will share with you what I use to do when I just wanted to be close to her and talk with her in the beginning. I use to go to the cemetary (and I hated cemetaries) I would just go and sit by her grave stone and talk to her as if she were sitting right next to me. I would have conversations for hours, it was the most peaceful time for me because that was the only place I felt her presence. Today I no longer need to go to the cemetary to talk with her and funny thing, today I have come to love the peace and solace I get while in a cemetary. My mom is always here, there are so many things that happen in my life that I just know she had a hand in doing. My daughter for instance will all of a sudden say something that would come out of my mom's mouth, all different things happen. You just need to let her go honey that way you open yourself to her. Kinda like Letting Go and then Letting God do it. By letting your mom go, you are opening your soul to hear her talk to you. Another thing I did was write my mom a letter, a very, very long letter, about all my anger about what her death did to me, about things I said to her, I just let my pen do the writing, and you know what, that had to be the most cleansing thing I had ever done for myself. By writing my feelings down they were no longer bottled up inside of me. I was no longer angry, no longer alone, the pain lessened inside me.

I don't know if anything I have said helps you Penny, I just know it helped me and again I am here if you need me.

[truthhurts]

Penny, I feel your pain and I am sorry for your suffering.

I am not at all religious and don't personally believe in afterlife; however, I do believe that our memories of good times with our loved ones carry us through the hard times and sustain us. A very old friend of mine who had a terrible crack addiction intentionally OD'ed about a month ago, and I am just now coming out of the disbelief stage of my grieving. I feel that he is still with me in many ways, because I have years of memories of him and of the times we shared together. I hope that you have some good memories of your mom that you can lean on as you grieve.

I am sure that your mother knew when she passed how very much you loved her. I think the best way to honor your mother's memory would be to be as kind, patient and forgiving of yourself as you can be, and to continue to live your life in such a way that would make her proud. I will be thinking of you.

[change4penny]

Thank you all for your kind words.
This past May was filled with first...Mother's Day, mom's birthday, May 16, and the one year mark of her passing, May 14.
I went and bought a Mother's Day card and wrote my mom a letter and put it inside, telling her how sorry I was and how much I missed her, I said, "No daughter could have loved her more than I did." No mother could have loved a daughter more than you did".
I told her that I'd changed my life.
I gave my dad the card and he put in on the mantle above the fireplace like we always did with cards, birthday, holidays, etc.
He cried.

Thanks again,

Penny

[palmbayflorida]

I am sorry to hear about your loss, but you should not feel guilty. Your mother is looking down on you with pride that you were able to overcome your addictions. Remember the good times and feel proud of your accomplishments.

[historyteach]

(((Penny)))
She knows...
Believes....
And is grateful.

Keep it up!

Shalom!

[indigo]

I agree with Teach she knows & still loves you.