too late.

[Rushl]

I read through post after post trying to find releif in my situation and can't. My mother was an alcolholic of many many years. A good person who would help anyone... but herself. Although I didn't have a perfect childhood and experienced many of the hardships children of alcoholics do, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, uncertainty, ups & downs, ect. I knew far less than I thought I did. My mother loved me and I always knew this but as a child I didn't understand addiciton the way I do as an adult and we want to know "why can't you just STOP!" It's not until we mature that we understand they can't just stop. I now know that many of the things my mother did was due to her addiction and that if she could take it all back she would.

I come from generations of alcohol abuse and no one in the family seemed to see it as a "bad" thing. It was the way things were for our family. Me, being the blacksheep I always was, questioned it... asking my mother what was so hard about choosing between a drink or no drink, life and death, family and no family. I didn't get it. I also knew that because i came from a family of addiction my chances of becoming one were high and I needed to stay clean. One drink for me at a social event isn't enough, can't go have a drink to wind down after work, it's drink to get drunk for me and I know if I continue with it I will become just that, a drunk. When I was 16 they told my mother she wouldn't see me graduate and although it may have hurt her inside she never showed any fear. She did, she actually lived 9 years past that. She saw me marry, have a daughter, and buy my first home. For that I am grateful.

After 19 years of marraige to my Father they finally seperated stating the only reason they stayed together so long (while being miserable) was for me. That dind't make me feel so good because I've always been adult about my parent's relationship and our family issues. I supported the seperation as I know they were tired of the struggle. She blamed him and he blamed her and at times it was just ugly. I was only 17. Then they go through the stage where one feels like you love the other more... what a mess. My Dad also struggled with addiction when I was a baby and he overcame it only to have her develope one in the meantime. Stress I guess.

As an adult I chose not to talk much to my mother about the past as I thought I had "moved on" and wanted to leave that behind (like it would disappear). I didn't feel like talking about it was productive but would only cause her more pain because of her actions when she was drinking. As a mother I can see why someone wouldn't want to hear "Mom I was really hurt when you left me alone all those times to go drinking with your friends, you hurt me when you showed up to school funtions drunk, ect". That's hurtful and I didn't want to do that to her even though it was done to me. I wanted to live as normal of a life as possible with my husband and daughter and bringing up the past was painful for all of us. I began "loving from a distance", not on purpose but as a way to cope I guess, thinking that would prepare me to live a normal as an adult child of an alcoholic. I was so wrong. I offerred help when she needed and would do anything for her but emotionally I think I was disconnected. I was emotionally unavailable to her for a long time and this made her feel like she wasn't worthy and like I had abandoned her, didn't "need" her, which was far from the truth. I was so diconnected I didn't even realize it until it was to late. I always loved my Mother, a deep love which was obviously unconditional because I never stopped speaking to her even though times we tough. Toward the end my mom would often ask me, "Rush, what's wrong." "Are you mad at me?" My reply was no... and I wasn't made. Just discnnected. When she would bring up the past I would tell her "the best gift you can give me now is being there for my daughter (her grandbaby), I don't want anything else. The past is the past and I want to live for right now."

I got a call a few days after Christmas because my Mom was sick. I figured it was that time of year again. She was ill and needed to detox for a few days (which she did at least once a year because her immune system was so low). My mom didn't like me seeing her that way so she would make me wait to go see her until it was almost time for her to go home. I waited this time and she called me one day saying you need to come down here. She was sick, really sick, she wouldn't make it. I'm like "there's no way, this always happens and she is fine". I took my mother home the following day with Hospice care thinking we had at least a week to sort through so many things that kept us apart... she passed away four hours later.

It's been over 6 months and honestly, it's horrible. It's been a miserable experience that I was so unprepared for. I thought I was prepared but I was so wrong. She had actually prepared herself for death much more than I had, and I'm supposed to be the smart one! When your alcoholic parent is living you sometimes feel like death is the only peace they will ever find in life because nothing else seems to work. You feel that death is the only time you will feel they are safe and out of harms way. It sounds horrible and it's not easy to admit but I know it's true for many of us. I feel everything but peace.

I waited too late. Now I wish I would have taken the time to talk to her about the past and even though she heard me say "nothing is wrong" I now wish I would have taken time to make her feel that way. To make her feel loved and needed in my life because she was. It makes me sad to think that she lived the last years of her life sad.

No words can describe the guilt I feel inside from the loss of my Mother. I feel like I failed her in so many ways and feel like when I should have embraced her the most I didn't. It's very easy to misunderstand addicts when they are alive but I feel like I understand alot more now that she's not here and it's too late. Plain and simple, I'm really lonesome and would love a second chance to make sure she knows how much I love her.

My family tells me, "you have nothing to feel guilty about, she is in a better place, at peace". The weird thing, I don't feel relieved about her being "safe" and free of earlthy depression and hardship like i thought I would, I feel empty and lost without her here. All experiences are different I know, but the loss of my Mother opened my heart and mind to all people with addictions and their loved ones. it opened my heart and mind to her addiciton most of all, where it came from and how she got to the point she did. How could I be so blind not to see? It's hard to love sometimes during hard times but there aren't always second chances and there is no harder lesson to learn than at the expense of a parent.

I've gone from a strong, organized, confident woman to days of feeling lost, empty, confused, and guilty. Things aren't the same. Life isn't about preparing for the the future anymore... it's about waking up and figuring out how to get through the day. Survival. I have a daughter and husband who adore me and keep me going so i know it's not the end of life, I have no choice but to keep going... but it's not easy. Some days are better than others but I haven't found peace with my Mother's death at all. I've gone from a loving person who knew God as Savior to all to a bitter person full of unanswered questions.

I know I will one day have peace and I know God will lead me to that place in life where I will be free of the guilt and I will be free. Free. I know he will. He is too good not to.

I'm trying to live life again and get things back in order. I've been a mess, living day to day in a zone. I'm not a miserable person and I have alot to be happy about, i'm blessed. But... I miss my mother and there hasn't been a day that I haven't wished she was here with me so we can "talk" and I can set the record staight to let her know just how much she really meant to me regardless of the past. it's a struggle.

[TakingCharge999]

Rushl your mom knows all these things. I am of the idea the ones who parted still see us from above and know our feelings. Your mom is watching over your shoulder and she would like you to live your life well... this is just a temporary separation...

She knew you loved her, her addiction and sadness were hers, they had nothing to do with you... do not beat yourself up with regrets or "could haves' you did all you could with what you knew then.

Hugs and thank you for sharing.

[indigo]

Yes live your life well & make her proud, she is free now.