RIP me

[baldjim]

its funny how i can type one fingered to a load of people out there i dont know or probably never will know

yet somehow i feel a bond to you all ,i can spill out my thoughts and i know that some of you will understand

i have had two younger brothers die ,my mother die and my beautiful daughter Natasha die ,for the last few years every thing has become a drunken blur ,like some sort of nightmare i'm in too scared to leave but very unhappy in

today is 24 days 12 hours sober over 200 million heart beats sober if i read it correctly

i am a great drunk ,a very funny very popular great dance on tables drunk ,life and soul of the party drunk

sober i am nothing i dont know how to be normal ,i am like a fish out of water ,the life i had before i hit the demon drink is gone ,how the hell do you guys carry on

all my friends are drunks ,i'm like a ghost that dont know how to cross over ,i feel much better in my body less pain less tiredness but its like i have been dropped off on another planet ... guys take me to your leader i know not what to do , i have not been out for weeks .... what next folks another thirty years of this its enough to make a guy get drunk

the physical addiction of drinking seems to have gone but the loneliness of being the only sober guy on my planet is pretty grim ,is that why so many people go back to drinking ? not just that the numbing effect of the booze has worn off just a tad ..that hitch hiker called grief is well and truly on my back and believe me i think he has brought his wife and kids with him ,oh and his ma in law , sorry rant over i just wondered if any one else feels like this ,any how thanks for taking the time to read ,it probably took you a lot less time to read it than it took me to write it lol

[LucyA]

Originally Posted by baldjim

sober i am nothing

No person is ever 'nothing', sober, drunk, happy, sad, lonely or any other word you want to add, you're full of worth and you mean something to people even if you don't know it right now.

I probably don't understand properly what you're feeling, I'm not alcoholic but my brother was.
There is a life out there, just waiting for you. It's early day's for you though (well done by the way) take it easy and go easy on your self, you have a lot of grief to deal with now you don't feel so numb. Grief is hard and it affects us all differently.
Stick around with us and share whenever you feel the need.

[baldjim]

thank you for you reply

i'm just at a lose end ,i can honestly say i dont miss the drink that much its the social life , i have no normal friends oh well onwards and upwards

the grief i'm coping with its not so easy without the booze though

[Believe808]

Hi Baldjim. When I stopped drinking/drugging I felt all alone too, like I was a nothing. I started going to AA meetings, stuck out MY hand to everyone I met and introduced myself. That is the way it had to be for me, otherwise, I would not have even bothered to know anyone. I went to AA over 20 yrs ago, never even bothered to meet anyone, just went to meeting right before it started and left right after it. I stayed sober for 15 years but then picked up again. I had no real connection with AA even after all those years, didn't work steps (only 1st 5) no sponsor anymore, NEVER used the phone to call anyone, hell I don't think I even remember having phone numbers. This time back, I am not alone anymore, I have loads of friends in the rooms, I take committments whenever possible so I will be accountable to people. I have been working the steps, I have a sponsor that I talk to every day, and I use most of the numbers I have been so graciously given. I actually love my life right now. I am 9 months sober and alot of stuff going on in my life, but being alone is not one of them. I am something today, I matter, I am important and most importantly, I am Sober. You don't have to feel like you do. Believe me, life gets better without the booze.

[baldjim]

Originally Posted by Believe808

Hi Baldjim. When I stopped drinking/drugging I felt all alone too, like I was a nothing. I started going to AA meetings, stuck out MY hand to everyone I met and introduced myself. That is the way it had to be for me, otherwise, I would not have even bothered to know anyone. I went to AA over 20 yrs ago, never even bothered to meet anyone, just went to meeting right before it started and left right after it. I stayed sober for 15 years but then picked up again. I had no real connection with AA even after all those years, didn't work steps (only 1st 5) no sponsor anymore, NEVER used the phone to call anyone, hell I don't think I even remember having phone numbers. This time back, I am not alone anymore, I have loads of friends in the rooms, I take committments whenever possible so I will be accountable to people. I have been working the steps, I have a sponsor that I talk to every day, and I use most of the numbers I have been so graciously given. I actually love my life right now. I am 9 months sober and alot of stuff going on in my life, but being alone is not one of them. I am something today, I matter, I am important and most importantly, I am Sober. You don't have to feel like you do. Believe me, life gets better without the booze.

call me jim please

the thing is i'm going weird i dont want to talk to anyone if people ring me i dont answer my phone ,even though i feel lonley its as if my mind is sulking without my consent

the more i sober up the more i love my dags

[LucyA]

maybe that's a grief and depression thing, not a 'sober' thing.
I've been a lot like that recently, since my brother died I just don't seem to want to interact with people. I have to go to work and that's all I want to do, outside family I really don't want to do anything with anyone.
I've recognised this though and I'm going out next week with some friends, I'm going to make myself go, but I know I don't have to stay if it's unbearable. I think once I'm there I might be ok.

[baldjim]

Originally Posted by LucyA

maybe that's a grief and depression thing, not a 'sober' thing.
I've been a lot like that recently, since my brother died I just don't seem to want to interact with people. I have to go to work and that's all I want to do, outside family I really don't want to do anything with anyone.
I've recognised this though and I'm going out next week with some friends, I'm going to make myself go, but I know I don't have to stay if it's unbearable. I think once I'm there I might be ok.

bingo maybe you are onto something

i just feel like not communicating with anyone at all

[LucyA]

Originally Posted by baldjim

bingo maybe you are onto something

i just feel like not communicating with anyone at all

maybe we're both normal after all

[baldjim]

speak for yourself i'm a total fruitcake lol

[kj3880]

Having experienced grief and loss and having got clean off of opiates (15 months ago), I have to tell you that Lucy is probably right. The isolation is pretty typical of grieving. Your energy level gets really low. I ended up clinically depressed from it and had to go on soem anidepressant meds (which I am not tempted to abuse). NA meetings help me so much with the isolation. They kind of force me to get out of myself, at least enough to see how silly I'm being. Have you given AA a chance?

Love,
KJ

[Astro]

Jim, stick around here on SR, and/or get into a recovery program, I can almost guarantee you that you'll have more friends than you ever dreamed of. Life will be worth living, the painful past will be a faint memory that we only learn from when we look back on it.

I think the three people who responded to this post so far are a fine example of who you'll meet on your journey. There's so much hope, and I've never believed that anyone who shares here is nothing.

We're walking this path of recovery together. Stick around, it can only get better. I had plenty of people tell me years ago that they'd guarantee my happiness or gladly refund my misery. So far I can gratefully say that I've never had to take them up on their offer

[Dee74]

Sorry I missed this Jim.

I'm really sorry to hear of the tragedy in your life - dealing with that would be hard enough - adding no longer drinking into the mix? My hats off to ya.

Early sobriety is the weirdest time - all these emotions, all these feelings - and nowhere to put them. I started using SR a lot when I quit - and stayed on, really.

I lost an old life but I found a better one - I always dreamed of being a certain kind of guy - and now, God willing, I think I am....

It's a good place here - but I think you're finding that out already, mate.

Keep posting!
D

[Lenina]

jim,

Hi! Nice to meet you! I also have had quite a few bereavements in a short space of time. Please give your local hospital social services department and ask about bereavement counselors. They should have a list. I wish I would have gotten this special kind of therapy much sooner than I did.

Grieving takes its own time and people will have different ways of dealing with it. After just six sessions with a bereavement counselor, I felt so much better. I understand the isolating part. I just wasn't in the mood to talk to pretty much anyone.

Please know you're not alone and you can and will feel better again.

Love,

Lenina

[Gypsy Feet]

Jim, I even went as far as to change my phone number about 6 weeks in, to avoid talking to anyone. I am coming up on 6 months now, and I can honestly say it gets so much better. The first few months of sobriety, we are processing so much, including all of these painful emotions we have numbed for so long. Do as much "self help" work as you can right now, whether it be meetings, meditation, seeing a shrink or reading books on recovering from addiction, dealing with death, and finding a more peaceful life. I believe when you are emotionally ready, healthy and sober people will come into your life. I am JUST starting to find a few myself.

[baldjim]

Originally Posted by Dee74

Sorry I missed this Jim.

I'm really sorry to hear of the tragedy in your life - dealing with that would be hard enough - adding no longer drinking into the mix? My hats off to ya.

Early sobriety is the weirdest time - all these emotions, all these feelings - and nowhere to put them. I started using SR a lot when I quit - and stayed on, really.

I lost an old life but I found a better one - I always dreamed of being a certain kind of guy - and now, God willing, I think I am....

It's a good place here - but I think you're finding that out already, mate.

Keep posting!
D

thanks for your reply i have taken on board what you have said

Originally Posted by Lenina

jim,

Hi! Nice to meet you! I also have had quite a few bereavements in a short space of time. Please give your local hospital social services department and ask about bereavement counselors. They should have a list. I wish I would have gotten this special kind of therapy much sooner than I did.

Grieving takes its own time and people will have different ways of dealing with it. After just six sessions with a bereavement counselor, I felt so much better. I understand the isolating part. I just wasn't in the mood to talk to pretty much anyone.

Please know you're not alone and you can and will feel better again.

Love,

Lenina

i came across a bit morbid in my thread title sorry,i'm doing ok life is just not how i expected it to be

Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet

Jim, I even went as far as to change my phone number about 6 weeks in, to avoid talking to anyone. I am coming up on 6 months now, and I can honestly say it gets so much better. The first few months of sobriety, we are processing so much, including all of these painful emotions we have numbed for so long. Do as much "self help" work as you can right now, whether it be meetings, meditation, seeing a shrink or reading books on recovering from addiction, dealing with death, and finding a more peaceful life. I believe when you are emotionally ready, healthy and sober people will come into your life. I am JUST starting to find a few myself.

thanks gypsy ,great name ,i am sort of feeling an anti climax i've stopped drinking ..now what this for ever .i will get there i spoze its just a long hike

[Rebecca4]

In terms of the not wanting to communicate, not wanting to answer the phone, do you think you might have developed a slight social phobia?

I went through a time when I used drink as a crutch and I got so used to talking on the phone or to someone after a few drinks that I could'nt do it without.

I feel a bit better now although I still find talking and interacting wth some people really hard and they irritate me immensley. I just try and avoid some of those people now, which is hard as some of them are related to me!!

Wishing you luck
x

[hydrogirl]

Hi Jim,

I can't really offer any advice, but I thought I would send a hug and some encouragement! Congratulations on your sober time!!!

Keep on keepin' on!

HG

[baldjim]

Originally Posted by Rebecca4

In terms of the not wanting to communicate, not wanting to answer the phone, do you think you might have developed a slight social phobia?

I went through a time when I used drink as a crutch and I got so used to talking on the phone or to someone after a few drinks that I could'nt do it without.

I feel a bit better now although I still find talking and interacting wth some people really hard and they irritate me immensley. I just try and avoid some of those people now, which is hard as some of them are related to me!!

Wishing you luck
x

Originally Posted by hydrogirl

Hi Jim,

I can't really offer any advice, but I thought I would send a hug and some encouragement! Congratulations on your sober time!!!

Keep on keepin' on!

HG

thanks for your replies

i feel ok today ,i feel like i want to go running or mountain biking ,much much better than yesterday

[Waterman]

It's funny how each day is different.

[baldjim]

Originally Posted by Waterman

It's funny how each day is different.

great news if you are having a bad day


not such a good thought if you are having a good day though

[baldjim]

life is ok again ,if you are going through the give up booze blues ,just hang in there slowly but surley each day takes you another baby step on the road to happines ,hard to believe reading my first post i know,but the anger and frustration is slowly going

i still feel low but even that is going



jimbo welcome to the normal world every body else lives in ... well maybe not just yet but i'm in the right solar system

[nocoincidence56]

Hello baldjim! I stay behind these days so a belated welcome! You are in one of the best places you can be for help. There is a world of recovery here in all phases and all are willing to share their ESH. So long as you stay sober each day, regardless of what comes, will get better. Each encounter with long numbed emotions will demonstrate how we can feel the emotions and not have to escape them. We are actually living and not just existing/surviving. We will begin to see the face behind the face.
As far as "normal" is concerned; this says it pretty well.."The only normal people are the one's you don't know very well."..Alfred Adler

We can do it! One day at a time........

[baldjim]

thank you for your reply

recovery its a long road and i have covered more miles in a few weeks sober than when i was going round in circles for many years drunk