"The Firsts" - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

SpeedyJason · 06-21-2009, 03:08 PM

This week is really gonna hit hard I think...it's father's day today and I can't help but feel down because my dad's gone... The last father's day I had with him he was high on heroin and the card I had given him that was once on the table was in the trash. Funny how it all changes around once they die, you find out you really did love them, believe it or not. This is one of "the firsts" and in another 4 days my dad will have been gone for 4 months. Then July 2nd is his birthday.. he would have been 42. Whatever's up there, God or something else, is really piling it on. I just feel empty today...hollow

. I miss him a lot and I know my little sister is suffering too and I don't like it. I spent a lot more time with him than she has (7 more years) and I feel like she missed a lot but then again, I'm not sure she really has. When he was clean for the few months during the 2 years only I lived with him, he didn't really talk much, didn't say anything more than a greeting maybe. He didn't really seem happy either when I lived with him.. ever. I guess she missed alot of the "bad" stuff. Cops, overdoses, the nights when you think that 'this is it, he's not gonna live through this one'. And then he finally didn't live through it...he fell asleep and "forgot" to breathe from the effects of heroin, as the doctor so gently put it...

I know this is a negative post and father's day isn't really meant for this, it's meant for honoring them and cherishing them but I can't really look at it like that today. I'm too depressed to; I miss him too much and have grieved too little.. I've never really "grieved" over anything or anybody and some of the thoughts that run through my head are crazy. It's like my brain is having a massive panic attack but on the outside I'm just fine. I just want to stop thinking about it but I know that'll never happen, especially not this week. He's always there at the back of my mind, everyday but I still can't just accept it, throw away the pain of it..

I hope the rest of you have a pleasant father's day :ghug2

suki44883 · 06-21-2009, 03:15 PM

((((JASON))))!!!!

suki44883 · 06-21-2009, 03:16 PM

GHAAAA!!! I'm sorry, Jason. That sounded positively awful so I erased it.

SpeedyJason · 06-21-2009, 03:49 PM

It didn't sound awful at all

Thanks suki.

suki44883 · 06-21-2009, 03:50 PM

ugh. you saw it.

SpeedyJason · 06-21-2009, 07:55 PM

Suki, seriously, it wasn't awful or anything. I don't know why you think that

.

Today just sucks. :\
We went out to eat and everything for Ken (foster parent) and it was really awkward for me and my sister because we're eating with our so-called "father" and it just didn't feel right... it felt like we were eating with strangers.

Katyrose · 06-22-2009, 08:28 AM

Dear Jason,

I feel your pain. We have a lot in common, only it was my son, Joey, who died of a heroin overdose on Sep 4, 2008, almost 10 months ago. He too would have been 42 on July 2. The year of "firsts" is so hard.

(((Hugs))) to you, Jason. We can only take it one day at a time.

Love and peace,
Joey's mum
Katy

Maggiemac · 06-22-2009, 12:26 PM

Hey my young friend I know just how you feel. My son always here for his dad but not this year. We are all (you , me. Katyrose) still grieving for all the things that were good and bad. This first year of not having them is so hard.
Your friend,
Maggiemac:ghug

**Impurrfect** · 06-22-2009, 01:27 PM

(((Jason)))

You've been on my mind, so much more than usual, this week. Though my mom died, years ago, of heart disease, I remember "the firsts" and the absolutely overwhelming flood of emotions that came along with them. Grief seems like such an innocent word for such a strong emotion that it can literally suck the breath right out of you, and leave you doubled over in pain.

My mom died of heart disease, and it was bad enough. I can only imagine an OD brings along so many more feelings and questions. You, ((Maggie)), ((Katyrose)) and all others who are struggling with this are constantly in my prayers.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

LucyA · 06-22-2009, 02:27 PM

I feel your pain too Jason, fathers day was tough for me too, I still have my dad, but I could see his pain at only having one card this year and missing my brothers, and my nephews pain in taking flowers to the cemetery instead of giving his dad a gift.
I'm one of those substitute parents, to my nephew anyway, he told me that his mum and dad would be proud of me. No way should a 12 year old have those thoughts, but they were the most moving words anyone has ever said to me. I hope one day you find someone you can at least think that of, no one can ever replace parents but some some of us sometimes need to step in for them.
Remember the good times with your Dad, and remember he's at peace now, that's what I tell Joe.

SpeedyJason · 06-22-2009, 04:53 PM

Thanks for all your support :ghug2

TakingCharge999 · 06-25-2009, 01:10 PM

Speedy, mourning is tough. I hope you allow yourself time to heal, cry, journal, talk...
The "firsts" and triggers are too overwhelming sometimes, trust that he is OK now, no longer suffering.

06-21-2009, 03:08 PM	#1 (permalink)
SpeedyJason Silent Jay. Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: --- Posts: 2,365 Blog Entries: 33	"The Firsts" This week is really gonna hit hard I think...it's father's day today and I can't help but feel down because my dad's gone... The last father's day I had with him he was high on heroin and the card I had given him that was once on the table was in the trash. Funny how it all changes around once they die, you find out you really did love them, believe it or not. This is one of "the firsts" and in another 4 days my dad will have been gone for 4 months. Then July 2nd is his birthday.. he would have been 42. Whatever's up there, God or something else, is really piling it on. I just feel empty today...hollow . I miss him a lot and I know my little sister is suffering too and I don't like it. I spent a lot more time with him than she has (7 more years) and I feel like she missed a lot but then again, I'm not sure she really has. When he was clean for the few months during the 2 years only I lived with him, he didn't really talk much, didn't say anything more than a greeting maybe. He didn't really seem happy either when I lived with him.. ever. I guess she missed alot of the "bad" stuff. Cops, overdoses, the nights when you think that 'this is it, he's not gonna live through this one'. And then he finally didn't live through it...he fell asleep and "forgot" to breathe from the effects of heroin, as the doctor so gently put it... I know this is a negative post and father's day isn't really meant for this, it's meant for honoring them and cherishing them but I can't really look at it like that today. I'm too depressed to; I miss him too much and have grieved too little.. I've never really "grieved" over anything or anybody and some of the thoughts that run through my head are crazy. It's like my brain is having a massive panic attack but on the outside I'm just fine. I just want to stop thinking about it but I know that'll never happen, especially not this week. He's always there at the back of my mind, everyday but I still can't just accept it, throw away the pain of it.. I hope the rest of you have a pleasant father's day :ghug2 __________________ I'm locked inside a cell in me, I know that there's a jail in you Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through "Words I Never Said" - Lupe Fiasco

06-21-2009, 03:15 PM	#2 (permalink)
suki44883 Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Somewhere Out There Posts: 9,079	((((JASON))))!!!! __________________ We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words. - Anna Sewell - So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key. - The Eagles

06-21-2009, 03:16 PM	#3 (permalink)
suki44883 Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Somewhere Out There Posts: 9,079	GHAAAA!!! I'm sorry, Jason. That sounded positively awful so I erased it. __________________ We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words. - Anna Sewell - So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key. - The Eagles

06-21-2009, 03:49 PM	#4 (permalink)
SpeedyJason Silent Jay. Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: --- Posts: 2,365 Blog Entries: 33	It didn't sound awful at all Thanks suki. __________________ I'm locked inside a cell in me, I know that there's a jail in you Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through "Words I Never Said" - Lupe Fiasco

06-21-2009, 03:50 PM	#5 (permalink)
suki44883 Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Somewhere Out There Posts: 9,079	ugh. you saw it. __________________ We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words. - Anna Sewell - So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key. - The Eagles

06-21-2009, 07:55 PM	#6 (permalink)
SpeedyJason Silent Jay. Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: --- Posts: 2,365 Blog Entries: 33	Suki, seriously, it wasn't awful or anything. I don't know why you think that . Today just sucks. :\ We went out to eat and everything for Ken (foster parent) and it was really awkward for me and my sister because we're eating with our so-called "father" and it just didn't feel right... it felt like we were eating with strangers. __________________ I'm locked inside a cell in me, I know that there's a jail in you Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through "Words I Never Said" - Lupe Fiasco

06-22-2009, 08:28 AM	#7 (permalink)
Katyrose Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: MA Posts: 110	Dear Jason, I feel your pain. We have a lot in common, only it was my son, Joey, who died of a heroin overdose on Sep 4, 2008, almost 10 months ago. He too would have been 42 on July 2. The year of "firsts" is so hard. (((Hugs))) to you, Jason. We can only take it one day at a time. Love and peace, Joey's mum Katy

06-22-2009, 12:26 PM	#8 (permalink)
Maggiemac Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Westland, Pennsylvania Posts: 241	Hey my young friend I know just how you feel. My son always here for his dad but not this year. We are all (you , me. Katyrose) still grieving for all the things that were good and bad. This first year of not having them is so hard. Your friend, Maggiemac:ghug

06-22-2009, 01:27 PM	#9 (permalink)
Impurrfect Social Network Moderator Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Atlanta Posts: 18,225	(((Jason))) You've been on my mind, so much more than usual, this week. Though my mom died, years ago, of heart disease, I remember "the firsts" and the absolutely overwhelming flood of emotions that came along with them. Grief seems like such an innocent word for such a strong emotion that it can literally suck the breath right out of you, and leave you doubled over in pain. My mom died of heart disease, and it was bad enough. I can only imagine an OD brings along so many more feelings and questions. You, ((Maggie)), ((Katyrose)) and all others who are struggling with this are constantly in my prayers. Hugs and prayers! Amy __________________ "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer "You got what it takes you can win, today is your day to begin. Don't give up here, don't you quit, the moment is now, this is it I know that you can then you will, get to the top of the hill. Part of the fun is the climb, you just gotta make up your mind" - Shania Twain (Tinker, Elvis, Patches and Mots - Mouth Of The South)

06-22-2009, 02:27 PM	#10 (permalink)
LucyA Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 989	I feel your pain too Jason, fathers day was tough for me too, I still have my dad, but I could see his pain at only having one card this year and missing my brothers, and my nephews pain in taking flowers to the cemetery instead of giving his dad a gift. I'm one of those substitute parents, to my nephew anyway, he told me that his mum and dad would be proud of me. No way should a 12 year old have those thoughts, but they were the most moving words anyone has ever said to me. I hope one day you find someone you can at least think that of, no one can ever replace parents but some some of us sometimes need to step in for them. Remember the good times with your Dad, and remember he's at peace now, that's what I tell Joe.

06-22-2009, 04:53 PM	#11 (permalink)
SpeedyJason Silent Jay. Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: --- Posts: 2,365 Blog Entries: 33	Thanks for all your support :ghug2 __________________ I'm locked inside a cell in me, I know that there's a jail in you Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through "Words I Never Said" - Lupe Fiasco

06-25-2009, 01:10 PM	#12 (permalink)
TakingCharge999 A jug fills drop by drop Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 5,879	Speedy, mourning is tough. I hope you allow yourself time to heal, cry, journal, talk... The "firsts" and triggers are too overwhelming sometimes, trust that he is OK now, no longer suffering. __________________ Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds. Shine. -Siddharta

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