Broken

[lostthebattle]

My sister gave me a book on grief yesterday.Ryan has been gone over 5 months.I can't move past the disbelief and anger.
The thing is if Addiction was a person and it's name Oxy I would blow it's head off.
Ryan has put himself in his grave by doing the drug.Before when Ryan would do something stupid like fail a drug test I would let him have it.How can you get angry at someone who has killed theirself from a relapse?
Here I am left to live with his death.

[Believe808]

Hi Lost, I am so sorry for the loss of your son to his horrible addiction. When my children were small, someone once said that they are God's children sent here so I could raise them and do the best I could, and when he needed his special angels, he will call for them. Addiction is awful, I know because I am an alcoholic/drug addict. I hope and pray that you will find some peace in knowing the pain of his addiction is over.

[kwigers]

Hi Lost,
In my darkest moments when I decide I am just tired of being in that deep deep prison of hell, I look toward the one line in the big book that says, Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in Gods world on accident.
I can choose to believe that is was a mistake, it shouldn't of happened. Or I can choose to believe that there has been no mistake.
One of those choices takes me deeper in the pit, and one of those choices brings a light to the opening where I begin to see a way out of the pit.
When you are ready to have the light turn on so you can find your way out, I know I would be happy to come running with a lantern for you!
Much love and light!~cheryl

[lostthebattle]

I believe children are gifts.
I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and Ryan still be alive.Ryan is free from his addiction but I'm not.Every single day that Ryan has been gone I am the one who is suffering because of his addiction.When your dragged down into this kind of pit,how can you see the light of day?

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by lostthebattle

I believe children are gifts.
I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and Ryan still be alive.Ryan is free from his addiction but I'm not.Every single day that Ryan has been gone I am the one who is suffering because of his addiction.When your dragged down into this kind of pit,how can you see the light of day?

I believe children are gifts too. They are gifts from God for us to love, nurture, and raise the best that we can for a period of time. Then it's their turn to go out in the world as adults.

Are there any grief support groups in your area? I know some of the bigger cities have grief support groups specifically for parents who have lost children.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but pain shared is pain lessened. Please keep posting and reaching out to others.

:ghug :ghug :ghug

[Morning Glory]

Acceptance and Hope are the final stages of grief. You are in the beginning stages of grief. I don't see it as a choice. I see it as a process. If your leg is broken you don't choose to get up and walk until your leg is healed. Grief is a process of healing.

SHOCK & DENIAL
PAIN & GUILT
ANGER & BARGAINING
DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS
THE UPWARD TURN
RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

Many of us who are parents and arrived on the forums had a lot of time to process our child's addiction and come to the point of acceptance with their addiction. We came here and learned all we could about addiction and got a lot of support from others.

Ryan was very young and not only are you having to try to process and accept his addiction, but you are also having to process the grief from his death from addiction at the same time. It has only been 5 months since his death and in my opinion you are entering the hardest time of grief. The shock and disbelief start to wear off and you are hit fully with heartbreaking loss.

I am very sorry that you have to go through this. You will see light again in time, but not just yet. It will take time.

Lots of hugs

[FreeBird09]

Lost, I am sorry about the loss of your son. I feel your pain. When my daughter and grandson were killed in a car accident a year ago Feb, I was in shock and disbelief for the first year. I pretended they were on vacation. Even though I visited the grave OFTEN, I stayed in denial. When the first year hit, I fell apart in more ways then one. I go between acceptance and disbelief. SR helps me a lot. I tend to not focus on their death, and focus on God needing them. My other children are still in stage one. My middle son (20) hit the floor the other night in complete and utter rage, anger, and barganing. He was in such crying fits I thought I was going to have to call the ambulance. He was begging and pleading with God, screaming at God why did he take his big sister, his nephew they were his life, she was his lifeline and he went to her for everything, even more then he came to me for things. This, of course brought me to my knees crying hopelessly. It is so hard, and I am sorry you are going through this.

I hope you will keep posting. Again,.. I am sorry and I feel your pain and loss.

[Maggiemac]

Lost I know what you are feeling my son is dead 6months today. I have tears in my eyes as I am typing. Grief has me heart and soul so I don't have any words to help you. So I will do the nexted best thing pray.
Your friend,
Maggiemac

[kwigers]

Originally Posted by lostthebattle

I believe children are gifts.
I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and Ryan still be alive.Ryan is free from his addiction but I'm not.Every single day that Ryan has been gone I am the one who is suffering because of his addiction.When your dragged down into this kind of pit,how can you see the light of day?

We suffer when we resist what is.
Where are you believing that his life was wrong?
That his choices were wrong?
That his passing was wrong?
What if you just decided for a day to drop all judgment, to get out of Gods business, and just simply play around with acceptance?
What if you chose to believe that there were no mistakes with his life, or his death?
Until you can trust again, I will hold the trust for you!
I will trust that your son was here to walk HIS divine journey, and it had to be whatever it was for his soul to experience the things HE needed.
Not the walk that someone else's soul needed. I will trust that your son walked his path in spite of pleas for him not to, he carried forth and lived his life exactly as he needed to. I will trust for you that no matter what anyone said or did, his inner voice was louder and clearer and he was moved to carry on with his journey the exact way it was suppose to have been lived.
Trusting that You as well needed every single part of that experience as well for your soul to experience these human emotions.
I will trust that neither you or he was wrong in this situation, and both of your souls danced the dance together and it was perfect! Even in those times when you think it should of been something other than what it was, I trust it was exactly as it was suppose to be, nothing more and nothing less- it was absolute perfection!
What would change for you if you could trust even for a moment, that none of this was an accident?
Much love and light!~Cheryl

[lostthebattle]

Originally Posted by kwigers

We suffer when we resist what is.
Where are you believing that his life was wrong?
That his choices were wrong?
That his passing was wrong?
What if you just decided for a day to drop all judgment, to get out of Gods business, and just simply play around with acceptance?
What if you chose to believe that there were no mistakes with his life, or his death?
Until you can trust again, I will hold the trust for you!
I will trust that your son was here to walk HIS divine journey, and it had to be whatever it was for his soul to experience the things HE needed.
Not the walk that someone else's soul needed. I will trust that your son walked his path in spite of pleas for him not to, he carried forth and lived his life exactly as he needed to. I will trust for you that no matter what anyone said or did, his inner voice was louder and clearer and he was moved to carry on with his journey the exact way it was suppose to have been lived.
Trusting that You as well needed every single part of that experience as well for your soul to experience these human emotions.
I will trust that neither you or he was wrong in this situation, and both of your souls danced the dance together and it was perfect! Even in those times when you think it should of been something other than what it was, I trust it was exactly as it was suppose to be, nothing more and nothing less- it was absolute perfection!
What would change for you if you could trust even for a moment, that none of this was an accident?
Much love and light!~Cheryl

You know I haven't logged into this forum since I last posted.This very post that you have replied to.I received an Email that you had posted and to take your post with a grain of salt.
I can honestly say;You are a very ignorant person when it comes to my father(God)and from this post you seem to be way out there on some journey ,that only you know where you are.Some advice to you ole girl when death touches one of your own,go back and read this post(your advice)something about soul dancing and perfection?Just out of curiosity are you on planet earth?I've heard of burn outs,girl your a perfect example of the definition of stupid.Soul dancing!If your not in recovery well it may be to late for your brain cells!Your an idiot.LOA

[Morning Glory]

We all handle grief in our own way. Perhaps this is the way Cheryl handles her grief and it has worked well for her. Grief is an individual journey and we all go through it in our own way and in our own time. I could never tell anyone to grieve the way I grieved. I can only share my own experience with grief.

It took me 7 years to reach anger with my husband who took his own life. How can you be angry at someone who was so depressed that they took their own life? My son's cat was hit and killed by a car. I was out in my backyard digging a hole at midnight in the dark to bury the cat and I hit raging anger. I was yelling as I dug the hole. Why am I burying this cat instead of you? Why am I still here raising my children alone when you chose to leave us? I am just as depressed and suicidal and you were, but I can't leave my children. My anger came last in the stages of grief and then I was able to move on. I can only imagine what my neighbors thought listening to me yelling in the dark in the backyard.

When my father died I knew it was coming and had a couple of years to process it before he died. My grief was very short after he died. A few hard days of deep crying and I didn't cry again.

We need to be gentle with each other during these painful times and not put any expectations on someone's grief process. If grief lasts too long we can get some help moving on. I know that I didn't resolve some of the guilt from my husband's suicide until I shared on the forums here and learned how to give myself permission to let the guilt go. That was 30 years after he died.

Lots of love and hugs to all who walk through such terrible pain.

[greeteachday]

For quite awhile after my just turned 20 year old daughter died from an overdose, I found it very hard to believe that I could someday again discover laughter and I would be able to look back with happiness on the time I was blessed to have with her in my life. I found much comfort here and listened to others who walked this journey before me. They told me grief was a process and no two people would go through the process in the same way or in a certain amount of time. I found myself drawing more comfort from my Naranon group than I did from specific grief counseling or support groups, so I stuck with that, because it helped me. That may not work for someone else, but I learned to be gentle with myself and go with what gave me some comfort.

Little by little I started finding more light. It's been more than 2 1/2 years and I believe I have come to acceptance. There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss my beautiful child, but I do not feel the anger, the suffering, the despair. I do feel incredible gratitude that I had this miracle in my life, and I do feel that although I do not know why, there is a reason that in this life I am no longer with my child. I've been blessed with a feeling of acceptance that I will never know why, but that is okay. I believe my God gave me that gift when I asked him for help.

That has been my journey so far. I am sorry if you feel hurt by the words that were shared with you, but I believe those words were not meant to hurt, rather to offer a different way to look at this. Having gone through the grief process and gotten to a point where my grief is not all encompassing and where I can find some peace and comfort too, I think I understand some of what has been said. I know that I need to walk my own path, and when I was ready, I could let go of some of the despair and suffering and let some light in.

I was told that "time takes time." Working through the pain of losing a child helped me to understand completely what this meant.

My heart goes out to you. I am praying that you find some comfort.

[lostthebattle]

I understand grief is a process.I've lost my Dad,Mom and my sister and now my son.My Dad,and sister and son all died from their addictions.So I guess with Ryan's death I've reached a point that I have earned the right to be angry at this disease called addiction.You do know that God created each person with a free will.God did not create little robots.Having said that I also believe that people can cut their life short by the choices they make.So if someone kills theirself or dies from an over dose,this was not God's will for that person to die.There is no perfection in an untimely death.I may have spoke out of term to Kwigers and if she is grieving then by all means if this belief is how she copes thats fine for her.I would however recommend this ideology of hers on death not be shared with me.I assure you there was no soul dancing going on when Ryan sat in jail on his graduation night.Spent 6 months in rehab and calling him only to have him beg me to get him out.No perfection in the fact he came home and died anyways from his stupid addiction.Trust?What's that?

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by lostthebattle

You do know that God created each person with a free will.God did not create little robots.Having said that I also believe that people can cut their life short by the choices they make.So if someone kills theirself or dies from an over dose,this was not God's will for that person to die.

This part of your post really touched me, Lost. I agree that people can and do cut their lives short by choices they make.

My EXAH was buried three years ago, complications due to AIDS. We had had no contact for many years when he died, and had divorced back in 1989.

It still had a profound effect on me because I saw the result of his choices. He had gone through rehab shortly before me, and he made the choice to go right back to actively using. That's when he contracted HIV, while sharing needles with someone else.

As always, I continue to keep you in my prayers. :ghug :ghug